not sure how passive/vocal to be about FG issue

SB1512 · July 2012

I'm finally under a year until the wedding (yay)! FI has a niece who will be about 3.5 years old when we get married. When we first got engaged FI made a passing comment about how cute she'd look as a FG and I agreed. However, I've been thinking that having her as a FG may not be the best idea. She is a very very shy child, and it probably doesn't help that she doesn't have interaction with strangers or large groups of people (her grandparents watch her everyday during the week and her parents don't have her in any playgroups or anything). I'd say about twice a month FI's parents invite everyone over for dinner......everyone being me and FI, FI's sister and her husband, and FI's other sister, husband and niece. S, 6 people outside of niece's parents, and 4 of us that she doesn't see everyday. Each and everytime (the latest being yesterday) niece and her parents get there and she sees all of us sitting aruond the table she either screams for grandma/grandpa and runs or entangles herself between one of her parents legs and will not enter the room. It usually takes 10-15 minutes of coaxing to get her to come to where everyone else is. My concern is not that she'll have a meltdown on the weddding day and "ruin things", but rather that a. walking into an area/down the aisle where 200 people are watching will not be a pleasant experience for her and b. she would end up screaming/crying for one of her grandparents/parents and someone in FI's immediate family will end up missing the ceremony.

I understand the wedding is still a ways off and she will be a whole year older, but because of when she turns 3, she still will not have been in any sort of pre-school because our area only takes fall admissions so she will not have gained any exposure to large groups of people. My question is would it be wrong to just be completely passive about the issue and not mention having her as a FG and only voice my concerns for the child's potential uncomfortableness if the topic comes up from someone else like FMIL or FSIL? FI has been pretty hands off for wedding planning and my guess is that he thinks I'll just ask his sister about having niece as FG, but since I don't think it's a good idea, I won't be asking FSIL about it. Is that way too passive aggressive? If FI brings it up and really wants her in the wedding I'm not going to object, I just don't want to pro-actively involve her because I really think she'll hate it.

Mrs.B6302007 · July 2012

Did only you and FI discuss it or did you mention it to the family, too?

I wouldn't bring up anything about her social skills at all.

SB1512 · July 2012

It has not been mentioned with family. There are no social skill issues, usually 45 min to an hour after being around us at family dinners she opens up, and gets real talkative, it's just initial shyness and noticable uncomfortableness with large groups of unfamiliar people. I am a shy person as well and my mom said behaved pretty much the same way as a kid until I got into a school situation.

Mrs.B6302007 · July 2012

Well, I said social issues as a generalized statement. Kids that age are unpredictable, hence there can be social surprises, if that makes sense.

If you haven't brought it up to anyone other than your FI, then I don't really see any need to discuss it with anyone else. Just tell your FI that you've changed your mind and see what he says. You can say that you just feel it would be easier to have a kid-free BP.

SB1512 · July 2012

Thanks! Stage you def bring up a good point because this is a scenario I see happening.....FMIL: oh I found the cutest dress for X to wear as flower girl. Fi: great. Me: uhhh i have been meaning to talk about this.....FMIL: what? why wouldn't you want her in th wedding?! So yeah, I should probably be pro-active with FI about my concerns so we can avert a possible disaster. If he really wants her in it, I won't object, I just want to make him aware of the possibility that it could be really unpredictable and we may put his mom, dad or sister in the position of having to miss our vows if she a meltdown.

MrsGandthebeag · July 2012

I would definitely talk to your FI about your concerns. We didn't have a FG or RB at our wedding as it was adults only.

lyndausvi · July 2012

I also thing 3.5 years old is still young to be a flower girl unless there others around to help her down the aisle. For example, if one of her parents are in the wedding I don't have a problem with them walking her down.

Also, nearly a year is a long time for someone who is so young. So much development will happened in the next year, it could become a non-issue.

Personally I think you should talk to FI right now about it. If he still wants to consider her I would wait another 6-7 months to ask.

