Need Advice on Parents...

blschold · March 2010

So I am 21 and a junior in college and not marrying until Aug of 2011 after graduation. I will be 22. My mother keeps undermining everything I want in my wedding by telling me I am too young and nieve to understand how to plan a wedding. It is getting obnoxious because she thinks my cakes to simple, or that 150 people is not a big enough wedding, or Red Black and White is not enough color, and she doesnt like my bridesmaid dresses. Yesterday I finally had it when she said to me that angel foodcake with pineapple frosting was a terrible wedding cake idea and I was just "too young" to understand how things were done. I HATE cake. Its disgusting. And angel foodcake is both the FI and I's favorite dessert ever. So why is it a bad idea to have something I will actually eat at my wedding? I am so sick of being told I am to young to plan this. I am graduating college in a year with a year job experience in PR where I manage people underneath me and I am so annoyed that a Public Relations firm trusts me to do a job and manage people but my own mother wont let me pick out my own god damn cake. Any advice and what to say or how to get her to back the hell off?

PS they are paying for the wedding, but only because they offered us 10 k. We did not ask for it nor expect them to pay for it. They offered 10k to help and we agreed and I am beginning to think I want them to just take it back and scale my wedding down because it may be cheaper but it would still be what I wanted.

futuremrsmueller12 · March 2010

omg! Please vent more... no one will understand you like we do on here! It's totally ok to feel that way... most of us are going through this. My mother said the same thing to me, my colors are silver, deep purple and a few blacks and lavender. BUT my mother knows me best and knows that I do what I want and no one can stop me. She wants all these things and I just said NO NO NO to most of them and she finally got the point that it was MY & FI wedding. She's helping us too but about 1/4 of our budget. We went and had lunch she told me everything "SHE" wanted and I let her know that I loved her ideas and that Fi and I would take them into consideration but nothing was gaarenteed and I also told her the definatly No's there. I am also asking her for her help organize and diy projects & little things to distract her and so far its helping

I think before you accept the money let her know that you're going to spend it on your & fi's choices.

littlebearbride32106 · March 2010

I am in a similar boat, not that my mother told me I'm too young to plan a wedding but that I am too young to get married all together. I think it's nice that your parents offered to help but like you said, is it worth it if they're going to take over your plans and you'll have a wedding that wasn't entirely your choice? The angel food cake sounds perfect, especially if it is you and your FI's favorite. Trust me, I know it is difficult, but you have to put your foot down and explain to your mom why what she's doing bothers you and that she has to remember who is getting married. Getting engaged at our age seems to bring A LOT of resistance and people somehow thinking there is suddnely 10 years off our actual maturity. It's hard but I'm sure if you sit down with your mom and try to calmly explain to her that you know what's best and you are making conscious, educated decisions that work for you and your fiance, she doesn't really have a leg to stand on. If she puts up a bigger argument and you can afford to do the wedding without her contribution just a little smaller, maybe that's the best way to go. Congratulations on your engagement and good luck with everything! Keep us posted!

katiekate2007 · March 2010

I think that you should tell her how you're feeling (nicely). Explain that you value her opinion but it is YOUR weddings. She is still your mom and should understand. Maybe she doesn't realize she is overstepping some boundaries. If worse comes to worse, pay for the wedding yourself so noone is telling you what to do.

lpallad · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_need-advice-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:d799a175-5741-4c74-8733-a5ecffe6e29bPost:e2f93b08-b599-4125-b939-f6e84c7c185d">Re: Need Advice on Parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]I somewhat agree with pp in that you could talk to her about what you and FI wnat and see if she's willing to work with you...but no one seems to have mentioned a very important part: Money talks. If she's paying, she gets to decide. If you don't like her decisions you have every right to say no thank you and pay for your own wedding where you have complete control and say over every little thing. However, if mom's paying, and you are accepting of that, you are also accepting of her planning. Doesn't matter if you asked for the money or not...you accepted it.
Posted by nyrek[/QUOTE]

Agree completely!

nhand2206 · March 2010

That's got to be so annoying. I hate it when people tell me I am too young or that I shouldn't get married, but it would be so much worse if it was my mom.

Just my thoughts on this. My fiance and I will be paying for every aspect of the wedding except for the rehearsal dinner. His parents have already offered to pay for that, but mine have said nothing to me about contributing in any way. Our budget is roughly $7,000 and it is very stressful. It's hard to plan a wedding for less than $10,000. So, I do not suggest telling your mom you don't want the money because that will make things so much harder. At the same time though, you might want to let her know that you are smart, mature, and fully capable of making choices about your wedding. While you value her opinions and want her to take part in the planning, you should not have to have a cake that you do not want to eat or have guests that you don't even know just because she thinks your wedding should be big. In my opinion, a gift is a gift; you should be gracious and allow her to assist you in the planning, but set boundaries and make it clear that this is your day.

mrose12 · March 2010

Just me but I don't believe in the whole "they're paying they get to chose". They're offering to pay, they don't have to, it's still YOUR wedding. They can chose their guests, voice their opinion but in the end it's YOUR wedding.

