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two military careers

MareBarrettMareBarrett member
First Comment
in Military Brides
background:
Well, me and my fiancé are both military and have no chance of being stationed at the same base due to our careers.  We both accepted this when he proposed and knew it would be a hard relationship but knew it to be worth it. I plan on going career and he owes at least five years and has thoughts of career as well. His career has an especially high deployment rate, too.

Frustration:
I know it shouldn't bother me, but I'm getting it from more than one person so I figured I would ask for input. People keep doubting as to what kind of marriage we could have never living together. I've gotten suggestions that we should wait a few more years, to emphases that he couldn't be the one for me.  I've even been used as an example for "worst case" of military separation to make a new military spouse feel better about separation anxiety.

I my friends are just trying to watch out for me; I think they are worried about what a strained commitment will do to me.

I do love him, though its hard to counter all their arguments with just my emotion.
Our careers/dreams are part of who we are and why we love each other- thats why it is worth it to us.
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Re: two military careers

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    JMU_Bride09JMU_Bride09
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_two-military-careers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:0e78b001-682d-401c-8ff4-31049c2fcf96Post:71628489-edf3-4715-80f0-46c20d52f961">two military careers</a>:
    [QUOTE] I do love him, though its hard to counter all their arguments with just my emotion. Our careers/dreams are part of who we are and why we love each other- thats why it is worth it to us.
    Posted by MareBarrett[/QUOTE]

    To start off, Im a sappy romantic.  So I would say that love conquers all.  If you know in your heart that he is the one for you, then it really doesn't matter what logic says.  You are going into this knowing that it won't be easy.  It sounds like you are strong and prepared.  If you want to be with him, then do it.  Don't let anyone talk you out of it. 
    "This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without." ? Jodi Picoult Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
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    Kathleen Rachel CKathleen Rachel C member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's not going to be an easy marriage (but what marriage is?)...as long as you know what you are getting into.  I would just say make sure you have really sat down with your fiance and talked about every concern each of you have.  If your relationship has always been long-distance then you at least know what to expect.  Chances are your friends have never really been through this before.  You will have bumps in your relationship and the last thing you need are friends saying "I told you so"..each time you have an argument with your husband, so make sure they know you really value their friendship and need their total support in the decision you have made!  Good luck! 
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    weddingbells2010weddingbells2010
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have a good friend in the military, with a military wife.  Once they were married, one was transferred to the other's base and they got military housing.  Deployment is a totally different issue you can't really get around, one of you might go without the other, but when you are stateside there should be ways to arrange being together.
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    starbuckchicstarbuckchic member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow.  I'm surprised that people actually have the gumption to say those things about you and your fiancé.  It's discouraging, rude, and counter productive to helping you!!!

    If you two are committed to each other that is all that matters.  If you're concerned about how to handle the rude remarks, and the stress of being away from your beloved, please look into support groups & counseling.  I'm sure the military has support groups for people in your situation, and the private sector should have experience as well.

    Btw, I would tell your friends that while you appreciate the concern they are actually stressing you out!  You are committed to your relationship and would appreciate their support, isn't that what friends are for?  Maybe have your parents/siblings/cousins chime in at that point too with the same message.

    Best of luck, and thank you both for your service!!!
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    hh581842hh581842 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think that if you can honestly do this, then hey, more power to you, but to be quite honest, I don't understand how you would be able to maintain a relationship if you were never together.  And this is coming from someone who, for the last two years, has been in a long distance relationship where I almost never get to see my bf.  We've only spent 4 months of two years together.  The first time he had to leave it was so emotional, and now, i'm just numb. I don't feel the same connection that I feel when we are together. Neither of us are happy about it.  We're making it work, but it's not enjoyable. It goes without saying that a long term relationship for us cannot work forever, and is not something that we want.

    Thus, based on my personal experiences and my own relationship, I don't imagine this being a healthy relationship where you are both happy, and I imagine it being very very hard for you to maintain intimacy when you are constantly apart.  I could not imagine this time apart that I am currently experiencing being forever.  And I'm not the super clingy kind of girl either.  I'm just fine on my own, and I'm very busy so it's not like I just sit at home all day and mope, but there would definitely come a point in all that time apart where I just wouldn't know my bf anymore, because the distance would have made us grow in different directions. Now, granted, I don't know a lot about your relationship.  Do you already spend most of your time apart?  How do you see your relationship functioning in a permanent, long distance setting? I'm not you, and I realize that, so this may legitimately work for you. I simply think that this would not work for the vast majority of people, and I am therefore worried for you. 

    I also don't think this means you shouldn't stay together or get married, but I do think that you may have to take a serious look at your relationship and both of your careers and consider other options, especially if getting stationed somewhere as a couple is not possible with your careers.  What does that mean btw--are you in different branches?

    I wish you all the best!
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    kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I just want to say that I think it's great that one thing you love about each other is your devotion to your career. It's always expected that women will follow men around in military marriages (not denigrating that necessarily), but that a woman's military career should disappear if it interferes with her husband's. With all the support a spouse gives to be a military spouse, it's great that you both feel that way, instead of just one of you. As someone who wants to be a Marine, I hear all the time that my relationships will fail. F that, and thanks for your service, and not giving up who you are.
    I hate Dave Ramsey
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    MrsOjoButtonsMrsOjoButtons
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My husband and I are both AD AF.  It's extremely difficult.  I won't lie to you.  We do have the same home station, but we're on opposing AEFs.  He was gone for all of 2008, I was gone for all of 2009.  I've been home for six weeks and this is the longest we've been together in one stretch since....summer of 2007 I think. 

    Having kids for us literally means one of us will sacrifice our career and I'm not ready for that yet.  We're both E-5s and a lot is expected out of both of us.  We work so much I'm considering going Guard when we have kids. 

    I'm over on the nest MN if you want to pop in and PM me.
    Twin boys due 7/25/12
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    MareBarrettMareBarrett member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank ya'll for all your support, advise and understanding. I needed the outside less skewed perspective and I got it. I know I'll make it work, but I also need to talk to my friends more and explain better my position without getting frustrated.  I have more and more respect for families that go long times without each other, I hope to be as strong as all of ya'll.

    THANKS! I appreciate.
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    AriaGooseAriaGoose member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OP, good luck with your future marriage!  My FI and I are both AD AF (and I'm a Cincy girl myself) and we've spent a lot of time apart due to deployments.  We share a career field (and currently, an office!) so I know as we promote we will reach a point where we will not be able to be at the same base. 

    I know for some folks I knew they were able to find two bases that were near to each other (at least within a 100 miles) and had their specialties so that they could live in between and be together... don't know if that would work for you, but it might be worth a shot... even if it is only one tour every so often.  The DC area is jam packed with locations and jobs - perhaps it would be a good assignment for both of you?

    In any case, good luck and God bless!
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