This feels so complicated

Ajuliana · February 2013

My FI and I were both raised Catholic, and I attended Catholic school from kindergarten until the end of highschool, so we both are pretty familiar with Church rules and traditions--BUT--between disagreements in setting a date from the diocese we live in for the diocese we were raised in, childhood parishes losing documents, and some churches charging fees for copies, I feel like it has been quite a few hoops to jump through.

I am absolutely willing to do the work, I just wanted to see if anyone else had had a few issues that they had to work through to get the ball rolling, and maybe some anecdotes about how everything worked out in the end for them in their wedding planning process. I could really use a bit of positive reinforcement!

On the bright side, we gave ourselves a year and a half to plan, which is very helpful when surprise roadblocks come up!

jenjlgsings · February 2013

Curious - why is the Diocese involved in setting your date?

Sorry you are having issues.

I was worried I would have problems as the church I was baptised in and the one where I made my confirmation were both merged with other parishes, but thankfully, the merged parish had my record.

I've never heard of a church charging a fee for a copy.

Take a deep breath and, more importantly, pray!

Chloeagh · February 2013

I know how you feel. I'm very glad to have a year and a half to plan, too!

If you want a story, when we met with our priest, he called up the churches with our records to make sure everything checked out. It's a good thing he did! FI was baptized Lutheran, but had all his other sacrements in the Catholic church. His church apparently never got his records transfered properly or never properly brought him into the Church or something. When he called his church to fix it, they had no idea what he was talking about (even though they were the one that told the priest they were missing this information). So we have to schedule a meeting with the priest marrying us, an hour away from where FI lives, so he can be officially brought into the Church. All of his sacremental information will now reside in the church we are getting married at. Supposedly it's a really easy fix once the meeting is scheduled. But it's like, really?

Resa77 · February 2013

That sounds frustrating! I hate to say it, but a lot of parishes don't seem to motivated to get things done for weddings taking place a year or more away

That said, here's a fun story about parishes and record-keeping: my BIL was baptised Christian, but not Catholic. Apparently not every denomination is quite as good at keeping up with sacrament documenation....the church at which he was baptised had burned down and never reopened. All their records were destroyed. Thankfully his mother had a copy of his baptismal certificate, and the Catholic priest doing precana for my sister was fine with that. Well, they get married, no problem. Fastforward about 10 years later, and my sister and BIL are asked to be godparents at the same parish where they were married. They were asked for copies of their baptismal certificates, and my BIL told them "I never got the copy back from you when I got married, and that's the only copy." So this Catholic parish literally had the only copy of his baptismal record, and apparently lost it. They wouldn't let him be a godfather...he couldn't stand up at the font during the baptism, hold the candle, etc etc. He and my sister were so mad!

Calypso1977 · February 2013

ive never heard of fees for copies either. weird.

mine went pretty smoothly but we got married in the parish we attend regularly, rather than going back to either of our childhood parishes. not sure if that's why it was easier.

bibliophile2010 · February 2013

I've actually heard that fees for copies is pretty/somewhat common. It didn't come up with us (and, honestly, I would have just paid the fee if it had). If the fee really is a hardship, talk to your parish/the parish making the copies and let them know your situation. I'm sure they can find a way to help you work something out.

mcda04 · February 2013

My H was baptized in Mexico and I was Baptized about an hour an a half away from where we live. We had to drive down to the Church to get my certificate (which I had to pay for) and my H's aunt had to travel about 2 hours to the Dioceses to obtain H's and mail it via FedEx. Then we had to request permission from our Home parish to marry in the church we attend.

meltoine · February 2013

My documents were all at the parish we got married in, so that was easy. But H's childhood parish was closed a few years before we got married and it took several tries to track down his stuff. They also charged a fee for it.

Ajuliana · February 2013

Basically...we moved to Sacramento for school, but are getting married in the Central Valley. When we called our home church to inquire what we neelded to get married there, we said we needed to start precana at a Church here before we could set a date at home. When I called the church we attend in Sacramento to ask to start precana, they said we had to set a date at home. Absolutely reversed requirements!

As for his lost confirmation certificate, they said they need to know the exact date, and have him, his (divorced) parents, and confirmation sponsor (brother) all come together to an appointment with the new parish priest to talk about how they could prove he was actually confirmed. His brother lives in SF, we live in Sac, and his parents live in two different towns.

BUT last night I remembered he was his younger brother's sponsor, so that certificate will prove he himself was confirmed, at the very least.

Thank you for all the encouragement, sharing the sacrament is really important to us as we try to re-embrace our faith as adults.

Calypso1977 · February 2013

As for his lost confirmation certificate, they said they need to know the exact date, and have him, his (divorced) parents, and confirmation sponsor (brother) all come together to an appointment with the new parish priest to talk about how they could prove he was actually confirmed.

this is ridiculous as confirmation is not required for marriage, just strongly recommended.

