No gifts...

kymchris · January 2012

we would like people to donate to a charity that we chose instead of buying gifts. Is that weird and how do we "let" our guests know that?

rlavach · January 2012

This is a sensitive topic on here & most will tell you not to do it.

From the looks of it, you haven't been around these boards that long. And from the type of questions you've asked on the various boards, you haven't lurke either. Most of your questions have been asked before. If you use the search function on the bottom of the screen, you can search to see if anyone else has asked before. It took me a while to figure that out myself.

TiffannieF · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_gifts-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:4c610ddd-2f63-4282-a851-4b2e799fca2fPost:68c964aa-69e4-4d28-9a2c-98ef90d99d38">Re: No gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a sensitive topic on here & most will tell you not to do it. From the looks of it, you haven't been around these boards that long. And from the type of questions you've asked on the various boards, you haven't lurke either. Most of your questions have been asked before. If you use the search function on the bottom of the screen, you can search to see if anyone else has asked before. It took me a while to figure that out myself.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

This.

And no matter what you say or ask of your guests they will do what they want...so if they want to get you a picture frame they will do it regardless if you asked for cash, charity, books, or cooking utensils.

It is rude to ask for money even if you are putting it towards something for a better good. Some people have used the money for favors towards a charity and made a little card that said they donated money to a charity in honor of the guest but that is risky. Although I wouldn't complain about giving money to a charity I would want to give money to a charity that I support not somebody else, so I would consider that.

What you can do is not have registry or a small one, spread the word that you guys are not wanting any gifts (believe people will ask where you are registered), when they show up with cash give the money to your charity and be humble. If people ask what you used the money for just say you donated to a charity.

kymchris · January 2012

wow, ok, i must have struck a cord with my posts. I didn't know you can scroll down to search the boards. Sorry for the inconvenience. My question about the chairity is because i am a cancer survivor, my dad died of a massive heartattack when he was very young and my F and I are animal advocates, so to donate to cancer society, heart associate or an animal charity i thought was a good idea. I take it as it's not! Thanks for your feed back and i will search teh boards from now on.

jessicabessica · January 2012

I would just decide that you will donate x amount/percent of the cash gifts you receive to the charities of your choice.

If you would prefer to receive cash instead of physical gifts, generally the advice is to make a small registry, and gfit-givers will take that as a hint that you prefer cash.

daniellelea1985 · January 2012

I agree that your heart is in the right place and I understand why you would want to do that but remember that mentioning cancer at what should be a joyous time seems a bit awkward (I don't know how else to put it).

Maybe a guest lost someone close and now they wish they were at the reception with them and now... well they might be upset.

But in the end YOU know your guests best so use your best judgement. Maybe in your situation it would be ok. The ladies here just offer a word of caution

JJJ625 · January 2012

If you Google "charity registries" a few options pop up.

I think it's a nice option, even though I know I'm in the minority in this particular forum. If someone doesn't like the charity you support, they don't have to do it just like they don't have to get you something from a Target registry if they're boycotting it and how they don't have to get you a lamp from Macy's if they think it's ugly.

rlavach · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_gifts-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:4c610ddd-2f63-4282-a851-4b2e799fca2fPost:de75bb6a-68a5-46cf-a165-8f3880f783f0">Re: No gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]wow, ok, i must have struck a cord with my posts. I didn't know you can scroll down to search the boards. Sorry for the inconvenience. My question about the chairity is because i am a cancer survivor, my dad died of a massive heartattack when he was very young and my F and I are animal advocates, so to donate to cancer society, heart associate or an animal charity i thought was a good idea. I take it as it's not! Thanks for your feed back and i will search teh boards from now on.
Posted by kymchris[/QUOTE]
Like the other's said, your heart is in the right place. My mom is a 2x cancer survivor, so I chose to do a donation to the ACS instead of favors. That is another touchy subject on here. 99% will tell you not to do that. Mostly because you're kind of telling people how to spend their money or that you made a donation in their name (which you have no right to do). In this instance, I kind of disagree. I did the donation & will have a small sign that says something like, "in lieu of favors, a donation has been made to...". Let the etiquette godesses flame me.<div>
</div><div>I think the biggest issue with your idea is that by doing a registry, you're forcing people to spend money in a way that they may not want to. (at least that's how they will perceive it) And if they don't, they look like jerks. Who wouldn't want to donate to an animal rescue charity, right? (I'm vegan, so those charities eat up my wallets all the time) What sort of person doesn't want to help cure cancer? That's not what you're thinking, but that is how it can come off.</div>

