Single ring exchange? how does it work?

dandywarhol · November 2010

My FI does not plan on wearing a wedding ring and I am fine with that. He has a phobia of jewelry.

But I'm wondering how do you do the ring exchange if there is only one ring? Do we use a stand in ring? Do I just hold his hand? What do we do?

Help.

bethsmiles · November 2010

I say you just hold his hand.

zippityb · November 2010

Get a cheapo for the ceremony. My dad doesn't wear his wedding ring either due to the nature of his job, and my parents have been married for 40+ years. You can always keep it as a "symbol" in your jewelry box.

ohwhynot · November 2010

How does one develop a jewelry phobia?

In any event, I'd just hold his hand and instead of saying "with this ring, I wed thee" or whatever, you can say something like "On this day, I wed thee."

FutureMrsTR · November 2010

Could you give him something else? Something special to the two of you? A watch (does that count in a jewelry phobia?) or something?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

I'd get a tungsten ring or something really cheap on Overstock (like, $20-$30) and use it. Then he can keep it in a jewelry box.

I might have a problem if my husband didn't want a ring at all. Actually, unless he had a hands-on job, I'd feel sad if he didn't want to wear his ring.

NuggetBrain · November 2010

Is it because of his job, or because he historically ends up always losing jewelry he has? Because unless it is, this is kind of wierd to me, so I need a better explanation as to why he's so strongly against wearing a ring because I'm nosy.

Seriously, I have a problem with the "jewelry phobia" statement unless he goes screaming for the hills everytime you wear earrings.

ScarlettDahlia · November 2010

You can get a cheap silver band at Wal-Mart for $20. That's what we did for my H. He has a hands-on job, so he won't wear one at work.

jerseydevil · November 2010

I'm not sure how "jewelery phobia" works. That is an honest statement.

To answer your question, though, I would just hold his hand. Be prepared for people who don't know him well to ask about it bc I would find it odd.

emilyinchile · November 2010

My dad doesn't wear a ring because his knuckles are huge (too many broken fingers as a kid), and anything that would fit over his knuckles would be way too big for his finger. I don't know how he and my mom did the ceremony, but I know he doesn't have a stand-in ring, so I'd just go with hand holding.

dandywarhol · November 2010

I agree, the phobia is odd but it stems from when he was a small child and he somehow managed to get a number of earrings (remember those 6 packs of earrings from Claire's or the like?) embedded in the sole of his foot. His sister left the earrings on the stairs, he somehow managed to step on them & the whole experience was traumatic. You really can't make this stuff up! He does gag at the thought of earrings, rings, bracelets, and the like. He has a phobia (irrational fear) that the jewelry is somehow going to end up in his mouth and he will gag on it - again - irrational fear. Oh well, it is one of his quirks.

I'm ok with him not wearing the ring because I know the ring is just a symbol of our love and our commitment to each other is more than just a band of gold. That said, I do like the thought of a cheap band that we can use just for the ceremony.

[Deleted User] · November 2010

The double ring is a very recent addition to the wedding ceremony. I have heard that the wedding ring on the third finger left hand is a symbol of subservience, which is why men didn't wear wedding rings on their left hand; if they wore them at all, they wore them on their right hand, the hand of dominance. I suspect the jewelry industry saw a chance to make more money and started convincing couples to have a double ring ceremony. If he really doesn't want to wear a ring, personally I would just skip it in the ceremony. The officiant will say something like, "May I have THE RING please," your ring will be presented, the groom will say, "With this ring, I thee wed" and that's it!! Done!! Also, if he doesn't want to wear a ring, that should leave more money to spend on your ring. How is that a problem?

emilyinchile · November 2010

Wait, how are you going to wear a ring/rings if just the thought of them makes him gag?

opalsky007 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_single-ring-exchange-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e654f3f5-ad21-4d26-9fd8-8b9493557747Post:5f96fa20-1050-4ae8-bd7b-247f3c687193">Re: Single ring exchange? how does it work?</a>:
[QUOTE]The double ring is a very recent addition to the wedding ceremony. I have heard that the wedding ring on the third finger left hand is a symbol of subservience, which is why men didn't wear wedding rings on their left hand; if they wore them at all, they wore them on their right hand, the hand of dominance. I suspect the jewelry industry saw a chance to make more money and started convincing couples to have a double ring ceremony. If he really doesn't want to wear a ring, personally I would just skip it in the ceremony. The officiant will say something like, "May I have THE RING please," your ring will be presented, the groom will say, "With this ring, I thee wed" and that's it!! Done!! Also, if he doesn't want to wear a ring, that should leave more money to spend on your ring. How is that a problem?
Posted by Alexmom2[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Actually, the Romans believed that a nerve in the third finger ran directly to the heart.</div><div>
</div><div>And American men started wearing wedding bands more commonly during WWII, as a way of reminding them of their sweethearts back home.