Canon 1065.1 Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before being admitted to marriage, if this can be done without grave inconvenience.

agapecarrie · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_this-feels-so-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:678642ef-9ae5-40e7-84a6-f339d1d452cdPost:18e9c6f0-c509-4dd8-955b-ac35a28234fb">Re: This feels so complicated</a>:
[QUOTE]As for his lost confirmation certificate, they said they need to know the exact date, and have him, his (divorced) parents, and confirmation sponsor (brother) all come together to an appointment with the new parish priest to talk about how they could prove he was actually confirmed. this is ridiculous as confirmation is not required for marriage, just strongly recommended. Canon 1065.1 Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before being admitted to marriage, if this can be done without grave inconvenience.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree with your interpretation calypso. The canon reads that it IS required. </div><div>
</div><div>However, by the allowing for an exception seems to be right in this case, as it simply the proof that is needed, not the sacrament itself. </div>

mcda04 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_this-feels-so-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:678642ef-9ae5-40e7-84a6-f339d1d452cdPost:18e9c6f0-c509-4dd8-955b-ac35a28234fb">Re: This feels so complicated</a>:
[QUOTE]As for his lost confirmation certificate, they said they need to know the exact date, and have him, his (divorced) parents, and confirmation sponsor (brother) all come together to an appointment with the new parish priest to talk about how they could prove he was actually confirmed. this is ridiculous as confirmation is not required for marriage, just strongly recommended. Canon 1065.1 Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before being admitted to marriage, if this can be done without grave inconvenience.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I believe your Confirmation Sacrament is required.

I don't have mine but we were required to enroll in RCIA *before* we set our date and make a promise that we would continue our journey after the marriage Sacrament was received.

Calypso1977 · February 2013

the guy is saying he was confirmed. that should be enough.

i couldnt produce my certificate because i never got one (i was confirmed in the sspx). since hte priest initially had us swear on a bible that we'd tell the truth in all our premarital questioning and prep he took my word for it that i was confirmed. to make OP's FI bring his entire family together to testify to the confirmation occuring seems extreme.

professorscience · February 2013

As for the date/precana stuff, I would talk first with the parish where you're planning to get married and just say, "Hey, we called a church out here and they won't let us start until we set a date," and maybe see if a) they gave you misinformation or b) they can give you something or contact that parish to let them know that you are, in fact, planning to get married and that they require you to begin precana before you set a date.

That's really weird -- I've never really heard of that before. I've heard of parishes requiring the couple to come in for their initial interview before setting a date, but never going through precana first.

agapecarrie · February 2013

Technically, the pre-marital investigation has to be done before a date is set. This includes making sure both are free to marry, no impediments exist, and ideally, take the focus to uncover any major issues.

Then pre-cana can start, or marriage prep can start.

Lots of people tend to lump everything all together.

Ajuliana · February 2013

I don't mind doing what is needed, I just wish there was a bit more consistency between bordering dioceses.

Fortunately, my parents are very close with the leadership in the diocese here, and they are already seeking to find a simpler solution to verifying his confirmation with a record. It's the faith that we want to be a part of, but boy oh boy does beaurocracy stink!

I still can't figure out who on earth would lie about being confirmed...

agapecarrie · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_this-feels-so-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:678642ef-9ae5-40e7-84a6-f339d1d452cdPost:7aefcdb1-41a0-4045-a1d3-7585345af288">Re: This feels so complicated</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't mind doing what is needed, I just wish there was a bit more consistency between bordering dioceses. Fortunately, my parents are very close with the leadership in the diocese here, and they are already seeking to find a simpler solution to verifying his confirmation with a record. It's the faith that we want to be a part of, but boy oh boy does beaurocracy stink! I still can't figure out who on earth would lie about being confirmed...
Posted by Alaynajuliana[/QUOTE]

<div>It's not a matter of bueaurocracy or "lieing about being confirmed". I cannot tell you how many people mistakenly think something about their sacraments. They think episcopal confirmations count. They think automatically because they got married outside the church it wasn't valid (which may or may not be true, depending on other circumstances). </div><div>
</div><div>It's making sure that all the avenues of grace are open. </div>

professorscience · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_this-feels-so-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:678642ef-9ae5-40e7-84a6-f339d1d452cdPost:887f37ef-b056-45bd-92be-21184e083592">Re: This feels so complicated</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This feels so complicated : At our church, they ask you to not set a date until you've had the initial interview.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, we were "penciled in" because my BIL worked very closely with the church through the men's group, so they used him as a sort of witness to our good character. We were not in the datebook in pen until after the "free to marry" interview.</div><div>
</div><div>I wonder if, like Carrie mentioned, this is all being identified as "PreCana," and OP just needs to go in for her interview to get the date set.</div>

Ajuliana · February 2013

My date has been set since December. The church we are getting married at asked us to send in documentation of all of our sacraments. They lost FI confirmation record, and he was definitely confirmed, as were his friends/cousins at a ceremony over which the Bishop presided.

Our new parish priest told us he would not intervene and meet with us to give us a letter in support of getting his confirmation records.

Thankfully, my dad called and spoke to the Vicar General, who called the church FI was confirmed in, to tell them all they may require of us is a letter from his parents stating they witnessed his confirmation. All is well in our journey to the altar and receiving the sacrament together!

This feels so complicated

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