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Changing my last name...debate!

Hi Ladies!

Just wondering if anyone on here is not going to change their last name once married? I have been very firm, since I was a little girl in fact, that I would never change my last name.

Without ever discussing it, my fiance knew the second he met me that if he asked me to marry him one day, that I would refuse to take his name.

With 10 mos to go before our wedding, I am starting to feel pressure from both my parents and his parents to change my last name. Everyone keeps reminding me that this is the one and only thing that my fiance feels so strongy about so why can't I just compromise! What about my feeling so strongly about not changing my name...no one is taking my feelings into consideration. My mother keeps babbling on about how honored she was to take my father's name. For me, it has nothing to do with not feeling honored to take my fiances name...I just want to simply keep my name.

My fiance feels that we are not a whole family unit bc our future kids will have a different name.

Has anyone else gone through this? This is our one and only issue before walking down the aisle. I've never felt pressured into doing anything before. I always do what I want regardless of what people think, feel, or say. I feel an immense amount of pressure and everyone is making me look like I'm the bad guy bc Im not giving in.

How would you handle this?

Re: Changing my last name...debate!

  • id012id012 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    If you feel really strongly about it dont change it. I mean if FI knew thats how you felt long ago then it shouldnt be a big deal right?
    I am unsure about changing my last night. i just really really like my last name, my whole name together actually. 
     I think i might keep it and add his to mine. is that an option for you?

  • Tell him that if he wants to have the same name as you, he can change his name to yours. 

    There is nothing wrong with keeping your own name. I decided I wanted to keep my name, so I am going to have 2 last names (Mylast Hislast), and my fiance is going to take my name so he has two last names (Mylast Hislast), though I'm not sure if he's legally going to change it or just socially. 
  • I am not taking my FI last name after we're married. He knew I wouldn't do it and he's fine with it. There's nothing wrong with keeping your last name and if you really don't want to, you should not be pressured into it. It is YOUR name and you're the only one who has to live with it so it is your choice. Honestly, friends and family who have asked me are shocked when I tell them about it but they understand it is my decision.
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  • It's funny, even though I'm on the other side of the fence here (I can't wait to take my fiance's last name) I can still completely understand where you are coming from! Every bride is different - my preference is to take FI's name, yours is to keep your name. I think you have just as much right to keep your name as I do to take my FI's name! If you want to keep your name, you should keep it...even if it doesn't make other people happy. It's YOUR name so YOU should be happy with it! I suppose you could look into hyphenating your two last names, but you've probably already considered that...?

    At the end of the day, the strength of your family isn't based on the last name....it doesn't make you any better of a parent or wife! I think your security in your own identity is inspirational :)

    Also I agree with the PP about him changing his name to yours! He should do that if he wants to have the same last name. That's a good compromise!
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  • 'Please don't change your name because you feel pressured to do so, or you may come to really resent it later.  If your future husband feels strongly that you're not a family unless you all have the same last name,  then I'd tell him that he's welcome to change his name if he'd like.  I'm guessing that'll make him keep his mouth shut.  Changing your name is an immensely personal decision and you need to make it for yourself.  It's YOUR name, no one else gets a say.  And I"m not sure why your family is saying "why can't you just compromise"...you changing your name isn't a compromise, it's you making a huge change, and him doing nothing.  Where is the compromise there?  

    And I'm not even saying any of this as someone who's keeping her name...I'm likely changing mine, I just strongly believe that everyone needs to do what's best for them regarding the name issue.  
  • We're going on our 1 year and I still haven't changed mine.  Part of it is for professional reasons; the other part of me just hasn't felt that desire to take my husband's last name. I changed it on Facebook, though, haha.  I haven't felt any pressure, though. I'm pretty sure that his family just assumes I took the last name and I don't have any problems being known socially as HisLast.  I've heard that a lot of women wait to take their husband's last name until they have kids and then their feelings change (or they're at least motivated to get on with the paperwork).  Either way, though, I agree that you shouldn't change it because you feel pressured.  And (if possible) I would try to keep the discussion between you and your husband and then other people can assume you took it (or not).

    Good luck!
  • I am going to voice what a lot of other PPs did.  I say go with what you want to do. My FI isn't crazy about the fact that I am going to hypenate my name but when he gives me any sh*t about it, I say "well why don't you change your last name?"  Like Katred08 say, that definitely shuts him up.

    Bottom line is you need to do what YOU want to do.
  • I think the other part of this is that you don't need to decide before the wedding.  Like Vanessa said, she still hasn't done it legally. So take some time to think about it more until you're comfortable with your decision.
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  • I've been married almost two years and still have not change my last name. It's partly due to laziness but also because I don't feel it's right for me to get rid of my maiden name. It's part of who I am. DH expressed some concerns with it but I gave him the "why don't you change your last name?" and that shuts him up. I think the only option I would consider is hyphenating.  I don't think you should compromise if it doesn't feel right for you. Socially I'm known as Mrs. MarriedName and maybe one day I will change my mind but until then I'm keeping my maiden name. 
  • Its completely up to you. Part of me really doesn't wanna change mine either. That's my name! But I do want to take my husbands last name. I will feel more like a family. I want the same last name as my daughter. And yes part of it is honor. But to each their own
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  • Thank you ladies! It's nice to know that I am not the only one feeling this way! I do have plenty of time to think about my decesion, while trying to take my FI request into consideration.

    I feel more at ease and less pressured if I do decide to stick with my name. I'd rather take his name and go all in (so to say) or stick with mine comepletly...no hyphens here! :)
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