Insecurity

ltyka · March 2010

Hi - I've been reading these posts for 6 months, but never post myself. I'm 42 and have two kids, 20 & 14. I was (unhappily) married for 18 years before I had the guts to call it quits in 2007. As chance would have it, a long time family friend stepped in to help me and... well now he's my FI. It was a little messy, I'd filed for divorce, but it wasn't quite final when we started dating. We're now going on three years. Did I mention he's nearly 10 years younger than me? Yup. Life is messy, isn't it? Luckily, we appear about the same age, but obviously many people know.

It's his first wedding, and his family wants a big wedding. I didn't have one the first time so I was okay with that. We're both in good shape financially, thank goodness, so we're paying for it all ourselves and we don't have to account to anyone for any wedding decisions. We're having a pretty formal reception in a beautiful, historical ballroom. We have a fantastic caterer. It should be a really wonderful time, I hope, for everyone who attends.

Here's the thing though. Every step of the way, I get more and more insecure. Dress shops? They think I'm the mother! (Except the one where I got mine - they were great.) Stationary store - the woman was outwardly rude when she found out we weren't the parents of the bride. I'm excited about all the wedding planning, but everywhere I go, I feel a bit shunned for having a big (though I believe it to be classy) wedding the second time around. Add that to the weird feeling that people don't approve of the age difference, and it's kind of ruining the fun of the whole planning thing.

Funny, if I were 10 years younger than FI, no one would bat an eye! The thing is, it works. He's mature, can't have kids of his own, and has no baggage. It's awesome. I just wish people could see that. And that they could see that I want to share this special day with all our friends and family even though I was married before. After all, I've never married Jeff before! Goodness, I am old enough that I ought not let this stuff bother me. You'd think I was 22! : )

I am introducing myself, and venting a little. Thanks for listening!

right1thistime · March 2010

I am glad to hear you bought the dress from the shop that didn't presume you were the MOB. That's who SHOULD get your business. And if any vendor is rude- cross them off the list. If you were throwing a fancy event that WASN'T your wedding - would accept this treatment from any vendor? I highly doubt it. So...no sackcloth and ashes for you!! And no flagellation for robbing the cradle, either. My SIL is 9 years older than BIL, and they are 20 years older than the two of you and deliriously happy. Of all the things that matter in a relationship- chronological age is least important (once you are both adults - as in real adults, not 20 yr old, "I AM TOO grown up!! adults).

How does your 20 yr old view him? That's the one person who might be most judgemental of his age, since he's close (but not too much so) to that age as well.
Welcome! ~Donna

handfast4me · March 2010

My DH is 10 years younger than me, and I am PROUD of that fact. I dated 30 men (no kidding) in the years between my divorce and meeting DH, and those that were my age just couldn't keep up.

So, I'm right there with you. Remind people that women usually outlive their husbands, so marrying a man younger than you makes MUCH more sense than marrying someone your own age or older.

We didn't have a big wedding though, so I can't relate there, but just remember it's YOUR life, you have to live it, not anyone else.

AdelphiTN · March 2010

I'm right there with you too, my FI is 9 yrs younger than me. Anyone who actually knows us, knows that we are right for each other. And the others? I couldn't care less what they think. I suspect some of those women are secretly jealous that you get to have this wonderful experience when you are old enough to appreciate it!

Have a beautiful wedding and smile graciously at those who are not as blessed as you.

NJ Jen · March 2010

People have some nerve! I am glad you wouldn't give your money to those rude clerks!

Sue-n-Kevin · March 2010

People can be cruel. I'm older than YOU are, and planning a big to-do for my first wedding. My SON is old enough to be a groom, and my fiance has two kids over 25!

In my life I've dated men 10 yrs younger, 7 years younger (I have a child with that one), and 13 yrs OLDER than me. Age is a number, hearts are ageless.

Enjoy your planning process, don't dwell on the stupid statements by others, and feel like the lucky woman you are to have found love.

Good luck. Come by any time.

ltyka · March 2010

You are all awesome. Thank you!!!

nyrek · March 2010

We need to have our own "Second-Wives Club" and when crap like this happens...we can all ban together and go whoop some ignorant a$$!!!!

pamila51510 · March 2010

I feel like you should have yourself some pretty woman moments!!

Welcome to the board !!!

SFHsgirl · March 2010

Shame on those judgemental people. I hope you have a LARGE and IN CHARGE wedding. I am also having a large wedding this second time, first time we eloped. I had my mom actually say that i shouldn't wear a big dress because i am older now (I am 33) and it's my second marriage. I am TIRED of hearing "It's your second marriage"

Phew, guess i needed a mini vent as well.

thealphabride · March 2010

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!!!!

Wow, Pleople can be real horses asses.

If any other vendor gives you grief, just say "my money is as good as a first bride's money and unfortunately for you... you just lost my business, b. bye"
The invitation vendor? really? biotch.
I only had one comment from my DJ of all people. When I first booked him, he was giving me some references, and pointed me toward a shop that sold mother of the bride dresses and stated it as such.

I gave him the icy stare of dea, and he started to backpeddle pretty quickly.

2dBride · March 2010

I am 56, and married someone age 41. We planned things the way we wanted them, and practiced the icy stare of death for anyone who hinted we were "doing it wrong" because we were older, far apart in age, or of the same gender, or because I was previously married. I recommend learning to do the same. ;-)

ltyka · March 2010

I really, really love the icy stare of death. We've been practicing. I can't wait for someone to be rude... HA!

Thanks again!

cwcottage · May 2010

I'm new on this board so a little late chiming in here but wow! So many of you in the same boat as myself.

I was called a Cougar on the other boards lol I'm 47, was married 25+ years, separated 3 years, kids 26, 17 and 9 and my FI is 32 ha! I also dated several guys before I met him, both younger and older. I got along and had a better time in general with the younger ones. I can relate to the keeping up thing.

This is his first and he has no kids. That was an issue for me more then for him. I wanted him to make sure he knew 100% we would not have children together. He is Dad to my youngest two in every way but I still worried about later. He assures me but part of me still feels bad about that. He comes from a huge very close family too so I know how important kids are to him. I guess I must be worth it haha

It took a few months of me asking "are you sure you're okay with the age thing?". I'm only a couple years younger then his parents. But everyone has been awesome and there has not been one weird look or comment from either side of the families (and I asked him a lot about that in the begining). My oldest son and the FI are very close as well. I know that can be an issue. I am blessed. I keep waiting for raised eyebrows and it hasn't happened. And we are in a very rural area where people tend to be less open minded.

We are doing the big wedding. I didn't have one the first time and I want B to be able to have something very special. When I say big there are only about 60 guests but it will be an "event" with all the fixings lol The best part is it will bring all the people that love us and have supported us through these last 6 months (the ex has been a real douche).

There are so many variables with relationships when we get older. I'm so glad I took a couple of years to explore life and the options and not push myself into fitting into what society calls normal.

Life is good!

Insecurity

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