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Moms and Maids

FMIL Problems

My family is going to be helping us with our wedding but my fiance's mother refuses to because she "does not believe in marriage", she has never been married but has 4 kids and lives with her youngest's father and has for almost 10 years. She always makes snide comments to me about our wedding and other things (I  "made my dessert with dog biscuits" that everyone ate but her, "nobody is going to come to our wedding" because its 2 hours from her hometown etc)

The most recent was a voicemail left asking for our address so she can send us HER save the date (she is not getting married and we recently sent out ours) when all she was sending was an unrelated letter to my fiance....I think she is trying to get under my skin on purpose. The only thing I can assume is that she thinks i'm taking her son away from her (although I am not, we always visit them when we're in town  and they speak frequently). He moved with me 2 hours away to attend college and we have been here since but it was his own choice, I never forced him. Her and I had a great relationship before we moved. What should I do?

Re: FMIL Problems

  • lindsayl88lindsayl88 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    oh she also said she would not dress up at our wedding
  • edited December 2011
     Nothing. Its not your place to do anything. Its your FI place to 'stand up' to her if there is an issue.  I suggest not talking to her about the wedding.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3bfa652-811d-4856-ae50-5007e63ddb5dPost:f8ec767a-3f58-4196-b44f-a7f53b1bb2ba">FMIL Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]My family is going to be helping us with our wedding but my fiance's mother refuses to because she "does not believe in marriage", she has never been married but has 4 kids and lives with her youngest's father and has for almost 10 years. She always makes snide comments to me about our wedding and other things (I  "made my dessert with dog biscuits" that everyone ate but her, "nobody is going to come to our wedding" because its 2 hours from her hometown etc) The most recent was a voicemail left asking for our address so she can send us HER save the date (she is not getting married and we recently sent out ours) when all she was sending was an unrelated letter to my fiance....I think she is trying to get under my skin on purpose. The only thing I can assume is that she thinks i'm taking her son away from her (although I am not, we always visit them when we're in town  and they speak frequently). He moved with me 2 hours away to attend college and we have been here since but it was his own choice, I never forced him. Her and I had a great relationship before we moved. What should I do?
    Posted by lindsayl88[/QUOTE]

  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    What does your FI do in these situations?  If he's not standing up for you when his mother insults you, then she's not the problem.
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  • lindsayl88lindsayl88 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    He says things to her every once in a while when I tell him I think she's said something offensive. She lays off for a bit but then it starts back up again. It's not just me she does it to but lately I've been her biggest target. I have a feeling part of it is just her personality but i wasn't sure if I should just ignore it or if I should say something to her because it's starting to wear me out.

    Thanks to everyone who has responded so far!
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You shouldn't have to say anything.  If FMIL is saying mean things to/about you, FI needs to tell her to knock it off.  However, weird voicemails about STDs and anti-marriage sentiments should just be ignored.
  • edited December 2011
    Ok, the dog biscuits thing is super weird.

    I agree that you should just ignore her and plan your wedding. You know that the thing she is saying, like that noone will come, are not true, so try not to let them get you down. Let her wear whatever she wants to the wedding-she is the one who will look supid if she is in sweatpants and everyone else is dressed up.

    I also agree that your FI needs to be the one to tell her that she has to treat you with more respect though.
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  • edited December 2011
    Let your FI handle it.  It's not your place and it'll probably only fuel the fire.

    To me she sounds like a very insecure person who picks on others with immature comments just to make herself feel better. 

    Like Jillian said, she will be the one that looks ridiculous when she isn't dressed up and everyone is. 
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  • edited December 2011
    1) If something needs to be said to your FMIL concerning her behavior, it needs to come from her son, not you. Stay as far out of the situation as realistically possible.

    2) Do not discuss the wedding with her anymore. If she asks you about it, respond with "you know, we haven't quite gotten to that point in planning" and change the subject. The details that are pertinent to her (where to go, when to be there, etc.) should be relayed to her by your FI.

    3) You can't control how a grown woman is going to behave. If she's going to perpetuate juvenile behavior, then that reflects poorly on her, not you. All you can do is be polite and courteous as possible, and ignore her ridiculous behavior. Be the bigger person (even though that can be a pretty hard thing to do at times).

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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3bfa652-811d-4856-ae50-5007e63ddb5dPost:93850e1b-13a0-4c18-b633-42f123f61be3">Re: FMIL Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>He says things to her every once in a while when I tell him I think she's said something offensive.</strong> She lays off for a bit but then it starts back up again. It's not just me she does it to but lately I've been her biggest target. I have a feeling part of it is just her personality but i wasn't sure if I should just ignore it or if I should say something to her because it's starting to wear me out. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far!
    Posted by lindsayl88[/QUOTE]

    So he says things to her every once in a while... to get <em>you</em> to shut up. Not her.

  • edited December 2011
    Your Fiance should be standing up first of all not because you tell him but because he thinks shes out of line. Some times you just have to suck it up and grin and bear it though my FMIL does crazy things to me all the time. Trying to push us into prenups random well worded insults she even went as far as insisting on redressing me for a family outing in her clothes after I had dressed myself.... Just remember that whatever this woman does to irk you she was the one that brought your other half in this world and took care of him when he needed it the most. It puts things in perspectives and tends to take the sting off it
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  • lindsayl88lindsayl88 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Everyone's posts have been very helpful. It's also comforting to know that I am not the only one this happens to lol

    Zitiqueen it can appear that way sometimes but today he took it upon himself to tell her that she needs to stop her comments on his own. I think before he was assuming it wasn't bothering me as much as it is and now its starting to bother him too. He's used to how she is and she does the same thing to other people so most of the time he lets it go. He tends to avoid conflict with anyone not just with this situation.
  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I'm sure that since he's lived with her his whole life, he might not have even realized how her comments were effecting you until you brought it up. Good for him for recognizing it now though, and for speaking up for you. I would just him keep doing that and keep a smile on your face whenever you have to deal with her. Chances are, treating her with kindness will get on her nerves more than any other reaction you could have, in addition to doing so will mean you're taking the high road and not stooping to her level. And ignore anything that deserves to be ignored, like weird voicemails.

    Although, I'm snarky, so if she said something about my food being made with dog biscuits in front of me, I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from replying "Woof, woof, yum." =P
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  • edited December 2011
    I have had a lot of success with people like that by smiling, slightly shaking my head, chuckling, and saying something like "You have such a fun sense of humor!"  It usually takes the wind out of their sails.  People like that are bullies.  They are looking for the hurt reaction.  It is what they feed on.  It completely ruins their day when they don't get it.

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