Psycho Groomsman!

laciepsychologist · October 2010

I know this isn't on the topic of moms or maids, but I have a question on what you would do in this situation.

My fiance asked 4 guys to be in the wedding. Since then, one of the groomsmen has been nothing but unsupportive and downright insulting. My fiance's sister is on the larger side and she acknowledges this. However, in a local tavern, one evening, they ran into each other (they are walking down the aisle together) and he stated that he might as well tie a cowbell around her neck while she moo's down the aisle. She easily laughed it off saying, "yeah, I'm fat, so what, I'm happy!" (GOOD GOING GIRLY!), but I have been just taken back by this and so was her brother. We're not sure how to go about any of it.

I don't even want to look at him or hang out with him, but he is a good friend of my fiance's, so should I push to take him out of the wedding or let him decide? It will create uneven sides, but I am fine with that. I think if was to show up for the wedding, it would be a smack in the face to see my future sis-in-law strutting down that aisle without him

I think this was VERY inappropriate. We haven't really hung out with him since we have our own things going on in the past few months.

Do you think it would be wrong for my fiance to nix his friend from the wedding party? What do you think is the best way to go about this? I don't think saving the friendship would even happen if he was to be booted out.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

I would keep him in the wedding but make him walk with someone else. FSIL may have laughed it off when it happened, but you don't want her distracted or upset thinking about it that day if she is walking with him. On the contrary, talk to her. If she really is OK with him and what he said, you should let it go too. Then, make them still walk together because obviously he has a problem with overweight women, and making him walk with her would be uncomfortable for him, and that's what he deserves.

zitiqueen · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_psycho-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2373cd48-6589-4dc9-be72-928a65fd69e9Post:7fbf2e28-8702-4746-bb35-98e67e1d7252">Psycho Groomsman!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know this isn't on the topic of moms or maids, but I have a question on what you would do in this situation. My fiance asked 4 guys to be in the wedding. Since then, one of the groomsmen has been nothing but unsupportive and downright insulting. My fiance's sister is on the larger side and she acknowledges this. However, in a local tavern, one evening, they ran into each other (they are walking down the aisle together) and he stated that he might as well tie a cowbell around her neck while she moo's down the aisle. She easily laughed it off saying, "yeah, I'm fat, so what, I'm happy!" (GOOD GOING GIRLY!), but I have been just taken back by this and so was her brother. We're not sure how to go about any of it. I don't even want to look at him or hang out with him, but he is a good friend of my fiance's, so should I push to take him out of the wedding or let him decide? It will create uneven sides, but I am fine with that. I think if was to show up for the wedding, it would be a smack in the face to see my future sis-in-law strutting down that aisle without him :) I think this was VERY inappropriate. We haven't really hung out with him since we have our own things going on in the past few months. <strong> Do you think it would be wrong for my fiance to nix his friend from the wedding party?</strong> What do you think is the best way to go about this? I don't think saving the friendship would even happen if he was to be booted out.
Posted by laciepsychologist[/QUOTE]

That sentence I bolded? It's not your decision to make. It's completely up to your FI. Who, by the way, has crappy taste in friends. That's what should be worrying you. I find it hard to believe this is the first time this guy has been a douche, unless he recently suffered some sort of severe head injury.

AutumnFair · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_psycho-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2373cd48-6589-4dc9-be72-928a65fd69e9Post:7fbf2e28-8702-4746-bb35-98e67e1d7252">Psycho Groomsman!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know this isn't on the topic of moms or maids, but I have a question on what you would do in this situation. My fiance asked 4 guys to be in the wedding. Since then, one of the groomsmen has been nothing but unsupportive and downright insulting. My fiance's sister is on the larger side and she acknowledges this. However, in a local tavern, one evening, they ran into each other (they are walking down the aisle together) and he stated that he might as well tie a cowbell around her neck while she moo's down the aisle. She easily laughed it off saying, "yeah, I'm fat, so what, I'm happy!" (GOOD GOING GIRLY!), but I have been just taken back by this and so was her brother. We're not sure how to go about any of it. I don't even want to look at him or hang out with him, but he is a good friend of my fiance's, so should I push to take him out of the wedding or let him decide? It will create uneven sides, but I am fine with that. I think if was to show up for the wedding, it would be a smack in the face to see my future sis-in-law strutting down that aisle without him :) I think this was VERY inappropriate. We haven't really hung out with him since we have our own things going on in the past few months. Do you think it would be wrong for my fiance to nix his friend from the wedding party? What do you think is the best way to go about this? I don't think saving the friendship would even happen if he was to be booted out.
Posted by laciepsychologist[/QUOTE]

