Taking your sis out of the wedding party

brendall99 · August 2012

sooo... me and my sister never really have gotten along and recently we had a very big "discussion" to put it nicely and I really would not like to have her as part of that day ( she can still attend of course) but I just do not know how to tell my parents and her!... what do i do?!!!

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

Are you willing to forever damage your relationship with your sister? Because that's what you most likely will do if you kick her out of your wedding party. Is the fight you had really worth all the strife it will cause not only between you two but probably your whole immediate family?

brendall99 · August 2012

well it got to the point of no return which was a physical altercation from her part. we are not close, not only because of our age difference(not that its HUGE) but she is 20 and still very inmature and my whole thought is... if she did not mind to ruin that relationship when she hit me why do I have to care? specially when its one of the most important days in my life. It hurts me but it also hurts what was done and I just dont think its fair that in my wedding I have to look at her and feel sad... =S

crash2729 · August 2012

I think that etiquette went out the window when she hit you TBH.

Also? I wouldn't even invite her to the ceremony.

Tell your parents and your sis separately.

FluffyGumDrop2 · August 2012

If you remove her, will she still show up as a guest or will this escalate into a "I'm not going to her wedding she kicked me out and if anyone goes to it they're dead to me too" kind of a move from your sister?

Removing someone from the wedding party is typically considered a friendship ending move and only advised when you're 100% okay with the relationship ending. I'm not trying to guilt you into keeping her in the wedding, but you know your sister best and know what the most likely outcome would be if you went through with this. Are you ready and willing to deal with whatever the outcome might be?

ETA: Just saw that she hit you; I'd remove her and also not have her at the ceremony.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_taking-your-sis-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:646a05fe-b0b4-4253-86eb-794c4cf7e2a3Post:e763e5e6-3fed-4a39-a4c4-b8d17794c295">Re: Taking your sis out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]well it got to the point of no return which was a physical altercation from her part. we are not close, not only because of our age difference(not that its HUGE) but she is 20 and still very inmature and my whole thought is... if she did not mind to ruin that relationship when she hit me why do I have to care? specially when its one of the most important days in my life. It hurts me but it also hurts what was done and I just dont think its fair that in my wedding I have to look at her and feel sad... =S
Posted by brendall99[/QUOTE]

Information like this would be beneficial in the original post.

If she hit you, I probably wouldn't invite her to the wedding as a guest either. I mean, it sounds like you don't want a relationship with her (not saying I blame you, but just saying it doesn't seem like you want to fix things), so why have her there at all, KWIM?

brendall99 · August 2012

She is stilla t the age where she twitters and does all that, I dont think she will go to the point of being mad at everyone that goes, specially because the wedding is in another country and only close friends of mine, his and family in that country are going(150 guest... which means big fam) but she will twitter facebook etc about the situation ... that I know FOR SURE.
I am not concerned of the ending relationship since we practically dont have one anymore, I honestly had her on there because its my little and only sister and it would hurt if I didnt but after that I just dont want to have anythign ruin that special day and I know she is not going to be like super happy with helping me and etc... do I make sense?

Im just really hurt and I have to tell my parents at some point and her of course so I can add someone else in her place... its 4 months away so I gotta plan that already.

I just want to know if I am doing the right thing

brendall99 · August 2012

Yes I know that maybe I shouldve said that but I guess I wanted a response without havign to think about that or anyone to really know all the details but since it seemed like I was the bad one I want to specify things you know.... not that I dont want to fix things but i has been 4 weeks and not even an apology ive received. so im just torn with emotions.In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_taking-your-sis-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:646a05fe-b0b4-4253-86eb-794c4cf7e2a3Post:ef700e30-7d38-44c6-a078-effbee72f016">Re: Taking your sis out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Taking your sis out of the wedding party : Information like this would be beneficial in the original post. If she hit you, I probably wouldn't invite her to the wedding as a guest either. I mean, it sounds like you don't want a relationship with her (not saying I blame you, but just saying it doesn't seem like you want to fix things), so why have her there at all, KWIM?
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

MyNameIsNot · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_taking-your-sis-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:646a05fe-b0b4-4253-86eb-794c4cf7e2a3Post:bb326591-9d5c-4d25-abf5-b9e20e15f352">Re: Taking your sis out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]She is stilla t the age where she twitters and does all that, I dont think she will go to the point of being mad at everyone that goes, specially because the wedding is in another country and only close friends of mine, his and family in that country are going(150 guest... which means big fam) but she will twitter facebook etc about the situation ... that I know FOR SURE. I am not concerned of the ending relationship since we practically dont have one anymore, I honestly had her on there because its my little and only sister and it would hurt if I didnt but after that I just dont want to have anythign ruin that special day and I know she is not going to be like super happy with helping me and etc... do I make sense? Im just really hurt and I have to tell my parents at some point and her of course <strong>so I can add someone else in her place...</strong> its 4 months away so I gotta plan that already. I just want to know if I am doing the right thing
Posted by brendall99[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Why on earth would you want someone else in her place? You never replace a wedding party member, no matter what. </div><div>
</div><div>If you want to kick her out, call her, tell her that after she struck you, you've decided that you don't want her in your life anymore, and that means you don't want her at your wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>With your parents, call them as well, and let them know that after the physical attack, you've decided that you are cutting ties with your sister. They will probably be upset, but you just need to stand your ground and let them know that violence is where you draw the line. </div><div>
</div>

brendall99 · August 2012

Well I am only thinking of replacing with another friend of mine because I have a groomsman that would be left without the partner .. We bought all d bridesmaids dresses so i can always take it from her .. Just dont want to change all the things that werr alrrady set for 6 bridesmaids n groomsman...

is that ok?

