Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!

EricaU84 · April 2011

I got engaged in September and I already asked 5 girls to be in my wedding. My fiance is having 7 guys. My fiance's best man just starting dating a girl 3 months prior to us getting engaged. At the time I liked her but we weren't that close. Now we text/email constantly and we always double date and are planning a vacation this summer with the four of us. I was thinking of asking her to be in my bridal party. Does this seem tacky now since I already asked the other girls back in October? She does know that I already asked everyone else. I just don't want it to look like I am asking her to fill up spots in my bridal party. I do truely believe in only asking people you are close with, which is why I only asked 5 girls to begin with.

What are everyone's thoughts? Thanks!

akakoli81 · April 2011

Ask her...just explain to her that now that you have became closer to her that you would be honored to have her as an additional bridesmaid..I am sure she knows that you and her werent that close back then..

If I was her, I would be happy and say yes..

cengle · April 2011

I don't think there's a problem with asking her now, if you've become closer with her than you were several months ago.

If you think she's going to think she's a spot-filler, just be honest with her, and tell her what you wrote here.

GeauxTigers17 · April 2011

I wouldn't ask. Mostly because it's still a really new friendship, but also because I think it would be weird to add someone so much later than everyone else.

EricaU84 · April 2011

Thanks you that is how I was thinking I would word it if I asked her.

Birdie1483 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:9da9dd5c-daf7-4f61-ad5e-1c96e0bf499f">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't ask. Mostly because it's still a really new friendship, but also because I think it would be weird to add someone so much later than everyone else. 
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]

I disagree.

I agree that I would be cautious with a new friendship, but I don't think it's weird to ask one BM at a different time than others. As long as you're honest and make sure she knows your worry of her thinking she's a fill-in you should be fine. Honesty is always best in friendships and I find that it goes a long way.

EricaU84 · April 2011

Hmmm everyone has really good thoughts...I can see both sides of the issue. Also, I guess I have heard of girls asking their fiance's groomsmans' girlfriends before or girlfriends' of their brother's wives so it's kind of a similar situation. I guess the tough part is the gap of asking the other girls first.

tenofcups4me · April 2011

Unless you're certain that you'd want to remain friends with her if she and the best man break up, I think it's probably safest not to ask. I don't necessarily see a problem with asking her later since your relationship has really just developed, but I'd be concerned about if she's a friend because she's his girlfriend or if she's really gone beyond that and is a friend in her own right.

Birdie1483 · April 2011

tencups makes good points. Yeppers

sarah0632 · April 2011

Literally had close to the same situation as you. My FI asked 4 guys, so I asked 4 girls. But there was one new girlfriend of my FI guyfriend who I just simply adored! Even though we knew eachother a few months I really wanted her in my party but I had already asked the other girls. I also kinda felt silly asking a girl I had only known a few months. Well a couple months after my engagement one BM had to drop out when she got accepted into international business school. I contemplated and ended up asking the girl I had known a few months, my FI guy friend's gf. She was sooooo thrilled, I told her I always wanted to make her one and that I was happy the way it had worked out. We've become super close, but just about a month ago her relationship with my FI's friend was on the rocks. I thought this could be very awkward for the wedding but they've since worked it out.

If you really want to put her in your wedding party make sure that you still feel that way if their relationship were to not work out. Would she still be your friend if they weren't dating anymore? Another thing I've learned since choosing a wedding party, it doesn't matter how close of friends you are with people, pick people who are into being involved in planning a wedding. Some people like it and some could care less. Some of my closest BMs are NOT into wedding stuff and some people I'm less close to are very very supportive. Choose someone who will do things for you (as awful as that sounds).

