Shaking my head....

lyndausvi · December 2009

BM/MOH are suppose to be woman who you want to honor. It's even in one of the titles.

At most events an honored guests is actually honored. Apparently not if you are a female in a wedding.

If you have this 'honor' bestowed on you, you are now required to do anything and everything the brides wants regardless how you feel and/or can afford. Even GM are treated better than bridesmaids.

I might think twice about excepting this 'honor' in the future and just be a regular old guests. Then I be comfortable in my attire and just enjoy the fun part of the wedding.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

I'm so glad I found the Knot, especially this board. I wanted the least stressful planning experience possible, and the wise ladies here have helped me keep the perspective necessary to do that.

I know that my WP is glad I found this board too. I went dress shopping with my groomswoman, and she was raving that our wedding will be so laid back and so fun. I haven't really asked anyone for help, and pretty much everyone has offered, even people who aren't in the wedding.

Really, it's not that hard. I think that some girls just thrive on stress and drama, it's the only explanation.

blackfire5th · December 2009

I almost wish everyone could get married twice. Have the first pretend wedding and stress about everything and go bridezilla and then have the second wedding after you realize that none of the stuff you stressed over mattered at all.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

I'm really glad Im 30 and not 20, because all of this MUD might have actually mattered to me then. Not to say all younger brides are like this, but I have had the opportunity to serve in and attend many different weddings and get more perspective on the whole affair by this point in my life.

I'd rather my sisters not be naked for my wedding, but other than that, they can look like whatever they want to look like. As long as they are there and I get hitched, its all gravy. Turning my friends and family into my own personal barbies for the day will not make my marriage more valid.

Ive said it before and i'm sure I'll say it many more times: If people put as much care and effort into their marriages, and choosing the right partner, as they do into their wedding days, there wouldn't be as much divorce in this country.

lyndausvi · December 2009

so very true.

I honestly did not see one of my BM's dress until 2 days before. It was brown that is all I cared about.

I could not tell you what their shoes looked like (well my sister's, but I was with her at the time she bought them.)

Nails? no clue, I know they did not match each other.

My SIL had short hair at the RD and showed up with extensions o n the wedding day. She looked great.

I promise future brides most of these little details do not matter.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Ugh. I actually know a girl IRL that behaved this way. She demanded a shower, and was nutty about BM appearance and all that. She actually kicked her own sister out b/c she wouldn't help with wedding tasks.

But the wedding wasn't the first hint. When she first got engaged, everyone was already joking that she was going to be a huge bridezilla. She was a psycho long before she got engaged, and is still like that.

I guess there are plenty of people in the world that are spoiled brats and just not good people who mistreat their friends. Apparently, they get married too.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

I definitely had a few "young bride" moments early on, and I got some really good advice. We're coming up on four months out and the only people who have outfits set are me and one of my bridesmaids. I'm not stressed about it. We'll try to get FI back into the tux shop for a try-on after the holidays (I'm guessing they're probably slammed right now, which is why they never returned my call...), and I trust the girls to find something suitable in time. There's a bunch of other stuff I could be freaking about, but why bother?

It's been said here before that every woman should have to go through at least one stage production before getting married, and I completely agree. Being in theatre teaches you that things will go wrong, sometimes catastrophically; the key is being flexible, thinking on your feet, and never letting the audience know that things got screwed up. A wedding is nothing if not a theatrical production, and the same rules apply.

blackfire5th · December 2009

I just kept telling myself throughout planning and the wedding day that things will go wrong, but everything will be okay and it really helped. I do admitt that I was pretty stressed when the chuch double booked our date and told us we had to move since the deacon knew the other couple (even though we had put down money first...) and then the deacon almost double booked us a second time months later because he never wrote us down.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

See, but something that might prevent the wedding from happening is a legitimate thing to stress about. A bride won't be any less married if a bridesmaid has a tattoo, or if the flowers are all wrong, or if the gowns aren't exactly the right shade of tiffany blue.

blackfire5th · December 2009

Or that they don't get their hair done.

Here is a post from the nest. In this case the SIL/bm was crazy, but the bride didn't act as well as she could have probably due to stressing out about the wedding.

http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/26715707.aspx

banana468 · December 2009

It definitely helped to read posts here before I did anything.