RebeccaB88 · January 2012

Sometimes it's not the subject of the charity, but how the charity uses the donated money that people object to. For example, I think most people do support cancer or heart disease research, but I for one will NEVER donate to Komen or American Heart because I do not like or trust the way they use their donations. I will research any charity I donate to before I do so, to make sure I agree with absolutely everything they do. There are a LOT of charities that I refuse to support. If I couldn't support the charities you choose, then I'd have to go find you another gift... one you may or may not like or need. But that was the only choice you'd left me.

meganb1977 · January 2012

I agree with pp's who suggested a small-ish registry and people will be more likely to give cash gifts which you can donate. Some people might ask what you want and in that situation you might be fine to say that you would prefer a charitable donation in lieu of gifts.

aragx6 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_gifts-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:4c610ddd-2f63-4282-a851-4b2e799fca2fPost:18f5676d-ccfe-413a-ae98-1f5cc49367e5">Re: No gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]Any kind of money-related registry is a faux pas. Appropriate way to do this: "Thank you, but we didn't register anywhere because we don't need a thing except the love and support of family and friends. If you wish, please make a donation to your favorite charity."
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

As usual Retread has great advice. I think this is a great way to go about it.

KellyBrian2013 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_gifts-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:4c610ddd-2f63-4282-a851-4b2e799fca2fPost:7d6f5e28-cc8a-49c4-b4c7-c7095e53bf8e">Re: No gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No gifts... : Like the other's said, your heart is in the right place. My mom is a 2x cancer survivor, so I chose to do a donation to the ACS instead of favors. That is another touchy subject on here. 99% will tell you not to do that. Mostly because you're kind of telling people how to spend their money or that you made a donation in their name (which you have no right to do). In this instance, I kind of disagree. I did the donation & will have a small sign that says something like, "in lieu of favors, a donation has been made to...". Let the etiquette godesses flame me. I think the biggest issue with your idea is that by doing a registry, you're forcing people to spend money in a way that they may not want to. (at least that's how they will perceive it) And if they don't, they look like jerks. <strong>Who wouldn't want to donate to an animal rescue charity, right?</strong> (I'm vegan, so those charities eat up my wallets all the time) What sort of person doesn't want to help cure cancer? That's not what you're thinking, but that is how it can come off.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

I am a huge animal wellfare advocate, have fostered and adopted dogs, rescued cats, etc. and donate regularly to the local shelter and local breed-specific rescue groups that I've worked with - but there are quite a few "animal charities" that I can't stand, and several that I go so far as to campaign against. I would be LIVID to find out that money I gave to a couple to start off their life went to such organizations. Simply the <em>suggestion</em> that I donate to particular "animal charities" sets me off - because there are quite a few that dupe the public into thinking they are helping the animals, when the reality is that they are lining their pockets while campaigning AGAINST animal ownership or for animal <em>rights</em> (which is assanine, and not at all in line with animal <em>welfare</em> which I promote).

