State Marriage License

hsmith789 · May 2012

I am not exactly sure what board to post this to, so please let me know if you have a better idea for a board.

My FI is against getting a state marriage license. We have researched the pros and cons extensively but I am still having trouble accepting the idea of going against the ‘norm’ because I am not sure what to expect, how to go about it or what to do. What is everyone else’s opinion regarding a marriage license? Is anyone not getting one? How did you go about with your research and how did you move forward with not having one?

We will have a family bible in which we will sign, the pastors will sign as well as two witnesses. We will then be taking it to the courthouse to have it certified and a copy registered.

Any help or insight would be much appreciated!

melntaitt · May 2012

I don't know what to say...if your marriage is to be legal, you need a marriage license. Otherwise you have a vow exchange/promise ceremony. Where are you located? Maybe there's a local board you could pitch this idea on?

I just know that in NY if you want to be legally married, you need a license. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

ETA: I found this for you
http://ncrenegade.com/education/how-do-i-get-married-without-a-license/

Lisa50 · May 2012

I notice there is no location listed beneath your icon. Are you located outside the United States? If so, I'd recommend you check with your local government. Signing the Bible with witnesses and taking it for certification may, indeed, be all you need to do.

If you are in the United States, I am not aware that any state issues its own marriage license. Each county, city or other local jurisdction, plus the District of Columbia, has it's own regulations and guidelines for issuing marriage licenses for weddings performed within its boundaries.

Good luck!

ElisabethJoanne · May 2012

You've researched this extensively but still need advice?

I'm going to ignore your research, 'cause I don't know what it really entailed.

If you want a marriage recognized by the government, and you're getting married in the US, you need to get a marriage license. You don't need to make it a big deal on your wedding day. Whether anything needs to be signed that day varies from state-to-state, but you can do any day-of signatures very quickly and privately, same as you'll pay vendors.

Consider also, there's a civil marriage license and a civil marriage ceremony. For religious reasons, we're considering getting married at the courthouse. This would involve both a government-issued license and a government-employee officiant. Then we'd have a full High Solemn Nuptial Mass wedding ceremony. [theknot doesn't like this arrangement, usually. Fine. It's a religious issue, and we've consulted with the relevant people to make sure we wouldn't offend anyone.] Most people just get the civil marriage license and then have the religious ceremony, not 2 ceremonies.

Exception to having to have a license: In unusual circumstances, the government will "pretend" there's a marriage when there was no license. This is usually when one of the pretend spouses was lying about whether the ceremony was valid and/or he got the license. It's to protect people from fraud, not to let them just skip getting a license.

littleluckypenny · May 2012

If it is not recognized legally, what happens when there is some sort of emergency? You or your FI won't have any say in any legal action, whether it is a medical emergency or insurance, etc.

I actually know of a couple who say they are married because they wanted a spiritual committment, not a legal one. They said vows to each other and everything. Fast forward when they were having a child and she was ready to deliver, the hospital didn't really deal with her "husband" and they wouldn't really answer any questions regarding his "wife" because as far as they were concerned, they weren't married and he had no grounds for information regarding his SO.

The friend felt really bad, like they were treating him like a "baby-daddy", which technically, he was in the eyes of the hospital.

Something to think about.

melntaitt · May 2012

I re-posted this on another board so you could get some diversified responses but I'm curious as to what your research concluded.

If you truly want to do this to reject the notion of government involvement in your union then that is your right...however, if you want to have spousal rights, preferences to proxy in emergency, joined tax returns, etc. then it's just not worth it.

I wish you the best on your decision, but thoroughly consider all the pros and cons about this choice. Don't wait until something bad happens to decide - maybe we should have gone a different route.

calliopeia2013 · May 2012

Please consider my responses on the C&T board.

ElisabethJoanne · May 2012

Another spin on what we're trying to explain about the law: Without a marriage license, you're legally like a gay couple in a state without gay marriage. There are ways to get lots of the legal marriage benefits without the license, but they're complicated and more expensive than a license.

m tulli · May 2012

My first thought is if you don't have a legal recognized marriage. You may have an issue with medical decisions, health insurance, SSA benefits if one of you passes. I'm not sure what your research was or what the pro would be for not having the license.

HobokensFury · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_state-marriage-license?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:99ffe6b6-0658-4fc3-ab7e-0b2685f09ecaPost:b46f9c91-9ee5-447d-a747-3ac42df4fd47">Re: State Marriage License</a>:
[QUOTE]My first thought is if you don't have a legal recognized marriage. You may have an issue with medical decisions, health insurance, SSA benefits if one of you passes. I'm not sure what your research was or what the pro would be for not having the license.
Posted by m tulli[/QUOTE]

If you live in the US this is the case. Any document from a church is nit legally binding. What gets filed is the marriage license signed by whoever performed the ceremony.

Avion22 · May 2012

Also, if you are not legally married, then you may run into problems if one of you ever passes away. If not, you will need to have an airtight will. Many state probate laws are tied to marriage -- so if you're not legally married, then if he passes away, all of his stuff (which could include some of "your" joint stuff that he paid for) and his money could go to his parents and not to you.

