Am I being an unreasonable Matron Of Honor? Money issue

Mrs M · April 2010

HI ladies. I am Matron of Honor for my best friend coming up this summer. I along with the other birdesmaids have planned a simple shower- we will be buying BBQ chicken from a local eatery and cake, everything else is being made by the local bridesmaids. I am and have already purchased about $200 worth of items for the shower and bachelorette party. THe chicken is estimated to cost about $300 to feed around 50 people and the cake will run about $50. There are 4 of us putting on the shower. I am out of town and so I have the expense of flying in for the shower and then the wedding as well along with my hubby and 2 kids for the wedding. My family is located in the same town as the bride, so we are staying with them.

I sent an email out to the bridesmaids and gave them each some responsibilities including making some simple salads and making a fruit and veggie tray. They all wanted me to give them responsibilities.I also told each person that I would need help paying for the chicken, cake and party items. I specifically stated that I would need a maximum of $50 from each girl to help cover the cost of the chicken and cake and party goods. While talking to one of the bridesmaids she mentioned that she had concerns with paying for the food because she had to make a fruit salad and veggie tray and that costs were adding up. I sent an email saying I understood and that I am not a money monger, I understand times are tough and I would try to work with her.

This girl has a decent job, no hubby or kids to support and has complained about money from the get go. She lives in a small apartment and drives a fairly cheap car. I have known her a while, but we are not that close.Do you think that $50 is unreasonable to ask for? I actually figured by the time I had purchased the paper goods and punch etc that if I were to divide it up equally that I should be asking for about $100 from each girl, but I am willing to eat the majority of the cost as Matron Of Honor, but I can not eat the whole cost of everything by myself, I can not afford it. This is the cheapest way we can do a shower for the bride. We are holding it at her parents home to cut down on the cost as she wanted it to be held there.

So any words of advice from anyone who has been in this situation I would appreciate it. I do not post a lot so please forgive me if my sentences run in to each other- I have attempted to paragraph it as much as I can. Thanks!

SarahPLiz · April 2010

You don't get to decide how other people spend their money or what they can afford. You should have asked them their budget and then planned accordingly.

I suggest you scale down if possible, especially if invites haven't gone out yet. 50 people is a lot for a shower. Do you really want to sit there while the bride opens 50 gifts? I don't.

mbcdefg · April 2010

Instead of saying, "You owe me $X," what you SHOULD have said was, "How much can you afford to contribute? If you can't afford to give money, is there anything else you would like to do, such as make the invitations or come early to decorate?"

You should've gotten their budgets before you committed to a certain price tag for the shower. You shouldn't have set a budget that the bridesmaids couldn't fulfill, or that you couldn't pay for on your own if the need came up. Lesson learned ... next time, get people's input beforehand, don't just delegate tasks and hand out invoices (I understand that they asked you to assign duties, but not everyone is cool with that, which it appears that this girl wasn't).

Also, don't assume that you know someone's financial situation. Maybe she's living in a small apartment and driving a cheap car because she really CAN'T afford to spend more. Maybe she is supporting a family member and that's where all her money goes. I know people who have tons of stuff and are always spending money so I assumed they were well-off, but then I found out that they were charging everything and were in debt up to their eyeballs. Other people's finances are none of your business. If they tell you what they can/can't afford to spend, then you need to take that at face value. Period.

Bottom line - you can't force anyone to give you money. Especially if you didn't get her input from the beginning as to how much everyone should contribute. Ask her if she can afford to give anything and then go from there. Or nix the $50 cake and instead ask her if she can buy a few boxes of cake/brownie mix and make the dessert herself, and see if that's a compromise that she'll go for.

gottahavashorti · April 2010

You don't know what kind of student loans, medical bills or other old debt she has, if she's saving for a house, helping an unemployed family member, etc.

It is unreasonable because you didn't ask her about it ahead of time. A shower should be planned based on a budget that all of the hosts are comfortable with rather than planning the shower, then telling people how much they owe.

Is it too late to cut down the guest list, move the shower to a non-meal time or return some of the items you've purchased? $550 plus salads and fruit and veggie trays is a lot IMO, my shower had about 25 guests and I doubt it ran that much.

emilyinchile · April 2010

I think you went about this a little backward. You are MOH, which means you might take the lead on planning, but it doesn't mean you alone decide what all the BMs will be doing and how much that will cost. You should have gotten in touch with them before making plans to ask how much they could each do, both in terms of making things and chipping in financially. Since you didn't, you now have to accept that this BM is telling you her budget and ask her how much she IS able to put in - and respect that amount.