Summer2011Bride · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:e810148f-79cf-4d94-a595-f74f9be17046">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Unless you're certain that you'd want to remain friends with her if she and the best man break up, I think it's probably safest not to ask. I don't necessarily see a problem with asking her later since your relationship has really just developed, but I'd be concerned about if she's a friend because she's his girlfriend or if she's really gone beyond that and is a friend in her own right.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

I think that's a good point. Let's say--hope this doesn't happen--they should break up between now and the wedding. Will you guys still be friends or will it be awkward and you will side with him? Unless you have a friendship that would still remain, I probably wouldn't ask and it has nothing to do with the time frame of asking. But if you are truly good friends outside of their relationship, then sure, go for it! I think explaining the situation should let her know she is not a spot-filler.

mynameskatie · April 2011

I was asked late as a BM once for a friends wedding. The bride and I became close after she had already asked the other BMs. I was totally thrilled and it didn't bother me in the least that I hadn't been asked previously. But I do agree with tencups point as well.

LaceyCharles · April 2011

I had the same situation. One of FI GM had a girlfriend that I tried for so long not to give a chance to (he is notorious for suddenly ending things) but once I did give her a chance, I absolutely fell in love with her (not in that way) and now she is one of my really good friends. They are not together anymore, but she, and he, are still in our wedding party. I dont think it matters when you ask, its such an honor to begin with she will be ecstatic to join, even if its late!

SteveandKris · April 2011

You're also a year from your wedding - in this case, i'd be cauious about adding such a new friendship - it won't hurt to wait a few months and see how your friendship with her grows, not just in the context of her dating the BM

AdeleDazeem · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:37d9fa1e-d6fe-4fec-8c2a-ac59a89918ab">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Literally had close to the same situation as you. My FI asked 4 guys, so I asked 4 girls. But there was one new girlfriend of my FI guyfriend who I just simply adored! Even though we knew eachother a few months I really wanted her in my party but I had already asked the other girls. I also kinda felt silly asking a girl I had only known a few months. Well a couple months after my engagement one BM had to drop out when she got accepted into international business school. I contemplated and ended up asking the girl I had known a few months, my FI guy friend's gf. She was sooooo thrilled, I told her I always wanted to make her one and that I was happy the way it had worked out. We've become super close, but just about a month ago her relationship with my FI's friend was on the rocks. I thought this could be very awkward for the wedding but they've since worked it out. If you really want to put her in your wedding party make sure that you still feel that way if their relationship were to not work out. Would she still be your friend if they weren't dating anymore? Another thing I've learned since choosing a wedding party, it doesn't matter how close of friends you are with people, pick people who are into being involved in planning a wedding. Some people like it and some could care less. Some of my closest BMs are NOT into wedding stuff and some people I'm less close to are very very supportive. Choose someone who will do things for you (as awful as that sounds).
Posted by sarah0632[/QUOTE]

This post goes against every mantra of these boards.

1. No to fill in bridesmaids
Yes to not replacing BMs or GMs if they drop out.
2. No to asking BMs who will do things for you.
Yes to asking those you are closest to.

Oh my.

mkrupar · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:37d9fa1e-d6fe-4fec-8c2a-ac59a89918ab">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Literally had close to the same situation as you. My FI asked 4 guys, so I asked 4 girls. But there was one new girlfriend of my FI guyfriend who I just simply adored! Even though we knew eachother a few months I really wanted her in my party but I had already asked the other girls. I also kinda felt silly asking a girl I had only known a few months. Well a couple months after my engagement one BM had to drop out when she got accepted into international business school. I contemplated and ended up asking the girl I had known a few months, my FI guy friend's gf. She was sooooo thrilled, I told her I always wanted to make her one and that I was happy the way it had worked out. We've become super close, but just about a month ago her relationship with my FI's friend was on the rocks. I thought this could be very awkward for the wedding but they've since worked it out. If you really want to put her in your wedding party make sure that you still feel that way if their relationship were to not work out. Would she still be your friend if they weren't dating anymore? Another thing I've learned since choosing a wedding party, it doesn't matter how close of friends you are with people, pick people who are into being involved in planning a wedding. Some people like it and some could care less. Some of my closest BMs are NOT into wedding stuff and some people I'm less close to are very very supportive. Choose someone who will do things for you (as awful as that sounds).
Posted by sarah0632[/QUOTE]

You are vile.

