mom hates me

Re: mom hates me

• MairePoppy mod

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:106a582d-f841-4e98-8f28-ebe3dd95197ePost:be5f5039-c6a0-40d2-8162-4e7c406c6340">mom hates me</a>:
  [QUOTE]My Fiancee and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and plan to get married in June 2013. He is a really nice well liked christian guy but <strong>my parents do not like him because he is baptist and my family is catholic.</strong> I have been going to the baptist church with him for over a year now and that is where we are getting married. <span style="font-weight:bold;">When my parents found out that we aren't having a catholic wedding(which  </span>idk<span style="font-weight:bold;"> y they would think that </span>bc<span style="font-weight:bold;"> I have been attending B church </span>reg<span style="font-weight:bold;">) they </span>desided<span style="font-weight:bold;"> they will not pay for it.</span> Everytime a distant relative calls my parents do not even mention that I am engaged but instead brag about my brother. It is like they are embarrased. I do not even want them at my wedding.
  Posted by kimJosh09[/QUOTE] 
  
  It's always amazes me that people who consider themselves to be devoutly religious dislike others for their religious beliefs. Sorry your parents are being close minded about this. Have you considered talking to a priest at their church about this situation?
  
  As for paying for the wedding: that responsibility is your's and fi's.Your parents and/or his do not owe it to you to fund your wedding. You are adults, who should make your own decisions and take financial responsibility for them.
  
  I hope your parents come around to accepting the man that you love. Congratulations on your engagement and good luck with the planning.

                     

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• kimJosh09 member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I have tried to talk to them about it but they are just so disinterested and shut me down everytime. They have always had this "Catholic" guy in mind for me and still to this day kiss his ass thinking that I will end up with him. It is very inappropriate. we honestly do not mind having to pay for our own wedding because then we can do what we want and they can not make us feel like we owe them anything. I know that however when the reception comes my parents are going to take all the credit like they paid for it which is irritating.
  
  They have always liked my brother more than me. He has never had a gf and they hope that one day he will become a priest.
  
  It is also irritating that all my friends are starting to get engaged too and they are protestants and some atheists and my mom did not waste a second to hop on their facebooks to congraduate them.
  
  I am tired of my parents judging me on different standards than my brother and my friends.
  

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• Muffin'sMom

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I agree with PP.  It's sad that people beat up others over religion.  I really do not think that was what God had in mind.  I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.  And I'm sorry for your parents.  They are missing out on a once in a lifetime experience with someone they are supposed to love.
  
  That being said...pay for the wedding that you can afford.  Send them an invitation.  If they choose not to come then it is their loss.  Surround yourself with people who love you.  Family, I have learned the hard way, does not always mean blood relations.
  
  Finally, don't let someone else ruin your happiness.  It is their loss.

  My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  As a formerly devout Roman Catholic, I agree with you that their attitude is inappropriate.
  
  But I think I can give some insight about their attitude, if you want it: When you were a child they made the decisions for you, they brought you up in the Catholic church and probably imagined you walking down that aisle one day. They know that you will not be allowed to participate in the sacraments, if your marriage is not recognized by the Catholic church. And they are probably worried about where their future grandchildren will be baptized.
  
  As an adult you are entitled  to make your own religious decisions, choose your own husband, where to live, when and if to have children etc...  Over the next two years, I hope your parents learn to respect you as an adult.
  
  Your mom is more accepting of your friends upcoming marriages because she has no stake in them.
  
  
  It's sad that you feel that your parents value your brother more than you. That's not fair. Do they know you feel that way? You should let your mom know that her attitude it hurtful to you. As the mother of 3 adult children, I would feel terrible to hear that any of my kids felt that way.
  
  
                               
  

                     

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• Summer2011Bride member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I don't agree with your parents' attitude about it, since as an adult, you should be able to make your own religious decisions (FWIW, I was raised Catholic but don't consider myself Catholic and don't attend Mass. My mom would have loved for me to have a Catholic wedding, but I said no and she dropped it). However, it's within your parents' rights to not pay for the wedding for whatever reason they have.
  
  I would put my foot down about the religion thing and pay for it myself, having the wedding I could afford. Otherwise, your parents will think they can manipulate you in the future too. Plus, if you're old enough to decide how you want to get married and that you want to get married, you're old enough to fund it.
  

  
  
  
  
  

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• kimJosh09 member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  Thanks for the support. I am glad that I am not the only one who has gone through this battle of religions. I have called them out on their double standards and told them that it hurts me and they tell me "It's different.. don't compare". I am so sick of it. They let my brother go on a week vacation to TN with five girls without judging him and my fiancee and I want to go to NY to visit his uncle in the fall and they say it is "not moral".  We have saved enough money for a house and we are starting to look and we are so excited. My parents do not approve of me moving out before I am married but they do not approve of anything. I did not want it to be this way but I want to live like the adult that I am. I am in the dog house no matter what I do LOL.

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  It will be less stressful for you, once you are out of your parents house. Good luck with the house hunt.

                     

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• SSaltzman87 member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm very sorry that you're going through this. One good thing is though, time is on your side. Maybe they just need to adjust to the idea, and that takes time. For now, you two need to decide where to set your boundaries and stick to them. What your parents are doing is not only wrong, but insulting. By being independent, they can't push you around and will realize that their tactics won't work.

  
  

  FWIW, My Mother is Catholic and My Father is Jewish. They've been married for 30+ years, if they can make it work despite adversity (meaning my jewish grandmother), anybody can.

  
  

  I wish you the best of luck :-)

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• kmmssg mod

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I think both of MairePoppy's posts were right on the mark.  It will be better once you and FI get your house. 
  
  Keep your boundaries strong and stop engaging in these conversations with them.  If they bring it up, leave.  Every time.  You have said that they have been like this your whole life and your wedding will not change that.  You will always be thirsty if you keep returning to a dry well looking for water.  KWIM?

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• TheLordsCanary member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  Speaking from experience, moving out will most likely help to smooth things out because it will be much less of a "my house, my rules" relationship.
  
  My fiance is experiencing a similar situation in reverse: his extended family is Baptist and he and I are both Catholic. His parents are very accepting, though, so that makes it easier. It's very sad to see situations like this where people who call themselves Christian do not exhibit a very "Christian" attitude at all! I wish you both the best!

  

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