Getting FI to help out more around the house

doeie04 · July 2011

I am having huge issues getting him to help clean. This is the only thing we argue about and it is dumb.

I know you guys will tell me if I am being unreasonable. That is why I posted here. I also would love your advice on how to work this out. He really is a nice guy, and I know other people have much bigger problems to work out with their partners. This isn't just about chores, it also leads into us having kids and I am not going to do that by myself.

Background:
~ Growing up, his mother did all the cleaning. She mostly staid home, but even when she was working, she cleaned and cooked. Their marriage wasn't going that well, but is much better now. His dad helps clean the house now.

~ He is very stubborn. He won't do anything if he feels he is being forced to do it.

~ I wrote out all the chores that I did and that needed to be done around the house and he picked his half of them. He will let the garbage pile up and get smelly before he takes it out. (He gets mad if I set it on the porch outside.) He will not do his part in a timely manner and when he finally does it, he doesn't finish it all the way.

~ I have tried asking him nicely, not saying anything and nagging. It doesn't work. The only way he gets it done is if I get tired of it and get mad. I hate that he turns me into my mother, who naggs all the time! I feel like HIS mother, cleaning all the time.

~ About 2 years ago now, I used to thank him for what he did do. (Thanks for vacuuming, next time could you do the corners too?) But now I don't thank him at all unless he actually finishes something, which I dont think he ever has. haha.

Yes. I know nagging is bad. I hate to do it. I grew up with it and it annoys me. I don't like feeling like his mother.

I don't have high expectaions or demand that he does it my way. I just want it done. My dream is for him to do it when it needs done, and I don't have to worry about it. When he sees something that needs done, do it.

Sorry this is so long. I wanted you guys to have a clearer picture.

Thanks for any help you might have. Be gentle.

Fawn

KatyRoseM · July 2011

Have you talked to him about how you feel your doing all the work? Did you do this in a non accusatory way? (I feel statements, not you statements?) Also, does he objectively not do his chores, or is it more that he doesn't do them to your standard? If he objectively doesn't do them can you two come to an agreement about how often they need to be done?

I know this wasn't that helpful, but its what I could come up with, sorry.

TheDuckis · July 2011

Star chart? Honestly, my feeling on nagging is that if you do sht when you're supposed to, I don't have to nag you about it. You need more than a chore list, you need a schedule. Trash goes out every Wednesday and Sunday and immediately after any party/event where garbage may fill up faster. Living room gets vacuumed every Sunday morning, and on the first Sunday of every month you move the furniture and make sure the whole floor is clean. Then he knows the expectations, and if you have to remind him to do something he knows it's on him.

doeie04 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_getting-fi-out-around-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d6d744d3-0918-4838-9573-6b519dd9d19aPost:6a5ee199-5cef-4584-9ff7-6e1c0c6da292">Re: Getting FI to help out more around the house</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you talked to him about how you feel your doing all the work? Did you do this in a non accusatory way? (I feel statements, not you statements?) Also, does he objectively not do his chores, or is it more that he doesn't do them to your standard? If he objectively doesn't do them can you two come to an agreement about how often they need to be done? I know this wasn't that helpful, but its what I could come up with, sorry.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

We have had multiple discussions. I hate to argue, so we usually talk it out. A couple days ago we had a huge discussion. He promised to be more on top of his stuff, and I promised to not nag so much. The thing is, I can't do some of my chores, if he doesn't do his. How can I clean up the kitchen if the trash is overflowing and there is no room?

I don't have high standards or expect him to do it like I would. I just want him to finish a chore. Like putting the dishes away, he will leave some out. He is supposed to vacuum the house (we have hardwoods) and he has only been doing the area rug in the living room. WTF?! I know he knows how to do it properly, and that is what annoys me. I feel like he is doing it so I will give in. But he knows I won't. He is just being lazy and stubborn.