</div>

Wrkn925 · November 2010

I learn something new every day.

EIC, have you seen the hinged rings for people with big knuckles?

tenofcups4me · November 2010

If it's not going to have any meaning to you or to him, I'd skip it. I would think it's weirder to spend money (even a minimal amount) to give him something that you both know he doesn't want. Just do the part where he gives you the ring and move onto the next part of the ceremony. To me, it's the vows, not the ring exchange, that make you "married."

(Just a bit of trivia: traditional Jewish ceremonies only include the groom giving the bride a ring, not the other way around, though most modern Jewish ceremonies do a double-ring exchange.) As a guest, I doubt I'd notice one way or the other or if I did, it would just be a momentary "huh, that's interesting" kind of reaction.

dandywarhol · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_single-ring-exchange-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e654f3f5-ad21-4d26-9fd8-8b9493557747Post:f7ddfdba-0da3-433d-89a4-2b14731a1956">Re: Single ring exchange? how does it work?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait, how are you going to wear a ring/rings if just the thought of them makes him gag?
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Like I said, we're working on it. When we started dating 7 years ago I refrained from wearing any jewelry around him. Over time I've started to wear it more. I don't normally wear a ton of jewelry so it works out ok. He's been okay with the engagement ring as long as I don't get it too close to his mouth. His phobia is odd but manageable. </div><div>
</div><div>We're having an small ceremony of only close family so most of the people already know his phobia, so if we were to skip the ring for him I'm sure few people would be surprised. </div><div>
</div><div>I guess he and I need to talk about it more and figure out exactly what the other envisions. Thanks for your thoughts/suggestions. :)

</div>

jerseydevil · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_single-ring-exchange-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e654f3f5-ad21-4d26-9fd8-8b9493557747Post:9f99d5d1-9929-43f1-a563-acd657c7a779">Re: Single ring exchange? how does it work?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I agree, the phobia is odd but it stems from when he was a small child and he somehow managed to get a number of earrings (remember those 6 packs of earrings from Claire's or the like?) embedded in the sole of his foot.</strong> His sister left the earrings on the stairs, he somehow managed to step on them & the whole experience was traumatic. You really can't make this stuff up! He does gag at the thought of earrings, rings, bracelets, and the like. He has a phobia (irrational fear) that the jewelry is somehow going to end up in his mouth and he will gag on it - again - irrational fear. Oh well, it is one of his quirks. :) I'm ok with him not wearing the ring because I know the ring is just a symbol of our love and our commitment to each other is more than just a band of gold. That said, I do like the thought of a cheap band that we can use just for the ceremony.
Posted by dandywarhol[/QUOTE]

Ow! That's pretty interesting. The mind is so strange....

emilyinchile · November 2010

Wrkn, nope. It doesn't surprise me to hear they exist, but I can't somehow picture my dad rushing out to buy one

andy71781 · November 2010

not a home wrecker or anything but I will just say that when I see a man of a certain age not wearing a wedding ring I assume that he is not married.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

Hey, OP, I like your screen name. What part of NY are you from? I grew up in Buffalo, but have lived a few places upstate.

Meg1979 · November 2010

My FI doesn't want to wear a ring, either, but I'm making him. Maybe it's cruel. I don't know. He wore his class ring approximately one week and any other jewelry about the same time. All he wears is a watch. I know it's not so he can get booty on the side, but this has been a big bone of contention for us, too. I don't plan on getting a very expensive ring, just in case he can't handle the ring pressure anymore.

The phobia thing sounds weird, though. I agree with the PP. Get a cheap ring for the ceremony.

Habs2Hart · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_single-ring-exchange-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e654f3f5-ad21-4d26-9fd8-8b9493557747Post:5517361f-6982-4afe-9baf-f85ddeca9360">Re: Single ring exchange? how does it work?</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously, I have a problem with the "jewelry phobia" statement unless he goes screaming for the hills everytime you wear earrings.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

Come clean my computer screen. lol.

RodeoRed · November 2010

My H also has a jewelry phobia so I get where you are coming from. In our case we did get a ring because he wanted to try and "get used" to it. He currently does not wear it which is ok with me, though it does make me a little sad as I like how it looks when he wears it. I did have the thought today though that people might think it is weird that I am holding hands ect. with a guy that is not wearing rings when I am.