<div>Your FSIL must be a saint because I would have knock the guy's block off (I'm actually surprised your FI didn't).</div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, this is your FI's call not yours. You need to stay WAY out of it. If your FI feels like he wants to end the friendship because of what this guy said to his sister then he can and he can tell him (since they guy is an idiot) that he is no longer welcome to the wedding. If I was your FI, I would confront the guy and call him out of his actions in hopes to get an apology to his sister and clear the air of this situation. But yeah, you definitely need to stay out of it since its <strong>his</strong> side of the WP, <strong>his</strong> friend, and <strong>his </strong>sister. Also if your FI wants to keep him I would (if possible) change the line up and have your FSIL be walked by someone else.</div>

laciepsychologist · October 2010

zitiqueen - no, this is not the first time he has been a douche! It happens everytime he drinks or has someone he knows getting married because all of his marriages have gone down hill because of him. He does have problems with larger women (his perfect women is at least 5'9", fake blond, and fake boobs with good proportions). He's a PIG!

AutumnFair - we weren't there when it was said. His sister told us a couple weeks later. Confronting him will be pointless, he blows off everything and blames other people. He has been a friend of my FI for 5 years and he doesn't want to lose the friendship over this; however, because of a lot of drama that he causes amongst ALL of our friends, we have mostly alienated ourselves away from him, but my FI still considers him one of his friends, but not so much anymore.

I'm posting this for both of us because he's not really sure what to do either. I wouldn't be the one doing it anyways. I told him it is completely up to him on what he wants to do and he has do what he wants to do.

Thanks for the advice!

nannewmur · October 2010

As PP said, this is your FI's decision but I was always taught verbal abuse should never be tolerated.

SSaltzman87 · October 2010

I too agree that your FSIL was a saint for not decking the guy! If it were me, I would've slapped him.

Anyway, I wouldn't blame your FI for booting this guy out. This is one of the VERY few situations where it would be ok to do so. He insulted FSIL and doesn't seem the type to man up and realize he made a mistake.

Although, I do agree with schlagetermari 's idea of making him walk with her to give him a taste of his own medicine :-)

heyimbren · October 2010

It's your Fi's call not yours. It's his friend.

But remember this, OP: kicking him out of the WP is a friendship ending move. So is your FI ready to stop being friends with him? That's the question HE (not you) needs to answer. So if FI decides he never wants to be friends with this guy again, then he should end the friendship instead of just booting him out. It's a friendship issue, not a wedding issue.

I agree though, good going on FSIL's part.

AutumnFair · October 2010

I think your FI needs to look down really deep if he wants to be friends with this guy. You mention that you both have started alienating him. Does he hang out with him often (just the two)? If he doesn't I think your FI needs to decide is this guy's troubles worth being his friend. I think if your FI brings up what he said to his sister to him, whatever the guys reactions might be the tipping point of whether your FI wants to remain friends with the guy. The guy sounds toxic and I know your FI is having a hard time cutting the ties but he either has to do it or clear things up and repatch the friendship.

tlbattaglia · October 2010

My FI just had to boot a groomsman out of the wedding for a similiar situation. Only it was an attack at me. Stand your ground and don't allow that kind of behavior.

tlbattaglia · October 2010

Also, I don't think the solution is to have this guy walk with someone else. It doens't change the fact that he is rude.

I believe she also asked what her FI should do. So to flame her and say that it's not her decision is pointless. She knows it's her FI's decision. To me, she has made that clear at least twice.

zitiqueen · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_psycho-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2373cd48-6589-4dc9-be72-928a65fd69e9Post:cf01a769-3e47-4745-b59d-bf03de7f9306">Re: Psycho Groomsman!</a>:
[QUOTE]zitiqueen - no, this is not the first time he has been a douche! It happens everytime he drinks or has someone he knows getting married because all of his marriages have gone down hill because of him. He does have problems with larger women (his perfect women is at least 5'9", fake blond, and fake boobs with good proportions). He's a PIG! Posted by laciepsychologist[/QUOTE]

And yet your FI wants to remain friends with this guy. That doesn't say much for your FI. You know the old saying, "We're judged by the company we keep"? That applies here too.

laciepsychologist · October 2010

I wouldn't say he is one of my fiance's good friends anymore. Lke I said, we have alienated ourselves from his toxic presence for the past 4 or 5 months solid. and limited our time around him in the past. AND that includes my fiance by himself with the said party.

