Need advice (very, very long FYI)

morenachica110 · July 2012

Girls, I'm so devastated and I don't know what to do. My dad is paying for my wedding. He didn't have to and I'm so very grateful. We haven't had a very close relationship because he was in the military and got sent all over the place. My mom opted to stay (with my brother and I) in her small hometown. So I haven't lived with my dad since I was 11. After that it was every other weekend and then it kind of fizzled to (now) about once a year. Its just because everyone has busy lives and I understand (he now lives about 9 hours away).

Both of my parents remarried recently and, to keep the story shortish, I met my dad's wife and she seems nice but I don't like my mom's husband. I've talked about this with my mom, but she keeps trying to override it and get us all to hang out. I don't have any desire to.

My dad has only made 2 requests out of this WHOLE wedding. 1: To invite his cousin that he's close with (and cousin's wife). 2: He wants to sit in the front row (corner seat) because he'll be giving me away and wants to able to just sit down right there because he gets really nervous around crowds. Cool. Well, that would mean my dad, his wife, and her 3 kids in the front (because I think it would be REALLY weird to split up spouses and her kids don't know anyone there). I talked to my mom about this because the only other thing I can come up with is to have her, her husband, my brother, and his FI in the second row. My mom thinks it will be weird/cause drama (it won't cause drama unless it's from her) just being on the same property as my dad. So I didn't want to sit them beside each other.

We had a fight and then I (stupidly) though we had made up and come to a conclusion as ADULTS. Then I get an email from my mom this morning saying that she is insulted that I'll be giving "her seat" to my dad's wife and will just sit in the back until the ceremony's over and then leave. And how none of her family will be there. When I saw her Monday I told her that I was inviting more of her family than any other group and I'm sorry if they don't want to show up, but that's not on me. Now she's thinks that I couldn't give a rat's arse about any of them.

I'm sorry this is SO long, but I really just don't know what to do. She's throwing my shower for August 11th, but I feel like it would be extremely weird now to still have her host it (she also mentioned that in the email). But it would be my only shower. It pisses me off and hurts me that I probably won't get one, that a lot of people probaby won't/can't come to the wedding and that now my mother won't even stay.

I need some encouraging words or advice or... something.

BMcLeodTeam · July 2012

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mother. She sounds EXTREMELY childish in how she's handling everything!

caterpillar85 · July 2012

I really wish parents would grow up and be civil for one damn day! I don't know how your seating is and how many can fit in one row, but what if you did this for the ceremony-

Dad sits where he wants in the corner, next to his wife. Mom and her hubby sit next to them (or have grandparents in between?), and any kids in the second row.

If there are three of the kids, they can keep each other company, their mom and stepdad are right in front of them, AND it's just for the ceremony. They can all sit together at the reception. Your mom still gets to sit in front and she will just have to deal with being next to them.

FI's parents are going through a nasty divorce right now. They won't speak to each other. FI and I decided that they will be in the front row together and if they have a problem with it they can sit elsewhere with the other guests. No buts about it. We are, however, doing the "don't pick a side" thing where there is no groom and bride sides. So if there is a huge issue, his dad can sit with my family or something.

I hope this all works out for you, it's a shame how immature grown adults can be for a wedding. Just tell her how you feel and hopefully she will understand and put her pride/differences aside and be there for you. GOOD LUCK

scurtis07 · July 2012

Oh my goodness! I am so sorry that you are dealing with this! I think your mom is doing this out of hurt more than anything, and so I think you should approach it from her point of view.

I have learned throughout the wedding planning process, that just nodding and smiling is the way to go. Try and explain kindly your thoughts and then if she is still hurt and upset, ask what you can do to make her happy. I know you have a lot going on but honestly it is your mother and it sounds like she is feeding false information to the rest of your family, so damage control is probably the best way to go.

I know in our heads we just think, "wtf?! one day thats all I ask!! just suck it up!" but this seems to be a battle for who you love more, no matter if she admits it or not. So show her some love, and be patient. Like PP said, she is acting childish, so treat her like a wounded child..?!

bridalmomma · July 2012

Yaz,

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Your mom needs to take a pill... a big one full of "grow the hell up"!!!

