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Minnesota-Minneapolis and St. Paul
jmkaiser
member
Frustrated and ready to break
So my MIL has always had a very strong opinion, but when Fi and I got engaged she told us it was our wedding and she'll respect that.....wrong! So when we started putting together the guest list it was way out of control with her wanting to invite college friends they haven't talked to in years and their son's wife's parents and siblings.
I was straightforward and told her I didn't feel comfortable with that. Not only was the list already mostly their list but it didn't seem fair to invite them. My FFIL told us it doesn't have to be equal but fair and I have a bunch of silblings with in-laws that are not invited---some that are actually altering dresses and making things for the wedding.
I thought I made myself clear when I said no out of respect for my siblings in-laws adn the fact that we already have as many people as we can host but then FI talks to me yesterday and says that his parents are sending a check because they want those poeple there.
I feel like I'm not being respected or listened to with this (it's not even really about the money although that's an issue too). It's not that I'm being difficult I just strongly believe that this should be our wedding and not his mother's next big party. My parents are paying for the reception and I'm already really overwhelmed with the costs and the amount of people coming.
I feel like talking to her isn't working but I dont know what else to do. I seriously felt like throwing my arms up and letting her plan the rest of this wedding because I can't do anythign without her side stepping me or putting her 2 cents in.
I was straightforward and told her I didn't feel comfortable with that. Not only was the list already mostly their list but it didn't seem fair to invite them. My FFIL told us it doesn't have to be equal but fair and I have a bunch of silblings with in-laws that are not invited---some that are actually altering dresses and making things for the wedding.
I thought I made myself clear when I said no out of respect for my siblings in-laws adn the fact that we already have as many people as we can host but then FI talks to me yesterday and says that his parents are sending a check because they want those poeple there.
I feel like I'm not being respected or listened to with this (it's not even really about the money although that's an issue too). It's not that I'm being difficult I just strongly believe that this should be our wedding and not his mother's next big party. My parents are paying for the reception and I'm already really overwhelmed with the costs and the amount of people coming.
I feel like talking to her isn't working but I dont know what else to do. I seriously felt like throwing my arms up and letting her plan the rest of this wedding because I can't do anythign without her side stepping me or putting her 2 cents in.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Frustrated and ready to break
You and FI need to have a talk and get on the same page. Does he feel the same way that you do? If you two agree that all these extra people shouldn't be invited, then HE needs to be firm with his mom, and give her back the check. Money = strings.
The two of you should be able to take a look at your guest list and decide that each set of parents can have x-number of invites for their friends. Tell her that if she can't cut her guest list to fit within that frame, then you will.
David and I went through something similar with his parent's inviting randoms (well what I thought were randoms.. ie their neighbors, dentist, and 5 friends for his brother). However, in our case they were paying 45% of the overall tab. David and I talked about it, realized it wasn't worth WWIII (his parents can be intense and the most stubborn people I know) ... We came to that decision because we thought the people would find it just as random to be invited and thus decline, he adores his brother's friends and I didn't want this wedding to set the tone for our interaction as IN-Laws in the future.
HAD we decided to stick with it, we were willing to continue planning without their financial contribution.
Personally, I hate when money comes with strings attached. My Mom also did this in her attempt to get us to hire a band. Oh just do it, and I'll play.(I politely declinded) and I sat her down to explain that it wasn't in our vision for our wedding celebration. Thank God she understood and backed off.
Either way it sounds like you have some conversations to have
I feel guilty because FI is sick of being put in the middle and the last time he stuck up for us his mom went hysterical. She guilts him so much. I have told them multiple times what I see for this wedding and try to explain that my anxiety is making having this many people very difficult for me and adding people to that list is geting unbearable. She will not listen no matter how I tell her.
Everytime I tell them what Fi and I want they say okay and then complain until they get their way. Im just sick and tired of the arguments. It's not only causing problems between me and my in-laws but it's putting a stress on FI and I's relationship which bothers me the most.
[QUOTE]I feel guilty because FI is sick of being put in the middle and the last time he stuck up for us his mom went hysterical. She guilts him so much. I have told them multiple times what I see for this wedding and try to explain that my anxiety is making having this many people very difficult for me and adding people to that list is geting unbearable. She will not listen no matter how I tell her. Everytime I tell them what Fi and I want they say okay and then complain until they get their way. Im just sick and tired of the arguments. It's not only causing problems between me and my in-laws but it's putting a stress on FI and I's relationship which bothers me the most.