Sit her down, explain your wedding, how you want it, what you want, if she starts freaking out telling you you're too young tell her that unfortunately times have changed and this is what you want at your wedding. ask her her opinion and try to compromise on some things. Half angels food cake, half something else. If she wants you

JMU_Bride09 · March 2010

The 10K is really generous of your parents, but if your mom is going to insist on doing it her way, then it may be worth it to say thanks but no thanks and pay for it yourselves. If she's just complaining but still lets you ultimately do what you want, then I would just bite your tongue and deal. Either way though, you are definitely not too young to plan a wedding. I'm 22, just graduated college. At first, some family members thought I was too young to get married, but I know they're wrong lol. Everyone has an opinion. If you're confident with what you are doind and know that it's the best for you and your FI, then go for it

Good luck!

JenPhil6212 · March 2010

FI and I are paying for our own wedding. I also went and got certified in wedding planning before I told anyone we were engaged. I wanted to make sure no one stepped on my toes and I had what I wanted. I get the worst of it from my future sister-in-law. She is very opinionated and I keep telling her that's great do it for YOUR wedding. I would say hire a wedding planner in your area. They will help plan your wedding and it will show your mom you are maturing enough to hire someone to do the planning for you (they really suggest you make the final decision). Good Luck!

cukimerrydoll · March 2010

It's a tough situation, that is very similar to mine. My mom and I have been planning my wedding for about the past seven months, and when we started off, it was very hard and we had a lot of conflicts. She would see things one way, and I would see it another... throw in that FH had things he wanted and needed, and there was a lot of conflict. And of coarse, she would say that she has been to more weddings, so her opinion matters more.

My first question for you to think about is whether or not there is another person that can help mediate the situation. I'm really lucky - I have two. My dad basically told my mom to back off and let me take the reigns, and my sister calls her out if she starts to slip. Having the third party is really helpful.

Another thing you can do is grab some pictures from TK of red weddings so you can maybe give her an idea of what is inspiring you. I have a separate folder with a shortcut on my desktop with tons of pictures. So many people do red weddings!

Probably half the weddings I have been to use this color, but if she still wants more dimension with color, may I suggest orange? It looks great with red, and all you would really need is to add some other maybe darker orange tones in some of the flowers or the touches.

On the cake, can I suggest a compromise? FH and I also really don't like cake. Angel food cake is delicious, but doesn't hold decorations as well as pound cake (the only difference between angel food cake and pound cake is the base, so it's not a major taste difference). You can also offer two or three flavors to accommodate your guests - and your mom.

Sorry, this got long, it's just all too familiar! I hope everything works out! Good luck!

jamcnprincess16 · March 2010

I did not even know this group existed, I need to get on here more! I am currently a Senior in college, graduating in May and getting married in November 2010.
Believe me when I say, I feel your pain!

My mother almost drove me so crazy that I planned on eloping. Thankfully, after a few heated arguments and me putting my foot down she has come around.

Just because your parents are giving you 10k does not mean that your mother has the right to drive you nuts with all her opinions on how you should do things. If angel food cake is the favorite of you and your FH, then angel food cake it is!

Let your mother know that you are very grateful for her financial assistance, but if the 10k means that you do not get to have the wedding you envisioned, then you will have to decline. I don't know your mom, but I bet if you stopped sharing your wedding ideas with her, she will feel left out and come around after a while ( thankfully, you have quite sometime before the wedding)

Being that you are young, you are going to face tons of opposition from now until you walk down the aisle. But, don't let anyone steal the joy of this moment. Plan your wedding the way that you dreamed of, even if it means you have to piss some people off.

tjcarter87 · March 2010

Believe me, I understand. My mother doesn't SAY I'm to young (I'm 22), she just constantly implies it. She doesn't want me to have the wedding in Nashville, which FI and I decided on before we even got engaged. Everytime we talk, she asks if I'v e changed my mind yet... she even lays guilt trips on me about how I'm costing my family so much money (to attend, FI & I are paying for the wedding). On top of that, she's had both my grandmothers talk to me about how much a DW would put them out. It's not like I'm going to Hawaii or something- nashville is a 5 hour drive. Like others have said, there are days when I want to just elope and be done with it

But back to you: We only get one mother, so try to comprimise. Maybe you could get your angel food on a dessert bar, or maybe you're right, just give the money back and scale down the whole thing.

ks3pink · March 2010

I have never imagined being told I was too young to plan my wedding! i would probably lose it! It is your wedding and like everyone else has pretty much said you need to let your mom know that. My parents are paying for our wedding but I get what I want, my mom has had her wedding now its my turn. Maybe you should try to reason with her that way, this is probably just her last ditch effort to control a huge part of your life. A wedding is very emotional for parents so remember that when you talk to her, she is probably just trying to deal with her daughter graduating college and getting married, its a big deal! GL!