Here is what I would do: Explain to her that both she & your dad are important to you.... in EQUAL ways. You want them both there as you love them both & the fact they are no longer married is between them NOT you & you will not be put in the middle. I would tell her she can sit in the front row but your dad & his wife will also be sitting there, and that you expect her to be an adult for the duration of your wedding! If she doesn't like that she can sit where she wants! Then put stepdad/mom & stepmom/dad all in the front row, with your brother & his FI and her 3 kids in the second row.

As a mom I just don't see how she can put what she wants above doing what is right to make her daughter's wedding day as perfect as it can be. For what it is worth I don't think your dad's requests are unreasonable.... he is the one PAYING!! I also think her telling all of her "family" is beyond belief! Hope this advice helps, I will be sending good knottie vibes your way that she sees this & starts pulling her head out of her A$$!! Above all don't let her (or anyone else!) ruin what will be an unforgettable day in your life! xxx

BTW: if you think it will help, show her this post! You can also tell her it came from a 52 woman with two kids of her own who is also in a second marriage!!!

calindi · July 2012

Wow, I am so sorry. I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I have a similar situation with my grandparents. It seems weddings brings out all the family's dirty laundry and drama.

I think what you've suggested is very logical - your Mom on the end of the aisle so she can see you walk down, in the second row so she doesn't have to sit next to your Dad. If she wants front row, why don't you seat your Dad's wife's kids directly behind them and put your Mom and her husband in the 3rd and 4th seat in on the front row?

Ultimately, this isn't something that should be a big deal, and it's a shame she's making it into one. If you are done trying to compromise, then just give them the hard line: "Mom, I love you, and I'm so grateful for the role you have played in raising me. I also love my Dad, and I'm grateful for the relationship we are building now. It is important to me to have BOTH of you there on my wedding day, and I'm trying to make you both happy, but you are making that difficult. If you want to sit in the front row, we can make that happen, but you won't be seated next to Dad. His wife is not and could never take your place in my life, but she's his wife so she sits next to him, just as your husband will sit next to you. I thought you would like the end of the second row so you could see me walk down the aisle. However, ultimately it is your decision. If you are going to put this issue between us, then it's your choice. You are an adult, and I can't change your mind. Just know that if you choose to sit in the back row and miss my reception, it will definitely hurt our relationship and I'm not sure there's any way to repair that. That is your choice, and the result is on your shoulders."

Johnsonk313 · July 2012

Yaz, it really sucks that you have to deal with this right now

. I agree with the pp, the best compromise in this situation is to sit your step-brothers/sisters in the second row right behind your Dad and SM. I know it sucks to be the one to compromise, but I think it will cause you a lot less stress and pain in the long run. *hugs*

Cookies Mom · July 2012

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Like bridalmomma i am a 50+ mom and have gone through a divorce. I have watched the family issues that are going on in my DD's fiance's family and I just can't understand how adults can behave the way they do. My kids and I are very close and we are the type of people who if we have issues we talk, scream or fight it out and then get past it.

My kids father is deceased now so we are not dealing with these kind of issues but after reading your post I sat back and thought about how I would feel in your Mom's place. My ex was not around and barely saw my kids as they were growing up and all of the responsibility fell on me so I can kind of put myself in her shoes. I can see where her behavior may come from resentment that she has been the one that has been there and now she feels that your dad's money (paying for the wedding) is taking president over her years of loving and caring. I'm not saying that YOU are behaving like that is the is the case, but I'm betting that the seating issue may just be the thing that brought her feelings to the surface. If she is aware that you don't like her husband but do like your dad's wife that is probably making it worse, as is seeing her ex with the new wife's kids.

Unfortunately, you will find as time goes on in your relationship with your mom that there are times when you will become the "mom" and she the child! It happened with me and my mom and I can see it starting to happen with me and my daughter. All relationships need to be nurtured and maintained and sometimes that just has to come more from one side than the other.

Is your mom behaving badly? Oh, yeah! Is spreading this out to her whole family wrong? Big time! Is your wedding just one day, YOUR day, and should she suck it up and make the day perfect for you? Absolutely! But please step back and look at it this way - it is just ONE day - do you want to destroy your relationship with your mom over this? I feel so bad for you right now that I could just cry and I feel bad for your mom too as I think she may be hurting over this not just being difficult to be difficult. Go to your mom with love and understanding and try to see why she is feeling the way she does.

