Deleted due to abuse

MyNameIsNot · July 2012

Take a deep breath and realize that they can't ruin the wedding. If one or both of them don't show up, they look like the idiots. You'll still be there and still get married, and it really won't matter.

As for the one that talks badly about you and says that you are not the one, this is a conversation you should be having with your FI. He is choosing to remain friends (and honor the friendship) with someone who is outwardly opposed to your wedding and behaves this way toward you. Your FI is tolerating this behavior, and he needs to tell you why. Ask him what he would do if he found out that one of your friends was telling you that you should end things with him. Obviously, he would want you to tell her to stop, or if she wouldn't, end the friendship. Why does he not owe you the same allegiance? His allowing this guy to say this things about you is the same as saying bad things about you to his friends, and it's not ok.

ETA: WTF? I was responding to a post about unreliable GMs

kmmssg · July 2012

Seriously? Once you post something you leave it up. If you have another question or issue then you start a new thread.

So many things wrong here:

1. You do NOT ask someone to be in your WP based on how much they can do for you. You ask because you want to honor them in you life. Their responsibility is to buy the dress, show up on time, and smile for pictures. They don't help you plan the wedding. Your FI does that.

2. If she knows intimate details of your sex life SHAME ON YOU FOR BLABBING THEM. You keep sex life, arguments, and personal issues between you and FI, you don't share them with others. I truly can't imagine this one.

3. firing someone from the bridal party is a relationship ending move. It is your fault if you chose her for the wrong reasons, but if she didn't sleep with your FI or try to kill someone, you don't remove her from the wedding party.

4. Your friends are blowing smoke up your backside. NO ONE should have to understand that they were fired from being a MOH so you could keep peace in your family and have your sister as MOH. If you wanted your sister in the wedding you could have just added her and had 2 MOH's.

Stop trying to reach out to the girl you fired to include her in the wedding. You fired her. She wasn't good enough to be MOH but you still want her to be involved? Really? You may be angry with how she has been acting but you handled it poorly. You could have sat her down and talked to her about how you felt but you ditched her instead. Removing her from your wedding party is relationship ending. Probably how she sees it too.

BrittneyRN · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b02466c-534a-4930-acda-067ee6c66ae3Post:24f68eb1-12d9-4b61-a6d6-3dbcf7b9df7d">Re: Bridesmaid/MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously? Once you post something you leave it up. If you have another question or issue then you start a new thread. So many things wrong here: 1. You do NOT ask someone to be in your WP based on how much they can do for you. You ask because you want to honor them in you life. Their responsibility is to buy the dress, show up on time, and smile for pictures. They don't help you plan the wedding. Your FI does that. 2. If she knows intimate details of your sex life SHAME ON YOU FOR BLABBING THEM. You keep sex life, arguments, and personal issues between you and FI, you don't share them with others. I truly can't imagine this one. 3. firi
ng someone from the bridal party is a relationship ending move. It is your fault if you chose her for the wrong reasons, but if she didn't sleep with your FI or try to kill
someone, you don't remove her from the wedding party. 4. Your friends are blowing smoke up your backside. NO ONE should have to understand that they were fired
from being a MOH so you could keep peace in your family and have your sister as MOH. If you wanted your sister in the wedding you could have just added her and had 2
MOH's. Stop trying to reach out to the girl you fired to include her in the wedding. You fired her. She wasn't good enough to be MOH but you still want her to
be involved? Really? You may be angry with how she has been acting but you handled it poorly. You could have sat her down and talked to her about
how you felt but you ditched her instead. Removing her from your wedding party is relationship ending. Probably how she sees it too.
Posted by
kmmssg[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this.

You don't choose your MOH based on who will help you the most.

It's also bull that you tried to make yourself feel better by telling her that you're "relieving" her of some of her duties. The MOHs only duty is to buy a dress and show up.

