F/U to "vent" - need advice in three parts

Re: F/U to "vent" - need advice in three parts

• LindaN21 member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  You are very lucky to have such a nice FMIL.  Just sit down honestly and explain to her that your family is acting immature about the situation, as it is true that noone else lived in your marriage and those family members should not be judging you-they don't even know the whole truth.  Tell her that the family that is there loves your FI for who he is, no matter what his skin color is!!  Enjoy your wedding with the people who really care, the rest of them don't matter!! Good luck!!

  

  Report0 Reply
• MikesAngie member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  Nicely put Lisa!  Very great advice on how to talk to the FMIL.  Yay for the OP that her FMIL is so wonderful!
  
  Perhaps just a simple "I'm sorry but I need to ask that you not attend my wedding, and please do not bother my parents. I'm sorry that it has come to this, but I feel I have no other choice."
  

  Report0 Reply
• right1thistime member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  With a wedding in 10 days - do YOU really need the stress of making those calls?  Are you rescinding invitations for people who have said they WILL attend?  Are you prepared for the drama that will ensue?
  
  My advice would be to have the conversation that was suggested above with your FMIL.  Share your anger and hurt with her.  Then hold your head high and have a wonderful wedding.  Go on with your life as if you did not have those relatives. 
  
  It is not appropriate for your parents to sever relationships at your will.  I also think it is inappropriate for your parents to have brought the cruel words to you.  Maybe after the whole wedding frenzy dies down- you can sit down with them and ask them to explain to you why they would bring such hurtful statements to you.  What did they hope to achieve?  A frank conversation about the end of your first marriage, the joy you have found with your Fi and your request to them that they be supportive and loving to you, and respectful to your new DH is one way to frame the conversation.  Then tell them that while they can choose who to associate with in the extended family, you can as well, and that you are eliminating the toxic people immediately- and therefore expect that they will not bring any of their toxic comments into your life.  Make it clear that if they become toxic - THEY will be out as well (but in a kinder, gentler tone-- you are sure that won't be the case). 
  
  In my opinion, whipping this into a tither will make it worse.  You are better off to ignore them from here on.  They will know why, no need to give them the microphone to say it again. ~Donna

  Report0 Reply
• PiscesFish

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_fu-vent-need-advice-three-parts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:a79f3b2d-ea21-4e5a-82a9-537d49a08999Post:905fc1c8-28d3-4f2d-bcc1-03f506de5d54">Re: F/U to "vent" - need advice in three parts</a>:
  [QUOTE] It is not appropriate for your parents to sever relationships at your will. 
  Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]
  
  I didn't say I was demanding my parents to sever these relationships.  However, whether I said it or not, I do find it extremely hurtful and bizarre that they continue to bend over backwards for/choose to seek the approval of people who treat their firstborn as poorly as I've been treated the past few years.  But I do find it fair to demand that my parents try to stop shoving these people down my throat - ie, I'm *not* going to send a baby gift to one of the problematic relatives, and don't feel that I should have to have that decision challenged. 
  
  Knowing my parents (who are chronic oversharers, while I'm quite the opposite), I would bet my last dime this is some kind of punishment for "how dare Pisces not volunteer the details of her divorce to any and every one".
  
  And in all fairness... as a mother, it is most certainly appropriate, if not my obligation, to keep toxic people away from  my child/future children, especially when they are small.  It's also appropriate for me to request that toxic people not be given information about my children. I'm sure my parents can find something else to discuss with these jerks tham my life.

  Mom to a beautiful boy and girl!

  Report0 Reply
• arv266

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  My advice, right now, from one Mom to another, is to take a deep breathe and try to relax.  And once you've settled for a breathe or two, read on....
  
  I understand how hurt you are by your families actions.  I get the fact that you feel they have been disloyal to you, are not protecting you, and are not in your corner.  I get it, trust me, I do.  But what I would like for you to realize is, no matter how much you talk or make it "clear" to them, your family members are the way they are.  You cannot change their behavior.  The only thing you can do is change your outlook.  You can tell them not to share your info, but you can't stop them from doing so, and honestly, and oversharer just can't help themselves. 
  
  What you can do is stop sharing with them.  They won't be able to share information with other family members, if they themselves are not privy.  However, my advice is to be very careful on this one.   Are you ready to shut out your immediate family?  Are you banning them from talking about you and your family?  And if you are, do you think you can really make them?
  
