Post-Wedding Wisdom

Nickie431 · May 2012

Since a lot of married ladies still frequent the board, I thought we might get together to offer the lovely brides-to-be our post-wedding wisdom...

What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding?

Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding?

What do you love most about married life?

What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different?

Anything else you'd like to add...

(I'll put my responses in the next post to kick this off.)

Nickie431 · May 2012

Since a lot of married ladies still frequent the board, I thought we might get together to offer the lovely brides-to-be our post-wedding wisdom...

What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding?

I loved the music during our ceremony and only wish I could have heard more of the prelude selections. Several friends with whom I'd sung in our Newman Center choir were the vocalists, two friends served as cantor and pianist, and we hired a violinist and flutist, and they all sounded beautiful! We chose a range of classical instrumental pieces, contemporary Catholic hymns, and also traditional hymns that were familiar to DH's Protestant family. Some of these songs I've desired to be part of my wedding since I was a child. Music elicits memories for me, and I like that I'll always be able to go back and listen to those pieces and reflect on our wedding day. Also, I'm a word nerd, so praying the Prayer of the Couple DH I wrote together was special.

Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding?

By the time the wedding came, I was no longer in love with my gown. The consultant who sold it to me in my hometown pinned the straps high on my shoulder, but when I took the gown for alterations where I now live and asked for the straps to be taken in, I learned that the gown was designed to be off-the-shoulder, which created a wider V-neck and was more revealing than I wanted (especially considering I usually dress fairly conservatively and that my bustline had grown due to hormonal changes!) I wish I'd gone ahead and pushed to have a gown custom-made when I couldn't find one that suited my sense of modesty. Also, we had some day-of timeline issues involving our vendors that prevented us from visiting personally with many of our guests, which had been important to me.

What do you love most about married life?

Trusting that I'm living out God's vocation for my life and inviting Him to be intimiately involved in our relationship

What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different?

DH and I scored really well on the communication and problem solving sections of the FOCCUS and were a bit smug about how well we communicated. Well, we're now getting couples counseling to work on that issue, because we have so many miscommunications and misunderstandings! <Sigh.> God has reinforced for me that life happens, unexpected problems arise (for us, it's been a lot of medical challenges and related bills), and that I can choose either to make the best of a rotten situation or not. I'm sure there's plenty of relevant Scripture I should cite here, but ultimately it comes down to me being the best Christian I can and having faith that the Lord will stretch me.

Anything else you'd like to add...

I'm praying for all of you

professorscience · May 2012

Fun!
What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding?
I really enjoyed preparing for marriage as a vocation. H and I have been together for a long time, so it would have been easy to get jaded and say, "Uh, I don't need this stuff. We know everything there is to know about each other," but the more we learned, the more excited I felt about my role as his wife, and mother to our (hopefully future) children.
Our wedding -- I loved being surrounded by all those people we loved. And how we were able to make the ceremony completely "us" even within the constraints of a mass (which we didn't find inconvenient, but so many people complain about this).

Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding?
I really don't know... there was a problem with the music director forgetting about an aspect of the ceremony we'd discussed, but in the end it was worked out and certainly didn't affect how married I am now.

What do you love most about married life?
I love FINALLY being married to H. I don't think there's anything wrong with how long we waited (certainly there are couples who date longer than we did), but it's just something that we've always known would happen, so it's great to finally be here -- looking forward to what's next. If I'm being really honest, the sex is pretty nice.

What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different?

I will abstain from this question since not living with my H (ONE MORE MONTH TODAY!) makes things a little unusual.

Anything else you'd like to add...

bridetobe71412 · May 2012

Nickie, thank you for sharing this. I mostly lurk, but your first part intrigued me and I wanted to post.

What are some of the choices you made for music, if you wouldn't mind sharing? I'm having some issues with mostly prelude music and would love some suggestions.

caitriona87 · May 2012

What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding?

I loved the Mass—everything about it. The readings, music (Hassler’s Mass for 8 Voices & other polyphony, for the most part,) my amazing childhood priest who is one of the best homilists I’ve ever heard and flew halfway cross country to be there, etc. etc. While I was getting major anxiety during it when we realized how long it was taking (just over 2 hours all told…whoops) everybody else seemed to love it too, even the non-Catholics. I also really loved having so many of our family & friends together at once because you don’t get that opportunity very often.

Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding?