calliopeia2013 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b02466c-534a-4930-acda-067ee6c66ae3Post:c51dbc86-ec58-443a-bebc-a7ed0d9b9614">Bridesmaid/MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I had asked a friend of mine from high school to be my MOH. this was mostly because she lives closest to me, and i figured she'd be able to help more, and be more of a supporting foundation. She threw my fiance and i an engagement party about a month ago. We were really looking forward to it, thinking it was going to be a night celelbrating our engagement. When we got there, it was everything but that. We realized it was just a party, that had absolutely nothing to do with us, and we were a little insulted. (we never asked for a party, but we were excited when she wanted to have one). During the party, she had a little too much to drink, and started blabbing intimate secrets (about our sex life) as well as making things up that never happened. She made everyone feel uncomfortable, and no matter how many times i asked her to stop, she wouldnt. She never apologized, and has barely spoken to me since. A couple of days after the party there was a wedding show that I had bought us tickets to. I waited for her for the better portion of two hours, and she never showed up. (she didnt answer any calls or texts either). I ended up not going, because i didnt want to go alone, and none of my other bm's are in the same city. I ended up making the difficult decision to replace her as MOH, and make my sister my MOH instead. (this had been an issue causing tension in my family since the engagement so I was going to do it even before the party fiasco and the standing me up at the bridal show) When I told her, i explained that it was solely because I wanted everything to be okay with my sister, and that abviously she didnt mean anyless to me. I told her i was alleviating some responsibility off of her, and she can still be involved as much as she wants. She responded with "Okay". and hasn't spoken to me since. I have asked friends of mine, if they think i did the right thing ad i have gotten the same answers from everyone "if she was really your best friend, she would understand that you need to have your sister as MOH" and "after what she did at the party, she should be happy you still want her in your bridal party" Any suggestions on how to handle the situation? should I keep asking her to come do wedding things with me, or just leave it alone? I want her to be a part of the wedding and the process, but at the same time, im angry with her for how shes been acting.
Posted by daniponzio[/QUOTE]

Quoting because you seem to have deleted your last post.

OP, you were TOTALLY out of line to kick her out of the MOH position. Once you ask someone, you can't unask them. (If you were getting pressure from your family to have your sister be MOH, you should have just had two MOHs.) It's a friendship-ending move to demote someone (as in, if you do it do someone, they are justified in ending their friendship with you.) Your friends who are telling you otherwise don't seem to know very much about weddings. Or apparently real life. So, she is completely justified in not speaking to you, and, if I were you, I would probably not expect her to show up at the wedding unless you go begging for forgiveness.

It looks like the first mistake you made was asking someone to be your MOH for convenience, instead of based on who was emotionally closest to you. NOT a good call. I also don't understand what you expected out of the engagement party- an engagement party is usually exactly what you described--a party. Not much to do with a couple except maybe a toast at some point in the evening. So you were out of line to expect more.

Sounds like she screwed up at the party by talking too much about your sex life, and you're right to be pissed about that, but the way you handle that is to talk with her after the party. Same deal with flaking on the bridal show. Either way, you're claiming that these things had nothing to do with your decision to demote her, so they don't matter anyway. What matters now is that you did. It doesn't sound liek you like this girl all that much, so, you know, if you don't want to be friends with her anymore, you can let things lie. She might come to the wedding out of a sense of responsibility, but I'm pretty sure between your being unappreciative of the e-party and the demotion, you will not be having a friendship with her going forward. Or you can grovel and see if you can repair things, which is pretty much your only option if you want to stay friends.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b02466c-534a-4930-acda-067ee6c66ae3Post:c51dbc86-ec58-443a-bebc-a7ed0d9b9614">Bridesmaid/MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I had asked a friend of mine from high school to be my MOH. this was mostly because she lives closest to me, and i figured she'd be able to help more, and be more of a supporting foundation. She threw my fiance and i an engagement party about a month ago. We were really looking forward to it, thinking it was going to be a night celelbrating our engagement. When we got there, it was everything but that. We realized it was just a party, that had absolutely nothing to do with us, and we were a little insulted. (we never asked for a party, but we were excited when she wanted to have one). During the party, she had a little too much to drink, and started blabbing intimate secrets (about our sex life) as well as making things up that never happened. She made everyone feel uncomfortable, and no matter how many times i asked her to stop, she wouldnt. She never apologized, and has barely spoken to me since. A couple of days after the party there was a wedding show that I had bought us tickets to. I waited for her for the better portion of two hours, and she never showed up. (she didnt answer any calls or texts either). I ended up not going, because i didnt want to go alone, and none of my other bm's are in the same city. I ended up making the difficult decision to replace her as MOH, and make my sister my MOH instead. (this had been an issue causing tension in my family since the engagement so I was going to do it even before the party fiasco and the standing me up at the bridal show) When I told her, i explained that it was solely because I wanted everything to be okay with my sister, and that abviously she didnt mean anyless to me. I told her i was alleviating some responsibility off of her, and she can still be involved as much as she wants. She responded with "Okay". and hasn't spoken to me since. I have asked friends of mine, if they think i did the right thing ad i have gotten the same answers from everyone "if she was really your best friend, she would understand that you need to have your sister as MOH" and "after what she did at the party, she should be happy you still want her in your bridal party" Any suggestions on how to handle the situation? should I keep asking her to come do wedding things with me, or just leave it alone? I want her to be a part of the wedding and the process, but at the same time, im angry with her for how shes been acting.
Posted by daniponzio[/QUOTE]