First you replace someone. Then you spout off on how it doesn't matter how close you are to someone it just matters how much they do for you???

WP =/= free labor

I can't believe you think these people should be into wedding planning and doing things for you. If they want to sure, but to not choose someone you're close with because they won't do things for you is despicable.

danzigwedding · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:37d9fa1e-d6fe-4fec-8c2a-ac59a89918ab">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Literally had close to the same situation as you. My FI asked 4 guys, so I asked 4 girls. But there was one new girlfriend of my FI guyfriend who I just simply adored! Even though we knew eachother a few months I really wanted her in my party but I had already asked the other girls. I also kinda felt silly asking a girl I had only known a few months. Well a couple months after my engagement one BM had to drop out when she got accepted into international business school. I contemplated and ended up asking the girl I had known a few months, my FI guy friend's gf. She was sooooo thrilled, I told her I always wanted to make her one and that I was happy the way it had worked out. We've become super close, but just about a month ago her relationship with my FI's friend was on the rocks. I thought this could be very awkward for the wedding but they've since worked it out. If you really want to put her in your wedding party make sure that you still feel that way if their relationship were to not work out. Would she still be your friend if they weren't dating anymore? Another thing I've learned since choosing a wedding party, it doesn't matter how close of friends you are with people, pick people who are into being involved in planning a wedding. Some people like it and some could care less. Some of my closest BMs are NOT into wedding stuff and some people I'm less close to are very very supportive. Choose someone who will do things for you (as awful as that sounds).
Posted by sarah0632[/QUOTE]

1) It's "couldn't care less"
2) Get a wedding planner- yes it sounds very awful, you're an awful person

MissKate2011 · April 2011

I was asked late once and I was still happy!

jemmini6 · April 2011

If your wedding date really is over a year away as it says in your bio, you probably shouldn't have asked anyone yet. What if they break up in 6 months? Would you still want her in your WP? If so, then you can go ahead and ask her, but if you would kick her out because she's no longer dating the GM, then don't put her in that situation.

jemmini6 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:37d9fa1e-d6fe-4fec-8c2a-ac59a89918ab">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Literally had close to the same situation as you. My FI asked 4 guys, so I asked 4 girls. But there was one new girlfriend of my FI guyfriend who I just simply adored! Even though we knew eachother a few months I really wanted her in my party but I had already asked the other girls. I also kinda felt silly asking a girl I had only known a few months. Well a couple months after my engagement one BM had to drop out when she got accepted into international business school. I contemplated and ended up asking the girl I had known a few months, my FI guy friend's gf. She was sooooo thrilled, I told her I always wanted to make her one and that I was happy the way it had worked out. We've become super close, but just about a month ago her relationship with my FI's friend was on the rocks. I thought this could be very awkward for the wedding but they've since worked it out. If you really want to put her in your wedding party make sure that you still feel that way if their relationship were to not work out. Would she still be your friend if they weren't dating anymore? Another thing I've learned since choosing a wedding party, it doesn't matter how close of friends you are with people, pick people who are into being involved in planning a wedding. Some people like it and some could care less. Some of my closest BMs are NOT into wedding stuff and some people I'm less close to are very very supportive. Choose someone who will do things for you (as awful as that sounds).
Posted by sarah0632[/QUOTE]

Wow...there are so many things wrong with this post. You sound like a truly horrendous person. You should pretty much just stop giving wedding advice on these boards now because no one should listen to you, ever.

sarah0632 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:e1f6e0b2-c631-4c64-8c35-51e39fc744fa">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!! : This post goes against every mantra of these boards. 1. No to fill in bridesmaids Yes to not replacing BMs or GMs if they drop out. 2. No to asking BMs who will do things for you. Yes to asking those you are closest to. Oh my.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I don't think there's anything wrong with replacing a BM that dropped out a few months after being asked. The BM that dropped out had suggested I ask the girl that I did end up asking. And the girl I did end up asking did not care what so ever, she was thrilled. It all worked out for the best.And it's also pretty awful when you've asked your close friends to be in your wedding party to later realize they're really not into being involved.

