Christian Weddings

The Wedding Night

So, it seems as if most of us on this board are "waiting until marriage."  As such, the wedding night carries a big significance, especially for the guys involved, methinks.  However, is anyone even worried about being too exhausted after the wedding to partake in the act?  I'm fearful that if one is too exhausted, it's not going to be a great experience, and the guy is going to end up disappointed that she isn't "into it" on their first night as as married couple.  I know some people wait until the honeymoon, but what if it means a lot of the guy to do it on the wedding night?  Am I the only one worrying about this?  Thoughts?

Re: The Wedding Night

  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've heard from some people that they are really too tired, so they just head to bed and try again in the morning.

    Also, the other side of the coin is that the first time doesn't usually live up to the expectations. For the girl, it can be physically uncomfortable, and for the guy... well he just may not last too long.

    It really depends on the couple, but there isn't any right or wrong way to go about it!

    I can guarantee you that you are not the only one worrying about it either. But try to not let it bother you!
  • edited December 2011
    My husband and I waited.  Nothing happened on our wedding night and he was perfectly understanding.  This was partially because we were tired and partially because I was still nervous!  I'd talked with him before about my particular reservations and he knew not to expect anything--whatever happens, happens.  We took time to become comfortable with each other and, well, figure things out, and we embarked on this, er, adventure without any lofty expectations of the experience.

    I don't think either party should have high expectations of the wedding night.  A friend of mine fell asleep while her new husband was taking bobby pins out of her hair.  And, when both are virgins, I don't think you can expect fireworks the first time, to be honest. 

    The man and woman need to talk about this before that night.  Explain how each is feeling--understand the anticipation on both sides.  A truly caring man will wait another day or two or however long it takes and not be disappointed if his new wife isn't ready after what was probably the most emotional and exhausting day of her life. 

    I understand your concerns.  When you decide to wait, it makes it hard to keep those boundaries.  It often seems like the guy is ready to go, and the girl needs some extra time, and I think that's just normal, the way our bodies are designed. 

    But couples just need to talk and pray about it and whatever happens on your wedding night will work for that couple, even if it's nearly falling asleep in the hot tub before crawling into a warm bed next to your new spouse.. ;)
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  • iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We didn't have any expectations of our wedding night before our wedding.  DH got a nice room with an in-room jacuzzi and when we got back to the hotel, we got the jacuzzi started and decided to just relax.  It was really nice.  We actually did have the energy before we went to sleep to (as you say) partake in the act.  

    Just talk before your wedding about your expectations (or lack of expectations) and I'm sure that your first night as husband and wife will be wonderful.
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  • Bride127Bride127 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for your thoughts so far.  We have discussed it a bit, and I expressed concern about being too tired and nervous.  I'd like to take it more gradually.  My FI is very understanding, and he usually lets me do things my way.  But he seemed really disappointed by the idea.  I'd like to keep him happy, as I got whatever I wanted with every aspect of the wedding, even when my FI wasn't thrilled with some idea.  I'd much rather wait until the morning after the wedding, so I guess I'm secretly hoping he'll be too tired, too, the night before!  The wedding is still a ways off, so maybe when we're closer to the wedding, we can have another conversation and he'll see things a bit differently.

    Btw, thanks for the idea bout the jacuzzi... maybe that'll help me feel better after running around in heels all day at the wedding!
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    PPs have given excellent advice.

    The two of you just need to talk about it and get on the same page. Only when the time comes will you actually have a handle on your energy level.

    We were tired, but weren't that tired.

    Ditto JoesGirl, jacuzzis are a great idea.
  • cutielocks08cutielocks08 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    One of my friends knows a girl whom she was a bridesmaid in her wedding and she had her get her red bulls because she wanted to make sure she stayed up for her wedding night. LOL!
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  • mattycammattycam member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    lol@ cutielocks!

    I often thought that as well about being too tired because it is a full day! I think you guys will be alright whether your first time is in the night or the morning. :)
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_wedding-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:1057fe76-0c53-4838-b4db-3afec97f0231Post:b45992ce-9d74-48b4-9afc-34255428bec9">Re: The Wedding Night</a>:
    [QUOTE] A truly caring man will wait another day or two or however long it takes and not be disappointed if his new wife isn't ready after what was probably the most emotional and exhausting day of her life.
    Posted by Jeffie86[/QUOTE]

    I very much agree.  You really don't know how you or your FI will feel on your wedding day/night, so he can only say he is disappointed <em>right now</em>.  DH and I had a late reception and then traveled 4 hours to get halfway to our honeymoon destination.  We got in at 3 in the morning.  You can bet we didn't do anything until the next night when we had gotten to our honeymoon spot. 
  • erolliserollis member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    PPs give some great advice.

