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Second Weddings

My second, his first, hurt feelings

My fiance and I are both from a small midwestern town. We both have large families and a large circle of friends. This wiill be my second marriage, but he has never been married. All through our relationship, he has assured me that he does not care what kind of wedding we have, etc. But last weekend, when I was trying to talk to him about what type of *small* gathering we should do... he completely changed his mind  on me. Now, he wants to have it in our hometown (where I orginally got married, and many of the guests would be repeats...) and have a big party. I wanted to do a smaller, more intimate ceremony and reception, with about 75 people in the town where we now live together.
I feel that it is inappropriate to ask my extended family, who all live at least 5 hours away by car, to come back for my second wedding. He told me not to invite them. He doesn't understand that having a bigger wedding means inviting the people that should be invited.
Ladies... I need some help trying to iron this out. He thinks that the only reason I do not want to have our wedding in our hometown is b.c I am worried what other people will think. To some extent, that is true - I don't worry what other people think about me getting remarried. I do worry about the proper etiquette associated with a second marriage.
I need some advice. I am so sick about this dilemma that I don't even want to have a wedding anymore :(

Re: My second, his first, hurt feelings

  • edited December 2011
    maybe comprimise go towards the outskirts of town maybe yoll find something there.or a town closer to you guys and on a side note its abot the marriage not the venue
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry that you have hurt feelings.  RetreadBride is great with etiquette and will tell you about what is allowed and not for second weddings. Basically in a nutshell though there are no real rules. 

    It sounds to me like you and your FI haven't agreed on what you both want yet. It also sounds like you are worried about what other people think - don't it's not worth the stress.  You have found (hopefully) the love of your life, it doesn't matter that it's your second marriage, your love deserves to be celebrated in the manner in which you both want. 

    Having a bigger wedding doesn't mean inviting "Aunt Hilda" with whom you barely have a relationship with just because she's your Mom's first cousin's sister and she was invited to the first wedding.  This is a great time to invite only those family members with whom you have a relationship with, and to send announcements to those you feel an obligation to but do not have a relationship.

    Also both sides of the invitation list don't have to be equal either. Remember that this is a FIRST marriage with/to this man and this marriage deserves no less of a celebration.
  • AdelphiTNAdelphiTN member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Forget what others think. This isn't their marriage.

    Always remember that the reason we have weddings is to celebrate a transition in life. The event marks a change, and the gathering of people around you marks that you are asking for their acknowledgement and support. We do the same type of thing for births, funerals, graduations.

    The start of this marriage deserves just as much as your first. if you're like me, this wedding is MORE important - this time i actually realize what i'm doing!

    My advice: sit down together tonight with a glass of wine and pretend... pretend that it is a week AFTER your wedding and you are remembering what a great time you had and how wonderfully you celebrated this new stage of your life together. now - what made it so wonderful? Start putting those things into words.

    Of course you need to invite your family. Silly FI!  Figure out the wedding you and fI want. Invite the people you want. if someone has an issue then they will decline.

    Best wishes!!
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PP's.  It's also my 2nd, his first.  I didn't want a big wedding, but FI and his family did. 

    We are going to have a large guest list (because we both have large families) but we are still keeping the celebration simple.  No bridal party, a simple white dress for me, no themes, programs, favors, etc. 

    And like PPs said, I am not inviting distant family like my mom's cousins that we never talk to. 

    Best advice I can think of is to take a few days off from talking about it to calm down, then have a reasonable conversation about it to decide what is important to you two.
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  • eomohundroeomohundro member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Keep the great advice coming! I really appreciate all the feedback. It's hard to talk to my mom about this, because I am not sure where she stands about the whole thing and obv I have had some problems formulating my own thoughts on the subject. I'd like to be able to figure out what will work the best for the two of us, and then go from there, and... be excited and happy about the whole thing!

  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Welcome and congrats!

    Since Adlelphi just got married last weekend, LOL, she's talking from experience about what SHE did! Just kidding!

    It's my first wedding, my fiance's 3rd marriage (he never had anything formal, just JOP).  Neither of has large families, and our total guest list is 100 with all friends and family.

    This really is the "no rules" board, because we all have had different experiences, different histories about how many weddings, etc. We all are choosing the "experience" we want, not what others think we should have. Some brides are having small weddings with no bridal party...........some large ones. Mine is probably on the medium side for guest list, but we are doing a lot of elegant DIY touches and yes, I am wearing a white gown......actually TWO! One for the ceremony, one for the reception.

    I think the first issue is budget: What can you both afford (assuming you are both paying for it). That determines how "large" your wedding is from a guest list standpoint. From that you determine a per person price for food & alcohol that you are comfortable with, what the other elements will cost..........trust me, guys "downsize" the wedding in their minds once they understand what things cost.

    Best wishes, and keep us posted.
  • AdelphiTNAdelphiTN member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes I am, sista!! and your advice is soooo true. "Honey, inviting the next tier of cousins would be great - and approximately $1200. Can you help me gather their addresses" - that scares off a Fi's desire for a big wedding!
  • kellym050370kellym050370 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    This is a second wedding for both my FH and I and we are throwing a big party but with a smaller guest list.  I think both can work.  We are having our reception in a ballroom, open bar, tons of food but the guest list is less than 100. I personally feel you can do lavish and still have a small number of people.  So talk to your FH about possibly having a smaller guest list but in turn, going the fancier route (if you can afford it).  I think that's a good compromise.  If not, and he wants to invite everyone - GO FOR IT - it's a celebration!  No one should be punished for being married before.

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_second-his-first-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:0202d245-5259-4a38-9371-ba4d8363c3efPost:16481eee-0f5e-4542-83f4-ebb0076508df">Re: My second, his first, hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]We can make you both happy. It's never been a faux pas to have a big wedding for repeat marriages. The things repeat brides traditionally passed on were veils, showers and bachelorettes. Those rules have gone by the wayside, and you can accept a shower/B-party if someone offers. Invite those you please. If they don't feel like making the trip, they'll decline....but I'm betting travel time is the ONLY reason your friends and family would decline. I'm sure they're happy for you, and won't think you're out of place having a big wedding, especially since it's the first time for your Fi.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    This couldn't have been said better.
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