Have you talked to your dad about this? He WAS married to her and may totally understand her behavior and feelings. Could your mom sit in that first seat with her husband next to her and your dad just turn and sit in the front pew next to her husband with his wife on the other side? You didn't say how old your step-siblings are but having them right behind their mom seems like it should work - it is only for the ceremony. Can your Dad step back to the first seat in the second pew? I don't do well in crowds either so I understand how this could be hard for him, but maybe he would be OK with that.

Sweetie, I am sending you all the good vibes that I can and hoping that you and your mom can work this out with patience and understanding. Just remember too that once you are walking down that aisle you are not going to care or even notice who is sitting where - you will have eyes only for your groom.

morenachica110 · July 2012

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to remember that she's probably just hurt herself, but this is something that she does all the time. She uses things against me (like leaving the wedding, not doing the shower) or guilt to get what she wants. This is the third time that I have almost written off my mom and it may just hapen this time. I know it sounds horrible, but this is years of built up hurt feelings, wrong doings, and things of that nature. I like the idea of her sitting next to my dad and his wife (she might not want to anyways) but I'll just have to think about whether I want to extend the idea or not.

I'm going to take a few days (or more) to think about what I want to do. Something like this happens very often with her and I don't want to spend my life trying to walk on eggshells so that she doesn't get upset over something miniscule. Hopefully, by giving myself some time, I can find the answer that works for me.

Thanks for the support ladies! It's so good to know that you guys are here along with my MOH's support and FI's family.

smartlypretty · July 2012

WAIT. I GOT IT. HOW ABOUT THIS. Instead of having a "brides side" or a "grooms side", can you mix up the sides and just put your father + wife on one side of the aisle and your mother + husband on the other side of the asile? That way they are both sitting in the front row but they don't have to be next to each other. Then you can put FI parents next to one of them.

Not condoning their child-ish behavior, but just trying to think of a solution and maybe an aisle between them will make everyone happy.

mamameech · July 2012

Why is she making this your problem? She feels threatened and is blaming you, when in reality it's all her. Ugh this sorta stuff frustrates me. I'm not with my son's father but I vowed to forever be civil and pleasant with his father for Noah's sake. In fact I've invited his father to his birthday parties and this year we are even sharing the cost of his bday present. I don't like the guy and still think he's a selfish douchecanoe but Noah will never know that. I'll never understand how parents bring their kids into their marital or post marital feuds/issues. It's wrong and it's unacceptable.

You are not doing anything wrong and your mom needs grow up. BIG BIG hugs to you! I'm really sorry you have to worry about this at all.

AshnRobo · July 2012

I think you handled it as best you could. I'm sorry your mom is being so awful. I think if you just stick to your position, and say this is the most logical seating arrangement. Either she will come to her senses and behave or she won't. You did what you could to get her to enjoy your wedding. That is all you can do.

I hope it woks out.

rbwashington2012 · July 2012

My parents (divorced) are acting really civil about this whole situation and understands that I want them both to sit next to each other during the ceremony. The one acting so far unreasonable is my stepmother (dad's wife). Dad and I both explained to her several times that during the ceremony only that we are going to have the groom's and brides parents sititng together and spouses will be in another row but during the reception, all will be sitted together. She really wants to sit next to my dad. Dad has told her that he is sitting on the end of the aisle since he is walking me in and will be sitting next to her mother. Goes on to tell her that you are being unreasonable for 15 minutes out of your life to just make my daugther happy on her special day? She has been acting the same way as your mother for now a month.

I still don't understand why something so special like your wedding day brings out the skeltons, dirty lanudry and drama in families. I flat out said it to my parents when they were making suggestions for the guest list that you better be sure of the people you want to invite because I don't want to deal with the drama that day. I feel for you so badly about this and yes you should stand your ground on this situation. You are not the bad guy here at all. Your mother is being beyond unreasonable and should set aside that BS she is talking for that bit of time for the ceremony because at the end of the day, it does not look bad on you. Its all eyes on her being selfish and childish instead of an adult.

Need advice (very, very long FYI)

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