    What you see in movies or read in novels is not real life most of the time. The first time hardly ever meats a persons expectations. I like to go into something with with slightly lower expectations then I really want and normally I get better results then what I wanted. Not the best advice but it works for me.

    My grandmother was on her time of the month when she got married. So it was a no go for them on the wedding night. They were both fine with waiting a little longer because they had such a great relationship even then. They felt no pressure to rush it.
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  • jsimmjsimm member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know FI and I have talked about it in depth, but without details.  We are getting married in 5 weeks... the closer we're getting, the harder it is to resist not only the temptation, but also to resist spending the night together.  We have both been reading a book on Sex in a Christian Relationship (called Sheet Music).  As a couple who have been reserved on the issue, and even joking about it like most of our friends it has been difficult. We're also really nervous about the whole thing We've had a couple of quick talks about it, but Saturday talked about the wedding night and what to expect/not expect for real.  Luckily, our ceremony is early, and we're hoping to leave our family by 7:30 that evening.  We also have an in-room whirl-pool tub and are so looking forward to it ;-)  We've waited so long but I think we're both ready.. At the same time, we don't have any expectations except for waking up next to each other in the morning.  

    I can't wait for that moment, if anything. To wake up to my FI/H and have him in the same bed as me.  CRAZY.  
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with what what others have been saying in that, really, it boils down to expectations and communication BEFORE the wedding night. DH and I, both 28, were virgins until we married on 7/24, and in the six weeks or so leading up to our wedding day we began to talk more frankly and openly about our hopes, insecurities and fears for our first night together. I learned, for example, that he had no expectation I would give him oral sex, which at the time put my mind and heart at ease tremendously! He learned that I feared taking "too long" to feel ready and disappointing him or unwittingly causing him to feel rejected. He assured me that he just wanted to be alone with me, even if intercourse didn't happen right away. Just talking about these things with DH and being really honest and specific did so much to melt my anxieties and quicken my desire to give myself to such a tender and caring man! A couple of weeks before the wedding, he then said "So, just to clarify- are we ruling out sex for the first night? Because it's okay if we do." And I said, "No, love, I HOPE we can make it happen and I'm committed to the mindset of persevering. If we both have enough energy, I'd like to try!" We did try the first night, and it took 3-4 efforts to complete the act, I guess. That happened finally on the third day. We're still working so many things out, but sex has been free and frequent for us and it's really fun to talk with him and try new things together. God has been so merciful to us. It really has been in every way emphatically worth the wait!
  • edited December 2011
    Me and FI haven't really talked about it much yet. I'm definitely nervous but so many have gone down this road before so I'm sure whatever happens whenever it happens will be a memory that we keep building on.    :)
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  • fpaemp2011fpaemp2011 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is nervous about this.  The only thing we've talked about is that it won't happen until after the wedding.  We're not travelling immediately after the reception, but we haven't really talked about that night...mainly because we haven't really had a "safe place" to have that conversation.  We don't want to talk about it while we're alone, but we usually hang out with his sister and brother-in-law, and I don't think any of us want to have that conversation together.
    We're starting an 8 week premarital class on Sunday, and we talk about the physical aspect of marriage in the third week, so I think we'll have a more open discussion about it then. 
  • edited December 2011
    We deliberately scheduled our wedding day so that we wouldn't be too exhausted afterwards. We took our pictures before the ceremony, had an early afternoon ceremony, and a shorter reception (we were done a little after 4 o'clock). This gave us the whole of the late-afternoon and evening just for each other, and it was well worth it.

