Doubts...

FutureMrsG2013 · May 2012

Do you or your fiance ever have doubts about getting married? If you did, what did you do to work through them?

Swazzle · May 2012

I have never had doubts about marrying FI & to my knowledge he hasn't either. We've been together for 5 years & we've known for a long time that we want to marry each other.

I think pre-marital counseling is good for anyone getting married, whether there are doubts or not. I think getting nervous/cold feet is perfectly natural, getting married is a really big deal & a huge life decision. Pre-marital counseling is a good way to talk about things & have a neutral party present also. It also will bring up situations & topics that you & your FI might not have thought to talk about but that might occur once you're married.

melb2013 · May 2012

Totally agree with rdr about the premarital counseling and such.

I don't think there is a doubt in my FI's head, but I admit that there have been moments of extreme frustration that I tell him that I can't marry his family. In those moments, I completely believe what I'm saying. About two months after we got engaged, his family became impossible about the wedding and really showed their true colors. I told my FI at that point that I didn't know if I could marry him because of his family. We spent many conversations discussing it and he finally said that he would always defend us no matter what the situation. So far he's done exactly that. Those have been my only doubts and I'd say it's work in progress, which I'm okay with.

FLGatorGal88 · May 2012

I agree with rdr about the pre-martial counseling... Before FI and I got engaged we discussed that since we both came from divorced families I really wanted to do pre-martial counseling and he agreed. Communication is key...

I have never doubted marrying my FI and FI hasn't either... I think the only thing we have doubted would be throwing this extravagant wedding instead of eloping.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

I asked my FI this yesterday (because it's almost a yr away!). He said if he wasn't ready then he wouldn't have proposed. If you have any doubts, try counseling whether with your minister or a therapist. A neutral outside opinion always helps.

SSaltzman87 · May 2012

Depending on how serious the doubts are, I agree with doing counseling as well. Supposedly one of FI's cousins that's getting married is having doubts, and TBH- I do too about them.

I personally haven't had doubts about marrying FI, I knew he was one after a month of us dating. As far as I know, FI hasn't had doubts about marrying me.

melb2013 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:d3183026-91c7-4485-a1bb-80f906205ae2Post:84cfb929-4555-44fe-9008-ebd380c334d0">Re: Doubts...</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with rdr about the pre-martial counseling... Before FI and I got engaged we discussed that since we both came from divorced families I really wanted to do pre-martial counseling and he agreed. Communication is key... I have never doubted marrying my FI and FI hasn't either...<strong> I think the only thing we have doubted would be throwing this extravagant wedding instead of eloping</strong>.
Posted by FLGatorGal88[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My #1 doubt by far!

</div>

mcvass · May 2012

In Response to Re:Doubts...:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Doubts...:I agree with rdr about the premartial counseling... Before FI and I got engaged we discussed that since we both came from divorced families I really wanted to do premartial counseling and he agreed. Communication is key... I have never doubted marrying my FI and FI hasn't either... I think the only thing we have doubted would be throwing this extravagant wedding instead of eloping.Posted by FLGatorGal88My 1 doubt by far! Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

Just a note to the ones maybe feeling doubts about not eloping. We are having a destination wedding which I consider semi eloping because really when some of the people that really matter can't come you will still doubt yourself. Seems like either way we can't win :!!

SRRL18 · May 2012

I never had doubts about marrying him, I had doubts about it being forever. We had a really rocky past but we've both grown a lot and I now know I will be with him until I'm old, gray, wrinkled and saggy lol

RebCappon · May 2012

At first I did because I had wanted it for so long but I was FI's only serious relationship and I was worried he was just asking me to marry him because he knew that's what I wanted.

We had a lot of long conversations about it, and I started writing a lot. Writing helped me get out what I really wanted to say and made it easier for me to relay it to him.

Now we are totally ok though

mymissingpuzzlepiece · May 2012

Nope, neither my FI or I have ever doubted marrying each other. We knew very early on in our relationship that we wanted to marry each other and our feelings have never changed. I also knew the very moment that I saw him that he was special and he felt the same for me.

However, we both have had thoughts about eloping instead of having this crazy wedding.

Mimmer04 · May 2012

OP.. Assuming you asked this because you or your FI are having some doubts, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, which may not be obvious from the responses so far. My FI is great. I have no doubt that he loves me and will be committed to me forever. When we first got engaged, I was sure too. Since then I have had some doubts start to creep into the corner of my mind, mostly in the form of wondering if I love him as much as he loves me and how that will affect our relationship long term. There is some other stuff, but I don't feel comfortable discussing it here.

I have done a few things to work through my doubts. Number 1 and most important, I talked to FI about them. It served two purposes. First, he reassured me about how sure he is and he reminded me of all the reasons we are great together. Second, it eased some of my worry becuase I was being honest and upfront with him (very important) and he didn't get angry. Number 2, I try to frequently remind myself that when we got engaged I was sure and how happy getting engaged to him made me. I try to focus on those feelings rather than these that have come during idle times (common pattern for me to see the worst possible outcome when I think too much). Number 3, I have gone to 1-on-1 counseling and we are considering pre-marital couple's counseling as well.

