Groom is Hijacking the experience

tlogar · May 2012

Hi Everyone;

I never thought this would be an issue, but the groom is being a total Diva about the registry! He only wants to register for things we absolutely need and since we already live together, thats not much. I have been dying for a kitchenaid mixer (you know the one I am talking about), but he said we cannot register for it because it's too pricey and we wont use it. He also nixed the food processor, nice place settings (I had my eye on a beautiful set of Kate Spade), and a new comforter. He says when we need a new one we can get it, but we dont need any of the above things now. Everything I suggest gets shot down, the experience has been so bad that I dont even want to go register! Do you have any suggestions for how I can explain to my future husband that this is the time to ask for things we might not need now but will need in the future?

Please Help!

PopPow · May 2012

I say you take turns. He picks one thing, you pick one thing and so forth. You bet your heinie I am registering for a Kitchenaid stand mixer and FI will eat all the yummy things I make with it and I bet yours will too.

Cortney1982 · May 2012

Just tell him you are registering for the items you want! How are you suppose to cook without a KitchenAid and food processor??!!!

jessicabessica · May 2012

Tell him that people will want to buy you gifts for your wedding, and it makes much more sense to register for these items now and give people some guidelines rather than plan to buy everything later yourselves.

krizzo17 · May 2012

Point out that kitchenaid mixer = cupcakes. This made my fi very excited for the mixer.
Also, I'm pretty sure in this day and age, your marriage isn't valid unless you've registered for a stand mixer.

calliopeia2013 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_groom-is-hijacking-the-experience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:85032c6d-3a52-4aed-8d8f-a70cd5bbf960Post:9bfc1a27-53d6-4f17-8c52-d85b58dd3390">Re: Groom is Hijacking the experience</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like your FI dictating what can and cannot be on the registry is a symptom of a bigger problem. You are getting married, you make joint decisions now, that means everyone gets a say and the outcome should be mutually agreed on.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

This. So much this. If you can't compromise about something as minor as this, you are looking at some serious problems down the road.

Frankly, what you just described is throwing huge red flags that he's a potential financial abuser (which often grows into other types of abuse as well). I know nothing else about your relationship other than what you've described here, so I obviously have no way to know whether that's accurate. But please consider googling financial abuse and seeing if any of the other warning signs fit. And getting counseling if they do.

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_groom-is-hijacking-the-experience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:85032c6d-3a52-4aed-8d8f-a70cd5bbf960Post:9bfc1a27-53d6-4f17-8c52-d85b58dd3390">Re: Groom is Hijacking the experience</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like your FI dictating what can and cannot be on the registry is a symptom of a bigger problem. You are getting married, you make joint decisions now, that means everyone gets a say and the outcome should be mutually agreed on.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

This. I read your post last night and couldn't think of a nice way to say your registry is the least of your problems and you probably don't even know it.</div>

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_groom-is-hijacking-the-experience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:85032c6d-3a52-4aed-8d8f-a70cd5bbf960Post:9bfc1a27-53d6-4f17-8c52-d85b58dd3390">Re: Groom is Hijacking the experience</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like your FI dictating what can and cannot be on the registry is a symptom of a bigger problem. You are getting married, you make joint decisions now, that means everyone gets a say and the outcome should be mutually agreed on.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>I think the time has come to ask him the question "why does your opinion matter more than mine?" </div>

sbelle85 · May 2012

I agree with previous posters that this is a sign of a much bigger problem. You're not even married yet and he's already controlling you and telling you what you can and can't do.

ETA: So tired of TK randomly centering posts!

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_groom-is-hijacking-the-experience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:85032c6d-3a52-4aed-8d8f-a70cd5bbf960Post:a6cf2808-4d08-4026-b387-2c16149373de">Re: Groom is Hijacking the experience</a>:
[QUOTE]Just tell him you are registering for the items you want! How are you suppose to cook without a KitchenAid and food processor??!!!
Posted by Cortney1982[/QUOTE]

I cook just fine without these two things....?