    We agreed that sex is important to a good marriage and wanted to start things off right -- by placing a priority on the wedding night. Sex is far more important to a good marriage than the wedding day and too many women tend to not realise that fact.
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  • faith12186faith12186 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm really nervous about the wedding night as well. FI has always let me know that he had no issues with my body but i'm kinda afraid of what he hasn't seen yet. I used to be terribly insecure when I was a teen and although I have come leaps and bounds I can't seem to let go of that 100%. I'm just nervous in general. We've been together for six years and this will be our first time together, that's enough to make someone nervous alone. We haven't talked about expectations for the wedding night yet but I think as it gets closer, maybe a couple weeks before I will bring it up. FI has this way of making me feel at ease when I'm worried about things. Once I express my concerns and fears he'll probably say something and melt them all away. 
    Mrs. Married Lady
  • felkelsfelkels member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi there,
    I got married in July.  I was so worried that I would fall asleep and I talked to DH before the wedding.  He was understanding but a little disappointed, and wanted to try if I was up for it.  We had a noon wedding, so we had already been up since 7 am, and left our reception about 4:30 or 5:00.  We did try to make love, however, it was very painful for me at first, so after initial penitration he had to pull out, Then we tried again and he did not last very long, so our first experience was VERY short...maybe 10 minutes max (to tired to try foreplay and didn't realize the importance for the girl at the time).   Afterward we snuggled for a while, and I fell asleep. 
    He was not ready to go to bed yet, so after I fell asleep, he got up.  About half of our church was on facebook that night, and they all poped on and asked him why in the world he was on facebook on his wedding night.  Finally he just posted a status saying that is blushing bride was exhausted, so yes he was on facebook until he got tired while I was resting.  He came in a while later, and snuggled next to me, and we slept together with no other expectations until about 9:30 the next morning, so we could get ready for our post wedding bruch.  I was much more rested for our honeymoon, and actually kind of excited that even though I was not really in the mood on the wedding night, that initial pain would not happen anymore, and I could enjoy our honeymoon so much more! 
  • KikoLoveAndiKikoLoveAndi member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know we will disscuss this in the last weeks before the wedding in pre-marital counselling, but i am kinda worried too.  I really look forward to this part of our day, and i know he is too.   I also know he will be very understanding- and has told me that if we are too tired its ok. but i have low self esteem and tend to look down on myself for every little thing. 

    I guess my question is how can i deal with my own dissipointment if i am not ready/rested that night?
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  • rbtrumpetrbtrumpet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I didn't read the entire discussion - only first post, but I'll give you my two cents (and I'll be blunt - stop reading now if you don't want details):

    1) actually not a lot of people have sex on their wedding night - most people are too tired.  DH was actually really tired, so I don't think he would have been upset if we hadn't

    2) it's not going to be "a great experience".  I'm sorry, it's just not.  I really like the book Sheet Music - he gives a really great example.  He says when people come into his office (he's a counselor) for pre-marital counseling, he gives them a violin and tells them to play.  He says most people squak out a couple "notes" but don't play music - sex is like that, you need to practice, you need to learn.

    Sorry if this is TMI, but - I was a virgin on our wedding night (FI was not) - we were technically able to have sex, but I made him pull out after just a couple min because it was all I could handle.  We've been married just over a week, and it's still not "great" (FI has only had one other partner, and she was not a virgin when they met) - he has never had to deal with everything that comes with having a female virgin - but it is definitely getting "better" each time we do it.

    3) if you are both virgins, you will both have an "adjustment" period - he may not be able to sustain sex for very long - it will take him time to lean and understand his body (since sex is so different than anything else, even masturbation)

    4) I HIGHLY suggest getting the book Sheet Music and reading all the "pre-wedding" chapters - he gives a lot of good advice!  and again - sorry if TMI - but - practice kegals before the wedding, they will help you learn how to relax those muscles specifically (on the release) - keep your hips down (on the bed) - and Astroglide (it's more recommended than KY), don't be afriad to use it!



    All that being said - I was SUPER nervous before the wedding (esp since, as I said, I was a virgin and he wasn't) and although it wasn't "mindblowingly awesome" it defiently was not as "bad" as I thought it would be!
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  • GJones27GJones27 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's really good to read everyone's thoughts, especially from the married individuals.  I'm glad I'm not alone!  I am often uncomfortable discussing these things with friends or family.  Well, actually, I can't ask many of my friends, because they're waiting for marriage, too, and I'm the first getting married!  You offer good advice!
  • azdancer8azdancer8 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow, reading everyone else's thoughts eases a lot of my anxiety. But I'm still nervous, since FI and I are both virgins. Thank goodness we can talk pretty easily about awkward things together. ;)
  • ASquared11ASquared11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Another great book is Real Sex: The naked truth about Chastity by Lauren Winner.  It's a great book to read before marriage as you are developing your thoughts of sex in a marriage and the role of sex in the community and the church.  My wedding is June 11, 2011 so we're still waiting.  But I am excited for the fact that we are both waiting, because even though we'll have to figure everything out, we get to do it together... and it'll be fun to experience!  I understand that some ppl are too tired for their wedding night.  But I also feel that you are becoming one flesh in marriage, which is demonstrated through sex.  So get excited and try to get energized for your wedding night!  You can sleep later! 
  • mattycammattycam member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I think this is a great post and I am glad that everyone is getting "real" and "matter of fact" about things! We as sisters in Christ should not have to go through these types of topics alone and it is great that one can talk about it without feeling small or dumb.