Wow. There is just so much wrong in here I don't know where to start. Just reread every word that kmmssg wrote and pretend I said it - especially the part about your friends blowing smoke up your ass (unless of course you are all just out of high school. In that case it is just general immaturity at play here).

One thing I will add is that if I were your FI, I would be pissed as all hell that you blabbed your sex life to her. Sex talk in general is one thing. Letting anyone know the specifics of your sex life with the man who is supposed to be the love of your life is completely out of bounds. It shows zero respect for him or the relationship. How would you feel if his friends were privy to this information? That is honestly something that would make me reconsider marrying a person.

banana468 · July 2012

Ditto everything kmmssg said.

RebeccaB88 · July 2012

On board with kmmssg as well. Read what she wrote. Read it again.

The only thing I'm willing to give you here is that the bridesmaid acted inappropriately at the party, by getting plastered and blabbing. However, YOU gave her the private information to blab about. She wouldn't have done that if you had kept your mouth shut. I'm surprised your groom isn't pissed beyond belief about that.

Aside from that:

1. If it was that important to you that your sister be MOH, you should have asked her in the first place. If you'd handled it right, you could have had both of them as MOHs. Instead you kick someone out to make room for the person who was second best to begin with. Two wrongs, right there.

2. You chose your MOH at first because she lived closer to you, therefore you could make her do more work for you. Seriously? If you need help, you have a FI or you can hire someone.

3. An engagement party is just a party, with 'in honor of' stamped on it. What were you expecting, fireworks and a musical revue? Did you thank her for the party?

4. If you're so dependent on others that you can't go to a bridal show alone, then you're not independent enough to get married. I went to two of them alone, and I wouldn't do it any other way. I got everything I needed without dragging anyone along with me, making them wait on me while I talked to vendors, or listening to them complain about it. There's no requirement that she go with you to those things.

5. She's not speaking to you right now because she's probably considering the friendship to be over - and rightly so. Why would she want to be friends with someone who treated her like that? You fired her because you were disappointed that she didn't meet your too-high expectations. I don't blame her for not wanting to be in your wedding anymore.

6. Your friends are being just as bratty as you are.

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

I'm not going to repeat everything PPs said because they said it well and I agree with them. But I wanted to say I won't be surprised if she doesn't ever speak to you again. I wouldn't if someone who was supposed to be a good friend kicked me out because I didn't do enough for her wedding. You have probably gone and ruined a friendship over this. Was it worth it?

MyNameIsNot · July 2012

Woah. So you are blabbing the intimate details of your relationship to friends, and your FI is allowing his friend to trash talk you and tell your FI that he shouldn't be marrying you.

This sounds like it's going to be a great marriage.

daniponzio · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b02466c-534a-4930-acda-067ee6c66ae3Post:0acfa267-5dfe-4508-92d2-6826187ec008">Re: Bridesmaid/MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not going to repeat everything PPs said because they said it well and I agree with them. But I wanted to say I won't be surprised if she doesn't ever speak to you again. I wouldn't if someone who was supposed to be a good friend kicked me out because I didn't do enough for her wedding. You have probably gone and ruined a friendship over this. Was it worth it?
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Just wanted to clarify that I didnt kick her out because she didnt do enough. I havent asked her for anything, and I am planning the whole thing myself. I don't know where everyone is getting this. I also never asked her, she just assumed that she was going to be the MOH (i didn't make that clear in my initial post, and I apologize.) and me not wanting to hurt anyones feelings, didnt know how to tell her she wasn't. I'm not a confrontational person.</div><div>Just thought I would clarify that for everyone. Thanks.</div>