He asked him pretty quickly after we got engaged, but the relationship has basically become null and void for both of us with him.

I know it is not my decision and I HAVE LEFT THIS ALL TO MY FIANCE to choose what he wants to do with it. WE are BOTH confused about what to do with it though.

This guy is a very nice guy (when he's not drinking and he is in a relationship) (sad thing is he's almost 40 years old and can't get his poop in a pile and grow up, he thinks he's still 21), but that is few and far between. I know making an excuse for him is not a good thing, but as I said we have both alienated ourselves from his presence. We are building a new home as we speak and he and his "girlfrend" will probably not even be invited to the housewarming party because of the way he starts to act in larger (more than 3) groups.

heyimbren · October 2010

Lacie, the main point is that you can boot him out (because he was very rude) but kicking someone out is friendship-ending.

If you guys have grown apart so much and your FI doesn't want to be friends anymore, then he should just go with that and then this guy won't be a GM anymore either.

graysquirrel · October 2010

In most cases I don't feel that kicking people out is right, and this should be FIs choice for sure (not yours), but I would be all for him booting the guy. He sounds like a real gem and I can't think of anyone who would want that kind of person in their wedding, especially when he insults family members. And if FI loses his friendship, it doesn't really sound like that valuable of a one to me. I'd wring his duchebaggy little neck if he said something like that to my sister.

TheCranberry · October 2010

If one of my friends said that kind of thing to my family member, I wouldn't be friends with them anymore let alone have them in my wedding. The fact that you think he wouldn't apologize or realize he's an ass if your FI confronts him just makes him look even worse. Sure, the sister laughed it off and may not have been offended, but she still shouldn't have to deal with comments like this. And he should NOT walk with her down the aisle, even to teach him a lesson. FSIL is not a prop to be used this way.

CSTK1910 · October 2010

If I were your FI, I would talk to him, tell him what he did was unacceptable, and kind of give him an ultimatum. If he is willing to admit that he is a jerk, apologize, and stop being a jerk, then maybe he can remain a friend/groomsman. If he can't do that, it doesn't sound like it is worth keeping him as either.

BriarRose84 · October 2010

Make him walk by himself wearing the bell! LOL! As a larger woman who has dealt with that crap, that would make my day! But seriously I probably would kick him out but it is really up to your fiance'.

tldh · October 2010

Again, kicking him out would be a friendship ending move, but I have one question. Does you FI stand up for you? I ask because he doesn't seem to stand up for his sister and my brothers would have kicked the ass of any guy, friend or not, who said something insulting about me.

marinabreeze · October 2010

I agree with PPs. It's up to your FI, not you.

However, I would be very concerned if your FI doesn't know what to do about his friend. I don't see how that wouldn't be obvious. How a man treats those close to him (especially the women in his life) speaks volumes about how good of a man he'll be to you after the honeymoon period is over.

Regardless of how FSIL reacted to his verbal abuse, I don't see how FI wouldn't confront him about it, and if he didn't apologize, even associate with him, regardless of when you guys found out about it. For goodness sakes, that's his sister! And if FI can be "unsure" as to what to do if a friend insults his family, it should cast some doubt as to whether he would be man enough to stand up for you (or any progeny you two may have) in the future if and when a situation calls for it.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

I was in a similar situation last year. I was a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding and was walking with her fiance's brother-in-law. We had not met before the wedding and on the night of the rehersal I introduced myself as we all lined up with our walking partners. Upon hearing my name he said "oh, you're the commitmentaphobe!". I was mortified. My boyfriend and I had been together for 2 1/2 years at the time, while the bride and groom were engaged after only 9 months. Of course I had gotten all kinds of questions about when we were going to tie the knot, but I never worried about it. After he said that, I felt as though our decision to wait looked as if we were unsure of our relationship's future. Having never met him before, I felt like maybe my girlfriend was making comments behind my back - how else would he come to that conclusion? It really did make participating a bit uncomfortable for me.

If I were you, I would be sure to let your friend know that you heard about the comment he made to her and that you do not agree with his behavior at all. It is your groom's decision if he wants to keep him in the wedding party or not. Either way, I'm sure your girlfriend would just want to know that you support her and do not agree with his comments.

Soon2BMrsClay · October 2010

What a horrible situation! I agree with everyone else that it is ultimately your FI's decision, however, I would strongly voice my opinions on the matter.

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