Afraid to Lose Him

bettertogether4 · November 2011

Okay so I never ever thought I would be in this situation but my fiance and I are in a horrible place right now. He is having doubts about whether I can "handle" the military lifestyle and whether marrying me is the right choice. For me this was out of nowhere but apparently he has been having some feelings for a while after he proposed.

While he has some basis for his worries, I know with everything I have that I am capable of being that woman to love and support him through all this. I really feel that not only that but that the military is helping me grow into a better, stronger person too. I think in a relationship you should grow together and thats what we have done thus far but it seems he has shut down. He is completely ignoring emotions and saying logically he worries about my "track record". All of this is so unlike him it is insane to me. Yes, I have anxiety but it is nothing I can not control when I take the time to actually take care of myself! Also, I have said things before that were less than supportive of his career choice but more out of fear of him loving something more than me. Idk I just feel like I have realized a lot about myself and I know I am such a strong person and that this relationship is meant to be. I have done a lot of self reflection.

Everything is just so up in the air at this point

I am sorry this is long and I am not exactly sure what I am looking for. Maybe ways to appeal to his logical side that this marriage can and will work if he just opens back up, lets us work on things and lets me prove to him just how strong I am.

(btw I created a different account because I really do not want this post linked to my name)

firsttimersluck · November 2011

WOW ok yea yikes..
This is definitely a serious concern and so if you aren't far into the wedding planning, it sounds like it's time to take a step back and work this out between the two of you.
We need a little more information..
You said he is deployed right now?
Or have you guys been through a deployment before?

A lot of emotions happen during deployment.. if he is hitting a lot of stress, it's not surprising that he is feeling this way, not just for him but for you. He probably is worried that his job is a burden on you and as you two asa couple. It's a legitamate concern on his part, but he will have to understand that his job is the military.. so whomever he chooses to marry will have to be accepting of that.. and there will always be growing pains with it.
Maybe he is feeling overwhelmed with deploying/deployment, wedding, commitment, etc. It's common to worry about a marriage to begin with, now throw in the military? That a whole new ball game.
Don't be pushy. Let him talk when he wants to, slow down the planning or wedding talk in general. He'll come around.. but you don't want to enter a marriage with him feeling this way, so let him breathe a bit and rationalize it himself...

bettertogether4 · November 2011

Thanks for replying. I literally feel like my world is falling apart and I was not expecting it at all.

He is not deployed however. He is almost finished with the last of his training for his job as he joined 8 months ago. We have never gone through a deployment. He has not opened up too much to me but he basically tried/sorta did break up with me out of nowhere. And now we are talking again but I still do not know whats going to happen. There has been no mention of the wedding since either I know it is too soon for that since we have to figure out the relationship part first. He seems to be going through something himself but while I process and like to get through things super quickly it has been a week and not much has changed. Its like his emotions shut off too and he is not really himself. He did tell me he still loves me but I had to push him to let that emotion out. Idk how much time to give him...I refuse to give up on what I know is right but its taking its toll on me and I have to see that hes trying and wants to make this work!

I am afraid by letting him be alone he will be irrational and make a decision that is going to hurt both of us. I know I need to back off a little more but I just feel like I have to remember him that emotions and love do count for something. And even logically we are on the right paths.

firsttimersluck · November 2011

It's not surprising that he's going through a lot of changes and his emotions are all over the place. Are you two a young (in age) couple? Are you guys just out of high school? That can make a huge difference as well.

He probably is hearing a lot of awful stories. Men and women in the military are known to have a lot of marriage issues, including cheating while on deployment and all that jazz. That's why we on this board, strongly recommend every couple going through at least one deployment before getting married. It brings up a lot of insecurities, and if the couple is strong enough, brings them closer together. A lot of guys fear being cheated on while they are away, and he could be going through that. It's talked about a LOT and that may be what he is suddenly fearing.
He will get over this fear, or he won't. Time will tell.
All you can do is wait until he is done with training, be together again and show him that you are still the same person he knows and loves. That him being gone doesn't change that.

bettertogether4 · November 2011

We are young yes (early 20s) but not straight out of high school. I am finishing my bachelors now. We met the summer after high school and I know we have both grown a lot during that time.

