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Help! BF's mom is unbearable.

AllisonT91AllisonT91 member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Okay guys, I need some help! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years, and we have unofficially gotten engaged. By that, I mean that we (and everyone who knows us) have already completely committed ourselves to one another, but want to wait until I graduate to get engaged and married. My boyfriend's mom is becoming a big problem. She talks about everybody, even complete strangers, behind their backs. She has verbally and physically abused my boyfriend on multiple occasions, and definitely verbally abuses him on a daily basis. He is living at home right now, working and trying to pay off his student debt since he graduated in May. My main problem is this: She and I just had a little blowout because she was making fun of him and I interjected and told her off. I have tried my best to put up with her and help their family stay together, but finally had enough. My boyfriend just wants to elope so we don't have to deal with his family, but I can't imagine leaving my family out of our wedding. I am very close with my parents, and don't know what to do. I want my parents there, but I don't want his to come and ruin everything. I feel like it isn't fair for him to not have anybody and me have my parents. Either way, we wanted to have a very intimate wedding with a guest list of around 15. Does anybody have any suggestions for me?
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Re: Help! BF's mom is unbearable.

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    AllisonT91AllisonT91 member
    First Comment
    Thank you! Luckily, we have plenty of time to plan this and figure it all out. Maybe she'll even change by then, but I doubt it. I didn't think about replacing her with friends of his so there will be a pretty even number of people on both "sides". That makes me feel a lot better about the whole situation, so really, thank you!!
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    beardownbchsbeardownbchs member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited January 2013
    He should really move out. I understand he's got bills and stuff but he's gotta get out of there. His mom is starting to get in between the two of you and the best way to stop that is for him to move out. She may even appreciate him more and be less of an jerk when she realizes that he doesn't need her and that he doesn't have to see him.

    My fiance's mother sounds kind of like your boyfriend's mother. She LOVES to talk smack and she's just an all-around jerk. She has been rude to me and rude to her son so we stopped visiting her. Now instead of expecting us to kiss her butt, she's started kissing ours. 

    Edited for inappropriate language.
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    beardownbchsbeardownbchs member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Sorry Retread. Thanks for pointing it out.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ditto all Retread said.  Your bf should see if he can move out.  He shouldn't have to endure that kind of abuse because he is paying off bills.  Could he move in with you?  Are you in student housing or living off campus?  Would he be able to move in with your parents?  Anything to get out of his mother's house will be best for him. 

    And it should be up to him, if he wants to completely cut off contact with his mother. 
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    AllisonT91AllisonT91 member
    First Comment
    I'm living with my parents, but I think it would be okay for him to stay here. My parents have been really supportive of him, but he feels like he mooches off of them if he stays the night here. Even if he was giving them some rent money, I think he would still be uncomfortable in the situation. He's looking at moving in with a cousin, but he still keeps trying to work out a relationship with his mother. She never changes, and it breaks my heart to see him getting hurt like this. I'm going to really focus on trying to find other options for places for him to live. Thanks everybody!
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    AllisonT91AllisonT91 member
    First Comment
    He has agreed to come live with my family, and he is already in counseling. His mom has agreed to go to counseling, but she "doesn't understand why" she needs to go, because it's always everyone else's fault and not hers. I don't even feel guilty trying to sever the relationship, because she's hurting him all the time. I will keep y'all updated!
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    beardownbchsbeardownbchs member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-bfs-mom-is-unbearable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:47ad29bf-0ae8-4798-9511-8a993e40ad21Post:7258a033-4b39-49f4-a1dd-4229d1cc8304">Re: Help! BF's mom is unbearable.</a>:
    [QUOTE]He has agreed to come live with my family, and he is already in counseling. His mom has agreed to go to counseling, but she "doesn't understand why" she needs to go, because it's always everyone else's fault and not hers. <strong>I don't even feel guilty trying to sever the relationship, because she's hurting him all the time. </strong>I will keep y'all updated!
    Posted by AllisonT91[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Please don't try to sever the relationship. This is your FI's decision and his alone. Both of them will hold it against you if you do. I know how you feel and it's horrible to watch the man you love being treated like poop by his own parents. I totally get it. But you need to be supportive of him when he's miserable about it and that's it. No man should ever have to choose between his wife and his mom. Even if you're not making him do this, it might feel like it to him.</div>
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    AllisonT91AllisonT91 member
    First Comment
    That's a good point. I'm glad I'm getting all this advice. I'm not used to this situation, and need all the help I can get so I don't make any mistakes that could hurt our relationship.
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