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Second Weddings

Engagement ring advise - it's just not right...

Hi.  This is the first time posting, but I have been reading for a while.  I need some advise on the engagement ring, or maybe just encouragement.  While the ring is beautiful, it is also very big and very bold, and just doesn't fit my personality.  it wears me, instead of me wearing it, if you know what I mean.  
My first problem: he designed it.  It is a thick white gold band that has a princess cut center diamond.  On each side of the center stone there are 2 smaller round diamonds sitting side by side.  Next down from the round diamonds, there is a birthstone - red on one side, blue on the other.  They are quite large and are in diamond shape with a thick/heavy white gold outline.  Then there are 2 more round side by side diamonds.  Clearly a lot of thought and effort has gone into this ring, but it just screams carnival ring to me - and I feel like such an unappreciative snot thinking that, but I just can't get past this.  It is not growing on me like I had hoped it would.

 My second problem: After a few glases of wine, and a lot of "I can do this", I got his full attention, looked him in the eye, and told him that the ring is too big and bold for me to be able to pull off. I tried to be gentle, yet honest (without mentioning the carnival thing, because that would be just mean and harsh) - he doesn't agree with me!  I think he thinks that I am just being too modest and that I feel like it is not ok to wear large ring. 

So now, what do I do?  Re-address it - let it go??  I don't want to hurt his feelings, but if it just sits in a drawer sometime in the future, that would hurt his feelings anyway.  I just don't know how to bring it up again, or what to say to make him understand that this ring is just not right for me, yet still be respectful of him.  Plus, like I said before, I feel like such a snot to complain about something that was given to me - especially with all the effort and love that went into it.

E
 

Re: Engagement ring advise - it's just not right...

  • fireytigerfireytiger member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm gonna say, just let it go and keep your dislike of the ring to yourself. Wear it while you're engaged, and then once you're married wear only your wedding band most days, and your E-ring on special occasions. That's what many women do anyway, because wearing two rings on the same finger can be cumbersome. You're right, if you continue complaining about the ring then people (including your FI) may start thinking you're being a selfish snot. Even if it's not exactly what you had in mind, it was given to you with love and thoughtfulness. How would you feel if you put so much thought, love and effort into a gift for your FI, and then all he did was complain about how he didn't like it? I know I would be offended and very hurt.

    Also, if he designed it himself then that adds a whole new element to it - is there even any way to change what it looks like at this point? It's not like it'd be something you could just exchange at the jewelers because they have a billion more just like it.

    And before you feel like i'm attacking you, please understand, I am like you and have a great distaste for large jewelry. I have also been given jewelry before by loved ones that I absolutely hated. But the best way to handle this is to be gracious. Wear the ring until you get married, then nobody will bat an eye if you don't wear it all the time.
  • ebuchanan89ebuchanan89 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Fireytiger - Thank you for you input.  You are right, I can't exchange it.  The best we could do would be to melt it down and start from scratch re-using the same materials.  Perhaps just changing out the birthstones for smaller, more subtle ones... 

    I thought of the idea of just wearing the wedding band later, but the wedding band is actually two small bands that are specifically designed to fit on either side of the Engagement ring.  Basically my choices are wear all of it or wear nothing.  And, yes, I am very concerned about hurting his feelings, but I am not sure which is worse, hurting his feelings by being honest with him now, or hurting his feelings later because I am reluctant to wear the ring....  No easy solution.  :(   

    Though, he does agree that the bottom diamonds need to be changed because they wrap too far around my finger and poke me.
  • tngal0403tngal0403 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Can you please post a photo of the ring so we can all see what it looks like?

    Thanks :-)
  • ebuchanan89ebuchanan89 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am not exactly computer savvy, but I will try to get a picture posted.

    E.
  • ebuchanan89ebuchanan89 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Here are some pictures - I hope.



    This is with the wedding bands, also. I can't get the other picture to post, but I will keep trying.

    E.
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Wow, that is a big ring, LOL. It looks like you have a small hand too, like I do.