I know his family (some of which who has been in the military or know people) have been saying things which hurts because I thought they liked me. I know with a military relationship comes a lot more hardships and work than other relationships but I have thought about it a lot and feel prepared to take it on. He doesn't see me being okay with it in the long run though. I do agree that ideally we should go through a deployment first before we get married. The way we were planning our wedding before we wouldnt have but I definitely think with his concerns now that it is important. I am willing to hold of the wedding for as long as we need BUT I have to know he wants it and trusts me when I say I can handle it. I do think I have some insecurities to confront but I feel like I am doing a lot of that now and if he will just open his eyes to the fact that relationships/marriage is a constant growth process and he cant freeze me in time because of past ways I have handled things or whatever.

firsttimersluck · November 2011

It sounds like YOU know where you stand... Just let him get his head unfogged and figure his side out.
People can be hurtful.. They may think they are helping him by giving him tough information but he has a lot going on. They best you can do is support HIM through the rest of his training so that he sees that you won't be dramatically emotional through the military stuff.. That you are a toughy and can handle putting yourself aside to support him.

I'm finishing up my BS too! What are you getting your degree in?

CAB1217 · November 2011

OP, I feel the need to get hard with you. Not out of a mean place, but out of a "don't do this to yourself" place.

The best thing you can do is leave him alone for right now. He's expressed concerns about deployments and military life, and clinging on to the relationship right now when he wants to let go justifies his concerns in his mind. I kind of feel like he is using the military as an excuse to get out.

"I am afraid by letting him be alone he will be irrational and make a decision that is going to hurt both of us. I know I need to back off a little more but I just feel like I have to remember him that emotions and love do count for something."

If he wants to be with you, he will be. Bottom line. If he doesn't, it isn't because of the military, it is because he isn't ready, or doesn't feel like you are the right person for him anymore. I know it's hard, I realllllly do. It happened to me. I tried to get him back, convinced that he was just being "irrational". But, in the end, he just didn't want to be with me, no matter what excuse he gave me. (His was "I just don't make enough money to marry you, and don't think I can ever support a family.") You show your strength to him by letting go, and, if its just silly fears on his end, he will come around. But, for now, you are the only one that is going to suffer, and it SUCKS. So bad. You need to keep yourself busy. You need to keep your phone in a different room then the one you're in. You need to not check his Facebook, email, anything. We are here for you to keep your mind off of things if you want, or even to vent about how you're feeling, just don't contact him!

I could be completely wrong, and I hope I am. But, don't you think you owe it to yourself to be strong, and not strung around? YOU deserve someone to be certain of being with YOU. I know you love him, but sometimes loving someone does mean letting go. I wish the best for you. If you want to PM me about how I got through my engagement break off, feel free. I am more than willing to help you out.

If I have pissed you off, I am truly sorry. This is advice I'd give anyone I am close too, and have in the past. It's not easy to hear, but it's coming from a good and experienced place. GL! T&Ps for you!

bettertogether4 · November 2011

You are right. I need to give him space to deal with things his way while still showing my support for him while training and enduring everything else. Your words really helped thank you.

Awesome! My degree will be in Economics and Organizational Management. you?

firsttimersluck · November 2011

Mathematics (NO not a BA. I have no interest in teaching.. just making that clear because that's always the second question I get :P haha) What is Organizational Management? Is it similar to Business Management? I love Econ. Right now I"m in a math modelling class that requires us to tweek and build models using econ models as a base. It's pretty cool :]

bettertogether4 · November 2011

Haha thats cool. What made you decide to study math? Yes OM is essentially that we study how orgs are structured, leadership, strategy, hrm, teamwork, decision making, social responsibility, all sorts of things lol. I prefer it to my econ classes although those are very interesting too. It helps to be good at math for sure lol.

firsttimersluck · November 2011

I have always been good at Mathematics. Every single teacher told my mom to put me in math math math because [while I have always had straight As and been generally a well rounded student] it's hard to find women in the math field and they need more women. I loved it.
My sophomore year of high school my teacher started having me proof read and edit his tests before he would give them to the class. He would just give me an automatic A on everything because he figured, if I can catch HIS mistakes, I will clearly Ace it no problem.
I'm a nerrrrrd haha!

