What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?

DelBride2012 · April 2012

Don't want to give too many details, but... if they've been, uh, dating a long time, and you know the friend will want this person as their plus one... put both names on the envelope? Say no because it's a bad omen? What would you do?

whitsy · April 2012

I don't think you can really dictate who she brings, regardless of whether this person is married or not (maybe the spouse knows?). Your friend should be allowed to bring their SO.

Bkseller13 · April 2012

I think you should invite the SO's spouse too.

Frankly, I wouldn't consider inviting the SO in this case if they have a spouse. But, that's just me.

redheadfsu · April 2012

Is the relationship out in the open (does everyone know they are dating)? Is he/she still living with their wife/husband?

If the above is yes & then no, you need to invite them. Many people are separated for decades and never file for divorce (too expensive, don't want to rock the boat, etc).

DelBride2012 · April 2012

No, the spouse does not know, and we don't know the spouse.

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2012

What does a bad omen have to do with it? It has nothing to do with a bad omen but everything to do with having an affair. Personally, I would use "and guest" and leave it at that because while it is a relationship, the SO is married to someone else.

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-you-do-if-your-friends-so-is-married-to-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d46ec828-edb1-4ca0-a886-32d2020dfa32Post:5495e28a-4c6e-4cbc-9e26-6d38a0aa1912">Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]No, the spouse does not know, and we don't know the spouse.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

So your friend is openly dating a married person and the spouse is still in the dark or they are sneaking around? If they're sneaking, won't coming to a wedding together kind of let the cat out of the bag? Are you all in the same town?

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-you-do-if-your-friends-so-is-married-to-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d46ec828-edb1-4ca0-a886-32d2020dfa32Post:0cc55f1b-d740-443b-8773-e7d49d44a0e2">Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else? : So your friend is openly dating a married person and the spouse is still in the dark or they are sneaking around? If they're sneaking, won't coming to a wedding together kind of let the cat out of the bag? <strong>Are you all in the same town?</strong>
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
Nope.

whitsy · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-you-do-if-your-friends-so-is-married-to-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d46ec828-edb1-4ca0-a886-32d2020dfa32Post:5495e28a-4c6e-4cbc-9e26-6d38a0aa1912">Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]No, the spouse does not know, and we don't know the spouse.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm confused. If the spouse doesn't know, then why would they risk bringing their married SO to a wedding?</div>

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2012

Well in such a digital age, someone's bound to tag some wedding pics with them together on FB or something and spouse will find out.

Clarifying that I meant that they're stupid if they come to the wedding together because the chances are pretty good that they'll end up in pics. I agree with the others that it's totally on them if they get caught.

whitsy · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-you-do-if-your-friends-so-is-married-to-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d46ec828-edb1-4ca0-a886-32d2020dfa32Post:f0ca53c1-b5d1-42ac-b4bb-a10c88dee692">Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else? : Nope.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh ok. I replied before I saw this.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know, I get the squickiness of not inviting the friend's SO because they're married to someone else. But I'd still be inclined to invite them, especially if it was a good friend.</div><div>
</div><div>But at the same time, I'd have a hard time maintaining a friendship with someone who was doing something like this.</div><div>
</div><div>Gah. I just don't know. Not helpful, party of me.</div>

redheadfsu · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-you-do-if-your-friends-so-is-married-to-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d46ec828-edb1-4ca0-a886-32d2020dfa32Post:5495e28a-4c6e-4cbc-9e26-6d38a0aa1912">Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]No, the spouse does not know, and we don't know the spouse.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

Then I doubt he would attend as his wife could find out that he was cheating (as they would be in pictures together that could get back to the wife). Use that as the reason, that you wouldn't want to be involved in the possibility of the wife finding out about their relationship.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-you-do-if-your-friends-so-is-married-to-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d46ec828-edb1-4ca0-a886-32d2020dfa32Post:fd1ed38e-2413-4f62-9ada-c2de91aaf477">Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well in such a digital age, someone's bound to tag some wedding pics with them together on FB or something and spouse will find out.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
This is an excellent point.

specialk84 · April 2012

We did not invite MIL's married partner. He and his wife still live together and still present themselves as a married couple.

