Questions about Honeymoon Registry

husweetpea · November 2011

This is my fiance and I's second marriage. We have everything that we need, but I read something about a honeymoon registry. Do people really do this? What is etiquitte on this? My original thought was we just wouldn't register for anything, but when I found this, I thought it sounded pretty cool. Can I get thoughts/opinions? I'm just not sure how comfortable I am with this for a "gift".

Thanks for your help!!

Avion22 · November 2011

I think they are a bad idea.

First of all, you don't actually GET the gift that your guests purchase for you. Say they purchase a couple's massage for $150. You don't get a gift certificate for a massage, you get a check for like $142 (most honeymoon registry funds subtract fees). So really your guest isn't getting what they are buying, and you're not gettign what's been given, and the compnay still takes a fee out.

If you don't need anything, that don't regsiter. Your friends and family can spread the word that you are saving up for honeymoon, house repairs, family vacation, or whatever. Then they can just give you cash.

right1thistime · November 2011

I think this is an area where conventional etiquette gets it wrong. Because it is essentially asking for cash, etiquette says its not ok. However, depending on the company you use, and the type of vacation you are taking for your honeymoon, it can be very nice, for both the giver and receiver.

We didn't register for it, however, my BILs got together and gave us a shipboard credit for our cruise honeymoon. It essentially paid for all of our excursions, and a couples massage. Because they did it directly with the cruiseline, there were no handling fees.

I think there is at least one company without handling fees for a more traditional honeymoon registry. I think its nicest if, rather than registering for the trip, you register for the little extras. That way your guests are paying for your ski lift tickets in Vail rather than 4 hours of your weeklong vacation. ~Donna

JCWhitey · November 2011

In some of them you can register for physical gifts, not just money grabbings things. Items like robes, bottles of champagne, beach towels, etc. I think that would be OK. I personally see nothing wrong with people buying you things you will get on your honeymoon and can also enjoy back home.

handfast4me · November 2011

I've softened a great deal on this one. With so many couples marrying after living together or after having been out on their own, or <gasp> even after having been previously married to other partners, I think these sorts of registries make sense, whether others term it as a "faux pas" or not. To me, these registries are no more a request for a gift than any other registry. The guests choose whether they give a gift or not, whether it's to this sort of registry or any other type.

handfast4me · November 2011

Well, we can agree to disagree, Retread. Many people do not like to give cash, because they think it is impersonal. And again, no one is forcing the guests to give that way, but it is a suggestion.

Here's something to think about: for every store registry, DH and I had the option of if we wanted a gift certificate. Interestingly, those gift certificates were the only things we got from our registry! I think that things have moved on, like it or not, and 10 years from now no one will think twice about this sort of thing. Whether we try to stop it or not, this is becoming the norm. The paradigm is shifting.

right1thistime · November 2011

I'm not sure that "what works for us" is such a bad thing. Indoor plumbing certainly works for me. As does more fuel efficient vehicles. And mint dental floss.

Handfast's point is that the world evolves. Her opinion about honeymoon registries, and mine, have evolved.

And a large portion of society doesn't care about all of the rules of fealty, either. They were once significant components of getting along in the world, but they no longer were pertinent to the world of modern times and interest fell away. I think that some rules of etiquette need to evolve to be pertinent in modern times.

Things like: printing out address labels for invitations. How is the other person harmed by receiving a computer generated (and therefore legible) label on their invitation? It was lovely in the 1900's for a young lady to sit and write marvelous calligraphy on an invitation. Said young lady probably didn't work a 10 hour day with a 2 hour commute.

Suggesting that I might like an excursion to see the eagles in Alaska while on my honeymoon is no more presumptuous than suggesting that I might like an elaborate place setting of good china that I will only use twice a year. It's your $250, would you prefer to spend it on a memory that will last a lifetime, or on a dust collector that will be one setting in a set of 8 or 12? And frankly, there's plenty of people that will instead buy something unwanted, as you and I both experienced from good intentioned guests.

I agree that asking for cash in a blunt way is crass. Gift cards are becoming more and more common, and I see them as a way to show the intent of the gift ( here, I'd like you to choose something from Lenox or Sharper Image) while acknowledging that people don't have the time to spend exchanging items for things they really want.

right1thistime · November 2011

And you edited the post while I was writing. Which I won't do in return. I'll just add that you are correct, the world is becoming a more entitled place. There's really no skin off my nose if some entitled person decides that the choice they made to not have a big to-do left them lacking in some way. It's their guests who will be secretly ridiculing their plans. And they very well may do the same to the honeymoon registry, the computer label addresses or the email RSVPs.

Different strokes, as they say.

RichNicci4211122 · December 2011

My FI and I thought long and hard about the honeymoon registry. I even went as far as to ask a few people what they thought of the idea. Everyone of the people that I asked what they thought about it, thought it was a great idea. We did go ahead and do the traditional registry as well for those who do think that we are asking for money or are more traditional. This gives our guest more one option. Just like if I were to register at more than one store. In my opinion it's no different than my guests giving me cash or a check in a card at my reception or through the mail. They are under no obligation to bring a gift or give money. And if no one participates in it we will still go on our honeymoon.

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