And yes, you were helpful! Thank you! ;)

doeie04 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_getting-fi-out-around-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d6d744d3-0918-4838-9573-6b519dd9d19aPost:9ae76d24-e900-4b59-bc8c-21362a7760a6">Re: Getting FI to help out more around the house</a>:
[QUOTE]Star chart? <strong>Honestly, my feeling on nagging is that if you do sht when you're supposed to, I don't have to nag you about it.</strong> You need more than a chore list, you need a schedule. Trash goes out every Wednesday and Sunday and immediately after any party/event where garbage may fill up faster. Living room gets vacuumed every Sunday morning, and on the first Sunday of every month you move the furniture and make sure the whole floor is clean. Then he knows the expectations, and if you have to remind him to do something he knows it's on him.
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

I feel the same way! If it was done, I wound't have to remind you!!

He has decided that he is going to do a little bit each work day, so he has his weekends free. (Wonder where he got that brilliant idea...<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />) I am hoping he comes up with a schedule by himself. If I do it, he will get stubborn and we won't get anywhere.

If it gets bad again, I am going to freak out. It is disrespectful to expect me to do it. And when I spend hours cleaning the house he doesn't seem to appreciate it. (Yes, I have told him this.)

KatyRoseM · July 2011

In that case I agree with the schedule idea. Also saying thank you when he does it right (if he does) goes a long way. I would also continue to try to explain how it makes you feel when he doesn't do his. DH doesn't do much around the house, so I explained to him that I felt bad about how much I was doing and was starting to resent doing the dishes while he played video games. He started helping me with the dishes because it wasn't about dishes (which he didn't care about) it was about my feelings.

doeie04 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_getting-fi-out-around-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d6d744d3-0918-4838-9573-6b519dd9d19aPost:2456585c-32e9-4506-8601-8f576ec3caad">Re: Getting FI to help out more around the house</a>:
[QUOTE]In that case I agree with the schedule idea. Also saying thank you when he does it right (if he does) goes a long way. I would also continue to try to explain how it makes you feel when he doesn't do his. DH doesn't do much around the house, so I explained to him that I felt bad about how much I was doing and was starting to resent doing the dishes while he played video games. He started helping me with the dishes because it wasn't about dishes (which he didn't care about) it was about my feelings.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

Video games... that sounds familiar! I think once they understand that we aren't wanting them to help because we are trying to see what we can make them do. We actually need their help and we know they are smart enough to vacuum a floor. They are just doing it to be lazy. (which he admitted, actually.)

KatyRoseM · July 2011

Its good he admitted he was being lazy. Basically yes, you have to make it clear its not about control, its not about the chores, its about something beyond that. At least for DH that was really helpful. His mom was really controlling and he hates being told what to do, but if I'm asking him for a reason, well that works for him.

redheadtmk · July 2011

My grandma used to tell us a story about how thier washer broke and my grandpa ignored her pleas for a new one. So instead of nagging she just stopped doing his laundry. Until one day he came in from the farm and realized he had no clean clothes. He looked at my grandma and said lets go to sears and he bought a new washer that day.

What I learned from this is that sometimes saying nothing is the better way to get things done. I am a clean freak so it kills me when I have to stop doing chores to get my BF or roommate to start doing thier share. But when every dish in the house is dirty except the one bowl/plate I wash and hide for myself, they get the picture. I have also stopped spending time at home or with my SO. I just tell him that I am not his mother, I am not going to nag and beg for him to be a responsible, mature grown up who can handle his half the chores, but if he chooses not to do them then I choose to spend more of my free time in a cleaner, more healthy environment. Also that a messy house, and lazy partner are a real turn off. That usually works too. Whatever you do, I would make sure he gets the picture and shapes up before you marry him. Like you said you will have kids some day and whatever habits you let him get away with before you get married are going to be there after you get married.