What are you going to do with your degree? Any idea yet?

SamiJoeB · November 2011

I pretty much second everything CAB said. IMHO, Marriage needs to be taken off the table completely for the time being. Leave him alone. When he wants to talk, he will call you. What branch is he in? I'm prior service, and I can tell you first hand that all through Boot, and A school all you hear about is "Don't get married! they'll screw you over, spend all your money, and f*ck other people while you're deployed" your teachers will tell you that if you do get married, you'll be divorced within a year. I saw married men cheat on their wives (A few of them had kids), couples get engaged and break up quicker than butter melts in the microwave.

CAB is 100% right. If he wants to be with you, he will be. Perhaps not in the timeline you were expecting, but if the two of you are really as "meant" to be as you're convinced you are.. You will be. You always have us to keep your mind of things!! IMO, we're a pretty fun bunch!

bettertogether4 · November 2011

Thanks for the reply. I would not say marriage is off the table because I do not think you can really back track after getting to this point but its certainly not the focus of any of our convos. Its just about getting him together and our relationship back to a healthy place. I don't think its fair to say "Leave him alone". He's my "fiance" and best friend. It would be one thing if I pushed him towards this in the first place (marriage) but it was always him eager for it even before he joined the military. Its hard to see him now so unsure of things when at one point in time the fact he wanted to marry me was just about the only thing in life he was sure of.

I am willing to wait but its hard when I process things so much quicker...and go to women's college where I have people constantly bringing up my engagement every day. Drives me nuts because I can never really put it out of my head. Its true though if he wants to he will be with me.

Oh and hes Air Force.

SamiJoeB · November 2011

What I'm saying is that it sounds like he wants/needs some space, but that may just be exactly what he needs. My H is my best friend as well, but there are times that we just don't want to talk to each other. It doesn't mean we love each other any less, it just means we need some alone time. Maybe that's what your FI needs. I just don't think it's 100% your responsibility to "get him back together". You have to consider all the changes he's been through in the last 8 months, you weren't there for those so even if he tells you about them and what not, you will never full understand. It's just a hard time for him, because it's a hard adjustment that almost ever SM goes through. I did, my H did, I'm willing to bet that 90% of SM's go through this. Not to be the bearer of bad news, but it's not really over either. He still has his first command to check into and all that jazz.

prettyirishgirl · November 2011

I also wanted to chime in for you - I agree with the others that you need to be strong in yourself and what you want, and he will most likely come around once he has time to sort through it all himself.

Also you sad he started training and classes 8 months ago when he got in? right? If I got that right he has also probably been really drained form the training and classes. FI (Army if it makes a difference) has trained some of the newbies they got in his old unit and one thing they really press upon them is that marriage is a drastic and important decision. Even less then a month ago when I went to classes with him it was a common conversation point and even a mocking point to a degree. They want them to take it very seriously because of the repercussions it can have on them, they also hear horror stories of bad things that happened to their teachers and mentors. They really push this on the younger guys (especially the new ones) because it is so common for them to marry for the wrong reasons. It is very likely that from many classes and leaders he has been being drilled about getting married (not directly, but still) and he is probably overwhelmed and stressed from all the training and classes that have come with this transition in your lives.