Posted by jmkaiser[/QUOTE]
I hate to say it, but I probably couldn't marry a guy who wouldn't stand up to me for to his mom because hes "sick of being put in the middle." Its very easy to not deal with hysteria--just remove yourself from the situation.
I can say this because I've been on the other side.. my family is very overbearing (in the best way, I love them so much!), but I have to remind myself constantly that it is FI and I who are starting out our own life together and, while they will always be a part of my life, that relationship is going to change once I'm married, and even more so after we have children.
Finished BC and not preventing since June 2010.
Actively trying for baby #1 since July 2011.
SA completed 5/29/2012. No sperm found.
11/12: Dx: Congenital Bilateral Absense of the Vas Deferens.
Genetic Testing needed as this is a mutation of Cystic Fibrosis.
IVF #1 with ICSI planned for 2013.
PAIF/SAIF welcome!
We are ready to start our life together and she doesn't understand that it means she doesn't get a say in everything we do....It's just completely frustrating since it's been going back and forth since we got engaged.
I would say, keep sticking to what you want. Say that you appreciate their help and input but that there are certain things that are most important. For me it was knowing everyone at the ceremony. I refused to meet people for the first time at the ceremony, so I fought for a small ceremony followed by a huge reception.
Figure out your NUMBER ONE important thing and rank them all out on a list.
Good luck!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated and ready to break : I hate to say it, but I probably couldn't marry a guy who wouldn't stand up to me for to his mom because hes "sick of being put in the middle."
Posted by Enchanted616[/QUOTE]
This.
OP, I know you said that he does stick up for you and she keeps pushing back, but you should come before his mother. Nobody is saying that you're out of line for feeling the way you do; we can probably all agree that she's being ridiculous. But if FMIL can't back off and respect your wishes, maybe the two of you need to distance yourselves from her, just a bit. She can't get to you if you don't let her, know what I mean?
My DH is an only child and my ILs love him to death, as they should. My MIL has not gotten used to the fact that DH's primary consideration is me and will do or say things that she knows will end up sticking DH in the middle ( I swear to heaven above she does it on purpose to test his loyalties and gets pouty when it lies with me!). It is a crappy situation all around, but your FI has the power to shut it down. It isn't easy, especially if your MIL is accustomed to getting her way and now you've entered the scene and she's having to re-learn that while she's still a very important person in her son's life, she's not THE most important.
Sit down with your FI and have a very candid discussion about your relationship and how it makes you feel when your MIL meddles like she has been. The very real truth is that it likely will not end with your wedding and will continue in various forms throughout your life together. If you don't find a way to cope with it and address it now, it will drive a bigger and bigger wedge between you and your FI. He needs to see how it makes you feel and to know what he can do to change that. Feel free to PM me if you need support! I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now. I love my MIL and she means well but she is a royal pain in the a@$ sometimes.
[QUOTE]I feel guilty because FI is sick of being put in the middle and the last time he stuck up for us his mom went hysterical. She guilts him so much. <strong>I have told them multiple times what I see for this wedding </strong>and try to explain that my anxiety is making having this many people very difficult for me and adding people to that list is geting unbearable. She will not listen no matter how I tell her. <div>
</div><div>Everytime I tell them what Fi and I want they say okay and then complain until they get their way. Im just sick and tired of the arguments. It's not only causing problems between me and my in-laws but it's putting a stress on FI and I's relationship which bothers me the most.
Posted by jmkaiser[/QUOTE]
</div><div>What does your FI want for this wedding? Maybe he's being sick of being shoved in the middle fo this all, because you're pushing him there. Have you asked him what kind of wedding he wants? Does he really not want all of his family there, just because you don't want them there?</div><div>
</div><div>Sorry, but I have to agree with PPs. If my FI hadn't been willing to stick up for me (we were on the same page), I don't think I could have married him. Are you planning on having kids? What if his mom starts trying to tell you how to raise them? Is he going to give up, because he doesn't want to be 'stuck in the middle"?</div><div>
</div><div>I think you need to have a real sit-down chat with your FI. Don't tell him what you want for this wedding. Ask him what he wants. If it's the same as what you want, then you can be in it together against his parents when they try to push. If you have different ideas for the wedding, then you need to compromise. </div>
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You ladies are right though. Beyond this wedding it makes me incredibly nervous how our relationship is going to be with his mother always trying to be in between. I love her to death and she's a great person but I don't do over-bearing and I certainly don't do going behind my back trying to get her way by handing money/gifts over (because my parents are paying for everthing except the booze).