To those marrying someone with children: What are your thoughts?

fireytiger · August 2011

This doesn't pertain to me necessarily, but I'm just curious because I'm not sure what to think of this. My friend is getting married in a little over 3 weeks, and questions about the stability of their relationship aside, the man she's marrying has a 3 year old son. His son is in the wedding as a ring bearer. His ex-girlfriend, the mother of his son, has custody. They are civil to each other for their son's sake. My friend hates her with a passion and has always been a green eyed monster when it comes to this woman (she's repeatedly accused her FI of having an affair with her because he talks to her, she thinks her FI's family "prefers" the ex over her, etc.)

Apparently, the ex-girlfriend has been asking if she can attend the wedding, so she can see Logan as the ringbearer and keep an eye on him and such. My friend is delirious with rage, because she can't see any reason why this woman ever talks to her FI (uhh, they have a kid together??), she hates her guts and doesn't want her anywhere near her wedding. Now, maybe I just don't understand, but would it be so bad to have the mother of her FI's son there? The kid's only 3, he does tend to get rambunctious when he's at a wedding with his dad, because he's nervous around the crowds and doesn't know his dad as well as his mom. His dad will obviously be occupied with other things than keeping an active 3 year old in check. Her FI and his ex are on civil terms so it's not like they'd start throwing stuff or yelling at each other. It's insane to me, because the only person in this 3 way "relationship" who's ever been unreasonable about things is my friend. Thoughts?

right1thistime · August 2011

Firey - over the years, I have seen many posters come on here with just the emotions you are talking about, the unrelenting jealousy of their soon to be spouse's previous relationships. Whether xW or XGF, the past love eats at them with incredibly constant nibbles. They cannot let it go. They cannot accept that their Fi has loved someone before. I alwasy default to get counseling.

Having said that- the xGF would not be invited to my wedding. If the young child cannot be managed by another member of the family (a grandmother? aunt/ uncle?) then he would not play a prominent role, or my Fi would plan to hold, hand hold or manage him-- or he wouldn't be there at all. If the only option was to have his mother there, then no. I wouldn't prohibit his attendance, but the option of her being there wouldn't fly with me. If I had to wait to get married until he was old enough to behave without overreaching supervision of a parent, I'd wait. (We waited a long time to get married, in part to let the kids grow up some.) ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin · August 2011

Tough spot.

I'm the "ex" of the fiance in the above scenario. My ex's wife abhors me with a white heat intensity generally directed only at murderers. I won't go into details in this email, however.

When the ex and his now-wife got married, I only asked to be allowed to see our daughter beforehand, when they were getting ready. Nope, not gonna happen. To this DAY, 5 years later, she has never shared pics of their wedding with my daughter, who planned on making them a fabulous wedding scrapbook (which I purchased for $50).

My advice is to allow the young boy's mom to see him in his clothes as they get ready, I'm assuming at a spot not where your friend is also getting ready. Then, make arrangements for her to pick him up outside the reception roughly after dinner. That way he's been seen in his wedding finery, and doesn't have a chance to get to the point that he's running around with no one watching him, or burdening his dad or others with keeping him in check. With this arrangement she doesn't have to attend.

Good luck.

JostMarried · August 2011

I agree with Donna, I just don't see a reason for her to be at the actual wedding. If she wants to have pictures in his attire, so be it - beforehand - as in before they are at the venue. I'm a "no drama" person, so I'd avoid anything that might cause it.

And although I do think your friend needs some help dealing with her feelings towards the mother of her future husband's son, it is also her wedding and wouldn't want my ex's wife/GF at our wedding either.

shytownkelly · August 2011

This is where that "Like" button would come in handy. I agree with the others - no way is the ex coming to the wedding.

I have a FANTASTIC relationship with my exH - but I sure wasn't going to invite him to my wedding festivities. Just awkward. And if she's struggling with jealousy/envy issues (which as Donna suggested - really need to get worked out else it spells doom), why torment her with the knowledge that she's there?

not worth it for a day.

blush64 · August 2011

I would not have an ex at our wedding. I would let her pick him up right after dinner, I would send along pictures from the wedding so she could see what he looked like.