This also isn't "the cheapest way you can do a shower." You could plan it not during a mealtime and serve cake and snacks rather than chicken. You could have told the bride that you were only able to host X number of people (50 is a lot!). Because it sounds like you as MOH chose to do things this way, it's your responsibility to pay for any extras. If I'm wrong, and you all decided on this together and were aware of the costs before agreeing to it (ie. this BM is going back on an amount she originally promised you), then it's her responsibility to pay what she said she would. It's not too late to change the party - if it's this summer, presumably no one has been invited yet, so you could change the guest list and/or what you're serving.

vsgal · April 2010

Did you discuss costs with the other girls before you started planning and buying? If you did not, you have to respect the fact that they could be adverse to spending the money--even if it is only $50. Your perception that the others have the money and should have no problem spending it is not fair. You have no idea what is going on in their lives and what they deem important to spend their money on. If you did not talk specifically about money before hand, you may have to eat the majority of the costs. If someone offers to give you money--take it. But you can't dictate what people should spend.

Mrs M · April 2010

The thing is I did discuss things with everyone ahead of time, and sent out several emails after we all decided what we would be doing for the shower. She agreed that it sounded good but is now saying it costs too much. I would understand if she lost her job or something like that, but she even complained to the bride about the dress that was picked, even though the whole time she kept saying- I will go along with whatever you want. The bridesmaids did have input and asked me to please give them jobs to do. I guess I am confused becuase she agreed initially to the money, but is now saying no she thinks $50 is too much- what to do?

SarahPLiz · April 2010

I think the issue is that she asked you for a job to do. She offerred services, not money. Perhaps you should have asked her to help make some decorations, etc, instead of buying them all yourself.

I still say you should scale back your plans. The other ladies gave you great suggestions on how you can do that.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-unreasonable-matron-of-honor-money-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6fbbc1e7-8e62-402e-942d-b6ed40843074Post:12a9dbc7-3bc7-4c94-8dc3-57a9f6bb6aec">Am I being an unreasonable Matron Of Honor? Money issue</a>:
[QUOTE]HI ladies. I am Matron of Honor for my best friend coming up this summer. I along with the other birdesmaids have planned a simple shower- we will be buying BBQ chicken from a local eatery and cake, everything else is being made by the local bridesmaids. I am and have already purchased about $200 worth of items for the shower and bachelorette party. THe chicken is estimated to cost about $300 to feed around 50 people and the cake will run about $50. There are 4 of us putting on the shower. I am out of town and so I have the expense of flying in for the shower and then the wedding as well along with my hubby and 2 kids for the wedding. My family is located in the same town as the bride, so we are staying with them. I sent an email out to the bridesmaids and gave them each some responsibilities including making some simple salads and making a fruit and veggie tray. They all wanted me to give them responsibilities.I also told each person that I would need help paying for the chicken, cake and party items. I specifically stated that I would need a maximum of $50 from each girl to help cover the cost of the chicken and cake and party goods. While talking to one of the bridesmaids she mentioned that she had concerns with paying for the food because she had to make a fruit salad and veggie tray and that costs were adding up. I sent an email saying I understood and that I am not a money monger, I understand times are tough and I would try to work with her. This girl has a decent job, no hubby or kids to support and has complained about money from the get go. She lives in a small apartment and drives a fairly cheap car. I have known her a while, but we are not that close.Do you think that $50 is unreasonable to ask for? I actually figured by the time I had purchased the paper goods and punch etc that if I were to divide it up equally that I should be asking for about $100 from each girl, but I am willing to eat the majority of the cost as Matron Of Honor, but I can not eat the whole cost of everything by myself, I can not afford it. This is the cheapest way we can do a shower for the bride. We are holding it at her parents home to cut down on the cost as she wanted it to be held there. So any words of advice from anyone who has been in this situation I would appreciate it. I do not post a lot so please forgive me if my sentences run in to each other- I have attempted to paragraph it as much as I can. Thanks!
Posted by Mrs M[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yep, you are out of line here. You don't tell people what they owe, and her finances are certainly none of your business.</div><div>
</div><div>You should have gone to each girl and asked if they wanted to help, and if so, what amount of money/stuff could they do. You have no right to tell her she needs to pay $50. Since this is your faux pas, you need to eat the $50.
<div>
</div><div>

