Y'all I'm just at my wits end...(maybe a WTF Wed post)

*tinkertoy* · May 2010

I've started the new job which is super stressful so I'm already on edge.

FI could not care less about wedding planning and would as soon go the the JOP today and be done with it. BUT all along he has said he will do whatever I want to have my dream wedding.

When I ask opinions he says, "what ever you want" so I've been going forward on selecting resorts (with DW.com). I showed him the ones I had narrowed it down to (Riveria Maya) and his response was that he "despises resorts" that they are "too contrived and fake" and he would rather have a traditional wedding at home than get married at this fake place.

WTF?

He can't come up with some alternative ideas, so I'm thinking somewhere less commercial than Mexico...maybe Costa RIca?

I think I'm going to lose my mind. For real. Oh yeah, and we are thinking about getting married Dec 2010.

Any thoughts? Suggestions for something less commercial and "fake"?

*sigh*

Islamorada14 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_yall-im-just-wits-endmaybe-wtf-wed-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:54Discussion:e3b79fde-abc3-4c81-b328-8d840f04db88Post:96879c43-0e6d-4778-9717-bfdebc38972b">Y'all I'm just at my wits end...(maybe a WTF Wed post)</a>:
[QUOTE]I showed him the ones I had narrowed it down to (Riveria Maya) and his response was that he "despises resorts" that they are "too contrived and fake" and he would rather have a traditional wedding at home than get married at this fake place. WTF?
Posted by *tinkertoy*[/QUOTE]

Ha! My husband (then FI) said the exact same thing when we started to plan our wedding. I think he added a few phrases like not wanting to have a "cookie cutter" or "canned wedding" also. What we ended up doing was renting 2 beach houses where we and immediate family stayed and hosted all of our events. The setting was completely private and we brought in a catering company for the reception food, which actually saved us a bunch of money compared to having a resort/hotel reception. We found the houses on VRBO.com, which lists private vacation rental properties worldwide.

You might also want to look at small private villa or bungalow hotel/resort settings or B&Bs/Inns. Even on our regular vacations my husband refuses to stay in big corporate resorts, but he is absolutely fine with nice villas and B&Bs. You may want to check tripadvisor.com for B&Bs/Inns or specialty lodging for the destinations you're considering.

Edit - Here's a link I found that lists some small, boutique hotels in Costa Rica that are definitely not cookie cutter: <a href="http://www.cayugaonline.com/travel/hotels_and_resorts.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.cayugaonline.com/travel/hotels_and_resorts.html</a>

troublejessy · May 2010

We were looking for a destination wedding with "character" and not at a resort. We settled on Old San Juan, Puerto Rico. We actually just got back from our visit and LOVED it there. It is a city with lots of history, beautiful architecture, but you can still hit the beach. Another plus is that the flights are pretty inexpensive and you don't need a passport to travel there. You'd be able to get the spanish feel closer to home (well, depending where you live). I took 230 pictures (literally) while we were there which I posted online. If you're interested let me know and I'll send you the link

numb3rMel · May 2010

My FI tried that too! Frustrating!

But we really did look for something that was a package deal for us. Something where we didn't have to seperate projects for one vision. AI's fit what we were looking for. Adult only - Secrets Capri but I'd hesitate to reccommend it to you only because something like troublejessy or islamorada14 sounds right up your alley from your description. I'd take their advice and look into non-package deals.

sarlah · May 2010

I don't understand what your FI means by "fake", to be honest. Anytime you are in a hospitality situation you are paying people to be nice to you. You should ask him if you guys should also stop eating out at restaurants because you're paying them to be nice to you which also makes them "fake". If the reasoning is faulty then you should call him on it!

You can also offer to find the resort with the worst reviews, then you know they won't be nice to you - even if you are paying them. LOL. I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't get what's "fake" about people being hospitable in a resort.

kak102480 · May 2010

Yay Costa Rica!!! sorry, it's like hearing your name mentioned. As someone who has researched hotels in Costa Rica I can tell you that there are a lot of resorts, as well as a lot of other smaller less cookie cutter options, but you will find that anywhere. (side note; don't you love that guys say they don't care until you show them something, then all of a sudden there's a concern on the horizon... apparently my FI was against hotels with golf courses) It's not the country/island that makes it unique, it's the hotel. If you have a travel agent tell them you want smaller more boutique type hotels, and I love the renting beach houses options.

