Brother and Sister in wedding...but can't afford outfits...help!!!

sparrow1102 · December 2010

Neither my or my fiance's families are helping pay for our May wedding. Not for lack of wanting to help, but neither family can afford to. My brother and my sister are both going to be in the wedding, as an usher and a bridesmaid. But when I approached my mother about getting their measurements for the suit and dress, both of which will cost about $90 apiece, she informed me they couldn't afford the outfits and that my brother and sister would find alternate outfits that would coordinate. I understand that my parents are strapped for money, but I want my siblings to match the rest of the attendants. I can't afford to buy their clothes either. Should I ask them to bow out of the wedding party and help elsewhere?? HELP!!!

tidetravel · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-sister-weddingbut-cant-afford-outfitshelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6082cb2-9be8-449a-9199-4bdd646527dePost:5c0092f3-c143-4c57-9747-8a934f7b8e24">Brother and Sister in wedding...but can't afford outfits...help!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Neither my or my fiance's families are helping pay for our May wedding. Not for lack of wanting to help, but neither family can afford to. My brother and my sister are both going to be in the wedding, as an usher and a bridesmaid. But when I approached my mother about getting their measurements for the suit and dress, both of which will cost about $90 apiece, she informed me they couldn't afford the outfits and that my brother and sister would find alternate outfits that would coordinate. I understand that my parents are strapped for money, but I want my siblings to match the rest of the attendants. I can't afford to buy their clothes either. Should I ask them to bow out of the wedding party and help elsewhere?? HELP!!!
Posted by sparrow1102[/QUOTE]

Generally, the duties of a member of the WP are to get the required attire, and show up at the wedding. If they don't do that, then it's usually accepted that they're out of the WP. That being said, these are your siblings. Let them wear something that they can afford that coordinates. Your "vision" of your wedding shouldn't be more important than the relationships with the people in it.

arbolita · December 2010

How much is your wedding costing total? Because in terms of wedding costs, $180 really is not all that much. If you really want them to be a part of your wedding, either let them wear alternative outfits, or cut back somewhere else and help them out with paying for it.

If you kick them out because they can't afford it, be prepared for your relationship with them never to recover.

ast284 · December 2010

Could you find a cheaper BM dress and maybe your brother could borrow a suit from someone? Or maybe you could splti the cost with your mom, since it seems they will be getting something. You'll find around here that asking them to step down after you have already asked them to be in your WP is a big negative.

sister2groom · December 2010

Being an usher is not really that much of an honor, I mean, they're doing you a favor so I don't think they should be required to buy any special attire (obviously he should wear something decent, but presumably he'd do that as a guest at his sister's wedding anyhow).

For my siblings, I would want them in my wedding no matter what, so I would just let them wearing coordinating things.

PsyDet 2155 · December 2010

Can you help them with the cost of the attire?

lyndausvi · December 2010

You have a few options:

- pay for the outfits yourself. $180 is not a huge amount IMO.

- ask your mom to pay as much as possible and you cover the rest

- have all your BM wear the same color but be able to choose their own dress. That way they can buy a dress in their budget

- pick different outfits to match your mom's budget

I would never kick my siblings out of a wedding due to expenses.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

Are these children/teens? If so, just let them wear what they have. It makes sense that they wear something different. If they are adults, I don't see why they aren't paying for their own anyway.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

Well, when they said they would be in your wedding, it is assumed they knew they would have to pay for outfits, as that is usually part of the deal. If they couldn't afford it, they should have said no or that made that clear from the get-go.

HOWEVER, they are family and very close family at that, so I'm assuming you really want them in the wedding regardless. Perhaps you could offer to chip in whatever you can afford? Or just allow them the coordinating outfits. The only other option is to stick with what you have, tell them politely you can not afford to contribute, but you understand if they are unable to be in the WP b/c of cost, but just understand they may back out.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

If your brother is just an usher, any suit or dress pants and tie will do. However, if he is a GM as well, then I can see you wanting them to match. We had all of our siblings in our wedding and I wouldn't of had it any other way.

I think all of the other ladies have good advice. I am sure if you sat down and looked at your wedding related expenses, you could find something to cut that would allow you to still have your siblings in the wedding with the attire you want.

DramaGeek · December 2010

In all cases, you should ask the person's budget before choosing or plan to pay for it yourself. In this case, I'd ask your mom how much they can afford and then either A) pay the difference so they can wear the same thing or

shop together to find something that coordinates and fits the budget.

Simply Fated · December 2010

How much did your mother say she was willing to pay? I mean, $180 for two outfits isn't really that much, on average, but if it's not in their budget, it's not in their budget. How much did you mother say was in their budget for their outfits?

brilibby4 · December 2010

Either let them wear alternative outfits or pay for the clothes you want them to wear. If them wearing matching outfits is that important to you, you can easily adjust your budget to allow you to buy their outfits for them. You could skip favors, use cheaper flowers, or do your own makeup and/or hair depending on which aspects of the wedding are most important to you.

zantster · December 2010

- pick different outfits to match your mom's budget

This is the best option IMO.