</div></div>

emilyinchile · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-unreasonable-matron-of-honor-money-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6fbbc1e7-8e62-402e-942d-b6ed40843074Post:4055f2e7-86b0-4019-b8b9-b8769b7e4e4d">Re: Am I being an unreasonable Matron Of Honor? Money issue</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is I did discuss things with everyone ahead of time, and sent out several emails after we all decided what we would be doing for the shower. She agreed that it sounded good but is now saying it costs too much. I would understand if she lost her job or something like that, but she even complained to the bride about the dress that was picked, even though the whole time she kept saying- I will go along with whatever you want. The bridesmaids did have input and asked me to please give them jobs to do. I guess I am confused becuase she agreed initially to the money, but is now saying no she thinks $50 is too much- what to do?
Posted by Mrs M[/QUOTE]

If she initially said "yes, I will pay $50 and make the fruit platter" then I would hold her to that by saying something like "BM, I've been planning around the budgets that people gave me, and since you said you'd pay $50, I can't afford to have you reimburse me less than that." If she said yes to the $50, but the platters were added later, you have to respect that her total budget is $50 and change the plans accordingly.

Thanks for clarifying - from your OP it sounded like you chose what you were going to do and they asked you to let them know how they could help.

mbcdefg · April 2010

But how did you ask about what they can spend? Did you ask, "What can you all afford to contribute?" or did you say, "Can everyone afford to give me $50?"

If it's the former, then I agree that she should hold up her end of the deal. But then again, you never know what might have happened in her life where $50 is suddenly a hardship.

If it's the latter, then she may have felt pressured or embarrassed into agreeing with that price (especially if this was a group e-mail where everyone was CC'ed, or a group discussion ... would YOU want to be the odd man out if everyone, possibly people you don't even know very well, said that they could afford $50?)

But, either way ... again, you cannot force someone to give you money. Ask her what she CAN contribute (either money, setting up/cleaning up, making something or doing a project, etc.), and go from there. Scale back your plans if you cannot afford them without her monetary input, or find a way to afford it yourself.

suz62984 · April 2010

Ditto on Sarah. However, I will add that No, I don't think $50 is unreasonable. Try to scale down if you can.

AdeleDazeem · April 2010

I completely agree with Emily's second post after reading all the clarifications.

quotequeen · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-unreasonable-matron-of-honor-money-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6fbbc1e7-8e62-402e-942d-b6ed40843074Post:4055f2e7-86b0-4019-b8b9-b8769b7e4e4d">Re: Am I being an unreasonable Matron Of Honor? Money issue</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is I did discuss things with everyone ahead of time, and sent out several emails after we all decided what we would be doing for the shower. She agreed that it sounded good but is now saying it costs too much. I would understand if she lost her job or something like that, but she even complained to the bride about the dress that was picked, even though the whole time she kept saying- I will go along with whatever you want. The bridesmaids did have input and asked me to please give them jobs to do. I guess I am confused becuase she agreed initially to the money, but is now saying no she thinks $50 is too much- what to do?
Posted by Mrs M[/QUOTE]

Did these emails include how much everything was going to cost and what each person's share would be? Just sending an email saying "hey, how does everybody feel about getting chicken for the shower" is not the same thing. It sounds like the real issue is that the $50 is on top of the cost to make the fruit salad or whatever - perhaps the bridesmaid was not anticipating that.

lalap69 · April 2010

You can't plan the shower that you want and then tell people what they have to contribute to it to pull it off. You ask people what they can afford to contribute and then plan based on that.

Sorry, this is your mistake and yes, you are being unreasonable.

Also, what anyone makes or how they spend their money is none of your business.

lalap69 · April 2010

Okay, hadn't read through the comments. I agree with Emily from your clarification.

emilykathleen511 · April 2010

I want to know if she agreed to pay $50 ON TOP of buying some trays of food, or if she thought her TOTAL budget would be $50? It sounds like $50 was her TOTAL budget. In that case, you need to respect the fact that you are asking for more than what she budgeted for the shower.

duckie1905 · April 2010

At this point it doesn't matter if you think she can afford $50 or not. It doesn't even matter if she said she could afford it. She says she can't now and I think she should be accommodated as much as possible. Financial situations change.

noodle_oo · April 2010

I agree that the proper thing to do is ask people's budgets ahead of time.