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

Our FG was three at the time of our wedding but both parents were in the WP. She did walk down the aisle (or kind of skip down it) by herself and she is normally shy around people she doesn't know. I'm not saying you have to have her in the WP--that's a discussion between you and FI--but just giving an example that it can work out OK; I wouldn't have pressured our FG into doing it, but she was up for it and excited to hold her flowers.

If you decide to not have her in the WP, definitely don't bring anything up to the family. Also, even if you just want an adults-only wedding, usually WP kids are the exception, so I think you are fine to still have a FG and keep the rest of the wedding adults-only without any problems if you do decide to go that route.

Sweetjadedtears · July 2012

I would also talk to your FI and see what he thinks. We had a similar concern with our FG so we sort of played it by ear until we got closer to the wedding. She's always been really shy (pretty much the same scenario that you described about dinner fits exactly for her), but pretty much since her 3rd birthday she's become a lot more comfortable around people and family. She was 3.5 at our wedding and did a great job as our FG, although her older brother was the RB, so they walked together and I think that helped. We also took her to the venue several times beforehand and made it a really special thing for her and her brother, so they were both super excited. Once she saw that she and I were both wearing white dresses and that we "matched and looked like princesses" (lol) on the day of the wedding, she was all gun-ho.

Every child is different, but if your FI is adamant about have her as a FG, would it be possible for you guys to take her to the venue a few times before the wedding, or something like that just to get comfortable ? I wouldn't mention anything to the family yet about her being a FG and if they ask, just say you haven't made a decision yet.

Good luck!

SB1512 · July 2012

Thank you everyone. We are not having an adult only reception :. Fmil is contributing and insisting all children on her side get invited. I think playing by ear is best if FI wants her in the wedding party. The other thing for us to consider is the ceremony is at 6:30 and reception seven to midnight. Niece has given up naps and is usually getting cranky right at that time. Again her ability to stay up later might change in a year but it could also add to the unpredictableness especially if there is no napping.

LesPaul · July 2012

Could she possibly walk with one or both of the Grandparents with whom she is comfortable, and then sit with them?

SB1512 · July 2012

Walking with someone is also a possibility. Her father is probably going to be a groomsmen so she could walk with him. Her mother is not in the WP and there will not be a RB. Or she could just walk in with her grandmother and grandfather when they get seated.

Bonzo2011 · July 2012

I would wait until maybe 5 months out from the wedding to make your final decision and talk to the parents. Thats what we did, so we could really judge whether the cousins we asked to be FGs/RB were ready. Even then, the mom of our RB didn't tell him until a month out since she was worried he would be either too excited and ask her every single day when the wedding was, or would get freaked out early on. He was 5, which seems to be a pretty typical age for FG/ RB. He did get freaked out by the full bridal party pictures, and didn't want to be in them, which was fine. I absolutely did not want to push him into anything he didn't want to do. He took pictures with FI and the groomsmen though. His dad stayed in the back to help as we got ready for the processional, which helped him a lot. He ended up holding the hand of our best woman to walk down the aisle, and it looked really sweet! Then he sat down in the front with his mom for the ceremony. I think you have to be really flexible and be ready to just go with the flow when you include kids in your wedding party. It's a great way to include kids you're close to, but things don't always go as planned! As long as you're ok with that though, just play it by ear and figure out the details when the time gets closer.

SB1512 · July 2012

Yup I like the idea of waiting. If we decided to have her as FG I think the rehearsal could be a good test run to see if it will really work. If she can't do it at rehearsal walking alone or with someone with only a small group present we can always change it up for the wedding and have her walk in with her grandparents to be seated or just have her be a guest. At any rate I would hope no one,FI, Fmil or fsil, would want to force her to keep the role if she truly appears uncomfortable with it

not sure how passive/vocal to be about FG issue

Re: not sure how passive/vocal to be about FG issue

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