  You were given great advice on ignore, ignore, ignore. They bring up the topic of another family members wedding - change the subject.  Leave the room.  Make it clear by your actions, not words, what you are willing to talk about.  It won't happen overnight, but eventually they will move on.
  
  As far as uninviting your guest... IMO, you can never combate poor behavior with poorer behavior.  Other than self satisfaction of uninviting your family members, what good comes of this?  If they are that opposed to your wedding, odds are they will not show.  In this, be the BIGGER person.
  

  Report0 Reply
• right1thistime member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  Pisces - I do hope that you understand that I agree with you 100%.  My point - in the quote that you chose- is that you don't have control over who they maintain in their life- you only have control over what you let into YOUR life.
  I wholeheartedly support that your parents should not have brought the negativity to you.  I fully understand what you WISH had happened, and you are not out of line to have expected better.  My point, plain and simple, is that you got what you got- and to try to  control what you actually have control over is a less head bangingly frustrating perspective.  ~Donna

  Report0 Reply
• PiscesFish

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_fu-vent-need-advice-three-parts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:a79f3b2d-ea21-4e5a-82a9-537d49a08999Post:22687225-6ae1-4050-8ddf-8fef37bd7990">Re: F/U to "vent" - need advice in three parts</a>:
  [QUOTE]Pisces - I do hope that you understand that I agree with you 100%.  My point - in the quote that you chose- is that you don't have control over who they maintain in their life- you only have control over what you let into YOUR life. [/QUOTE]
  
  
  I do now, Donna. ;-)  Sorry I misinterpreted your quote.
  
  ie, the oversharing... this is a longtime issue I have with my immediate family.  ie, I get that my not attending religious services or using Y treatment (which may make me "better looking", but is quite handily also keeping me ALIVE) for X health condition I have are great sources of stress and embarassment to my parents... but they're only a source of embarssment because they tell EVERYONE how upset they are!  I live a 2+ hour drive from the small town I grew up in. 
  
  For me, neither withholding information nor lying to protect one's privacy are anything approaching morally wrong... my parents/siblings disagree.  But if I wothold information, they accept their own or other people's conjectures (which largely paint me in a far worse light than the truth would) as my explanation.

  Mom to a beautiful boy and girl!

  Report0 Reply
• AdelphiTN member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  Hi Pisces, I don't think you need to take ANY action right now.
  
  You are coming from a place of deep hurt, and believe me, most of us here totally know what that place looks like!  I think I was there for so long, I decorated it. But it is not a good place for irreversible decision-making.
  
  First of all - You certainly don't need to have ANY sort of conversation with the people who said nasty things... just DAYS before your wedding. Who needs to add that stress??? Ignore them. They are not worth your time and effort to make that call to rescind the invitation.
  
  Second, in my personal experience, when you want to cut someone out of your life, it's best if you just DO it. Don't make a dramatic announcement that you are GOING to do it. That only stirs up more drama and controversy. And you certainly don't need to try to get your parents/siblings to adhere to your policy of not letting them know about your life. This is your issue with those folks, not your parents/siblings issue. Dragging them into it again will only sustain the drama. no need to.
  
  And finally, think one thing over very carefully... i'm guessing that 90% of us on this board have heard some sort of negative comment on our first marriages, second weddings, new husbands, etc.  DON'T OVER-REACT.  Many of us have older parents/aunts/uncles/grandparents that come from a totally different time than us.  They are speaking from what they've always believed about the failures of first marriages and the ettiquette of second weddings. IGNORE THEM.  Maybe they'll come around. Maybe they won't.
  
  LET IT GO.  Be happy without them. That's the best revenge.
  

  Report0 Reply
• arv266

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  Adelphi, I need to tell you, that your post was written eloquently.  Excellent advice and so very well stated!

  Report0 Reply
• ichellemay1

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  I agree, well-written Adelphi.  My family has its only little drama - short version - my sister and her husband decided they didn't want to have a relationship with me and my FI almost 2 years ago.  I could get into the "alleged" reasons, but that's beside the point here.  This whole nasty situation has left my parents in the middle.  It has come to the point where if we don't want info shared with people we no longer have a relationship with - it doesn't get shared with my parents.  Yea - it's hard, but that is just life.
  
  OP-be sure you take care of yourself and your baby (and, your FI, of course!) - they are what is most important right now.  GL!

  

  Report0 Reply