To people asking about a jewelry phobia, I really didn't get it either until I handed him my earrings one day and asked him to put them on the table next to the couch. From the expression on his face I thought he was going to die. He really just hates the feeling of it and won't even wear a watch. He does occasionally try to wear his ring but he just can't deal with it for more than 15 minutes or so.

bel138 · November 2010

Have you ever heard of desensitization therapy? Dude really needs it. I mean, how does he function in everyday life?

starla827 · November 2010

Just another suggestion...Jewish weddings only have 1 ring traditionally. You can maybe check out the Jewish board or do a little research to see how they do that.

But, I'm not sure what type of wedding you are having, so I don't know if you could work the Jewish ring exchange into your vows.

ARod22 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_single-ring-exchange-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e654f3f5-ad21-4d26-9fd8-8b9493557747Post:77dae432-f7f3-47bb-9866-a7b37b1c9edd">Re: Single ring exchange? how does it work?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just another suggestion...Jewish weddings only have 1 ring traditionally. You can maybe check out the Jewish board or do a little research to see how they do that. But, I'm not sure what type of wedding you are having, so I don't know if you could work the Jewish ring exchange into your vows.
Posted by starla827[/QUOTE]

It's a very simple thing, actually. He places the ring on her finger (traditionally the right forefinger) and in Hebrew states that she is now consecrated to him according to the Law.

This obviously translates very easily into a Christian or secular wedding, but the real issue the OP has is explaining their to people without sounding strange. In Jewish weddings, (traditionally) the explanation is that a man "acquires" a wife by giving her something of monetary value in front of witnesses. The reason that Orthodox rabbis don't have the bride give the groom something in exchange is because according to teh letter of the Law, a marriage is not an equal exchange, and therefore a double ring ceremony may create confusion over what just happened during the ceremony. So, if she were Jewish, she could just say that she wanted to follow the letter of the Law, but this is clearly not the case.

I have to say, though, most Jewish couples I know who married Orthodox and are even quite religious themselves, both of them have wedding bands on (the bride gives it to the groom after the ceremony as a gift... secular tradition).

lyndausvi · November 2010

My father does not wear a ring. Never has and doesn't have a stand-by ring. I never though twice about it. I'm not sure how they did their ceremony, but it certainly is not a point of contention in my family.

I'm sure a google search will come up with something. I told my DH he didn't have to wear one and I meant it. He did get one and now after 2 years if he choose to not wear it I would wonder why, but if he started out without one I would not have cared.

vlevitt · November 2010

my father in law has been married for over 30 years and has never worn a wedding band. his wife (my MIL) doesn't mind, and never has. if your FI doesn't want a ring, no big deal. i like the idea of just holding his hand, rather than the charade of a "stand in" ring.

incidentally, in traditional jewish ceremonies the groom presents a ring to the bride under the marriage canopy, but she does not reciprocate. it is only a single ring exchange. a double ring exchange (in orthodox circles) would invalidate the ceremony. generally, the groom slips on a ring after the ceremony is over, but that is a modern convention.

squirrly · November 2010

Is he comfortable putting the ring on you during the ceremony? Would he be willing to do a double ring ceremony and then just put the ring away? (My father also has never worn his wedding band, due to the job he had for years after my parents wedding, but he does have a wedding band that he keeps on his dresser.)

If you want to do something else entirely, what about a Celtic handfast ceremony or something else similar? I don't know a lot about them, other than that my cousin had one in her wedding, but it does at least involve the joining of hands.

And, you could just tack on the single, "with this ring, I thee wed" (or something similar if you don't like that wording) right at the end of your FI's vows to you. It wouldn't be so noticeable that you didn't give him a ring that way, I think.

nickandmerritt · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_single-ring-exchange-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e654f3f5-ad21-4d26-9fd8-8b9493557747Post:9f99d5d1-9929-43f1-a563-acd657c7a779">Re: Single ring exchange? how does it work?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree, the phobia is odd but it stems from when he was a small child and he somehow managed to get a number of earrings (remember those 6 packs of earrings from Claire's or the like?) embedded in the sole of his foot. His sister left the earrings on the stairs, he somehow managed to step on them & the whole experience was traumatic. You really can't make this stuff up! He does gag at the thought of earrings, rings, bracelets, and the like. He has a phobia (irrational fear) that the jewelry is somehow going to end up in his mouth and he will gag on it - again - irrational fear. Oh well, it is one of his quirks. :) I'm ok with him not wearing the ring because I know the ring is just a symbol of our love and our commitment to each other is more than just a band of gold. <strong>That said, I do like the thought of a cheap band that we can use just for the ceremony. </strong>
Posted by dandywarhol[/QUOTE]

I don't understand--wouldn't that make the ceremony unnecessarily stressful for him?

Single ring exchange? how does it work?

Re: Single ring exchange? how does it work?

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