Well, we didn’t do a retreat or any of that…it was just sessions with an older couple once a month for six months and it was ENTIRELY on what the Church teaches about marriage. While I think it’s great they focus on that, we kind of knew it already and were hoping for some of the other stuff too, communication etc. They also told us originally that we did not have to take FOCCUS and then called us about a week before the wedding saying we couldn’t be married there unless we took it. That stunk, since it was 45 mins away, I was trying to graduate, etc. I think if I could do the wedding over I would spend less money and pocket the difference or take a trip with it. I loved the things we chose, but we could have done it cheaper. I got sucked into the mystique a little.

What do you love most about married life?

Knowing that the mundane business of life actually has a glorious eternal purpose and we’re building a little corner of the Kingdom. Also, having that person you can always depend on to be there for you, to care about the minutiae of your day, to share the burden of unfun tasks…all of those things are made so much more bearable when you’re doing it together.

What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different?

Our situation is a little different…by far the hardest part of our marriage so far has been the death of our first child, specifically the fact that we reacted in very different ways and at times had (& still do) a difficult time understanding/living with the other one’s coping mechanisms…I think we just both had an unspoken expectation that we’d go the same way, and we didn’t. A more universal issue that we have is the whole who-does-what around the house thing…after three years we do not have a system down that makes us both feel like it’s distributed fairly. Probably in part because which of us works/studies more and longer hours has shifted 5 or 6 times already and is probably set to do so again soon.

Nickie431 · May 2012

Hi, bridetobe! I'm happy to share! It was important to me that all our music selections celebrate love (love as a virtue or God's love for us), unity, or the greatness of God, so I really examined the lyrics. We were married outside the Mass, so we didn't have pieces for preparation of the Gifts or a Communion processional, but I think some of the prelude pieces would work nicely if you didn't want to use a hymn written specifically for the Eucharist. I'm including links in to the hymnal sites where the lyrics and MP3 clips are available in case you aren't familiar with some of these.

Prelude

"The Servant Song" Gilliard (http://www.giamusic.com/search_details.cfm?title_id=94)

"We Are Many Parts" Haugen (http://www.giamusic.com/search_details.cfm?title_id=2641)

"Holy Is Your Name" Haas (Written from the Magnificat, this was my ode to our Blessed Mother, since H feared including "Ave, Maria" would turn off his anti-Catholic grandparents

http://www.giamusic.com/search_details.cfm?title_id=96)

"How Beautiful" Paris (http://www.ocp.org/compositions/30947)

Seating of Families

"Love Divine, All Loves Excelling" Wesley

Procession

"Trumpet Voluntary" Clarke

Bridal Procession

"Canon in D" Pachelbel

Responsorial Psalm

"Psalm 33: The Lord Fills The Earth With His Love" Inwood (http://www.ocp.org/compositions/10473)

Gospel Acclamation

"Alleluia" Haas

Recessional

"Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" Bach

Postlude

"Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee" Van Dyke/Beethoven

"Canticle of the Sun" Haugen (http://www.giamusic.com/search_details.cfm?title_id=1456)

bridetobe71412 · May 2012

Nickie, Thank you so much! Your suggestions are really appreciated. I'm going to spend my evening listening to these links (although I think I know most if not all of these!).

Thanks again!

newlyseliski · May 2012

What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding?

For marriage prep, we enjoyed talking with our deacon and our mentor couple the most! They were both tremendously helpful guides and our parish is blessed to have them.

For the wedding planning, I think I enjoyed wandering around the floral wholesale warehouse with my friend who helped put together all our centerpieces. It smelled so nice and was a surprisingly relaxing thing to do so close to the wedding... all the other preparations that week completely stressed me out!

Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding?

For the marriage prep, I didn't have many complaints... especially since it cut down our marriage license fee so significantly :-)

For the wedding planning itself... I think in retrospect, I should have been a lot more budget conscious and less worried about "pretty" in selecting my reception venue. We didn't go into debt for the wedding... but I did deplete a good portion of my savings that could have been a nice start to a house down payment instead.

What do you love most about married life?

Seeing each other every day as opposed to maybe once a week :-) Although not terribly easy, I do love how my husband helps me see my spiritual blindspots and things that I need to improve on that were easy to ignore when I lived by myself and even with roommates.

What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different?

Dealing with the financia/quality timel implications of my husband still being in school and having to delay house-buying and other exciting things. Joining finances has been a tricky process, too... especially since my husband has an aversion to using credit cards and budgetting in an organized fashion!