Kuma_chanluvsVonn · March 2010

Don't get discouraged!!! ihave pretty muchthe same issues with my mom.i'm 18 & my fiance & i aren't getting married until i'm 22(he's 19 & ill be 23) but my parents say we're too young. but what they dont realize is if u really truly love your fiance' & know you want to stay with them for the rest of your lives, why does it matter if you're under 25? Also your mom has to realize that ultimately the choice is yours, when it comes to your cake and everything else, as long as it's in your budget. So let her have her opinion & make the final decisions after talking with your fiance'. Relax,& enjoy the fact that you're gonna be with the one you love.

Hope this helps!

Christina

kndealing · March 2010

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm also 21 and will marry next year when I'm 22. My mom has hinted at things like I'm too young or said stuff like "well, if I pay for a dress now, then you're getting married in it no matter what. Even if things dont work out between you" Which, I think, was completely uncalled for seeing as she LOVES my FI and that comment seriously came out of NOWEHRE.

But I took her crap because hey, at least she was paying for something for my wedding. She still let me choose the dress I wanted, but often times made it even more frustraiting of a search because of her small remarks like that. In the end, though, I'm not sure it was worth it. I would have liked to remember dress shopping with my mom saying "Omg, it was so much fun!" But yeah, it's just anoying to think about.

My FI and I have a budget of $10,000 and it looks like about $8,000 of that will be ours to pay. It is really stressful having to squeeze everything into that $10,000 budget range, but the major plus is that we are having everything WE want. Our motto has become "if you're gonna complain about it, then YOU can pay for it." including inviting extra guests we dont know or dont like.

I do agree that (to an extent) whoever pays has the say, but at the same time, it's YOUR wedding.

I helped plan a wedding for a woman who allowed her mother to have free range of the wedding planning because she wouldnt speak up and stand up for what SHE wanted because her mom threw it in her face that mummy dearest was paying. The bride and groom's style was very heavy metal/skull and crossbones but the wedding ended up being a cliche'd ideal vision of the mother of the bride. I felt really bad for the bride because it wasnt HER wedding anymore. She didnt even know most of the guests there! A few months later at her baby shower (which was a Rocker Baby Theme) she mentioned how she loved that the shower was to their style and wished her wedding would have been like that. =*(

I would hate for you to regret the way your wedding day turned out because you sacrificed what you wanted in order to have your mother pay for your wedding. Do you want to look back on your wedding day and have to say "I wish we could have done this...i wish we could have done that..."?

I would first start by having a talk with her about her demeanor. It sounds like she's going through the "my baby is growing up" thing, but there is still no reason why she should be harassing you about your age and how you "dont know how to do these things". Age is just a number. The fact that you are waiting until AFTER you graduated shows the maturity level you are on. There is a difference between "being 21" and ACTING 21. And you seem to just BE 21, with more wisdom and life experience than the typical 21 year old. You're already a PR Manager. Seriously? Your mom needs to put her big girl panties on and let you be the adult you are.

Is your mom putting the money down as "all or nothing"? Would you be able to compromise with her a bit on things, such as the catering menu, but take care of the things that mean a lot to you like the Angel Food cake? There is no reason for you to gag on your own wedding cake.

Remember: the only "right" way to do a wedding is to do what you and your FI want. Good luck, Shug!

julile · March 2010

Reading this, I kind of wish I had your parents...
My mom tells me all the time that I am too young (even though my parents were the same age and have been married for almost 30 years), puts down almost everything I pick out and hasn't contributed to the wedding other then putting it down or telling me what I need to do still with the planning. According to my mother, I have to many bridesmaids, an ugly cake, and "inconvenient" location (which is 1 1/2 drive from my home town) along with many other sighs and groans she has given me when I have tried to ask her for advise or include her.My fiancé's parents are wonderful, taking us to get engagement photos as soon as they found out, helping me with questions and even putting out engagement announcement in the newspaper when my parents didn't.We have been together for 3 years, and friends for 2 years before that, but since he is in the military and we weren't physically together, she says we have been together for a very short amount of time. The whole 6 month deployment that we had to endure apparently doesn't even count according to her...I am 21 years old, in my junior year of college, planning a wedding while being a full time student and soon will have an internship, but apparently I am to immature and young to get married.

berrda04 · March 2010

my parents are helping us out with our wedding too, but she isn't dictating what I do with my wedding... The only thing she pushed for was a certain caterer bc it would be like $2000 cheaper than another one we were looking at.. which you cut corners where you can. Your mom needs to be put in her place. if she doesn't like it.. i would say do it on your own.. or threaten elopement without her there. Might get her to change her mind if one of her "babies" is at the point where she doesn't want her involved anymore.. has she always been dictative to your life? could be that she's done it all your life and now its getting annoying to you...

kkaimala · March 2010

I don't really know how to deal with your situation. My mom doesn't think I'm too young, but she is very negative about the planning. I do, however, have a small suggestion about the cake. Maybe to pacify your mom, you could do a "normal" wedding cake and have the angel food cake as the groom's cake? or vice versa? Sorry to hear about your troubles. Good luck!

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