The other thing that helped was to see some of my friends be BMs already and listen to their main gripes.

The one thing I've never understood is why the "But it's my day," line is ever used as justification.

There isn't a day that you can be rude or mean to your friends and family and get away with it. Ever.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

Yep, for as long as I have lived, the earth has always orbited the sun. I learned that in elementary science. I have no delusions that on my wedding day it will change its course to revolve around me, literally or figurativly.

wcvsb3b5 · December 2009

aerinpegadrak, I totally agree! There are many things that I and my family/friends don't know or are misinformed about and the knot has made it sooo much easier to get good advice!

mags0607 · December 2009

I am still pretty early on in the process, and I am sure that there will be hurdles, but for now, I just don't get the drama.

I have been a four time bridesmaid, and in all but one, I had amazing brides that acted as a friend first, and a bride second. To me, that's how it should be.

My MOH and best friend set the precedent for being a really good bride/friend. She saw her cake two hours before the ceremony, and had no idea what it would look like before then. She didn't stress about it. She and I had a long talk the day after I got engaged and she told me the best advice. Simply, "don't sweat the small stuff.'

I am trying to use that as a filter for everything I do, as most of the regulars on here do for the advice they give and how they acted during their weddings. I just don't think that most people treat their friends as props on a daily basis, but for some reason there is a perception that is okay when you are getting married. This is wrong, and I hope this is changed soon.

My bridesmaid dresses won't match. I might have a MOH in a pantsuit (oh the horror!!!) They won't have matching shoes, I won't force them to do professional hair/makeup, and I won't buy them gifts to wear in my wedding. But what I will do is make sure they are comfortable, and treat them as I do every other day of my friendship with them.

blackfire5th · December 2009

Seriously!!??!!! What is with so many newbie brides all of a sudden that want to treat their friends like dirt???!?

I decided to stick around on this board to help brides know that they don't need to follow these bridal party rules that they read in magazines and see in movies. I thought that maybe I could make some small difference by offering my experience. I guess when we used to have DD's, I just never realized how many greedy brides there were out there.

lyndausvi · December 2009

I hate "but It's MY day" excuse because is not normally just one day for the BM.

The rudeness and demands of the bride normally span months before the wedding.

for example the BM attire. Now you can say just suck it up for one day. But in my experience I spend a day(s) looking for the dress with the bride. Then I order the thing. Then when it comes in try it on, then I have to have a fitting. Then I have to go back at pick it up. In some cases you spend more time finding/ordering/altering the dress than you do wearing it.

Now if you are at least moderately comfortable with the attire. This process is not a big deal.

If you are uncomfortable to very uncomfortable with the attire, this process becomes stressful. Each and everytime you deal with the attire you remember how uncomfortable you are.

So yes I will suck up wearing the thing for a day. But my stress/uncomfortable level has far exceeded just one day and I become resentful.

blackfire5th · December 2009

I think the phrase that bothers me more than "it's my day" is "it's just one day!"

Yeah, it is just one day, so why are you making such a big deal out of this?

I made two mistakes when planning my wedding. My first was to not ask all the bm what their budgets were. The second was to not give them any input on the dress. Thankfully the dresses were cheap and fit in everyones budget and all the girls actually liked the dress and felt comfortable in it, so I really lucked out there. I just wish that I had found theknot earlier so that I could have learned from other experiences.

It is just starting to get under my skin that some brides are almost going out of their way to treat their friends poorly. I just wish that more would understand that we are not attacking them, we are just giving them the words of wisdom that were given to us or that we wish we would have heard.

emilyinchile · December 2009

I made a couple minor mistakes early on, and I agree in my case it was related to being young (24) and never having been a BM so I didn't know how things work (jr BM when I was 12 doesn't count). I didn't ask each BM for her budget, which was a no-no, but I got lucky in that I know my BMs financial situations and how much they'd generally be ok spending on a dress, and everyone's happy. I do have them in matching dresses that I chose, I'm not as laid-back as some people, but the final dress was one that 2 of my BMs suggested because they liked it best out of some they went to try on - and it's way better than ones I was looking at before!

