Gay Weddings

Gay Man of Honor and very religious family... Help!

I'm not sure how to handle this situation.

My best friend is gay and will be my Man of Honor (instead of having a Maid OH).  My fiance is ok with this (they are very good friends), and everyone within our wedding party is ok with this.  That being said, my Mother's side is very devout Pentecostal and very against homosexuality. While my Mother has no problem with it, my Aunt and her 14 year old son are very outspoken about it, as are my maternal grandparents.  I am not sure how to deal with this situation as my Man of Honor has never experienced negativity about being gay. I'm aboslutely terrified that the first time he does will be at my wedding, from my family. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.
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Re: Gay Man of Honor and very religious family... Help!

  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.  I'm wondering what will happen if you mention it to your mom's family and what will happen if you don't.

    If you mention it you may run a chance of people refusing to attend.  To that I always say call their bluff.

    If you don't mention it, do you run the risk of people insulting your friend at your wedding and making a scene?

    Can you discuss this with your mom and decide the best coarse of action?  My one unmarried DD has a years long BFF who is a gay man.  If she were to have him in wedding party I would come unglued if anyone were rude to him because he was gay.

    For me I would have to make sure my family knew the scoop so I could protect my friend from a scene at the wedding.  I would take the chance they might not come - it would be their loss.

    What do you feel would happen if you brought this up in conversation with your mom's family?  You shouldn't have to advertise that your Man of Honor is gay anymore than you should have to inform them that your BM is heterosexual, but you should make sure he doesn't have to deal with a bunch of crap.
  • StevikWAStevikWA member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    This is your day - not theirs. They are guests and they should behave as such. If they are not mature enough to behave as polite guests should, then maybe they should not attend? Just my 2-cents.

  • 2dBride2dBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    First off, are the homophobic family members even going to know he is gay?  It's not necessarily something obvious, unless he is bringing his boyfriend.

    Second, even most homophobic people will not make nasty comments to someone gay at a big public function like a wedding.

    Third, are you sure your Man of Honor has never faced negative comments about his orientation?  Even if he has not faced them personally, he is surely aware that there are homophobic people out there.  If the homophobic ones are people you feel obligated to invite, and you tell him about them in advance, I'm sure he can figure out a way to avoid or ignore them.
  • edited December 2011
    Its your wedding. If my man of honor was gay and he was also my bestfriend, I would stick by him through thick and thin. I wouldnt care what the others thought of him becuase it would be your wedding and they can leave if they have a problem with it.
    LOVE IS SWEET!
  • edited December 2011
    My MOH was my best friend since we were kids who is a lesbian. My husband's family is very religious (Dad's a preacher EEK!) and very outspoken and I didn't say a word about it.  Mostly because it never occurred to me to tell them.  To me she is just my best friend and I don't even think about her sexuality.  Well, his mom overheard her telling a story about an ex-girlfriend during the reception and proceeded to say something to me about it, but never to her.  The thing about people who hate others is that most of the time they're fearful.  The hate comes from fear of what they don't understand, but that same fear tends to keep them from being hateful to people's faces as well.  My mother-in-law still makes snide comments to me about having a lesbian for my maid of honor, but I just let it roll off my back.  I wouldn't have had anyone else by my side that day!  I'm on this site now because I will be the MOH at her wedding in April and I'm looking for ideas and I'm so exited to be able to help her with her wedding like she helped me with mine! 
    All in all... here's my advice.  I wouldn't say a word about it, but be ready to defend your decision if the need should arise.  If those people decided to make a stink at your wedding just ask them to leave.  Politely thank them for coming and just point out that it is your day and that you are honored to have your best friend by your side because he is willing to be there for you no matter what (which apparently they aren't).  As for your friend though... he has to be prepared that there maybe opposition and he can't let it get to him.  People who criticize are just scared of what they don't understand and he can't let their opinion get to him.
    I wish you all the luck and I know that you will have a beautiful day!
  • edited December 2011
    GAY IS  NOT THE WAY.......
  • RaptorSLHRaptorSLH member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    beastly - 
    Of course not.  My FI is the way.  But since I'm not sharing him, it's not fair to fault people for making do with the best they can find instead.  Tongue out


    kai - 
    If they don't have the backing of the rest of the guests, the potential problem guests may not have the courage to speak up.  Particularly if the hosts back you.  I'd enlist my parents for support, even if it's only of the "a wedding is not the place to cause a scene" variety.  Several members of my family were vehemently opposed to my cousin's black boyfriend at Thanksgiving dinner.  When Mom as hostess made it clear she wasn't backing down, they played nice for the evening.  Hopefully yours will, too.  Depending on your relationship, I might also talk to your MOH, especially if he's bringing a date.  Let him know that their opinion in no way reflects upon your support and friendship.  I don't think I'd tell the aunt, cousin, or grandparents, though.  If they figure it out, you'll have your mom ready to run interference, and your MOH mentally prepared to turn the other cheek and return to your more pleasant company.  If they don't, there's no reason to provoke a response by telling them. 

    It's a tough situation. Good luck!
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  • Grits8812Grits8812 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i would let the family know your plans in a very simple manner, and if they have a problem with it, it can be their choice not to show up. hopefully seeing their family member get married is more important than being upset about a friend 
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_gay-man-of-honor-very-religious-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:44Discussion:575c15a3-4a84-4370-ac31-c21ba73e97dcPost:e371fd4a-20b3-4822-a4d0-ef68fa223520">Re: Gay Man of Honor and very religious family... Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]i would let the family know your plans in a very simple manner, and if they have a problem with it, it can be their choice not to show up. hopefully seeing their family member get married is more important than being upset about a friend 
    Posted by Grits8812[/QUOTE]

    This would be my advice.  Do your aunt and g'ma know he is gay?  If so, I would speak to them and let them know that you understand their feelings (doesn't mean you agree with them) but you will not have your BFF treated in any manner but respectfully. 

    As Christians our job is supposed to be showing the love of Christ and that means respecting people even if you don't agree with something they do.  Can you give them that gentle reminder?
  • NeedFavorsNeedFavors member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maybe I am missing something. I would talk to your friend and explain your mother's views and apologize in advance for anything they may say. I think that your friend should know what he is potentially in for and should make a decision as to whether he can deal with it.

    I went to 20th HS reunion last year with my gay friend (I am a straight woman) and was completely appalled at what some of my classmates were saying to him. (They didn't intentionally say anything rude, but their views were coming out regardless.) My friend took these comments much better than I did, I had to walk away. He told me that this is normal and he deals with it all the time.
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