Parents have passed away before wedding...help!!!

Beachbabi85 · July 2012

Hi everyone,

I got engaged about a month ago. I am marrying the man of my dreams. I can not wait to be his wife. I am struggling with my family. My father passed away in 2009 and my mother and I use to talk about her giving me away and last year she passed away. They were the most important people to me, and now they will not even be there. My Fiances family has not been very welcoming, actually the opposite, talking about me and disliking me. He obviously wants his family at the wedding, and I am trying to be nice, but his grandparents have talked bad about me, his parents and his brothers. Things are better with his mom, but she is the only one. I know if my parents were alive they would be so excited and no one in his family is excited. They are not helping pay or plan ANYTHING and I have reached out SEVERAL times. My parents would at least HELP pay and be involved. The sad thing is that because my parents have been sick for so long before they passed, my role was to take care of them, so I basically lost my friendships and have not built any new ones yet. I always dreamed of my wedding with my closest friends and dreamed of dancing with my daddy. I don't want to spend 30K for a wedding for his family but I also have always dreamed of a wedding. I do not know what to do!!!! I don't want to wait to marry the man I want to be with either. Any ideas?

balletdawn · July 2012

I'm so sorry about your parents. First off, don't think that you need to plan a wedding that is more elaborate and/or expensive just because it's what they want. Discuss it with your FI and decide what kind of wedding the two of you want to have.

Secondly, no one is obligated to help pay or plan your wedding. The two of you should plan what you can do and pay for yourselves. Any help they give you will just be icing on the cake, but don't expect it and you won't be disappointed.

I'm sorry they're not more welcoming and warm. I can't imagine how alone in this you feel right now. At least you seem very secure with your choice in a man - gain strength from being with him and the happiness you feel when you think of your future together. You have had significant loss to your biological family, but you are building your own family and future.

VeggieLove1022 · July 2012

I answered you on Ceremony Ideas, but in case you don't check it-

It sounds like you want to elope. What does your FI think about eloping?

Beachbabi85 · July 2012

We actually have discussed going somewhere for our honeymoon and just getting married there. He is all for it. He even said all he cares about is having his parents and brothers there. But I think if we did that I would be really sad, because I only have one brother, and having his Mom, Dad, and FOUR brothers may be a little overwhelming with just me and my brother....who is still grieving heavily from the loss of my mom. I live in Florida and my entire family lives in New Hampshire, so it's kind of hard deciding where I would even do it.

Beachbabi85 · July 2012

Thank You! You have a positive outlook!

lindsaynewbride10 · July 2012

Ok, it it no one else's responsibility to pay for your wedding but you and your fiance. Period. I'm so very sorry for your loss, I can't imagine losing my parents in the short amount of time that you did, and I'm sorry that they won't be there for your special day. But again, with that said, you can't expect anyone else to pay for your wedding. I won't be the last person to tell you that, either. Good luck.

AshnRobo · July 2012

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm even more sorry his family is so awful to you.

I think your FI either needs to let his family know they need to be more warm and welcoming to you, or the two of you need to elope. Inviting your family to your elopement makes it a DW. Don't have a DW. Elope.

His family has no obligation to pay for anything. The bill lands on you two. You should never ask his family for money.

I'm glad that you love this man, but I would think twice about marrying a man that lets his family treat you so poorly.

Beachbabi85 · July 2012

Oh it is a long story. It has basically been his grandparents. And they have been talking bad about me to the entire family. Never met me just judging me. My FI use to live with them, so they are upset that he is now with me and moved to start a life with me. He finally did stand up for me. For awhile he did not want to make his grandparents look bad. He has spoken with everyone in his family. But my FI is very soft spoken and hates confrontration. But he has stood up for my A LOT....but he can't change their behavior.

ElleB87 · July 2012

I am truly sorry that you've lost both your parents in such a short time span. I really am. I really hope you're able to move past your grief.