I do have a KitchenAid, but it only comes out for baking things, never cooking.

egm900 · May 2012

What everyone else has said. My FI felt the same way, but got over it in the first 15 minutes, and has appreciated registering since we started getting gifts. '

Does he think people won't buy gifts? If you don't register, people will still show up with gifts, the difference being you didn't provide any guidance as to what you need/colors/style, so some of it may be useful/nice, but some you will look at and say why in the world did Aunt Sally think we would want this?

As long as you register for a nice variety of price ranges and don't go overboard on the number of things you register for, pick what you want. That's the whole point of a registry, for people to see what you want. And maybe you don't have a person or group that would buy you a KitchenAid, but you might have several people give you gift cards to that store so you can buy it.

AG2AF=2012 · May 2012

Go online and add it....he will never know

Haha but seriously, just talk to him about it. My fiance was this way at the beginning but after I explained that multiple people could go in on the gift he got better. Also, the baked goods idea works well too.

hoffse · May 2012

I agree that this could be a red flag for a bigger problem. Also, sorry but things like china and bedding are extremely traditional wedding gifts. My parents actually get upset when brides don't register for china because then they "don't know what to get!" It's kind of ridiculous, but it's their go-to gift, and they love giving it. If you want the kate spade (library lane by any chance? I love so much of her stuff) you should get the kate spade. Odds are you will actually get a lot of it. You can also register for it by piece instead of by place setting so that things appear to be less expensive.

If this isn't a symptom of a bigger problem, you can point out the baking thing. I would also point out the completion discount thing. 10% off can go a long way over a standmixer, bedding, etc. and you will probably end up with so many gift cards that it makes sense to have some higher ticket items on there that you can use your gift cards and completion discounts for.

Your opinion counts, and frankly a lot of guys aren't in to registering in general. I would bet that most wedding registries are driven largely by the tastes of the bride. I know my FI has had a lot of input, but I've gotten strange looks from people when I tell them that he helped pick the china pattern. It's not fair for your FI to prevent you from getting things you want at the one and only time in your life when this sort of thing is acceptable and reasonably anticipated. I like PP's suggestion of you pick a thing, he picks a thing. He shouldn't get total veto power though. My FI could veto things like patterns, colors, etc if he really hated it... but not the objects themselves. That's one way we compromised.

Wiscisbliss · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_groom-is-hijacking-the-experience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:85032c6d-3a52-4aed-8d8f-a70cd5bbf960Post:9df91fee-2743-4918-a196-4d1b0af28ab7">Re: Groom is Hijacking the experience</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that this could be a red flag for a bigger problem. Also, sorry but things like china and bedding are extremely traditional wedding gifts. My parents actually get upset when brides don't register for china because then they "don't know what to get!" It's kind of ridiculous, but it's their go-to gift, and they love giving it. If you want the kate spade (library lane by any chance? I love so much of her stuff) you should get the kate spade. Odds are you will actually get a lot of it. You can also register for it by piece instead of by place setting so that things appear to be less expensive. If this isn't a symptom of a bigger problem, you can point out the baking thing. I would also point out the completion discount thing. 10% off can go a long way over a standmixer, bedding, etc. and you will probably end up with so many gift cards that it makes sense to have some higher ticket items on there that you can use your gift cards and completion discounts for. Your opinion counts, and frankly a lot of guys aren't in to registering in general. I would bet that most wedding registries are driven largely by the tastes of the bride. I know my FI has had a lot of input, but I've gotten strange looks from people when I tell them that he helped pick the china pattern. It's not fair for your FI to prevent you from getting things you want at the one and only time in your life when this sort of thing is acceptable and reasonably anticipated. I like PP's suggestion of you pick a thing, he picks a thing. He shouldn't get total veto power though. <strong>My FI could veto things like patterns, colors, etc if he really hated it... but not the objects themselves. That's one way we compromised.</strong>
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Good idea. DH hated the sheet pattern I picked so we worked together to find a neutral one.

</div>

Carlarob21 · May 2012

Whoa! Too much over-analyzing! I don't feel this is some major red-flag! I bet he is just very practical--like my FI. My love was like that at first but eased up once I explained this is the time where we get to ask for all those things that we always wanted or won't actually buy ourselves. Also, he was against the mixer at first but after talking with him about how we may not use it a lot at the present time--we will definitely use it a bunch once we have kids. Give him some time, it will get better. Have him talk to his mom or sister

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