    For the first couple of gift occasions that I knew my fiance (ie, Xmas and birthday) he bought me jewelry...........a necklace of my birthstone (emerald) in a heart, and a ruby & diamond pendant necklace with matching earrings. These were thoughtful and appreciate, BUT I told him NO MORE NICE JEWELRY!!! I can only wear these on special occasions, which don't happen enough in my life. Now he gets me exactly what I want..........I got a table saw 2 Xmases ago, and a clothing steamer this birthday, LOL. He asks and delivers!

    In this case you are feeling stuck with a ring that does not fit your personality or hand size. TOTALLY understandable. It really does have more of a "cocktail ring" feel & look to it. However, it's quite complicated by the fact that he designed it so it's even more personal.  

    This is a sticky situation that screams out for a "best answer", and I honestly don't have one. Knowing my fiance, if I discussed my dislike of something so important, knowing I'd never be happy wearing a ring he designed that didn't fit anything about me, he'd be a bit hurt for a while, but would be anxious to make me happy by "fixing" the situation. We'd either shop together for a replacement engagement ring and I'd keep his designed ring for special occasions, or we'd re-design something using the jewels in the original ring (although that seems iffy with the ring you have).

    You know him best. He obviously sees no problem with his surprise gift to you. I peeked at your bio and it says your wedding is in 2013 (not sure if that's it or you just picked a date). If it is that far off, I'd probably wear the ring for a while, and either get up the nerve to bring it up again, gently but perhaps more forcefully with your feelings about wearing it every single day for the rest of your life.

    Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    What do you do for a living?  Can you "discover" that the ring interferes with your ability to do your job?  And decide that the best alternative is a plain gold band to wear most days? 

    My DH suggests insuring it and "losing" it.  And declaring it irreplaceable and just buying a solitaire. 

    In some ways, I think this may be a watershed issue in your relationship.  Sharing difficult information between you, and solving the problem is one of those not glamorous but necessary parts of a relationship.  Since you are going to have the rings worked on anyway, can you sit down (without the wine) and tell him that you love the effort, the thought and the intention of his design, but that you really want to love the ring itself as well, and you don't?  It would probably be wise to NOT melt the whole thing down and start over, so could you revise & redesign the ring with smaller stones and be happier with it?  I think that honesty and trust is always precious in a relationship. Suppose someday you are fighting and you blurt out how much you hate the ring? Or you are kibbitzing with a girlfriend and he overhears the two of you cackling over the carnival ring? The hurt would be compounded by the deception. ~Donna
  • ebuchanan89ebuchanan89 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

     2 more pictures.  I just don't think my photography skills give justice to how large and bold (flamboyant) the ring is - maybe they do, I don't know.  To give you an idea, the center diamond is 1 c, and the birth stones on the side are pretty close to being the same "surface" size.  In total, it is a little over 2 c with the side bands - a lot a jewelry to leave sitting in a drawer....

     

    This is the ring we originally agreed on - simple, elegant, airy, and sparkly, yet different.  We were going to have custom bands made for each side of the ring, because I prefer a thicker type of band, and we were going to have our birth stones places somewhere in the bands.  My only caution was to make sure that is was subtle enough so that it didn't take on the look of a Patriotic ring as opposed to a wedding band (because of our birth stone colors of red and blue, then mixed in with diamonds).  I knew there was a change in plans - something about not being able to get the side bands to sit right next to the ring.  So he and the jeweler "made some changes".  



    I work in childcare, so I can't use that as a reason not to wear it - and I can't "loose" it because that would just not be right.  I do have time though.  We have not set a date yet, though it probably will be sometime in 2013 - we want to save up and pay cash for everything.  I had to put a date in my profile because the site would not let me continue without one.

    I agree with Donna - deception is much worse than hurtfull honesty.  I just have to figure out when, how and what to say - I am not very good with this sort of thing, but I know I am going to have to say something sooner rather than later.  I voiced my concerns for the first time just last Wednesday, and then he was gone for a few days for work.  He will be home again tomorrow afternoon.  Though I am pretty sure he has chalked our conversation up to being settled, as he has not mentioned it in any of our phone calls.