Simply Fated · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b02466c-534a-4930-acda-067ee6c66ae3Post:70e63275-d49e-446d-aff2-ba97d7e4cf61">Re: Bridesmaid/MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid/MOH issues : Just wanted to clarify that I didnt kick her out because she didnt do enough. I havent asked her for anything, and I am planning the whole thing myself. I don't know where everyone is getting this. I also never asked her, she just assumed that she was going to be the MOH (i didn't make that clear in my initial post, and I apologize.) and me not wanting to hurt anyones feelings, didnt know how to tell her she wasn't. I'm not a confrontational person. Just thought I would clarify that for everyone. Thanks.
Posted by daniponzio[/QUOTE]

<div><span style="background-color:#ebf4fb;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;"> You said in your post that you chose her because she lived closer to you and therefore would be able to help more.</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ebf4fb;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">
</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ebf4fb;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">Don't throw words like "abuse" around. No one here abused you.</span></div>

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b02466c-534a-4930-acda-067ee6c66ae3Post:70e63275-d49e-446d-aff2-ba97d7e4cf61">Re: Bridesmaid/MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid/MOH issues : Just wanted to clarify that I didnt kick her out because she didnt do enough.<strong> I havent asked her for anything, and I am planning the whole thing myself. I don't know where everyone is getting this.</strong> I also never asked her, she just assumed that she was going to be the MOH (i didn't make that clear in my initial post, and I apologize.) and me not wanting to hurt anyones feelings, didnt know how to tell her she wasn't. I'm not a confrontational person. Just thought I would clarify that for everyone. Thanks.
Posted by daniponzio[/QUOTE]

This was from your OP you deleted (you were quoted, so it's still going to be here regardless):

"I had asked a friend of mine from high school to be my MOH.<u> this was mostly because she lives closest to me, and i figured she'd be able to help more</u>, and be more of a supporting foundation. "
That's where people are getting that the main reason you wanted her as MOH was because she would help you more. You can't backtrack on something that was quoted, and absolutely no one abused you. Please don't throw that word around. You were told you were acting like a brat and seriously hurt a friendship over your wedding. That is not abuse; that's the hard truth.

daniponzio · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b02466c-534a-4930-acda-067ee6c66ae3Post:53da9cf3-6022-4d4c-88d1-ef2dd1f339a1">Re:Deleted due to abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]Fixed that for ya! You're welcome. :D
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Thanks! I can sleep better now knowing you did that!</div>

banana468 · July 2012

I think you may need to read up on abuse. That you even think this comes close to abuse makes me so angry.

kmmssg · July 2012

ditto Banana. OP - you need to grow up a lot before you even consider marriage because you can't even handle defending what you post - you keep deleting.

zitiqueen · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b02466c-534a-4930-acda-067ee6c66ae3Post:11400e76-6ac5-4fee-a97e-77f10ae9d94f">Re:Deleted due to abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Deleted due to abuse : Thanks! I can sleep better now knowing you did that!
Posted by daniponzio[/QUOTE]

Eh, why not?

LittleMissCutiePie · July 2012

Can I just say, as someone who was in an abusive relationship for three years, that calling us abusers because we don't shoot sunshine up your ass is really REALLY rude? Hell, I don't even have to be someone who's recovered from an abusive relationship to see that. Dude, grow up.

banana468 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b02466c-534a-4930-acda-067ee6c66ae3Post:60b4bbd5-f15d-4847-9f84-8cfdebec8bdb">Re: Deleted due to abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]Can I just say, as someone who was in an abusive relationship for three years, that calling us abusers because we don't shoot sunshine up your ass is really REALLY rude? Hell, I don't even have to be someone who's recovered from an abusive relationship to see that. Dude, grow up.
Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

I was in a verbally abusive relationship. What I read here doesn't even come close.

SugarFoote · July 2012

^^^StageManager, I couldn't help myself hahaha!

Dude, nobody abused you. Stop being a pansy.

ETA: Your profile says NOVEMBER 2014! Why did you even have an MOH to kick out?

MyNameIsNot · July 2012

Calling this abuse is a big slap in the face to anyone that has actually had to deal with abuse. Abuse is not a joke or something for you to make light of when you don't like the advice you get.

You really need to grow up.

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

The only abuse I see here is your treatment of the people you supposedly call friends. Calling you out for bad behavior is not abusive.

Deleted due to abuse

Re: Deleted due to abuse

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