That being said I think this friend needs to deal with her issues before they get married. If she hates the mother that much for no good reason, how does she feel about the son. It's not far until she starts to resent him because he is the reason they still have contact.

MikesAngie · August 2011

First and foremost your friend needs to deal with her emotions or she will be on a board in no time wondering what happened as her marriage ends. Sorry, being jealous of an ex for what ever reason is totally uncalled for especially when children are involved.

She needs to think of this: the XGF is an ex for a reason (or many), he proposed to and is willing to be married to her dispite her making a total emotional a$$ out of herself. Until this toddler reaches the age of 18 and more than likely beyond the XGF will be a part of their lives if her FI wants to have a relationship with his son and it sounds like he does.

She needs to learn to deal with it as a rational healthy adult or leave this man and his son alone - no need to drag them through a wedding and divorce because she can't be reasonable.

If she is worried about the in-laws, then be a great step-mom to the boy and show them all that she loves both the Dad and the son.

About her wedding (if it should happen) have the XGF drop the son off with Dad and then pick him up after pictures but before the reception (take him to get a happy meal he's not gonna care) and then he won't disrupt things and the adults can enjoy the party.

Just my 2 cents... or is that a nickel now?

fireytiger · August 2011

Yeah, thanks for your thoughts. I was a little torn on that myself, on one hand I believe nobody should HAVE to have people at their wedding that they don't want there. But on the other hand, I was just thinking of this boy and the fact that he knows his mom better than his dad. I know that my friend and her FI want his son to stay the whole time, but who's gonna watch him? He doesn't know any of his dad's family (they all live in Massachusetts while we live in Missouri), and only one person thus far is able to come from his family. I dunno. I'm sure someone could probably watch him, but I'm just amazed at how obnoxious my friend has been about this ex, even from the beginning. She likes his son, they get along well, and his son adores her, but she has even said in the past that she doesn't want anyone to refer to her as his stepmother. Apparently, because her FI's ex would flip out. The only flipping out i've seen and heard about though is from my friend. So meh.

ebuchanan89 · August 2011

I don't think a three year old has ANY interest in staying for the entire wedding/reception. I agree with others - mom can see him before the ceremony, all dressed up, then pick him up early into the reception. She can watch a video of him walking down the isle - I am sure someone will be taking videos....

2dBride · August 2011

Hmm... I actually had my ex--and his sister--at our wedding. And NotFroofy was the one who suggested inviting the ex.

I don't know that our approach would have worked for anyone else. But I do wonder about those who are seriously jealous of an ex. If I were tempted to cheat on NotFroofy (which I'm not), my ex would be the last person in the world I'd go for. After all, I already tried having a relationship with him, and it didn't work. Why would I want to try again?

fireytiger · August 2011

Retread, I agree completely. She is totally insecure and immature and is in no way ready to be a wife, stepmother, or (eventually) mother. Like I said, this is not the only huge issue in their relationship, they both really need to mature by about 5 years or so, minimum, before they'll actually be ready for marriage. But last time they came to me and DH for relationship advice and we gave them advice they didn't want to hear, they wouldn't talk to us for months afterward because they said we weren't "really their friends". So I'm not gonna be the one who tries to tell them they're making a mistake, let them figure it out the hard way.

The ironic thing is, when they were trying to find a pastor to marry them, they decided on one that we all knew from work, and then changed their mind. Apparently, he told them that he requires all the couples he marries to go through pre-marital counseling, so they picked someone else. They said they thought it was a ridiculous requirement because "they don't need counseling". :P

thealphabride · August 2011

My ex husband's daughter gets married this weekend. Myself, our son, my husband, my ex, his fiance, his first ex, (the bride's mother) and her husband will all attend the wedding.

And everyone will play nice for the sake of his daughter!

lindaloulubbock · August 2011

Oh, they so need the counseling. I'm sad for that little boy.

To those marrying someone with children: What are your thoughts?

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