I am definitely grateful to this board for not only keeping me from making a couple other mistakes (I almost micromanaged the gold sandals but realized it.doesn't.matter) but also for really giving me the feeling with everything, not just WP, that it's not worth stressing over. I've had 2 dreams so far where things go wrong at the wedding, and in both I just kind of shrug and go "oh well, it's still a fun day"...which is so much nicer than spending the next 3 months freaking out over whether my flowers will be perfect.

gottahavashorti · December 2009

[QUOTE]Seriously!!??!!! What is with so many newbie brides all of a sudden that want to treat their friends like dirt???!?
Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]

I think it's because we made it to the hot topics on the front page of The Knot again.

I did make WP related mistakes very early on. But they just annoyed me rather than impacting friendships or the comfort of the WP.

I think a lot of the things that are frowned upon here are assumed to be the only way by new brides who don't know any better, without a second thought as to alternatives. They just do what they've seen previously and assume it's okay.

megk8oz · December 2009

I don't think I've made too many mistakes during all of this. But I can't really say I owe much of that to The Knot either.

I think a really super huge part of why I haven't screwed up royally is because I only had 5 and 1/2 months to throw everything together. Decisions had to get made, I didn't have time to worry my pretty little head about stupid crap. Because I knew "If I spend 2 months debating a shade of purple for my napkin color, I'm not going to have time to work on something that actually matters".

A lot of people here know my story by now, I've been engaged since March 2008, FI and I knew from the get-go we were footing the whole bill. Right after I got engaged, I started making tiny plans, but every time I started making some progress, we'd get shut down for some financial reason or other and have to push back the date. Every time this happened, I'd get really upset because the planning "got my hopes up". Finally, I said "Screw it, I'm not touching the wedding with a 10-foot pole until we have a date set in stone". And I meant it. We booked on July 18th 2009, and I began actual planning on July 19th.

Aside from not asking my BMs their budget (Which I had a pretty good idea of anyway, since we're all broke, lol), I haven't made many mistakes, because I haven't had time to. I basically left myself with no margin for error, so I just have to be smart and get it right.

I don't want to knock anybody who planned for 2 years, but I really see how that can create trouble. Because there's so much frickin time, and you're so excited you just want to do everything all day, every day ... and then I think you get to a point where you're still several months out, and you're actually losing steam, and so is everybody around you, and it just makes you pissy and nit-picky about every.little.detail. Having that much time is essentially giving you too much time on your hands to just invent stuff to think about.

I seriously think if I'd been doing solid planning since my engagement up until now ... well, I'd have dresses and BMs that I hate (Like everything else: I didn't ask anybody until we had a date set), I'd be wanting to change everything else I've picked because my taste has changed drastically in the past 2 years ... and I'd also be thinking "I just wanna get this damn thing over with" ... which is not a healthy way to look at your wedding.

megk8oz · December 2009

Oh and regarding OP's point about GM ... yeah, it's not fair. They really are only expecting to "Get attire, show up wearing it". Maybe they participate in the Bach party (Which, to men is "Hey, let's just plan an awesome night"), but that's it.

GMs have it made. Bastages.

banana468 · December 2009

I don't know that Say Yes To the Dress puts bad ideas in people's heads unless they're listening to the consultants at Kleinfeld who say that it's "her day".

And well, they're doing their best to make a sale.

mags0607 · December 2009

The only real "mistake" I have made so far is asking my wedding party a little too soon in some opinions. I am 10 months out, and asked them a couple weeks ago after we got the date set in stone. I think my BMs are more excited to go dress shopping than I am..lol.

I am sure that there will be hurdles, but for now I am too stressed with work to do anything other than Knot about the wedding. My decision making abilities are shot for now, hopefully in January they will be back.

signingjulie · December 2009

Reading all the message boards for the past 6 months and now this post in particular really put things into perspective, wedding wise. I've really tried to take my BM's into consideration with the planning and not be a bridezilla. I think I've been doing pretty well in that regard. I told the BM's to get whatever dress they like as long as it's a certain color and length. 2 ordered theirs from a bridal store and 2 bought off the rack. 1 BM got 2 different ones from Ross and both look great on her. Getting hair and makeup done is optional. For gifts I plan to get them 1 thing to wear in the wedding and something unique to their interests/something they'd like. I don't expect most of you reading this to care about my details or even read this far. My point is that TK is really helpful with bringing brides down to Earth and hopefully helping them realize that it's one day and the rest is all details.

Shaking my head....

Re: Shaking my head....

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