Ciardasully · May 2012

As on the knotties not married yet, thank you for having this topic. This has been very interesting to read.

Riss91 · May 2012

What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding? I loved planning the wedding. I loved all the DIY details, making everything very personal. Specific to the ceremony, I loved our music and was so happy to have had the Traditional Latin Mass, which I was concerned about, as most of our guests weren't familiar with it.

Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding?

I wish I had gotten a different dress and I wish we would have taken less photos outside as the gloomy weather didn't help my Casper-like fair skin! I also wish we had recorded the ceremony musicians separately so I could listen to our ceremony.

What do you love most about married life? Married life has been amazing for us. I love being around him, I love the support we provide each other and the ways we challenge each other. I couldn't be happier in my marriage.

What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different? The hardest aspect has been my husband's career being so volatile. It has pushed things back a made planning very difficult. But we're hoping that will become more steady real soon.

Anything else you'd like to add...
Don't sweat the small stuff - both in wedding planning and in marriage. Know whicj battles are worth it and which are better to let fizzle out. Looking back at the wedding, I'm shocked at how little I remember about all those things I was obsessed about. So, if something is stressing you out and it isn't essential - just drop it! Not worth it!

bibliophile2010 · May 2012

What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding?

The best part of marriage prep was our retreat days (ours was broken into 2 one-day "retreats" (my word)). My H had (and still has) such a packed schedule that our time hanging out is often limited (or spend running errands/doing chores/etc.). I really enjoyed having time just with him to focus on us, enjoy two very lovely retreat centers.

The best part of the wedding was the whole stinking mass. I loved every bit of it. I loved our music (we used very contemporary, but liturgical, music) and that we got to make it so "us." Like Prof said, even within the "constraints," it was perfectly us. We are both passionately Catholic, so having a mass was an absolute no-brainer for us, and neither of us could imagine it any other way.

I also loved the two other things I cared about: flowers and paper stuff. I put a lot of love into them, and I am still over-the-moon for them.

Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding?

I would have pushed to do our FOCCUS review with a married couple, which our parish normally does. However, we scored well, and the parish was going through a transition that left them short of mentor couples, so we went over it with the marriage coordinator. I found out later that the married couple was something my H was really excited about, and I think he would have been more comfortable in that setting. He's not big into answering questions on the spot -- more into having a conversation about the topic, so that aspect was not his favorite.

For the wedding, it feels like there is never enough time to see/talk to everyone and enjoy it for yourself, so I would have loved to slow time. Realistically, I would have done more pre-wedding pictures (and communicated better with my photographer) so things weren't so crazy after mass.

What do you love most about married life?

I love that, no matter what else our lives hold, we come home to each other. I love eating dinner with my husband every night, and cannot express how much I love falling asleep in his arms every.single.night. There is no better feeling in my mind. It makes you feel so safe and loved.

I also knew that he would be a great father, but watching him fall in love with our LO more each day through pregnancy is amazing. For months, he was more excited than I was. Today, he confessed that he wanted to paint the nursery pink (which neither of us believed he actually said). I could go on and on, but it comes down to getting to fall in love more every day (even on days when we disagree).

I also love that we want to grow in faith together (and push one another to grow individually). There is no question that God is at the center of our lives and everything else stems out from that.

What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different?

Figuring out the little things (chore distribution, finances, etc.) is never easy or fun, but they aren't things you can get away from.

Anything else you'd like to add...

Ditto Riss on not sweating the small stuff when it comes to wedding planning. It really, really doesn't matter in the long run, especially if it only kinda, sorta matters now. Be a good hostess. Beyond that, don't feel pressured into anything just because it's the way of Martha Stewart or Style Me Pretty or the girls on TK or whatever. Focus on what matters most to you, focus on preparing for MARRIAGE, and you will be happy in the end.

Also, take an NFP class.

ring_pop · May 2012

What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding?
I loved doing our marriage prep with our sponsor couple. They were such great role models.

For the wedding, I loved the ceremony music. DH and I got to know each other in our Newman Centre choir, so the music was extremely important to us. And I loved the food at our reception.

Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding?
Even though at the time, I thought I was keeping a straight head about what was and wasn't important, in retrospect, I still bought into a lot of the wedding fluff. I wish I hadn't bickered with DH about stupid things. I also wish I hadn't given in to our parents on their demands re: guests.

What do you love most about married life?
I love the feeling of going through life and exploring life with a partner. And I love our baby more than anything - I love seeing DH as a father, and I love our little family.