Good luck! (and if your actually interested in Costa Rica I can give you some insight

)

troublejessy · May 2010

I had the same discussion with my FI. You may want talk to talk about it a little more and see if you can get to the bottom of what exactly it is he doesn't like about resorts. After talking about it we discovered that we were looking for a venue that we couldn’t find anywhere on the mainland. I guess in our minds, in order to justify a DW, we wanted a venue completely unique to our location. To some this may be a beautiful resort, to us it was a more historical old world-ish location. Once we figured that out it was a lot easier for us to narrow down venues. I understand what he means, but he definitely needs to be more specific or the two of you will just go in circles. Hope that helps.

gabi829 · May 2010

It's great that you're trying to be accommodating, but I think there might be a bigger issue at play here. Maybe you should try doing research with your fi to see what exactly he wants. I think it's nuts that he thinks he can criticize what you've come up with if he's not going to offer any of his own suggestions.

JillianKrystal · May 2010

1st off im making a drink now for reading all of that..lol...
2nd. im agreeing with troublejessy, look up places in puerto rico. thats where my FI and I decided on because we love that its different. were looking around old san juan too because the architecture is amazingly beautiful and there are beaches everyone so its gives something to everyone thats going.
of maybe look into a b&b maybe somewhere in the carolinas.
you've got alot of options.

*tinkertoy* · May 2010

Thanks everyone...at least I'm not crazy!

KAK, if we decide on CR, I'll be picking your brain!

Sarlah, he is talking about the whole experience being like Disneyworld. He thinks when you go on vacation you should live like locals and experience all the place has to offer.

I sort of understand but I can also be thrilled (as I think 99% of our guests will be) to lie on the gorgeous manicured beach while someone brings me a drink.

I just don't get it. I've emailed the TA asking for less giant resorts and something with a little more local flavor.

As for Puerto Rico, we've been there before and both don't want to do a wedding there although, I think Old San Juan would be an AMAZING place to get married! Someone mentioned a reception at El Morro- so cool!

I'm going to try and pick his brain a little more in the next few days. I'm wondering if this doesn't have more to do with just anxiety about the whole thing (wedding, not marriage) which I thought a DW would help alleviate.

Oy men!

thanks so much for the advice and insight!! I really appreciate it!

mishy112 · May 2010

Tinker, sorry you are under stress from work & Fi!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_yall-im-just-wits-endmaybe-wtf-wed-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:54Discussion:e3b79fde-abc3-4c81-b328-8d840f04db88Post:41b29fe8-915c-4737-850f-1700ff97cea9">Re: Y'all I'm just at my wits end...(maybe a WTF Wed post)</a>:
[QUOTE]It's great that you're trying to be accommodating, but I think there might be a bigger issue at play here. Maybe you should try doing research with your fi to see what exactly he wants. I think it's nuts that he thinks he can criticize what you've come up with if he's not going to offer any of his own suggestions.
Posted by gabi829[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. I ran into similar trouble with my Fi not wanting to help plan the AHR. Whenever he would tell me to just plan it myself, I asked him if he really wanted it - I finally ingrained it into his head that if he didn't help, we weren't having one. And he really did/does want it, so he has come around with helping - at least with some of it! If you are ok with the venue you found, I suggest telling Fi that if he wants something different, he needs to help find it or you are going to continue with what you've found. Has Fi ever done the vacation thing that he thinks is fake, or are his thoughts about it based on perceptions but no personal experience? I get what he means, but sometimes it's nice to let go of that and just have a nice time! If he's had a positive experience, draw on that, and if he's had a bad experience, find out what exactly made it so. Maybe there are activities that could be incorporated that would be similar to the experience he wants, while still being able to use a resort that you've found?

As far as the time crunch, I think you still have plenty of time to get something figured out. Remember what's important about the whole thing - you and Fi making the commitment to spend the rest of your lives together! Sometimes that gets lost in the wedding planning details ;) Good luck!

*tinkertoy* · May 2010

Thanks so much!

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