However, I will also say this: I have NEVER been asked my budget (as a BM) ahead of time and I have often just been told "you owe me $X for the shower". I think this is rude, but you go with it. Also, in all these cases, $X has been between $100 and $200, so I think $50 plus a fruit platter is perfectly reasonable.

Just trying to add a dose of reality to the discussion!

ladydiy2004 · April 2010

From what I learned on here is all bridesmaids are required to do is buy the dress and show up. lol

CA2MT4EveR · April 2010

Why does a cake need to cost $50? Costco and Walmart have perfectly acceptable cakes for less than that

banana468 · April 2010

Did the BM know it would be $50 or did you say, "Hey, what can you chip in?"

That's two separate things.

And honestly, at one point, $50 can be not too much but then it can be just one more thing. DH and I make good money but just in the last week, here is what we've faced:
-Flooded FINISHED basement
-AC stopped working on my car
-Car is burning oili and has engine issues

And before that, we budgeted for a day in NYC on Friday so it was too late to NOT do that.

Just some food for thought - sometimes things come up unexpectedly and the result is that you need to either absorb what she can pay or scale back the shower.

LarissaAnn · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-unreasonable-matron-of-honor-money-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6fbbc1e7-8e62-402e-942d-b6ed40843074Post:a5994d6c-b09e-4a49-b652-74aab2e42751">Re: Am I being an unreasonable Matron Of Honor? Money issue</a>:
[QUOTE]At this point it doesn't matter if you think she can afford $50 or not. It doesn't even matter if she said she could afford it. She says she can't now and I think she should be accommodated as much as possible. Financial situations change.
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]
I disagree. If she said she can do $50 plus platters, and now backs out AFTER things have been ordered, planned, and purchased, that's not cool & she should pay up. If there's still wiggle room because things HAVEN'T been ordered & purchased, then there's a little wiggle room.<div>
</div><div>But if the BM is already buying stuff for platters such that "costs are adding up," it sounds like this shower is in the near future & the MOH is already on the hook for the expenses the BM promised to help cover.</div>

LarissaAnn · April 2010

True, but my issue is if it's too late and they actually can't cut back and the MOH can't afford it either. It really puts her in a bad position, and as a BM I'd traverse hell and high water to live up to my promises.

Actually, I do that whether I'm a BM or not.

But at any rate, MOH asked if she was being unreasonable, and if these are the circs, she's not. It's really the BMs obligation to exhaust all resources first.

markandtiffany · April 2010

You are NOT being unreasonable. When people accept the offer of being a bridesmaid, they know that there will be costs involved beyond the price of the dress.

banana468 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-unreasonable-matron-of-honor-money-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6fbbc1e7-8e62-402e-942d-b6ed40843074Post:8dfcc5b7-a587-4213-9464-22bc8bc7c355">Re: Am I being an unreasonable Matron Of Honor? Money issue</a>:
[QUOTE]You are NOT being unreasonable. When people accept the offer of being a bridesmaid, they know that there will be costs involved beyond the price of the dress.
Posted by markandtiffany[/QUOTE]

False.

Being a BM means buying a dress. The rest is traditional but not by nature "part" of the BM experience. It's rude to expect others to pay if they didn't consent to the payment.

If they DID consent to it then they're not being good by leaving the OP holding the check with no money to pay for it.

emilyinchile · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-unreasonable-matron-of-honor-money-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6fbbc1e7-8e62-402e-942d-b6ed40843074Post:8dfcc5b7-a587-4213-9464-22bc8bc7c355">Re: Am I being an unreasonable Matron Of Honor? Money issue</a>:
[QUOTE]You are NOT being unreasonable. When people accept the offer of being a bridesmaid, they know that there will be costs involved beyond the price of the dress.
Posted by markandtiffany[/QUOTE]

First, read Banana's response.

Now, let's assume that ok, you as a traditional BM do assume that you'll be putting in some money for a shower. You may think that means $25, and if suddenly you're being asked for $100 because the other BMs want to do something more expensive, that's a lot. Just "knowing that there will be costs involved" doesn't mean that all BMs are going to be on the same page about those costs, which is why all hosts need to discuss budget and stick to it before committing to any plans.

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