What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different?
Having a baby has been hard on us as well. When you don't agree on something regarding the baby, it can feel like you're working against each other and not with each other. And time and energy for intimacy are practically non-existent. It's all worth it of course, but sometimes the stress gets to us.

Anything else you'd like to add...
Even though things went wrong (like, my church was broken into that morning!), nothing could take me down from my happy high that day. I just shrugged things off, smiled all day, and it was one of the best days of my life.

Resa77 · May 2012

As an engaged poster, I have LOVED reading this thread!!

GeorgiaPeachMarie · May 2012

What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding?I really loved everything about our wedding. We are both converts and every detail of the music, readings, and Eurcharist had such meaning that I would never trade. The spiritual aspect was so amazing. And I loved my dress!
Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding?I would uninvite my FIL to our wedding. He said (very loudly) at our kiss, "Get 'er done" Really? We got married in a Church during a Mass. Jerk.
What do you love most about married life?Finally getting to live together and enjoy that. We are very traditional and waited to live together until after we got married. And it was definetly for the best.
What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different?I think the hardest part was just the everyday adjustment. I graduated from college, got married, moved, and started a new job all within a month. It was a difficult adjustment but at the same time, without the support from my husband I don't think I could have handled all of the change.
Anything else you'd like to add...I would just add that this really is a once in a lifetime day and to enjoy it!

mizzswager · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_post-wedding-wisdom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:21ba1770-457b-4bf1-a3f0-a4e566abe0e3Post:ea14889f-4e05-4138-a177-6487e9af7b18">Post-Wedding Wisdom</a>:
[QUOTE]Since a lot of married ladies still frequent the board, I thought we might get together to offer the lovely brides-to-be our post-wedding wisdom... What was your favorite part of your marriage prep and/or wedding? Looking back, what would you change about your marriage prep and/or wedding? What do you love most about married life? What is the hardest aspect of married life or what do you wish were different? Anything else you'd like to add... (I'll put my responses in the next post to kick this off.)
Posted by Nickie431[/QUOTE]

<div>As a bride to be on her way to complete happiness.... The wedding planning frenzy can be a bit overwhelming. Wondering if your making the right choices and how to make your day perfect. This post is greatly appreciated from those of you who have already been there. Thank you so much!!! </div><div>
</div><div>How did everyone handle family members with hurt feelings? I have a relative who literally stopped speaking to me and let me know not to bother sending an invite because she's not a bridesmaid (She would have had a role in my wedding had she returned my call). I'm trying to just move past it but, it is difficult to make sure everyone is happy. It feels like everyone in the family has something to say about the way it should go. We are paying for the wedding on our own. Also, do you acknowledge your parents on the invitation if your paying for your big day? </div><div>
</div><div>Thank you in advance... </div><div>
</div><div>Bride in Training <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" /></div>

Riss91 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_post-wedding-wisdom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:21ba1770-457b-4bf1-a3f0-a4e566abe0e3Post:6929a21e-f33f-44e0-a93e-7e33f8771e73">Re: Post-Wedding Wisdom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Post-Wedding Wisdom : As a bride to be on her way to complete happiness.... The wedding planning frenzy can be a bit overwhelming. Wondering if your making the right choices and how to make your day perfect. This post is greatly appreciated from those of you who have already been there. Thank you so much!!! How did everyone handle family members with hurt feelings? I have a relative who literally stopped speaking to me and let me know not to bother sending an invite because she's not a bridesmaid (She would have had a role in my wedding had she returned my call). I'm trying to just move past it but, it is difficult to make sure everyone is happy. It feels like everyone in the family has something to say about the way it should go. We are paying for the wedding on our own. Also, do you acknowledge your parents on the invitation if your paying for your big day? Thank you in advance... Bride in Training
Posted by mizzswager[/QUOTE]

With your relative that wasn't a bridesmaid, I would write to her and explain that you love her and care about her feelings. It isn't worth starting trouble over something so small. Just tell her: You are sorry she felt slighted by not being asked to be part of the wedding party. Let her know that you still want her to be a part of your day and that she would truly be missed if she chose not to attend.

As far as your parents - I think the same rule applies - it's not that big of a deal to put them on the invitation, so if you think it would make them happy, just do it. We chose to say "Together with their families" rather than listing names.

lmeade62 · May 2012

What was your favorite part of your wedding prep and/or wedding? Oh, my, so many things. Though this was my second marriage, it was my first WEDDING, and I loved being a bride even at the advanced age of 49, LOL. I loved the idea of marrying the man I loved, and getting married in the Church was simply sublime. I think some of the best parts before the wedding were just dreaming of it.

