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Wedding Etiquette Forum
2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??
I was coerced into having my first marriage by my parents because I was pregnant, I was only 16. We didn't have a real wedding or anything, it was lame and we ended up at some Country Harvest Buffet for the "reception".
We lived together for maybe about 6 months to a year, we were always broke and he never worked (collected welfare) and he used to abuse me.
Anyways, shortly after that I left him and stayed away. It took me over 10 years to get my life right (going back to school, college graduate, and landing a great job) Now that my life is back on track I was LUCKY to have met a real good man, who loves me and cares for me and my child. I never had a real wedding and I dream of this.
My Mom claims its the "devil" working in me, I shouldn't get married because its against GODS law and its not honorable to have a 2nd wedding. Because of this I am motivated to have a beautiful wedding and show everyone you can have a 2nd chance at real happiness. Until my Mom apologizes for her obscene outbursts, I have no interest in her attending. Any advice of what kinda etiquette should I show or provide for a 2nd wedding? Support or kind words are always and definitely appreciated.
We lived together for maybe about 6 months to a year, we were always broke and he never worked (collected welfare) and he used to abuse me.
Anyways, shortly after that I left him and stayed away. It took me over 10 years to get my life right (going back to school, college graduate, and landing a great job) Now that my life is back on track I was LUCKY to have met a real good man, who loves me and cares for me and my child. I never had a real wedding and I dream of this.
My Mom claims its the "devil" working in me, I shouldn't get married because its against GODS law and its not honorable to have a 2nd wedding. Because of this I am motivated to have a beautiful wedding and show everyone you can have a 2nd chance at real happiness. Until my Mom apologizes for her obscene outbursts, I have no interest in her attending. Any advice of what kinda etiquette should I show or provide for a 2nd wedding? Support or kind words are always and definitely appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??
I think I'm familiar with your mom's thought process here. Is she saying this is wrong because there were no scriptural grounds for your divorce? Could be wrong here but that did come to mind.
If I'm on the right track with your mom, you aren't going to change her thought process. You can have a calm discussion with her and see if she will come around, but if she is set in this thinking you will have to keep your expectations of her low, and plan the wedding you and FI want.
[QUOTE]Agree with the others. You plan and host this wedding as you would any other wedding. I think I'm familiar with your mom's thought process here. Is she saying this is wrong<strong> because there were no scriptural grounds for your divorce?</strong> Could be wrong here but that did come to mind. If I'm on the right track with your mom, you aren't going to change her thought process. You can have a calm discussion with her and see if she will come around, but if she is set in this thinking you will have to keep your expectations of her low, and plan the wedding you and FI want.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]
I get what you are saying here, and I think you are dead-on. But hopefully this is not the case, because even though all religions and sects vary on what they might consider scripturally "okay" grounds for divorce, surely all of them consider abuse as a good enough reason to leave a marriage?
You are totally right in not being able to change her thought process - my family is similar. OP, I'm so glad you have found someone who treats you like you should be treated, and I hope you enjoy the day you have with your new husband!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss?? : I get what you are saying here, and I think you are dead-on. But hopefully this is not the case, because even though all religions and sects vary on what they might consider scripturally "okay" grounds for divorce, surely all of them consider abuse as a good enough reason to leave a marriage? You are totally right in not being able to change her thought process - my family is similar. OP, I'm so glad you have found someone who treats you like you should be treated, and I hope you enjoy the day you have with your new husband!
Posted by LaceyH13[/QUOTE]
I would certainly hope all religions would recognize abuse as grounds for divorce!
[QUOTE]Your mom sounds totally bitchin. If she's free in June, see if she wants to come to my big gay wedding.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]
Man I wish there was a "like" button on TK!!!
</div><div>A beautiful spectacle is not going to change your mom's mind. Get married the way you and your new FI want, not the way you think will win her over. And best wishes to you - my aunt has been married 20+ years to her second husband, after leaving the abusive husband of her childhood. It can work.</div><div>
</div><div>Oh, and PPs - not all religions recognize divorce, even in cases of abuse. I was raised Catholic, and I know that unless you qualify for an annulment (declaring the "marriage" as never having been valid in the first place) they will not consecrate a remarriage. The Catholic church allows no divorce of a valid marriage for ANY reason.
