People getting insulted when children are not invited to your wedding

kcr425 · May 2010

I would love to get some feedback on this subject. My fiance' and I decided from the beginning of our planning that we wanted to have an adult only wedding. Everyone understands, except his sister. She lives out of town and has two boys, ages 4 and 6. When we got engaged his mother said that there was no way that they should come to the wedding because they are not well behaved. When his sister expressed her anger, his mom changed her mind. His mother told us that if we do not invite the children, that this will likely cause bad blood and their relationship with my fiance' and I would be ruined. I called his sister, trying to offer suggestions on how we could both be happy with this. She is refusing to let anyone watch her children, unless it is her parents or his parents (who do not live here). I offered to have someone come to the reception to watch them in another room so that they could be close by. She will not budge.
       His mom said she has talked to everyone in the family about this and they think we are starting off on the wrong foot and they think it is horrible how we are acting. On the other hand, everyone who we have talked to have said that they are being disrespectful, irrational and ridiculous that they are taking this so personally. She also said that they bought plane tickets for the kids to come (even though they were told before they booked the tickets that they were not invited), trying to make us feel bad.
      We feel at this point that we are being blackmailed and are completely at odds at what to do. This is one aspect that we really want.
      So, do we invite the children, even though it is going to make us unhappy, or do we not invite them and risk angering his side of the family, not to mention all of the other parents of kids that are not invited. I feel that it should be no children or all children. I have told her that this is not a personal attack against her children and that I cannot wait to have nephews. We told his mom that the kids would be happier at home with a babysitter, being able to play and run around versus at a formal even where they are told to be quiet. His mom said that they never leave the kids, never go out, the kids can't handle it.We just do not want screaming children at our ceremony or reception. Are we being out of line here, and also because this involves immediate family?

Simply Fated · May 2010

First off, you're FMIL is very wrong for going around and talking about this to other people and making you out to be the bad person.

I think both of you should stop doing that. It's probably making people uncomfortable and I wonder if they feel obligated to just agree with whomever.

Now.. you said that they needed plane tickets to get to your wedding.... oh hun, I have to say, a lot of people choose to never leave their young children alone that far away overnight with a stranger. Especially if it's for more than one night. Can you blame them for wanting to take their kids with them?
I do think they should find a sitter close to the reception site, though. Surely there must be tons of perfectly capable baby-sitters nearby who can watch them for a few hours. You can help them look for one.

I agree that if you invite some kids, you should invite all kids. They're probably going to ignore you and bring them, anyway, but at least you tried.

jeanna85 · May 2010

I think adult only receptions are fine when all people are local (that's what we're doing and the parents we've talked to a looking forward to a night off from parenting). if they had to leave their children a plane ride away it would be a different story. I don't think you can ask people to do that.

banana468 · May 2010

First of all, I totally disagree that if you invite some kids you invite all. That notion is absolutely stupid. We didn't invite all coworkers or everyone that we consider a friend so why would all children come into play?

I think your FSIL is being awful about this. Adults need to understand that there will be occasions where their children aren't invited to be included.

That said, if this is creating a huge family issue, is it worth it? You can indeed invite just the two kids. If people question, just say, "We invited the children of our siblings only."

Only you two can decide which is better - being "right" in an etiquette book and sticking to your guns or damaging this relationship with his sister. I agree that you're right, but sometimes it just makes sense to bend.

kebmtm071605 · May 2010

It's ridiculous that it has already gotten out of hand. Yes, you are entitled to have a child-free wedding if that is what you wish. But you need to also be willing to deal with the consequences that may bring.

Your FSIL only allows family members watch her children, and that is perfectly reasonable. To expect her to allow a stranger to watch her children (no matter how well YOU may know them) is insane. Are her ILs in their hometown? Could they leave the children home with them? From her perspective, since she is flying home for her brother's wedding and to see all her family, it seems pretty logical that she would want to bring her children home with her for a visit.

Seriously, it is not worth the fight IMO. Let her bring the kids. It's perfectly fine to just allow nieces/nephews and no other children. You will hardly notice their presence on the wedding day. If you don't allow them, you WILL start off your relationship with the ILs on a bad foot.

Yes, she is being pushy. Yes, she should have asked rather than demanded.

smore154 · May 2010

I think the whole situation stinks- but my opinion is that most "child free" weddings have some exceptions. Mine is "child free"- however- my 9 and 5 year old cousins are in it- as well as my FI's niece (flower girl). The only other kids that will be invited are two step cousins.