doeie04 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_getting-fi-out-around-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d6d744d3-0918-4838-9573-6b519dd9d19aPost:fc0af0ed-7e89-4d33-97b6-50407092cebc">Re: Getting FI to help out more around the house</a>:
[QUOTE]My grandma used to tell us a story about how thier washer broke and my grandpa ignored her pleas for a new one. So instead of nagging she just stopped doing his laundry. Until one day he came in from the farm and realized he had no clean clothes. He looked at my grandma and said lets go to sears and he bought a new washer that day. What I learned from this is that sometimes saying nothing is the better way to get things done. I am a clean freak so it kills me when <strong>I have to stop doing chores t</strong>o get my BF or roommate to start doing thier share. But when every dish in the house is dirty except the one bowl/plate I wash and hide for myself, they get the picture. I have also stopped spending time at home or with my SO. I just tell him that I am not his mother, I am not going to nag and beg for him to be a responsible, mature grown up who can handle his half the chores, but if he chooses not to do them then I choose to spend more of my free time in a cleaner, more healthy environment. Also that a messy house, and lazy partner are a real turn off. That usually works too. Whatever you do, I would make sure he gets the picture and shapes up before you marry him. Like you said you will have kids some day and whatever habits you let him get away with before you get married are going to be there after you get married.
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

I tried that with the dishes. I ended up doing them two weeks later because our house stunk really bad! :( He was being stubborn and wouldn't do them.

doeie04 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_getting-fi-out-around-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d6d744d3-0918-4838-9573-6b519dd9d19aPost:5a7e9030-bd7f-4b45-aee1-92bc30cdf5fa">Re: Getting FI to help out more around the house</a>:
[QUOTE]Its good he admitted he was being lazy. Basically yes, you have to make it clear its not about control, its not about the chores, its about something beyond that. At least for DH that was really helpful. His mom was really controlling and he hates being told what to do, but if I'm asking him for a reason, well that works for him.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

I am hoping this last discussion we had will stick. We talked about a lot of stuff Wednesday night. So far it has been better, but it has only been a few days. He still forgets to do stuff, but I ask him nicely and he does it kind of promptly. Not the best start, but better than it has been the last month. Thanks for your help, Katy, you are awesome. :)

jessiegirl61610 · July 2011

My FI and I hardly ever fight, but when we do, it's about his lack of doing chores! I always do them, and then I get to the point where I"m at my wit's end and I tell him how frustrated I am that he never does them. He says that he'll try to be more on top of it, but he wasn't. He claimed he had no problem doing chores, he just isn't motivated to begin them. HOwever, now I figured out a solution and he does them! Instead of just hoping he'll change and then be disappointed when he doesn't do anything, I'll just ask him nicely to specifically to do what I need to get done. I'll just go up to him casually (as if I'm not irritated) and say "Hey do you think you can do the laundry right now? " and he'll say sure and do it. I've found it works effectively if you just tell them specifically what chore you want them to do andwhen you want them to do it without nagging

zitiqueen · July 2011

Where's Kuus when you need her?

mandi921vh · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_getting-fi-out-around-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d6d744d3-0918-4838-9573-6b519dd9d19aPost:9ae76d24-e900-4b59-bc8c-21362a7760a6">Re: Getting FI to help out more around the house</a>:
[QUOTE]Star chart? <strong>Honestly, my feeling on nagging is that if you do sht when you're supposed to, I don't have to nag you about it. </strong> You need more than a chore list, you need a schedule. Trash goes out every Wednesday and Sunday and immediately after any party/event where garbage may fill up faster. Living room gets vacuumed every Sunday morning, and on the first Sunday of every month you move the furniture and make sure the whole floor is clean. Then he knows the expectations, and if you have to remind him to do something he knows it's on him.
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

<div>I love this!</div>

subi***1 · July 2011

Sometimes u just cant play nice cop for so long. I am a neat freak b/c of my mother and living on my own. I have learned to ask nicely or otherwise I clean angry while slamming and sometimes breaking dishes, pointing out what needed to be done to the max! Still training him though he is a tiny bit getting better... I feel ya.

Getting FI to help out more around the house

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