HELP!!!! MOH issue

Re: HELP!!!! MOH issue

• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2012

  I understand your frustration and being upset.  But think about how your friend feels.  She now has to choose between two very close people and in the end will hurt one of them regardless of what she says. 
  
  As far as who picked their wedding date first, or who got engaged first, or who asked her to be in the BP first, or who has known her the longest has no bearing on anything.  She is an adult and will make the decision that is best for her.  Just because she has known the other girl for a shorter amount of time doesn't mean that they don't have a very close friendship like you and your MOH does.
  
  You need to let her decide on her own what she will do.  Do not pressure her into anything and do not just tell her to go to the other girls wedding...that will severly hurt her feelings and make her feel like you could care less about her and whether or not she came to your wedding.
  
  Oh, and just FYI, all she is required to do as an MOH is to buy a dress and show up the day of your wedding looking spiffy, sober, and smile for pictures.  She does not have to attend pre-wedding parties (meet and greets are dumb, IMO) and she certainly does not have to help plan YOUR wedding.  If you need help, ask your FI.

  
  

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• appkeem

  

  January 2012

  The only reason we had a bridal party meet in greet was because My FI and I have both 1 man and 2 girls on our sides and we wanted to talk about how we were going to plan stuff like Bridal Showers and Bacherolett Parties and the rest of attire. 

  
  

  She also made a commintment to me first and she said she wanted to help with everything. I told her if it was too much for her and she didn't feel like she could do it then that was okay and I would understand, but she that she wanted to be my MOH and to help start planning right away. 

  
  

  If she doesn't come to my wedding she will also be losing a lot of respect from my family and friends. She has been 2 hours late to birthday parties, forgot about my graduation party, and she is never on time. I have been upset about that, but I forgive her everytime. My family and friends already think that she is flakey and the fact she forgot what day I was getting married and said yes to another girl without checking her calendar doesn't help. She even told me to that I should change my wedding date. 

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  January 2012

  You've already asked her, now you should let her make the decision. It sucks that she said yes to you and is now reconsidering, but the ball is in her court.
  
  As far as her helping with anything or everything goes, she isn't obligated to help you plan your wedding. Besides that, you already know she is a flake, so you will be setting yourself up for disappointment.
  
  
  

                     

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-issue-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6580d0af-886d-43ff-b1e2-8f12c7bf4351Post:8db387b2-a420-4128-ab76-c9c198e3ff0e">Re: HELP!!!! MOH issue</a>:
  [QUOTE]The only reason we had a bridal party meet in greet was because My FI and I have both 1 man and 2 girls on our sides and we wanted to talk about how we were going to <strong>plan stuff like Bridal Showers and Bacherolett Parties</strong> and the rest of attire.  She also made a commintment to me first and she said she wanted to help with everything. I told her if it was too much for her and she didn't feel like she could do it then that was okay and I would understand, but she that she wanted to be my MOH and to help start planning right away.  If she doesn't come to my wedding she will also be losing a lot of respect from my family and friends. She has been 2 hours late to birthday parties, forgot about my graduation party, and she is never on time. I have been upset about that, but I forgive her everytime. My family and friends already think that she is <strong>flakey</strong> and the fact she forgot what day I was getting married and said yes to another girl without checking her calendar doesn't help. She even told me to that I should change my wedding date. 
  Posted by appkeem[/QUOTE]
  
  Ok, you and your FI should have no say in the planning of either your shower or bach/bachelorette parties except for the guest lists.  It is tacky to help plan a party that is for you.
  
  Has she always been flakey?  If so, why do you think she was going to change once you got engaged?  People don't automatically become different because you are getting married.  Yes it was rude of her to ask you to change your wedding date but she most likely asked the other girl as well.
  
  Just because she said she wants to help doesn't mean that she can't change her mind.  A lot of people want to help in the beginning because it is exciting and new, but after a few months people get tired of all the wedding crap, hell when I was a bride to be I got tired of all the wedding crap, and they start to not help as much or at all.  That is ok because that is their perogrative, again it isn't anyones wedding except for you and your FI.
  
  I do have a question...if she decides to be in your wedding will all be forgiven?  It sounds like you have some issues with her on a friend level, but it seems like you won't care about them if she picks your wedding over the other girls.