One other option is to find out if your sister has her heart set on being a bridesmaid... I don't know how old she is but my 14 year old goddaughter actually prefers the option of being a hostess, so that's what she is. I asked her which she'd rather be and she chose hostess cause she doesn't like the limelight.

I know it's hard to figure out a different outfit for a bridesmaid, plus when you have to add in shoes and accessories it can be a lot. But if she wanted to be like a hostess while her brother is an usher then you could just get something like a matching sash and cumberbund so they are recognizable as being a part of the WP and save money that way.

Good luck!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-sister-weddingbut-cant-afford-outfitshelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6082cb2-9be8-449a-9199-4bdd646527dePost:1c32a38c-8a3d-41fd-ac9f-fd2c95dd3046">Re: Brother and Sister in wedding...but can't afford outfits...help!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]How much is your wedding costing total? <strong>Because in terms of wedding costs, $180 really is not all that much</strong>. If you really want them to be a part of your wedding, either let them wear alternative outfits, or cut back somewhere else and help them out with paying for it. If you kick them out because they can't afford it, be prepared for your relationship with them never to recover.
Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]

<div>Seriously. I paid for my WP's attire because I knew if I didn't, some of them wouldn't have been able to afford to be in the wedding. Them being there was more important than me paying for the clothes.</div><div>
</div><div>So your choices are to cut back somewhere else and pay for the clothes, or to let them wear something else. Or to let everyone wear something else. Also, ushers just wear suits and ties, right, or am I crazy? I would never make anyone but a GM rent a tux.</div>

garcias1 · December 2010

Your mom sounds reasonable in that she's willing to pay for outfits that coordinate with the WP. Honestly, your brother doesn't have to match anyone if he is an usher. So he should just be able to wear any suit that he wants (I don't know if he already has one). If your sister gets a dress that's the same color, but different style, it's not the end of the world. You could even get away with telling her to wear a black dress, if she already has one. Since she is your sister, it would not be weird for her to not wear the exact same thing as the rest of your WP.

If you really want your sister to match the rest of the WP, then ask your mom what she can afford and pay the difference. If you let your brother wear a suit that he already has (or borrow someone else's), your mom may even be able to pay for your sister's dress.

LuluP82 · December 2010

You should have asked your mom (since it seems she's paying for the outfits) first what her budget was BEFORE making choices. Agree with the others-- at this point, either buy the outfits yourself, offer to pay the difference, or let them wear whatever they want. It seems like they're willing to work with you and get a "coordinating" outfit.

We had a similar situation. We were paying for all GM's tuxes, because they were coming in from out of the country. Well, we also had a RB, and we just added him to the wedding party at the tux place. When his dad went to pick up the tux, he thought it was too pricey, so he switched the kid into a coordinating suit. He asked us if it was okay, and at that point, I realized how embarrassing it was for US-- that we just assumed he'd have $120 to spend on a 7 year old's tux! No one noticed or cared that he looked different.

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-sister-weddingbut-cant-afford-outfitshelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6082cb2-9be8-449a-9199-4bdd646527dePost:65ab0a8d-a15f-40e7-9677-0bb0c4543b45">Re: Brother and Sister in wedding...but can't afford outfits...help!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]- pick different outfits to match your mom's budget This is the best option IMO. One other option is to find out if your sister has her heart set on being a bridesmaid... I don't know how old she is but <strong>my 14 year old goddaughter actually prefers the option of being a hostess, so that's what she is. </strong> I asked her which she'd rather be and she chose hostess cause she doesn't like the limelight. I know it's hard to figure out a different outfit for a bridesmaid, plus when you have to add in shoes and accessories it can be a lot. But if she wanted to be like a hostess while her brother is an usher then you could just get something like a matching sash and cumberbund so they are recognizable as being a part of the WP and save money that way. Good luck!
Posted by zantster[/QUOTE]

Could you explain this to me? I've seen people mention this "position" before and I don't understand. A host/hostess is the person hosting the reception...presumably the person paying for the affair. How do you nominate someone to "host" your event if they aren't actually hosting? What are you expecting this person to do?

fhorns147 · December 2010

If you think it would help, you can ask your siblings and/or mom to make the clothes or part of the cost of the clothes your wedding present so they don't have to worry about paying for this and a wedding present. Of course, if you think they weren't going to get you a wedding present anyway, that's out.

zantster · December 2010

Hey Mel:

Well, when I was 15 I was a "hostess" at my cousin's wedding. Well, at least that is what they told me my position was. In any case, all I did was help out like an usher helps out, except instead of showing people to their seats I handed out programs, coordinated the placement of gifts, greeted people, etc. I guess it was kind of like a glorified assistant role. But again I was 15 at the time and still got dressed up and felt like someone special so I didn't care. That's why I was wondering how old her sister was. The other suggestions are good too. I was just thinking that in case she finds that the expense of being a bridesmaid is incompatible with her mom's budget perhaps she could switch the sister's position. The brother's position as usher is easier to deal with without running the risk of things clashing.

Brother and Sister in wedding...but can't afford outfits...help!!!

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