Honestly- if this was me you have to realize- it's his sister and I don't know the family situation, but if I was her I would think it's kind of odd my kids couldn't come even if it's a child free wedding. I can't say I would ALLOW them to lol, but I'd feel a little hurt.

lyndausvi · May 2010

I do not believe in all or nothing when it comes to kids.

I think it's completely reasonable to invite the groom's nephews and no other kids. Especially when these kids are OOT, they do not use babysitters outside the family and all the family will be at the wedding.

lizziemoopsc · May 2010

If you're not including them out of etiquette, you can only include nieces and nephews, as pp have said. However, if you want a childfree wedding, you can absolutely have a childfree wedding. I feel like I get the mom's concerns about leaving them for a few days or only wanting family members to watch them, however, I also feel like she is completely in the wrong for buying plane tickets and "forcing" her way. I think it comes down to what is more important to you: Having a childfree wedding, or keeping her happy and family ties in tact. It's a crappy situation for sure, and I think that it's awful she put you in that crappy situation, but really all you can do is decide what you want to do with it.

aMrsin09 · May 2010

Agree with all the PPs but I have to ask why is no one telling FSIL that SHE is damaging the future relationship by being so demanding? I can promise you that if someone so blatantly didn't give a crap about MY wishes, the brats would be allowed, but the future relationship would be cold as ice.

I really wish that people didn't automatically assume the bride is always in the wrong and doing the "damage".

polichik · May 2010

I think the bigger issue is how your FMIL and FSIL are going about it. I'm going to set the kids issue aside here and point out that they're trying to bully you into giving them what they want. If they were asking nicely, I'd say that you should invite the kids, but I see this as a boundary issue that you shouldn't give in on. Adults have to learn that they don't always get what they want. Giving in now sends the FSIL a message that if she gets nasty enough and stamps her feet enough, you'll do whatever she wants. Not a good precedent to set.

Krysti21 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-getting-insulted-children-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bc6f03ea-2cd7-4ed3-945e-d776b39b2354Post:a319e55a-3a91-4f6f-823e-31a4a2b6c485">Re: People getting insulted when children are not invited to your wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the bigger issue is how your FMIL and FSIL are going about it. I'm going to set the kids issue aside here and point out that they're trying to bully you into giving them what they want. If they were asking nicely, I'd say that you should invite the kids, but I see this as a boundary issue that you shouldn't give in on. Adults have to learn that they don't always get what they want. Giving in now sends the FSIL a message that if she gets nasty enough and stamps her feet enough, you'll do whatever she wants. Not a good precedent to set.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

Exactly what I was going to say. They are the ones hurting the relationship right now. No, you don't want to start out that way, but you also don't want to start out by becoming their dormat. If you give in now, it'll be harder for you to stand up for yourself later when they continue to bully you in the future.

Also, your FI should be standing up for you.

JanoBean75 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-getting-insulted-children-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bc6f03ea-2cd7-4ed3-945e-d776b39b2354Post:a2bf4820-f58d-4a43-b31a-9d26a285eff3">Re: People getting insulted when children are not invited to your wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree with all the PPs but I have to ask why is no one telling FSIL that SHE is damaging the future relationship by being so demanding? I can promise you that if someone so blatantly didn't give a crap about MY wishes, the brats would be allowed, but the future relationship would be cold as ice. I really wish that people didn't automatically assume the bride is always in the wrong and doing the "damage".
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

This.

What's your FI doing in all this? Is he letting you fight this battle alone? He needs to step up and get involved.

bzielazny · May 2010

Niether my sister or I had kids at our wedding. We did however, hire babysitters for out of town guests. We rented rooms in the hotel and brought in pizza. It worked great. I dont know why more people dont do this. The out of towners could not have come if they had to leave their one year old home. and local people can get their own babysitters. That's my advice to you, get babysiiters!

dawn4433 · May 2010

I think that if you don't want kids at your wedding.. You dont have to have kids at your wedding. No matter what anyone says it does change the vibe and especially bad mannered children.

If her or her husband CHOOSE not to have anyone but family watch their kids and they want to bring the children. Well-- they can take shifts and stay in the hotel room with the kids. Problem solved. I'm assuming the 6 year old is in school so the whole concept of no one but family with the kids seems a little ridiculous to me but to each his own and they can deal with the problem they created themselves.

People getting insulted when children are not invited to your wedding

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