  
  

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• appkeem

  

  January 2012

  Our bridal party doesn't know each other. They all live in different states right now because of school so we made our house a meeting place for everyone. They all exchanged numbers and went into another room to talk about the bridal shower and the other parties. They also tried on their dresses for us. We didn't actually plan anything ourself. 

  
  

  She isn't tried of wedding crap or at least not from me because they only thing we have talked about the wedding is the dress and the date. I know she has been busy and I told not to worry about anything.

  
  

  I will forgive no matter what she does.

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• bvanosten member

  

  January 2012

  I'm sure she doesn't mean any harm by any of it but it doesn't help you from having your feelings hurt.  If she already bought the dress for your wedding, odds are that she'd pick yours over her other friend's but who knows.  I know it can be hurtful and hard not to just give up but hopefully things will work out in the end.  If she doesn't give you an answer in a week, I'd give her a call and let her know that you'd love her to be there with you when you get married but understand if she has to go to the other wedding.  Maybe she is already leaning towards that wedding but doesn't know how to tell you.  It will hurt but at least you can begin to make alternate arrangements.  Good luck with everything!

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• Simply Fated member

  

  January 2012

  If she already told you she was going to your wedding, that's pretty shiiity of her to call you like that. All of the other information you gave us is superfluous. It doesn't matter if she meets the other bridal party members or gets involved in your bridal shower. The fact is, she left you wondering which friend's wedding she'll be attending as though it's a contest or something. I'd just let it go. Don't bother confronting her, let her decide what she wants to do. Be the bigger person in all this, is what I'm saying.

  
  

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• redheadtmk member

  

  January 2012

  I wish I could say I was mature enough to give her time to decide. However if the person I am nearest and dearest to said they would be my MOH and then called and said they have to think about it because they also said they would be a bridesmaid in someone else's wedding after promising me, I would tell her to be in the other wedding.
  
  I guess it would depend on how close you really are. I am assuming she is your best friend? I can not imagine my best friend even contemplating not being my MOH if I had asked her. It would make me re-evaluate our entire friendship. Not necessarily end it but really stop and look at my expectations/needs/energy put into it versus hers.
  

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• appkeem

  

  January 2012

  I have known her since middle school and we had been inseparable all through out high school. We made sure we were in all the same classes together in high school. We did ever play and musical together. We were in all of the show choirs, concert choirs, and other music stuff together. During show choir season and the summer I would practically live at her house. We went on vacation to New York City, Chicago, Disney World, and so together. We both majored in musical theatre together until she had to get her tonsils removed.We went to different collages so we would write to each other. She is my best friend, 

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• rungirl12 member

  

  January 2012

  I just wanted to chime in that she probably feels torn because you have been her best friend "forever" and have so many memories together.  However, with the distance between the two of you, each of you has likely been forced to develop new friendships.  Now, on a day-to-day level, she has this other friend who she is close to, sees all the time, and honestly, may have more of a "future" with just due to proximity alone.  It's tough to say it or think about it, but even the best of friendships tend to fade if you put space (3 hours) between them.  The fact is she may be a life-long friend and you can communicate what is happening in your life, but if she's not there for it, it's just not the same.  Unfortunately relationships change over time.  It's not always a bad thing, but just a part of life.  I would tell you to let her decide and don't hold it over her head if you want to maintain the friendship (whether it's because she chooses the other wedding or even just that she entertained the thought).

  

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• appkeem

  

  January 2012

  UPDATE: She called me the other day and told me that she is going with the other girls wedding. And that we have nothing in common anymore even though I spent a week at her house this summer and it was like nothing ever changed. I have tried to keep contact with her for the past several months, but she doesn't give the same effort. I told her that I have been holding on to our friendship for so long when she hasn't and I will finally let it go and stop pretending there is even a friendship still there. It just hurts when she is my best friend and I'm not hers. 

  
  

  I am actually replacing her with two other girls. Since my engagement I have become really close to two other girls and I really wanted to be there. They both actually excepted and no they didn't feel like the "replacement girl". And these two girls are friends really good friends with my FI too and he loved the idea. So things are actually working out better this way. 

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