I believe Lynda did the opposite with her MIL.

mkrupar · April 2012

And they say homosexuals ruin the sanctity of marriage. Pshaw. I wouldn't invite the SO. I would invite her with a guest like a single person. Although I'll ditto pp in that I don't know that I could maintain a friendship with someone who does that. Is that bad? Probably, just how I feel.

Kate61487 · April 2012

We didn't invite MILs married SO either. But they don't openly date, it's just sort of something that everyone in the immediate family is aware of and doesn't talk about.

I'd invite her "and guest" If he's dense enough to risk going out in public where there are bound to be lots of cameras with his mistress it's not your problem to worry about his marriage.

If you're coming from the perspective of "this day's about the sanctity of marriage, I won't have someone who's blatantly disregarding that as a guest" then I'd say sorry, but you'll probably, even if unknowingly, have at least one cheater in your midst. Having a cheater present doesn't lessen the commitment you're making.

egm900 · April 2012

I would put "and guest" on the friend's invite. Someone else behaving poorly isn't a bad omen for your wedding, for all you know, one of the married couples is having a similar affair. I also doubt the SO will make an appearance thanks to everyone having a camera and the digital age, and if they do show, they're either not very bright or want to get caught...it's really not going to have an effect on you though.

pattib5 · April 2012

Leave it up to your friend as to who she brings. Just put "and guest" on her invite. If you need names for your escort/place cards, find out closer to the wedding who her date is.

It's not your job to be her morality police and/or worry about her husband finding out.

This entire scenario is on her, not you.

lyndausvi · April 2012

My MIL has dated her BF for 20 something years. He is married. I still invited him, as he has been to a ton of family functions.

It was strange, but not something I was going to make a big deal over.

ETA - DH's family LOVES her BF. He has attended a lot of events in the past. I was not going to be the one who casts judgement on the situation.

ootmother2 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-you-do-if-your-friends-so-is-married-to-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d46ec828-edb1-4ca0-a886-32d2020dfa32Post:7aff97e2-0d22-4129-b49c-b87fcf668c82">Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]My MIL has dated her BF for 20 something years. He is married. I still invited him, as he has been to a ton of family functions. It was strange, but not something I was going to make a big deal over. ETA - DH's family LOVES her BF. He has attended a lot of events in the past. I was not going to be the one who casts judgement on the situation.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I would just invite your friend with guest and let her make the decision. There could be a lot here that you all don't know.

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

I'm in agreement with those who are suggesting you simply invite the friend "and guest" and let her make her own choice about who to bring. Having a married guy at your wedding with his mistress isn't going to put some kind of voodoo curse on your marriage.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

Yeah, another vote for "and guest". I also wouldn't consider him to be her SO if he's married to someone else that does not know about the relationship - I'd consider him her FWB.

I'll go ahead and say that I'd still be friends with her. I certainly don't approve of sneaking around or anything, but if that was her only "flaw" then I think I could get past it (unless it was my guy, of course ; p). I probably would always pointedly change the subject if she brought him up though.

banana468 · April 2012

Unless this is like Lynda's situation I would either 'and guest' her or just invite her alone.

The SO in that relationship is the person's spouse. I'd have a hard time listening to any argument about 'respecting the relationship' from someone knowingly dating someone who is married.

mbody · April 2012

Just put 'and guest' on your friend's invite and leave it up to her to decide who to bring. If she asks the married guy and he accepts, fine. It's not going to have an effect on your marriage what-so-ever. And if his wife finds out b/c someone talks, pics on fb, ect. then it's on them. Don't even worry about that.

EmilyW416 · April 2012

I agree and guest, Its there mess not yours.

aynos77 · April 2012

I hate cheaters, so I would probably send the invite to her and him at HIS house so the wife sees it, OR invite them and Post a million pic of them on FB so they get caught... ((wishful thinking anyways)

I would in all seriousness just invite her and guest so it is out of your hands and the rest is up to them.

stephsky419 · April 2012

Her +guest is my vote too. Takes any pressure off you, as it is completely their decision, not you intentionally enabling. It can't fall on your shoulders that way.

WildMagelet · April 2012

Ditto "and guest." Since he's still presenting himself publicly as married I would consider the wife his SO, not your friend.

What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?

Re: What do you do if your friend's SO is married to someone else?

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