Personally I wouldn't be too keen to have a new in-law that felt I should have to pay for her wedding. This is probably a major point of contention with his family and they have every right to dislike your ridiculous expectations of them. You should never expect someone else to pay your way, you are an adult.

You're right, your FI can't change his families' behaviour and it's great he has stood up for you. However, you can change YOUR behaviour and start that process by offering a big sincere apology to his family for your rude sense of entitlement. After that, the ball is in their court and if they still choose not to change, that's their choice.

I also agree with the PP's that suggested eloping. H and I had a private DW in Ireland and our day was perfect. No stress, very intimate, just what we wanted. Talk to your FI and see what he says. It's an option worth exploring.

Beachbabi85 · July 2012

Ok, I am sorry you misunderstood me. NEVER expected them to pay for it. I was more upset they did not want to put any Input on the wedding or be involved. I thought it would be nice if they HELPED, but I would NEVER expect them to pay for the wedding. They did not like me WAY before we even got engaged. This was long long long before even meeting me.

Beachbabi85 · July 2012

It started with his grandparents. My FI lived with them for three years and he is their favorite. Even recently my FI would go pump their gas and his grandmother would come to his work complaining everyday asking him to do something. She was overwhelimg him. He wanted to get away from them. He moved to West Palm Beach to be closer to me as we work on our relationship. They did not like that. They are very judgemental and bitter people. I have chosen to forgive them but they have been the root of a lot of pain. They would call his parents, cousins, and brothers, and of course his family would be concerned about him. So everyday his family was hearing lies and gossip and calling him. He had trouble because he felt like he had to protect me and his family and was caught in the middle. It was a horrible situation for him. I lost my job and had no where to stay so he let me stay with him for about a month. His grandfather called me trash to his face and was saying it to other family memebers. I forgive them, I do, and trying to move forward, but they are just judging me based on things they are creating in their heads. My FI loves them and tried to stand up for them but when he realized how much grief it caused me and his family he stood up for me. It's just a crappy situation. But I am still going to smile! I know I will get through it all! And I know he will too!

ElleB87 · July 2012

Ah...your clarification totally changes my response your situation.

Wow...his grandparents sound like azzholes. It sounds like their minds are made up and they would be pulling the same crap whether your FI were marrying you or Tinkerbell. They just can't deal with him growing up and moving on in life. It's nice he likes to help them out but he's not their slave so they should consider calling on someone else to help them out around the house (or if managing their everyday lives has become to challenging, they should be looking into retirement communities).

Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you or your FI can do at this point. You and he know your relationship, they don't, don't let their cattiness affect you. You mentioned before that your relationship with your FMIL is alright, I'd focus on building that.

And for the record I wouldn't be forgiving anyone who calls me "trash" to my FI's face. Senile or not.

VeggieLove1022 · July 2012

I would elope and have a bitchin honeymoon.

Beachbabi85 · July 2012

Seriously, your post made me laugh. I kind of needed that. My boyfriend's dad is a Lutheran Pastor so his family is well...traditional and well sometimes my FI is TOO nice. But I am from New England, now living in Florida and I am use to sacrasim and people being honest, so I kind of miss that, so seriously thank you. I think I needed to hear someone be REAL!

kaceymarie · July 2012

have a small intimate wedding. it will be amazing! you should google it, you'll find some beautiful ideas. then you can have the best honeymoon.

Ryan&Jill2012 · July 2012

I am so sorry to hear about your parents passing away so close to the wedding. In your post you mentioned that you'd talked to your mother about her giving you away before she passed away. Is there someone else that you are particularly close to in your family? Perhaps your brother, one of your parents siblings or a grandparent? I was recently at a wedding where the brides sister walked her down the aisle and it was really touching.

As far as your FI's family goes I would definately focus on working to strengthen the budding relationship with your FMIL. Once she is firmly in your corner the rest of his family will probably follow her lead!

Parents have passed away before wedding...help!!!

Re: Parents have passed away before wedding...help!!!

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