     I want him to understand that I still appreciate everything he did, and it is not a personal attack on him, etc, etc. - I will take all the suggestions from you ladies that I can get!!!
  • edited December 2011
    How about: Fi, I've been thinking quite a bit about how to say this to you without hurting your feelings.  I think that no matter how carefully and lovingly I choose my words, what I have to say may do that.  Because of that, I almost decided to just say nothing, but that wouldn't be fair to either one of us.  I love being engaged to you, and I love that you spent so much time, effort and money on the design of my engagement ring.  As I told you the other night, it is just too flamboyant for me.  I loved the vision we selected together because it was delicate and airy, but still quite sparkly.  This design is heavier, and some of the magic is lost because of it.  I know that you wanted to choose something I would love, and I think that you really wouldn't want me to keep something that makes me feel disappointed every time I look at it.  I really want my ring to be something that I love to show off, and to squee with all my firends over, and this ring just isn't it. I hope you understand that my love for you hasn't changed at all.  And I hope you aren't too hurt by me telling you this.  I just think that honesty between us is too important.
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    GREAT words right1thistime. Do you want to write my vows? (just kidding)
  • awayagainawayagain member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
      So he and the jeweler "made some changes".  

    I think this may qualify as the understatement of the year.
  • ebuchanan89ebuchanan89 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you right1thistime.  You said what I was trying to say, but didn't do a very good job of - I probably would have faired better if I have done it in Military Speak - he understands that, but I just can't bring myself to be so harsh and direct.  Your suggestion combines both - specific and direct, yet gentle and respectful. 

     He will be home in a few hours.  I will have to bring it up again tonight, after the kids are asleep.  I suppose it would be tacky to use cue cards.....

    Thank you, everyone, for your suggestions and input.

    E.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_engagement-ring-advise-its-just-not-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:c53aee95-177d-4ae7-aecd-9bf70cc3a135Post:2d8d322d-03af-47d5-90d7-9f39ccd2fa91">Re: Engagement ring advise - it's just not right...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you right1thistime.  You said what I was trying to say, but didn't do a very good job of - I probably would have faired better if I have done it in Military Speak - he understands that, but I just can't bring myself to be so harsh and direct.  Your suggestion combines both - specific and direct, yet gentle and respectful.   He will be home in a few hours.  I will have to bring it up again tonight, after the kids are asleep.  <strong>I suppose it would be tacky to use cue cards.....</strong> Thank you, everyone, for your suggestions and input. E.
    Posted by ebuchanan89[/QUOTE]

    If you need them, go ahead and prepare them (writing the salient points will help solidify your approach).  Rehearse with them if you feel better.  There's no reason you can't have a couple of index cards in your back pocket if it will help with this very sensitive conversation.  Good luck!
  • edited December 2011
    If you work in childcare, how do you not scratch children with that thing?!?!  Better yet, how have you not injured your FI?  I scratch mine all of the time with my litlte 1 carat in 3 stones ring, lol.

    Yay for FI on the thought and effort, but oh, my...


  • prodigalgirlprodigalgirl member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Update?  How did it go?
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • ebuchanan89ebuchanan89 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Nothing to report, yet.  Not only did he come home tired and crabby, but his Aunt died, too.  Will have to wait for a more appropriate time.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_engagement-ring-advise-its-just-not-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:c53aee95-177d-4ae7-aecd-9bf70cc3a135Post:dc2a6378-a4cf-4670-9cb3-20903b751c16">Re: Engagement ring advise - it's just not right...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Nothing to report, yet.  Not only did he come home tired and crabby, but his Aunt died, too.  Will have to wait for a more appropriate time.
    Posted by ebuchanan89[/QUOTE]

    Damn!  Sorry to hear he got bad news.  You're SO right, this conversation can wait.  Hang in there, hon.
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