MOH here, could use some advice/encouragement

Re: MOH here, could use some advice/encouragement

• bride4567

  

  July 2012

  Since she is a very good friend of yours, she will understand your hectic schedule and appreciate your help. You can tell her that you work 70 hours a week, but are more than happy to help. You don't have to revolve your schedule around her, but there may be a few things you can do. 

  
  

  However, you should only take on projects that you know you can complete within the time frame. Since your time is very limited, see if there is anything small that you can do to help her.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• GoodLuckBear14 member

  

  July 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-here-could-use-some-adviceencouragement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fdd6d3ef-53a3-461c-b753-ba0b3e2afb0aPost:0ee77a9a-e704-41e6-9f6b-273bc7fa849c">MOH here, could use some advice/encouragement</a>:
  [QUOTE]One of my best friends is getting married in a month and I am her maid of honor (her sister is also matron of honor and she has two other bridesmaids). She got engaged a few months ago. Her wedding is fairly low-budget so all of the decorations and such are DIY-type projects. <strong>One of her other maids (also a good friend) has taken on the role of wedding planner</strong> -- she designed the invites, helped with color schemes, planned the catering, decorations, mostly everything. I know it's been stressing her out but she has never asked outright for help.<strong> Recently the bride sent me a message (a very tame one but I could still tell she was angry) saying she was disappointed that I don't seem excited for her wedding and haven't helped her with anything other than trying on bridesmaid dresses and shoes.</strong>She criticized me for not planning her bachelorette party early enough to include all of her friends (most of whom I don't know and have never spoken to, but she is right that I waited too long) and doing nothing to help with making decorations. <strong>The wedding planner/maid told me and another bridesmaid shortly after that she was disappointed we weren't helping more often and she was the only one rearranging her life to help out with the wedding.</strong>I work two jobs (around 70 hrs a week) and I cannot change my work schedules. I want to help my friend have the wedding she's dreamed of and deserves to have, but I can't help but feel she's using our friendship to guilt trip me here. I care about her so much, it's hard to tell her I really don't have time to help her, especially when I can tell how stressed she and the planner are. I also feel like she's holding the whole MOH thing over my head, saying "Well you're MOH so you have to step up and help out more." Any advice? Do I suck it up and try to do more for her or tell her outright I really don't have any more time or energy to give her? I really love her and don't want our friendship to suffer because of this!
  Posted by everythingsunny[/QUOTE]
  
  Don't feel bad for a single second.  The BM/Planner CHOSE to rearrange her life for this.  Being in the WP does not mean you are free help for the bride.  If she really needed help, she should have hired a professional.  Tell this bride that the only things you are actually responsible for are buying the dress, showing up at the venue sober and wearing said dress, fluffing her skirt, straightening her train, walking down the aisle, holding her flowers, smiling for pictures and maybe signing the marriage license as a witness.  Honestly, she and her Planner/BM can go take a flying leap.

  Proud to be an old married hag!!

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  July 2012

  The wedding planner/bridesmaid is a b*tch, plain and simple.  This girl is probably bad mouthing you and the rest of the bridal party to the bride.
  
  Just ignore the planner/BMs comments and then have a nice lunch or drink with your friend/bride and let her know how excited you are for her and that you wish you had more time to help with her wedding but with your hectic schedule you just don't have it.  A good friend will understand.

  
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  July 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-here-could-use-some-adviceencouragement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fdd6d3ef-53a3-461c-b753-ba0b3e2afb0aPost:a10cd3e8-8599-4212-ad1c-48b8abc0d343">Re: MOH here, could use some advice/encouragement</a>:
  [QUOTE]Well I would have a sit down with the bride and tell her how you really feel. If you two are really best friends and care about each other so much she should be completely ok and understanding. She is probably really stressed out and sees that the other BM/Planner is wayyy stressed out too... I wouldn't stress yourself out over it too. And you shouldn't feel bad that the BM/Planner is rearranging her life for this you didn't ask her to do that no one did (it seems like). <strong>However, at the same time if you knew you had a lot to do and worked so much you probably should have told her when she asked you to be her MOH that you were better off being a BM or at least let her know that you had minimal time to help and give input.
  </strong>Posted by tiffysue2012[/QUOTE]
  
  I just read this.  You have got to be sh*tting me!  The MOH has no additional duties over the rest of the bridal party.  Well, except for holding the brides bouquet, fixing her train, and signing the marriage license.  Anything anyone else does on top of that is just icing on the cake but in no way necessary.

  
  

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• GoodLuckBear14 member

  

  July 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-here-could-use-some-adviceencouragement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fdd6d3ef-53a3-461c-b753-ba0b3e2afb0aPost:a10cd3e8-8599-4212-ad1c-48b8abc0d343">Re: MOH here, could use some advice/encouragement</a>:
  [QUOTE]Well I would have a sit down with the bride and tell her how you really feel. If you two are really best friends and care about each other so much she should be completely ok and understanding. She is probably really stressed out and sees that the other BM/Planner is wayyy stressed out too... I wouldn't stress yourself out over it too. And you shouldn't feel bad that the BM/Planner is rearranging her life for this you didn't ask her to do that no one did (it seems like). <strong>However, at the same time if you knew you had a lot to do and worked so much you probably should have told her when she asked you to be her MOH that you were better off being a BM or at least let her know that you had minimal time to help and give input.
  </strong>Posted by tiffysue2012[/QUOTE]
  
  Why?  Despite what David Tuterra and the rest of the industry would have you believe, the duties of the MOH are exactly what I listed.  Anything extra like showers, b-parties, help with the wedding planning are all not required and can be planned, hosted and done by anyone - they don't even have to be in the WP.

  Proud to be an old married hag!!

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  July 2012

  Your friend, The Bride, was wrong to send that message. She should not be making wedding plans that she and her fi can't execute on their own, unless she can afford to HIRE a wedding planner to help her out. She has to plan within her budget, no matter how small, and not expect free labor from her friends.
  
  As her MOH, you are obligated to buy the dress, show up on time for the ceremony, perhaps hold her bouquet and sign her marriage certificate. That's it. Anything else is voluntary. It sounds like the other MOH is feeling overwhelmed, but that's her own fault, not yours.
  
  You should be honest with The Bride. Tell her you love her and value your friendship (apparently more than she does - but leave that part out), but that you work 70 hours a week and just do not have time to volunteer for her wedding projects. If you do have some time that you want to offer, let her know. Be very specific, as in, "I am free on Saturday afternoon from 1 - 3:15, are there any projects that I can help with at that time?" If you don't have any time to help, don't feel guilty about it.

                     

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• everythingsunny

  

  July 2012

  Thanks to everybody for your input and advice. It's great to hear other opinions on the matter. It seems like she and I just have different views on what a bridesmaid/MOH should be expected to do, and probably should have discussed what my role would be as MOH right at the beginning. (Great to know for any future weddings I may be involved in!) I think I will be honest with her about how I feel while letting her know that I'll be here for her to help in any way that I can, although I cannot and will not re-arrange my life around her wedding. Hopefully we can get past this and she can have the wedding she wants and deserves.

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