The wedding itself...as others have said, I loved every minute of the Mass. It made the marriage so incredibly sacred to me, I can't even begin to describe how I felt. I watch it sometimes just to hear those words "I, Ron, take you, Linda, to be my wife." I dreamt them over and over before that day, and they were positively sublime. I loved having my family and friends there, before and during the wedding and for the little bit we got to be with them after and the next day.

The night before our wedding couldn't have been better. Everyone arrived safely, we had a lovely impromptu dinner at the local, nationally-famous BBQ place. I had an amazing evening with my maid of honor and cousin - no big bachelorette party, just us and a bottle of wine.

Looking back, what would you have changed about your marriage prep and/or wedding? The biggest things I would've changed about the wedding would have been to not get so caught up in having specific things that it caused friction between me and my husband. I became somewhat obsessed with a couple of things, and when he didn't agree, I'm not proud to say, I threw a bit of a tantrum. If I have any advice for brides-to-be, it's RELAX and LET THINGS GO.

I wish we could have had more time with our priest before the wedding. The re-marriage seminar was quite nice, but since there were many mixed couples there - I think we were only one of two couples where both the husband and the wife were Catholic - the information was somewhat generic, rather than being based on how to be a good spouse in the faith. We would've like more Catholic-focused instruction on marriage.

I would've walked and sat in my dress more - I stepped on it almost the minute I started down the aisle, because I hadn't once walked in it without holding it up. That meant I had to hold my dress up rather than hold my dad's arm. Because I hadn't practiced sitting in the dress, I didn't know what the most comfortable position was, and I had myself laced into it way too tight (vanity over comfort!). At some points of the ceremony, that was distracting, and I got kind of dizzy while we were kneeling for Communion and had to sit in my chair, LOL. The minute the wedding was over and we were through the receiving line, I had them loosen the laces so I could eat in some comfort.

I would've had better instructions for my family members before and after the ceremony. We didn't have a full blown rehearsal with everyone there, due to almost everyone being from out of town. We didn't have any attendants other than my maid of honor, but I would've liked the recessional to be more organized.

I also would have gone with different musicians. The string quartet we had wasn't as good as I would've liked.

I also would've planned out things better with the photographer at the reception, so she was there longer and would have taken more pictures of all the couples there. And I would've had a first dance for me and my husband, and time for more toasts, maybe from my dad and my brother and someone from Ron's family. But I wanted the reception to be very relaxed and informal.

What do I love most about married life? This is going to sound weird, but up until the time we were actually married, I was afraid he would change his mind and not want to be with me. Knowing he has committed to me forever and ever - and he wouldn't have married me if he wasn't - takes my breath away sometimes and makes me feel incredibly blessed. I love being with him. I think the things I love best about being married are things I can't really put into words. And I'm sure this is TMI, but I love making love with him and knowing it's sacred and blessed...at every other time in my life (before I was Catholic), sex was something I felt guilty about, because I was doing it outside of marriage.

The hardest aspect of married life and the things we're still working on... I lived alone for a really long time before we met. I still spend a couple of days per week in one house alone, and he spends a couple of days alone in the other, due to his custody arrangement. That's hard because it feels like one or both of us is always packing up to leave, and I wish we could just have a "normal" household situation. On the other hand, it may be best this way since I'm still adjusting to not living alone and having things all my way!

I'm still working on things like not being selfish and putting his needs first, and getting used to the way he celebrates birthdays and things (he's not a big "gift" person and I really am). We are both incredibly conflict-avoidant and so we rarely argue but we do bicker when we're both irritable, and when we do have an argument it's not pretty. We don't namecall and we certainly don't get physical but it's very hard. He's much better at saying, "We have to take a time-out from this, we're both way too upset to discuss it rationally." I need to get better at that. We keep talking and working on those things.

I think one big thing, too, is not letting my "image" of what marriage should be get in the way. I mean, I knew intellectually everything wouldn't be roses and sunshine after we got married, but when little things go awry, I get that queasy feeling that something's terribly wrong, when it's really just bumps in the marital road. I need to get better at accepting that and not worrying so much.

Great questions...this has really helped me be grateful for the things that are beautiful in my marriage, and remember the things I need to work on...

Linda

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