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[QUOTE]A beautiful spectacle is not going to change your mom's mind. Get married the way you and your new FI want, not the way you think will win her over. And best wishes to you - my aunt has been married 20+ years to her second husband, after leaving the abusive husband of her childhood. It can work. Oh, and PPs - not all religions recognize divorce, even in cases of abuse. I was raised Catholic, and I know that unless you qualify for an annulment (declaring the "marriage" as never having been valid in the first place) they will not consecrate a remarriage. <strong> The Catholic church allows no divorce of a valid marriage for ANY reason.
</strong>Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]
I completely respect the rights of anyone to believe what they wish to believe, but this is very sad to me. I just have a hard time coping with the fact that someone would feel unworthy of a happy and healthy second marriage just because the spouse of their first marriage chose to be abusive. I hope that this doesn't keep people of the Catholic faith from getting out of unhealthy relationships.
[QUOTE]Your mom sounds totally bitchin. If she's free in June, see if she wants to come to my big gay wedding.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]
love, love, love this!
[QUOTE]A beautiful spectacle is not going to change your mom's mind. Get married the way you and your new FI want, not the way you think will win her over. And best wishes to you - my aunt has been married 20+ years to her second husband, after leaving the abusive husband of her childhood. It can work. Oh, and PPs - not all religions recognize divorce, even in cases of abuse. I was raised Catholic, and I know that unless you qualify for an annulment (declaring the "marriage" as never having been valid in the first place) they will not consecrate a remarriage. The Catholic church allows no divorce of a valid marriage for ANY reason.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The divorce thing is true, but this poster would qualify for an annulment if she was coerced into the wedding in the first place. I also think that the person would probably qualify for an annulment under the issue of abuse, because the abusive spouce obviously didn't mean their vows to love, honour, and cherish their partner.
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[QUOTE]Your mom sounds totally bitchin. If she's free in June, see if she wants to come to my big gay wedding.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>TK definitely needs a "Like" or "Love" button.
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</div><div>Yes to the first part, no to the second, as I understand it. The Catholic church requires "full and free consent," so in this case, OP would have grounds. But while there are rules about intent to remain monogamous, and accepting children, and violating those is grounds for annulment, I've not yet turned up any actual rule about intent not to beat your wife. Abuse may indicate one of the other conditions for declaring nullity exist, but I don't believe it is a condition itself. (Note that's intent at time of marriage - annulment is not about proving sin today, it's about proving the marriage a sham from day 1.) Now, if he had some mental impairment, or if he also were under pressure to marry, (as seems likely) you could make the same consent argument for him. Or you could divorce civilly and not remarry - the church may not recognize divorce, but they don't excommunicate you over it, either.<font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" class="Apple-style-span" color="#666666"><span style="font-size:12px;line-height:16px;" class="Apple-style-span"> </span></font></div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss?? : The divorce thing is true, but this poster would qualify for an annulment if she was coerced into the wedding in the first place. I also think that the person would probably qualify for an annulment under the issue of abuse, because the abusive spouce obviously didn't mean their vows to love, honour, and cherish their partner.
Posted by Bec20[/QUOTE]
<div>This.</div>
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[QUOTE]Your mom sounds totally bitchin. If she's free in June, see if she wants to come to my big gay wedding.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]
LOVE THIS.
I highly doubt your mother is living her life to the degree of Biblical Law that she's applying to your re-marriage...With that said, do what works for you.
If your mom is having a problem based on religious beliefs, I just had one idea. Do you share her religion? Do you know if her clergy agrees with you getting married? And if so, with having a big wedding? If you could get someone her clergy person to talk to her, that might help her realize that it is fine. However, if you do not have all of those stars aligning in your favor, then just go ahead and plan your big day. Invite her if you feel like it, but with the clear understanding that you only want her there is she will actually be happy for you that you have found a loving husband.