sarah0632 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:35b4c018-1644-4729-9f49-0d8f9c040e70">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!! : You are vile. First you replace someone. Then you spout off on how it doesn't matter how close you are to someone it just matters how much they do for you??? WP =/= free labor I can't believe you think these people should be into wedding planning and doing things for you. If they want to sure, but to not choose someone you're close with because they won't do things for you is despicable.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

Thank you for that. I haven't attacked anyone like you just have so don't throw stones if you live in a glass house. I've gotten that advice from a few brides now and I'm just passing it along because I found it to be true. And no I did not mean don't pick people close to you instead just pick hard workers. All I'm saying is sometimes people who are very close to you that you think would be happy to be involved end up not being and then there's people who you're not very close to that just love anything to do with weddings that would love to be involved!

sarah0632 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:eaccdea7-7c4b-4165-81a1-9ed349a153ae">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!! : 1) It's "couldn't care less" 2) Get a wedding planner- yes it sounds very awful, you're an awful person
Posted by danzigwedding[/QUOTE]

1. Could care less is new idiom and recognized by the Oxford dictionary, though it is American colloquiallism. The newest idiom for this phrase is "not to care at all".

2. I have one :P

3. A bit hypocritical, don't cha think?

sarah0632 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:eada26dd-2d62-4ffe-954e-05988227cc57">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!! : Wow...there are so many things wrong with this post. You sound like a truly horrendous person. You should pretty much just stop giving wedding advice on these boards now because no one should listen to you, ever.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

Say what you like but that's advice I've gotten from other brides and it's completely true. Like I said above, I don't mean choose WP based on how much people will do I mean choose people that are happy to be involved in wedding stuff and sometimes that isn't the people that are the closest to you or who you'd think would be.

EricaU84 · April 2011

Everyone has great opinions. I am still not sure, but I am probably leaning towards not asking her.

And Sarah, I understand what you mean as far as it's nice to have girls that want to be involved. It's funny the girl that I'm debating I think would actually be really excited and want to be involved. Maybe more so then some of the other girls in the wedding. But if they broke up, I don't know if we would remain friends, it's hard to say until it happened I guess.

sarah0632 · April 2011

Thank you Erica. I also think people shouldn't attack people on their advice and keep it about the OP concerns. I'm glad you understand what I meant. I'm not sure if it was including the girl in my WP or just instinct but I've become so close to her that now I know I wouldn't regret it if their relationship broke off. You have lots of time to decide! If you think she'd be happy to be involved probably also wouldn't mind being asked later! Good luck!

Irishcurls · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-etiquetteneed-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db53f63e-a8ab-4c4d-be9d-0bbfa8db157aPost:00bdea1f-9eef-448e-a031-1b98b7359d42">Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!! : 1. Could care less is new idiom and recognized by the Oxford dictionary, though it is American colloquiallism. The newest idiom for this phrase is "not to care at all". 2. I have one :P 3. A bit hypocritical, don't cha think?
Posted by sarah0632[/QUOTE]
"Irregardless" is also in the dictionary, listed as a nonstandard entry, meaning REGARDLESS. Unfortunately, the dictionary is no longer that useful....

trich101 · April 2011

Since its such a new friendship and like someone else said would she still be your friend if your FI's friend and her broke up?

What about rather than asking her to be a bridesmaid ask her to participate in something else important that fits her personality. like

Can she sing? have her a song sing at the wedding
Does she speak well in a crowd? ask her to do a reading
Is she extremely organized? ask her to be your day of coordinator, instruct the florist of where you want the flowers when they get there, making sure everyone is in the right place on time, help with yours and the BM's makeup, manage the flower girl and ring bearer (if you have them)
Is she able to start a conversation with anyone? Ask her to attend to the guest book

Bridal party Etiquette...need advice please!!

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