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Future MIL is trying to control the wedding........

JANCANDANCEJANCANDANCE
First Comment
in Wedding Woes
PLease help.  My FMIL is doing everything in her power to plan, be apart of but which really means control our wedding.  My FH has flat out told me that is his mom and I may not address her or disrespect her.  I feel so disrespected and unheard by him.  ADvice please
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Re: Future MIL is trying to control the wedding........

  • dharmabunnydharmabunny member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to Re:Future MIL is trying to control the wedding........:[QUOTE]PLease help. nbsp;My FMIL is doing everything in her power to plan, be apart of but which really means control our wedding. nbsp;My FH has flat out told me that is his mom and I may not address her or disrespect her. nbsp;I feel so disrespected and unheard by him. nbsp;ADvice please Posted by JANCANDANCE[/QUOTE]

    Is he actually doing anything about his mom at all? Or will he just issue you a beating for disobedience? Unless your FMIL is the queen of England or you actually are being mean and disrespectful, "you may not address or disrespect" should be a massive red flag. And it will be an issue that will rear its head again and again. But I think you kinda already suspect that. Time to critically reevaluate the dynamic of your relationship before making it legal.
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  • BostonGIrl4732BostonGIrl4732 member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_future-mil-is-trying-to-control-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d09a2693-9643-4869-b857-412d7bd13074Post:8b4421f9-9dd9-4c08-8077-aff8761e7c47">Future MIL is trying to control the wedding........</a>:
    [QUOTE]PLease help.  My FMIL is doing everything in her power to plan, be apart of but which really means control our wedding.  My FH has flat out told me that is his mom and I may not address her or disrespect her.  I feel so disrespected and unheard by him.  ADvice please
    Posted by JANCANDANCE[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is a huge red flag.  It's not your FMIL's wedding, it's yours and your FIs.  What happens when the two of you want to buy a house?  Will your MIL have a say in that?  What about when you have kids?  If your FI is constantly siding with his mother and doesn't listen or respect you, you're going to have a lifetime of playing second fiddle and not having much say in your life.</div><div>
    </div><div>Have you tried talking to your FI about this?</div>
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2012
    While I don't think it's necessary to disrespect her, why can't you address her?

    Just keep in mind that if he's taking his mother's side now, he will never stop and you will never be backed up.

    She will continue to plan your wedding.  She will overstep her boundaries in your home.  She will raise your children.  And your FI will let her.

    This is where you decide if you want to live this life without any say.  Is your FI worth his mommy?
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    you don't have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem. He sounds like an asshole. 

    do you want to spend the next ____ years married to your MIL?
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Well, clearly he's made his choice, so it sounds like you need to do some serious thinking and make a choice of your own.
    �
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  • mandi195mandi195
    500 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    While I understand him not wanting you to disrespect her, he must understand that there are ways to voice your concerns without being offensive or rude. I would talk to him. Personally, as a woman who was once married to a man who acted similarly (his mother was overbearing and disliked me, and forced her way into doing all of the planning for our wedding, as well as trying to dictate our life together), I would be very concerned if I were you.
    Your FI is to be your partner in life, and he needs to stand by and stand up for you. This does not mean he has to always agree with you, but if the two of you have made a decision about something, he needs to stand firm with you in that regardless of what his mother wants.
    I wish you luck, dear.
    Praying for a miracle!
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  • JANCANDANCEJANCANDANCE
    First Comment
    Thank you all for the kind words.  This is something I have struggled with all day.  I love him so much but I do not know if I can get past this.  Every single decision about our wedding she has had something to say or a better way to do things.  Keep in mind my father is paying for the entire thing, my mother is deceased.  I would never disrespect her but I believe I will address her in an assertive manner.  I will let her know while her suggestions are appreciated I really have everything covered.  I would love for her and all the guests to show up and have a wonderful time.  I believe she feels as though I incapable of doing this myself.  It is so frustrating.  I have spoken with my fiance and his exact words were "That is my mother.  You may not address her or disrespect her. She only wants to help."  It isn"t help when she isn't being helpful.  It is always a critcism, or what she will do, and how it should be done.
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  • JANCANDANCEJANCANDANCE
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_future-mil-is-trying-to-control-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d09a2693-9643-4869-b857-412d7bd13074Post:9e18d7cd-4f27-4856-bae7-25bf7849502d">Re: Future MIL is trying to control the wedding........</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Future MIL is trying to control the wedding........ : This is a huge red flag.  It's not your FMIL's wedding, it's yours and your FIs.  What happens when the two of you want to buy a house?  Will your MIL have a say in that?  What about when you have kids?  If your FI is constantly siding with his mother and doesn't listen or respect you, you're going to have a lifetime of playing second fiddle and not having much say in your life. Have you tried talking to your FI about this?
    Posted by BostonGIrl4732[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I have spoken to him and that is the response I am getting from him.</div>
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  • missfrodomissfrodo member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    Unless he is able to choose you over his mother, and respect you and listen to you, I would not marry this man.  I would probably not stay with him at all, but that's just me personally.  If you do choose to stay with him, I believe some couples or pre-marital counseling would be in order.  You need to know where you stand, and right now it appears that you are at the bottom.  Good luck.

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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Ooh, no.  Don't marry this guy.  He is clearly telling you that his primary loyalty is not to you.
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    He is telling you straight up that his mother is more important to him than you are.  You need to listen to that and decide for yourself if you're willing to play second (third, fourth, etc) fiddle to another woman for the rest of your life.  This will NEVER change as long as she's on this Earth.

    Have they both always been like this?  I have trouble believing that this is a sudden change or occurence, and you've never seen this side of either of them before.
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