  • TimsGirl10TimsGirl10 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Communication is key!!  Communicating about expectations- about your fears/insecurities/etc.  Even though FI and I are not virgins, we are saving ourselves in our relationship and have talked about what if one or both of us is too tired on our wedding night (we are having an evening wedding).  Neither of us want to disappoint the other- and just "sleeping" next to each other that first night will be enough to fulfill our expectations.  Above anything else- just COMMUNICATE with each other!!
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  • edited December 2011
    I am nervous about this as well, but PP said it very appropriately -- that a good husband will understand how nervous you are and you will work through this together. For all the girls who haven't talked to their FI about it yet, I would encourage you to do so -- it will make you feel a lot less nervous. It really helped me and opened my eyes to his expectations and also how his love for me outweighs this desire far beyond anything I even imagined.
  • gelly bellygelly belly member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    we scheduled our pending nuptials that way as well!!!! because i know with waking up early and not being a morning person, having the ceremony at 11 and the reception end by 4. i will want to just relax and maybe nap. so we'll see what happens. we also haven't planned our honeymoon yet and it may be the week after instead so we'll have time to learn a little about each other (he is not a virgin). so when we go on our honeymoon it i will be awesome... hopefully lol.
  • edited December 2011
    I just want to say I am so glad I read this post, and thank you ladies for being so open and frank.  I had a lot of the same questions, and the advice on here encouraged me to have a frank and honest talk with my FI last night.  It went so well, and I feel so much better knowing our expectations for the wedding night and honeymoon.  I'm so blessed to have such a caring FI!

    Also, I ended up buying Sheet Music and a couple other books on intimacy that I found at the Christian bookstore.  I don't know that I'll have time to read any of them in the next two weeks before the wedding, but at least I have them.
    "You're the L and the V, I'm the O and the E...Am I speaking clearly?"
  • edited December 2011
    Well, I'm back to comment on this post because I JUST GOT BACK FROM MY HONEYMOON!!!  I want to say again how thankful I am for reading this post because it encouraged me to have a good discussion with DH before the wedding!  He said then that he wasn't expecting us to have sex the first night--that maybe we'd just want to focus on being together in the same bed for the first time.  I think he really thought we would not do it on our wedding night.  I was glad for that, because it took the pressure off of me.  However, things were going so well that we ended up doing it that night anyway!

    I was a virgin, and I had been encouraged to buy K-Y Jelly or some other lubricant, which I did.  I also was given some of this stuff by a couple of female relatives (not in a raunchy way but in a "we want to help you be prepared" kind of way).  I honestly did not know if I would end up using it, but I thought it would be best to just be prepared for anything.

    I guess every woman is different, but I did not end up needing that "help" at all during the honeymoon.  I think it helped that my husband and I are in our 30s and he wasn't expecting us to go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds, so to speak.  He was patient and loving, and I was naturally stimulated by him.

    I hope this blunt wording does not offend anyone.  I just want to encourage all you virgins to BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELVES.  Guys and girls respond VERY differently to sex and different forms of physical contact, so help each other learn what turns each one on.  And BE HONEST.  Movies and TV shows DO NOT portray reality, so DO NOT fake any kind of response just because you think it's what your husband wants to hear!

    Also, I do now recommend the book Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman.  My husband and I actually read it out loud together during our honeymoon, and I think it really helped to give us both a better understanding of what was going on and how to interpret different things.  Leman is very direct in how he says things, so be forewarned that you will be reading words like orgasm and climax.  These are not "dirty" words when used in the right context, so hopefully you won't let that kind of speech put you off reaping the benefits of his advice.

    There's so much more I could say, but I just wanted to encourage you ladies who will be in the same boat that I was as a bride.  Be honest with your future husband and keep those lines of communication open!  It is SOOO worth the wait!!!
    "You're the L and the V, I'm the O and the E...Am I speaking clearly?"
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