MyNameIsNot · August 2012

Yes, it is perfectly fine. The idea that sides must be equal is just silly.

If you were to add someone now, she would feel like an understudy and runner up. Everyone else would get the message that you consider them a cast, not a collection of closest friends.

sierraberry32 · August 2012

If you don't want her in your wedding, tell her! She's your baby sister. She might hate you for a while, but sooner or later, she will put on her big girl panties and get over it. Don't think that just because you are kicking her out of your wedding, means you are kicking her out of your life. Somehow families always manage to get back together.

TheVirginians · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_taking-your-sis-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:646a05fe-b0b4-4253-86eb-794c4cf7e2a3Post:6c86fc96-a7f4-4d1c-bbf0-10f169c20054">Re: Taking your sis out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE] If you don't want her in your wedding, tell her! She's your baby sister. She might hate you for a while, but sooner or later, she will put on her big girl panties and get over it. Don't think that just because you are kicking her out of your wedding, means you are kicking her out of your life. Somehow families always manage to get back together.
Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]

Excellent advice and excellent perspective!

brendall99 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_taking-your-sis-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:646a05fe-b0b4-4253-86eb-794c4cf7e2a3Post:50fba0ce-2297-4268-9fd8-15d0d1470e80">Re: Taking your sis out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Taking your sis out of the wedding party : Excellent advice and excellent perspective!
Posted by va4ryans[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Thank you I think this is what I was looking for... I am not trying to have anyone as runner up, my friends knew the situation specially it being out of the country and I just feel like its not fair for me to accomodate everyone in my family even after something like that was done. I was hurt physically and emotionally... this is a sister that does not care about how she hurt me, has not apologized and has not one time helped with any wedding stuff. </div><div>
</div><div>I know its silly about the wedding guys having to be the same... just wanted to make it look good and didnt want anyone to feel like they were walking alone for a reason... but I agree it does not have to be equal and I will take the advice and keep it as it is... uneven. all my family its out of the US and the ones that I have told feel the way I feel, I dont feel like im gonna not talk to her FOREVER and damage my whole relaitonship with my immidiate family but I guess i dont know.

</div>

brendall99 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_taking-your-sis-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:646a05fe-b0b4-4253-86eb-794c4cf7e2a3Post:e1b113ec-7e86-4e7b-9237-ce1fd1175c87">Re:Taking your sis out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Taking your sis out of the wedding party: This is not always true. It's a lovely sentiment but there are thousands of estranged family members out there. OP, I wouldn't blame you one bit for not wanting a relationship with your sister after she physically attacked you, and I'm not trying to talk you into leaving her in the wedding. But you cannot count on the above advice being true. I'd take the wedding out of the equation and decide how you want to handle having or not having your sister in your life in general. Either way, please don't replace her. It is an insult to the person you replace her with. Uneven sides are fine, and I'm sure no one will question removing an abusive family member. But adding someone else says "my biggest concern is how my wedding party visually looks, and I'm using people like decorations", even if that is not your intent.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

yea I see your point and I dont want everyone to feel bad, I am just I guess trying to make myself feel better by taking her out which I shouldnet even have due to the situation.... Thank you I really think Im just going to talk to them and tell them that I just feel hurt and dont want someone that hurts me as part of a day thats supposed to be so happy and special to me.

I guess I will take it how it comes and unlike her I know that there are consequences to actions you take... so I will keep my fingers crossed that this will work how I want it to.. =S... (NERVOUS)

mmmendi · August 2012

Whether your sister remains in your wedding party or not, you have a discussion that is unavoidable. That part will be difficult, and I hope that it goes as smoothly as possible and you are both able to hear each other. And - walk away before her reaction is volatile again (that is her walk away or you, please don't think I am making you responsible for her behavior, that isn't what I meant at all!)

brendall99 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_taking-your-sis-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:646a05fe-b0b4-4253-86eb-794c4cf7e2a3Post:1e39dbab-a017-462d-b2af-32dde758166c">Re: Taking your sis out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]Whether your sister remains in your wedding party or not, you have a discussion that is unavoidable. That part will be difficult, and I hope that it goes as smoothly as possible and you are both able to hear each other. And - walk away before her reaction is volatile again (that is her walk away or you, please don't think I am making you responsible for her behavior, that isn't what I meant at all!)
Posted by mmmendi[/QUOTE]

Thank you, It has been super akward for everyone and I just want to put an end to everything. I willhave this talk this weekend and hopefully everything goes good . Thanks again!

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