If you are having doubts, I would say some amount of doubt is totally normal. This is probably the biggest life decision you will ever make, so it is perfectly reasonable to consider all possible outcomes. If you think your doubts are more than just common cold feet, I would try to get to the root of them either on your own or with the help of a counselor. Just remember, you are not alone.

melb2013 · May 2012

OP: What is it that you have doubts about specifically? It's important to identify the main problem and then figure out if it is a deal breaker. I think that there are certain things that you can work through, and certain things you can't. If it's one of those things that you can't work through, it's always easier to not get married than it is to get divorced.

I agree with the above post that a certain amount of doubt is totally normal because this is the biggest decision you will ever make. Good luck!

melb2013 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:d3183026-91c7-4485-a1bb-80f906205ae2Post:7e3320ce-0b07-4d41-97c7-8990956ef968">Re: Doubts...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks girls. It's not so much me, but FI having some doubts. We have some personal issues going on in our lives that have just caused our relationship to get sort of complacent, and I asked this question because yesterday he told me he had doubts about marrying me, <strong>because he didn't want to get married and then have to get a divorce due to being unhappy, or even cheating on me if I wasn't making him happy</strong>. It just made me wonder if many people go through these kinds of things. We had a long talk and we're both aware of things that need to change and we're both working on those things, so I think it will all turn out in the end. It just came as a shocker, and it was kind of scary to me, because I know I love him more than anything in this world, and I know he loves me, but I don't want him to leave me. Anyhow, we're working on the issues and we know communication is key, so I think as long as we both work and try our hardest, and realize all couples have to work to keep their relationship spicy and to keep it from becoming a roommate situation, then we should be perfectly okay. Thanks for your responses though, especially you Mimmer. =)
Posted by FutureMrsG2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I find it very disconcerting that he would say this to you. It sounds a little immature and like he's just not ready for marriage. I was reading this to my mother (who's been happily been married for 28 years) and she said that you need to put the wedding on hold. Then you'll have time to be focused on nothing but figuring out your relationship.</div><div>
</div><div>Honestly, I can't imagine having to work at keeping a relationship from being like a roommate situation when you aren't already married. Maybe I'm naive, but I thought this usually happened to people who have been married for a long while- certianly not before marriage.</div><div>
</div><div>My advice would be not plan the wedding any further until you've had time to both go to counseling and figure out if this is both what you want. You should never enter into a marriage hoping he doesn't leave you.

</div><div>I hope this didn't come out too harshly. I really feel for you and wish you all the best.</div>

FLGatorGal88 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:d3183026-91c7-4485-a1bb-80f906205ae2Post:97508b44-3861-4af8-baf6-eb921b833e92">Re: Doubts...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Doubts... : I find it very disconcerting that he would say this to you. It sounds a little immature and like he's just not ready for marriage. I was reading this to my mother (who's been happily been married for 28 years) and she said that you need to put the wedding on hold. Then you'll have time to be focused on nothing but figuring out your relationship. Honestly, I can't imagine having to work at keeping a relationship from being like a roommate situation when you aren't already married. Maybe I'm naive, but I thought this usually happened to people who have been married for a long while- certianly not before marriage. <strong>My advice would be not plan the wedding any further until you've had time to both go to counseling and figure out if this is both what you want. You should never enter into a marriage hoping he doesn't leave you. I hope this didn't come out too harshly. I really feel for you and wish you all the best.</strong>
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

I really agree with this I couldn't say it any better... I hope you can work everything out.

Swazzle · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:d3183026-91c7-4485-a1bb-80f906205ae2Post:7e3320ce-0b07-4d41-97c7-8990956ef968">Re: Doubts...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks girls. It's not so much me, but FI having some doubts. We have some personal issues going on in our lives that have just caused our relationship to get sort of complacent, and I asked this question because yesterday <font color="#ff0000"><strong>he told me he had doubts about marrying me, because he didn't want to get married and then have to get a divorce due to being unhappy, or even cheating on me if I wasn't making him happy.</strong></font> It just made me wonder if many people go through these kinds of things. We had a long talk and we're both aware of things that need to change and we're both working on those things, so I think it will all turn out in the end. It just came as a shocker, and it was kind of scary to me, because I know I love him more than anything in this world, and I know he loves me, but I don't want him to leave me. Anyhow, we're working on the issues and we know communication is key, so I think as long as we both work and try our hardest, and realize all couples have to work to keep their relationship spicy and to keep it from becoming a roommate situation, then we should be perfectly okay. Thanks for your responses though, especially you Mimmer. =)
Posted by FutureMrsG2013[/QUOTE]

<div>This is a HUGE red flag, IMO. If my FI ever said those things to me our wedding would be on hold. </div>

iheartmarshall · May 2012

I'm so sorry to hear this! If I were you, I'd be sitting down and have a SERIOUS conversation with your FI about your future. You need to be completely honest with each other and your feelings and try to work through them together. If he's unsure or has any doubts, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to marry you -- maybe right now just isn't the best time.

FutureMrsG2013 · May 2012

Thanks. I was a little disconcerted he said those things also, but I think we're working through things and I'm not too worried anymore. We have been talking a lot lately, and we're both working on it. We have been together for 6 years, and living together since July of 2008, so we've kind of gotten into a slump of acting like an old married couple. Thanks for the advice, but I will continue planning our wedding. We are working out our issues, and we will go to counseling if we aren't getting results. Also, I should mention there are things that I don't feel comfortable discussing on here because they're very personal, that caused him to mention the thing about cheating.

But again, thanks for all your input ladies.

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