Final Straw

gloverjohnson · September 2011

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AdamsGirl2012 · September 2011

My MOH will not fullfil my wishes or take any of the other BMs advice except her cousins who is also a BMs. She asks her family for advice for is older women in their 60s who are a bit out of touch with our generation and how things are done. She complains about the other girls the budget and states she has to be conscious of my family and friends’ dynamics and budgets. I’m not sure how this is possible since she never talks with them so they have no way of voicing their concerns and from what I’m hearing and witnessing first hand she is being the difficult one. I have asked her for things to be done and she responds with huge longs stories about why she cannot afford it but then buys cigarettes, booze and goes to bars. I don’t feel very good ranking below those items. The finally straw was again she got my involved in the planning for the bach party, I don’t know why when she does not take my advice! Then she said I offended her because I told her I never heard of splitting of the bach party at the end of the night. My fiancee’s family is coming from out of town. I would feel awful if something happened to them. I don’t feel right leaving them on their own in area they don’t know! Her plan is for me and her cousin, one of the other BMs to stay at her house but “no one else is welcomed.” Her Mom is coming to pick everyone up and will serve as the DD. I have told her how frustrated I am on Tuesday and she has yet to respond. I have also asked to get a hotel that would be about $140 with 2 beds so it would be cheaper depending how many girls split it. She originally told me in January that we would spend get a hotel in that area because it has special meaning to me. My other BM have asked her to get a hotel but she refuses. Please note, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I do realize with the economy budgets are tight but I think I have been very considerate of the my BMs. Their dresses were less than $150! I don’t think I’m asking for too much for this in a lifetime event. What should I do?

What things are you asking her to get done? This shouldn't be anything more than purchasing her dress. A bachelorette party, a shower, etc. (although nice) are not requirements and none of your girls are responsible for throwing them. I think that the girls should plan a bachelorette party that they can afford and you should let them work everything out between themselves. I would make it clear to your cousin, however, that all the girls need to be included in the events of the night and that you would like to have a sleepover with her some other time.

em01092 · September 2011

I think you need to lower your expectations of your MOH and BMs. You can't control how they spend their money, even if you disagree. I too would feel hurt ranking below those items, but she's an adult and you can't boss her around.

You really are not supposed to be planning the B-party either. You can make suggestions if they ask and you can turn down something they offer (strip clubs). I would just back off with the whole thing and let them figure it out. Everyone here is adults. They can take care of themselves, including your FIs family.

What exactly do you mean about "splitting of the bach party at the end of the night?" Are you talking about costs? Usually the bride does not pay, but sometimes they insist, especially for more expensive affairs.

em01092 · September 2011

Wow. That was fast. Nice DD.

MairePoppy · September 2011

@Adams Girl - thanks for quoting. Did you know that you can just click on 'quote?' It's under the reply box.

@gloverjohnson - your MOH is not responsible for planning parties or entertaining your out of town guests. It is her right to determine how many houseguests she can accomodate. Your ILs should be able to fend for themselves for the evening or your fi could assist his family members. But if the date of the bp doesn't work for you, you can decline the party. I have never heard of the MOH picking up the cost of the BP. Usually, everyone pays their own way and chips in to cover the bride's cost (within reason).

Also, MOH gets to decide how much of her money she is willing to spend on your wedding and pre-wedding activities. If she says she can't afford a hotel room for your bp, you must take her at her word. How she spends her own money is not your business. She can spend it on booze, cigs or burn it in the fireplace if she wishes because it is her money.

This wedding may be a once in life time event for you, your fi and families, but for everyone else, it's just another wedding. Please be more considerate of your friends. If the bms buy their dresses and show up on time for your wedding, they have fulfilled their duties. Anything else is extra.

You'll be a lot happier if you dial down your expectations. Good luck.

gloverjohnson · September 2011

I can see where you’re coming from, stating I should lower my expectations perhaps I was not clear enough or maybe I just really need to lower my expectations, let me know. I don’t want to be involved in any of planning and never asked to be! I’ve had mixed feelings throughout this process. I know she is trying to make this nice for but the majority of times when we talk she complains to me about how much stressed she is, how much money this is costing her, how the other girls are not meeting her demands… And no one ever asked her to take this on by herself or do anything, this is something she decided on her own! I personally feel if this was going to be too much for her she should never have done it! There are times I ask her what can I do to make you happy? It’s crazy! As for the things I’m asking for. I should clarify because I sound like a bridezilla. She will ask for my advice and I will give her my thoughts and then she will either argue with me or do the opposite. I have been dealing with this for over a year and bite my tongue. A good example, she asked me to help her pick out bridal shower prizes since I know everyone who will be attending. I thought that was thoughtful of her and I spent an entire day assisting her. She then took all the prizes back because she did not like them and got different prizes! She has been pulling stuff like this and it’s frustrating! And I repeatedly ask her to ask the other girls! The recent stunt was the bach party. She planning it and has told and everyone else it is supposed to be a surprise but then she asked me if my finacee’s family is staying at my house. I told her I was not aware of the plans and everyone is welcomed to stay to there. She then told me I have a place to stay and so does her cousin my other BM but no one else. It seemed like it was implied that I was supposed to find them rooms or communicate this? I told her once again I don’t want to be involved…

Muffin'sMom · September 2011

I have to tell you that, for me, a Bachelorette Party is not a once in a lifetime event. Seriously? You are going out clubbing with your friends and a designated driver. (And your designated driver is the nicest person ON THE PLANET because this sounds like it could be a disaster...)

It's her gig, and so is the shower, and how she chooses to do it is not your worry. If she asks, tell her that you know how wonderful she is and that you are sure that whatever she does will be just awesome. Then change the subject.

If you keep on with this stress and anger, you will ruin your engagement happy time, and lose a friend in the process.

AdamsGirl2012 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_final-straw-moh-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5d251a8b-745d-4efd-9e71-2cd8ddf3e85ePost:e83920ab-91a4-4149-8462-3c367d91c467">Re: Final Straw</a>:
[QUOTE]@Adams Girl - thanks for quoting. Did you know that you can just click on 'quote?' It's under the reply box. [/QUOTE]

Good to know! I will make sure to use that in the future.

MairePoppy · September 2011

ditto Muffin'sMom - just stay out of it.

If you think your MOH is in over her head you could tell the her 'thanks, but no thanks on the BP.' A BP should be a fun, relaxing get together with your closest friends, not a stress inducing event.

Shayyy01 · September 2011

I know you dont want to be involed but you are. They are doing this for you, she may not be doing it the way you would like, thats understandable. If she is asking you your opinion and then not really taking them into consideration, yeah for sure thats annoying, but you got to let it go. For the most part she is trying to make your BP the best she can and she's doing it for you.

You arent being a bridezilla, just annoyed it happens. Personally i would have a small get together (dinner at your house maybe) with the Bridal party (anyone you want to be at BP) and talk to them all about it. Have each one voice what they think is a good idea and go from there.

Also something i've done with all my BM's is i gave them each others phone numbers and any other important numbers they may need. (My mom's,MIL)

You dont want to go into this saying i deserve this and i deserve that.. go into it saying these girls are standing up here with me because they love me and want to be apart of my day.

Good Luck

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