So, to answer the bolded - I wouldn't want to, depending upon what charity it is. I'd much rather give my money to a LOCAL shelter or rescue program that I can check out for myself and watch my dollars at work.

paulette1979 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_gifts-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:4c610ddd-2f63-4282-a851-4b2e799fca2fPost:68c964aa-69e4-4d28-9a2c-98ef90d99d38">Re: No gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a sensitive topic on here & most will tell you not to do it. From the looks of it, you haven't been around these boards that long. And from the type of questions you've asked on the various boards, you haven't lurke either. Most of your questions have been asked before. If you use the search function on the bottom of the screen, you can search to see if anyone else has asked before. It took me a while to figure that out myself.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

Really? if everyone did a search for every question they had this place would be dead. I've asked questions millions of others asked, but i still won't go search...i really don't care what someone 3 years ago said on the same topic i have, times change and so do opinions. Its sad that when someone genuinly has a question they are suppose to do a search, if you don't want to answer because you've already answered the question then move on, don't patrol this place and tell people they need to do a search when she had a real serious question.

ginadog · January 2012

You're having the DW in Bahamas?

You can do a wedding website. Although "telling" guests where you are registered or where they can don't is the faux paus that everyone is talking about. However, putting the info out there and letting the guests seek it out is OK. If guests want to know, then they seek out the info or they ask you. That's why putting any registry info on an invitation is considered to be "telling" guests.

IDoFoundation.org allows you to set up registries with a list of stores (Target, REI, etc) and a portion of those gifts purchased from the registry go to a charity of your cause. I set up my own local animal rescue group as the beneficiary (However, I haven't registered for anything yet and not sure when I will).

Alternatively, you could not register at all, and peeple usually want to bring something. You can donate that money (or a portion of it) to your charity.

Also, from what I've read, no one ever got the "no gifts" rule successfully enforced for their wedding. Someone always wants to give you something, from what I gather.

freebread03 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_gifts-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:4c610ddd-2f63-4282-a851-4b2e799fca2fPost:c2c4f6ca-67de-495b-9654-ed79fef98776">Re: No gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]Donation favors are a joke, because favors are a gift to the guest. Don't do something for YOUR charity, and then try to pretend that you did something "for" the guest. That's insulting their intelligence. Saying "in lieu of favors" tells the guest: "I was going to give you a present, but decided to give it to someone else instead." Just do the donation and dont' mention favors at all.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Like.</div>

babygoat · January 2012

I know I'm in the minority here, but I would speak out strongly that you should feel free to do a charity registry. My fiance and I chose to do one-- we've both committed our lives to working for health organizations that serve the poor, and have been very blessed with handed down housewares (both of my grandmothers moved into assisted living right when I finished college, so they, being lovely women, passed down to me the bulk of their belongings) -- so for us, a traditional gift registry didn't make any sense at all. We spent a long time figuring out how to word it on our website, and we're comfortable with what it says. I think if an organization is meaningful to you (as it sounds like they are), and household gifts aren't practical for you, you should go for it.

However, I must say that the previous answers here made me think about one thing we didn't make clear enough - that no one should feel obligated to donate, and they certainly shouldn't do so to an organization, even if we list them, that they don't like. I think I'm going to go back and adjust a little bit of our phrasing now - thanks Knotties!

And one more thing - be very careful of sites like the I Do Foundation!! If you do your charity registry there, they take a very large cut of every donation made (I think it's like 10% or something). I find this really gross. Many great organizations have a way to set up a fundraising page that you can link to on your website. If not, I would still recommend linking to the charity's main website before using something like the I Do Foundation. (Though if you're using them to set up the percentage-of-gifts-purchased kind of charity registry, they might be your only option.)

kymchris · January 2012

thank you

kmacisaac · January 2012

I think this is a lovely idea and one of those situations where sometimes the 'etiquette' could/should go out the window. I mean really, charity is now rude?! I think you could tactfully put on your wedding website, "While we desire nothing more than your presence on our special day, we understand that many of our guests would like to give us a gift to celebrate our new life. In lieu of presents, we would suggest that you make a donation to our favorite charity, ____" If anyone finds that rude/tasteless/tacky... they are crazy.

kateguess22 · January 2012

kmac I totally agree with you!!!! I am trying to follow etiquette on everything but I just can't do it on this one. We are registering with a charity and we are donating to charity in lieu of favours.

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