Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridal Shower issue (PLEASE HELP!!!)

Ok so... I called a meeting of the minds for my wedding crew to get things moving and felt ambushed by my future MIL... I decided to come to the boards to see what other people though about what to do. 

here's the story.... 

My FH and I have been together for 7 years, living together for 4. We also have a 2 year old daughter together. Ok... we've done things a little backwards. So at the meeting today, my MOH and my Mother were prepare to talk shower details. I'm an only child so for my mother, this is it.... she wants to do it up right, even if we've done it backwards.... 

And then my future MIL expresses how she feels it's tack for me to have a bridal shower which my MOH has already set aside money for and is ready to start moving on. She says it's stupid for me to have a shower and expect people to bring gifts since we've already been living together for over 4 years. And goes on and on... I'm practically in tears and it's like she doesn't even care about my mother's feelings or my feelings or anyone but her own. 

Then when we started "attempting to discuss" things.... I had mentioned looking into registering for a honeymoon somewhere. She then tells me that it's a horrible idea nd people will look at me like I'm asking for hand outs. 

After everyone left my MOH and mom called each other and decided they're throwing the shower regardless of her thoughts. I said that was fine... 

I guess what I'm asking is ... is she right? Is it really tacky to have a shower when we've been living together. Has anyone out there had a shower even though they lived with their FH already? Did anyone out there register for a honeymoon? 

Please help.... save my sanity and my tears because I'm a mess right now!

Re: Bridal Shower issue (PLEASE HELP!!!)

  • I think a large majority of people have lived with their FI's before marriage. It definately doesn't mean you cannot have a bridal shower. You're a bride.

    Some more traditional people might think a honeymoon registry is a little tacky. It is a newer thing. I would be okay with it as long as there are choices in different price ranges.
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  • Not all honeymoon registries will take a fee. I think Marriott offers a honeymoon registry without any fees.
  • Many people live together before getting married and still have showers.
    I would highly recommend not having any more "meetings" and talking to both mothers about the wedding separately.
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  • Well, I don't really think registering for a honeymoon is a good idea... it's becoming more popular lately, but it's still considered tacky by most people who care. If you want people to give you cash gifts, just don't register. The whole honeymoon registry thing is weird because most of those sites skim a commission off the top.

    As for the shower, I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with it if you already live with your FI, and I don't really think it's your FMIL's business. But were you planning on having the honeymoon registry for the shower? That would be weird. People generally do boxed gifts at a shower.
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  • She's half right and half wrong. It's completely fine to have a bridal shower that somebody else throws for you. Your MOH should go right ahead. It's incredibly rude of your FMIL to say that, and she's in the wrong.

    However, honeymoon registries are generally frowned upon, especially since they often charge guests a fee. I'd just stick with a traditional registry.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-issue-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7558ed16-534e-468f-8fda-e71ef91153c0Post:9029c124-bcbf-41f1-8e4e-ee9bcb4f63be">Bridal Shower issue (PLEASE HELP!!!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so... I called a meeting of the minds for my wedding crew to get things moving and felt ambushed by my future MIL... I decided to come to the boards to see what other people though about what to do.

    <strong>Wait, what?  Wedding "meetings" are generally frowned upon here.  You should plan your wedding and have zero involvement with planning your shower, other than the guest list.  Don't call meetings.  That's a bad idea.

    </strong> here's the story....  My FH and I have been together for 7 years, living together for 4. We also have a 2 year old daughter together. Ok... we've done things a little backwards. So at the meeting today, my MOH and my Mother were prepare to talk shower details. I'm an only child so for my mother, this is it.... she wants to do it up right, even if we've done it backwards....  And then my future MIL expresses how she feels it's tack for me to have a bridal shower which my MOH has already set aside money for and is ready to start moving on. She says it's stupid for me to have a shower and expect people to bring gifts since we've already been living together for over 4 years. And goes on and on... I'm practically in tears and it's like she doesn't even care about my mother's feelings or my feelings or anyone but her own.

    <strong>Well, then, your FMIL is a cow.  Don't let her get to you.  Stand up for yourself and tell her, "Times are changing, and we are having a shower.  Moving on..."  Everyone has an opinion.  Hers is stupid.

    </strong> Then when we started "attempting to discuss" things.... I had mentioned looking into registering for a honeymoon somewhere. She then tells me that it's a horrible idea nd people will look at me like I'm asking for hand outs.

    <strong>Cow or not, she was right about this.  HM registries are viewed as tacky by many, many people.  Including the majority here.  They are basically the same as asking for cash.

    </strong>  After everyone left my MOH and mom called each other and decided they're throwing the shower regardless of her thoughts. I said that was fine...  I guess what I'm asking is ... is she right? Is it really tacky to have a shower when we've been living together. Has anyone out there had a shower even though they lived with their FH already?

    <strong>FI and I have been living together for a year and we had a shower.  Ignore her on that point.

    </strong>Did anyone out there register for a honeymoon? 

    <strong>No.  She's right about this.  Don't.

    </strong>Please help.... save my sanity and my tears because I'm a mess right now!

    <strong>Relax.  People are going to express all kinds of ridiculous opinions in the process of wedding planning.  You have to learn to say, "Thanks, we'll think about that, moving on..." and not let them get to you.  </strong>
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  • I'm in the same situation and I'm having a shower. I was worried about the same thing but my aunt insisted. I think the honeymoon registery is VERY TACKY.
  • Thank you to everyone who wrote in. After talking to my mom and my MOH we're moving ahead with the shower as planned by them... the only involvement I'm having is the guest list. 

    I've nixed the idea of the HM registry... it was just a thought and now that I look back i think it's a bad idea too. I like the idea of registering for "upgrades" I think that's the route i'm going. 


  • I think most of us are in the same boat with living with FI and still having a shower.  FI moved in with me in Jan 2010.  We're getting married March 2011.  My MOH has mentioned hosting the shower already, and we started a regular registry, with some non-trad things.  I'd suggest doing that.  If you have most of the stuff for your house already, put some things on there that don't involve sheets and towels.  We have camping equiptment, since we're both really big into going to renaissance faires and camping there.  I wouldn't do the HM registry, that does seem kind of tacky to me.  I've never known anyone to do one.  
  • we got tons of checks and gift cards at our shower and we were registered. We had both been living on our own for years and I think people took that into consideration.

    I've definitely gone to showers and done a gift off a HM registry for it. if I can buy it online you usually get a larger gift since it is so convenient!
  • Don't register for anything involving upgrades, it's basically the same as a HM registry.

    FI and I have been living together for over 2.5 years.  We're thrilled with the bridal shower we had bc we've upgraded all of our Walmart grade stuff from college.  So, even if you've been living together for a while, it can help you get stuff that your would want, but not necessarily would spend the money on (esp with a child in the mix). 

  • I've lived with FI for about 5 years...I'm registering and having a bridal shower.

    Let your mom and MOH throw you what they want....they should invite FMIL.  She SHOULD come, but if she doesn't, try to let it go....
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  • edited April 2010
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  • Okay, I've been living with my FH for 4 years, we've been together for almost 6 and also have a two year old daughter (also did it backwards).  I just had my shower this past weekend, it was small and I did get gifts and no one seemed to mind.  I only had one aunt say anything about "I didn't need to have one" and she didn't go and she doesn't seem to be making a big deal about it.  Just because you did things backwards, which is pretty normal nowadays, doesn't mean you don't deserve to have one.
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