Random other tid bit: if he asked you to push him you would know best but did he mean it? Fi and i had a patch like that once after a similar situation of the "army marriage talk about candy cane down the street" that persisted when we were long distance for abotu a month before he finally fessed up. He meant it when he said i needed to push him - I had to practically yell at him. I'm not suggesting you do what I did, but I knew him and I knew what would get us through so I did it. You know him best regardless of your "official status" FI and I always say that is social not personal. So if you feel he needs space give him that, if you feel you need to prove it somehow or push him emotionally do it.

good luck

crownsuperstar · November 2011

These ladies have some wonderful advise and I am not sure that I could add much. Just that marriage is hard. I think that people tend to look at marriage through rose colored glasses thanks to the Clevers or the Bradys. Every relationship is going to have its ups and downs. It takes two people to working, communicating etc to have a successful relationship. It seems to me (forgive me if I am stepping on toes here) that you are the only one putting forth effort here. This needs to be a two way street. You both need to take some time to figure out what happened or is this something that can be fixed. I hate to say this but if these problems are here not I am not sure they will go away with marriage and chances are they will get worse. When a deployment come along.

I wish you all of the best and please consider taking some time to yourself.

Danidawn20 · November 2011

Since I am engaged my self, I don't have much advice- otherthan the PPs have some great advice. I think you do need to give him some space, but let him know you are supportive of him and do care about him. Then just wait it out. GL

ggirl2001 · November 2011

My H and I went through this almost a year ago exactly. He became very scared and was nervous about marriage and how things will change etc. BUT he did not tell me that right away, he wasn't even sure himself what he wanted. I gave him some space to think about what he wanted and what he needed and then he came and talked to me. At this point, we had been together 3 years, long distance for 1 1/2 years. He was preparing for a deployment as well. So I agree with other PP's. Let him know you are there to talk when he is ready to, put the wedding planning on hold and go from there. That's what I did. In fact, I stopped talking about the wedding for a bit because I felt maybe that was contributing to his thoughts as it became more "real".

I also am not sure what you have said to him about his career that he is struggling with but it sounds like you both need to talk about that because maybe it is still bothering him?

calindi · November 2011

I'm really sorry you're going through this! We had a rough patch that sounds similar - he was pulling away, and I was trying hard to hang on.

Individual therapy really helped. Some people like couples therapy, which can also help, but for us we just needed to be able to process our own thoughts. It helped him realize what he really wanted was exactly what he was pushing away, and that his reasons for pushing me away had more to do with his past experience with relationships and "testing" me rather than an actual issue. And it helped me get the strength to feel confident in saying, "You have to choose. We don't have to talk about marriage right now or at all, but you're either in this relationship or you're out. And I can't play tug of war with you. If you're in, you're all the way in and we're working on a future. If you're not, then we're going to have to walk away." And I meant it. It was HARD, but I'm glad I could do that.

Sometimes guys make excuses for feelings they can't put words to, so it may not have as much to do with surviving deployments as he's making it sound. It might have to do with a feeling that you aren't supporting his career and future since you've admittedly made some comments about it, that you're going to constantly be making him choose between his job and you. Which, honestly, it sounds like you might do and something you will need to work on to be with him. So therapy will give him the opportunity to explore those feelings and really root out the true issues he has.

If he won't go to therapy, or even after therapy, a tool that has really helped us is letter writing. When we can't have productive conversations face-to-face, we write letters to each other where we explain in detail how we feel, what we need, how we see the problem getting resolved. Then we'll read it and write back. It gives us each an opportunity to process and listen to everything without feeling defensive or have emotions (like me crying) get in the way of a productive conversation.

Honestly, if he just keeps pushing you away, it might be time to let him go. It sucks, and it hurts like hell, but you'll have more self respect than clinging to him as he pulls away. I've done that before in a previous relationship, and I lost a lot of self respect. Also, I've seen with other friends that having the strength to walk away often gives the guy enough time to realize what he's missing rather than driving him away with clingy behavior. Might be a bit too blunt, but that's my honest opinion.

Good luck, and big hugs! I promise no matter what, you'll be okay. Hang in there and do what's best for you.

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