My advice would be to make it legal.

devilishangel61401 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_state-marriage-license?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:99ffe6b6-0658-4fc3-ab7e-0b2685f09ecaPost:7b2ca0df-7d6a-4a98-8ac0-f969f9609a30">Re: State Marriage License</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, if you are not legally married, then you may run into problems if one of you ever passes away. If not, you will need to have an airtight will. Many state probate laws are tied to marriage -- so if you're not legally married, then if he passes away, all of his stuff (which could include some of "your" joint stuff that he paid for) and his money could go to his parents and not to you. My advice would be to make it legal.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

Most countys issue a marriage licesnce if you get married once you the groom, the officiant and witnesses if your state requires them signs the license it must be filed at the county courthouse to be legally reconized.
I went through this with my mom and her last marriage her hubby at the time did not want a ":wedding" or a "legal ceremony" it was hell on earth for her once they spilt up since they both had their names on everything except her house.

But ditto what PP said to you, legally if you or spouse is in an accident etc you're not the next of kin their parents or your parents are. Most states don't reconize civil unions or commitment ceremonies as legal..<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" />

foreverurz23 · May 2012

If he wont take you legaly and under god, for anything other than religious purpouses, you just shouldn't be getting married, sorry.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

Just curious...are the ICU's and maternity wards checking for marriage licences? How do they know your marriage isn't legal? Are these couples not using the terms 'husband' and 'wife'? Do they have different last names? (Which is a moot point, as some legally married couples still have different last names).

I can understand where legal paperwork is involved...but upon entering an emergency situation or an ICU situation, we've never been asked if my fiance (or boyfriend, even, at one point!) was my son's legal father. He was just assumed that - we were never hassled. It's not that I don't believe these stories, but I guess I don't completely understand what's going on...

Hobie625 · May 2012

Maybe this will help you somewhat (if you haven't already looked at it): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage_in_the_United_States
Here's another:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage

In Canada it's even easier, and probably better for you if you're not 'legally' married. But if you're Canadian, and you're talking about getting married, then you probably already know the pertinent info.

InfinityWings · May 2012

You cannot legally sign anything in their behalf should an SO/fiance end up in the ICU. I was in this situation, my previous SO and I lived as husband and wife. Everyone thought of us as a married couple. I still think of him as my second husband. We chose not to get leagally married. We didn't feel that we needed that piece of paper to tell the world what we felt for each other.

When he became very ill, he was admitted to the ICU. I was let into the ICU, trust me there was no stopping me. And DID sign some of the first papers that were handed to me. When the social worker came around, she found out we were not legally married, think they asked the wedding date? Or asked for my ID, and questioned the different names. I don't remember anymore. I remember the feelings, the horror, not the details. Anyway, I was told that I was not allowed to sign for him on anything. His mother came and signed papers saying I WAS allowed to be told all info, and sign on his behalf. But even after that there were some doctors who WOULD NOT discuss anything with me. The nursing staff was great, and made sure I was filled in.

After he passed, I was not eligible for anything of his. Nothing. It was like we hadn't just spent 6 years of our lives being together.

The saddest part on, the part that will always bother me the most, on his death certificate he is listed as "single".

[Deleted User] · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_state-marriage-license?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:99ffe6b6-0658-4fc3-ab7e-0b2685f09ecaPost:d19b0645-3ff8-4f55-aaac-5f5a8035aaee">Re: State Marriage License</a>:
[QUOTE]You cannot legally sign anything in their behalf should an SO/fiance end up in the ICU. I was in this situation, my previous SO and I lived as husband and wife. Everyone thought of us as a married couple. I still think of him as my second husband. We chose not to get leagally married. We didn't feel that we needed that piece of paper to tell the world what we felt for each other. When he became very ill, he was admitted to the ICU. I was let into the ICU, trust me there was no stopping me. And DID sign some of the first papers that were handed to me. When the social worker came around, she found out we were not legally married, think they asked the wedding date? Or asked for my ID, and questioned the different names. I don't remember anymore. I remember the feelings, the horror, not the details. Anyway, I was told that I was not allowed to sign for him on anything. His mother came and signed papers saying I WAS allowed to be told all info, and sign on his behalf. But even after that there were some doctors who WOULD NOT discuss anything with me. The nursing staff was great, and made sure I was filled in. After he passed, I was not eligible for anything of his. Nothing. It was like we hadn't just spent 6 years of our lives being together. The saddest part on, the part that will always bother me the most, on his death certificate he is listed as "single".
Posted by InfinityWings[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for your input in this post. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

NOLAbridealmost · May 2012

Wow, infinity, that's so sad. I am so sorry to hear that, but THANK YOU for posting a very real example of why that "little piece of paper" is so damn important.

I've got a couple friends who are gay and have been in the same monogamous relationship for over 10 years, but we are not in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage. One of them came down with AML (an aggressive, fast moving form of leukemia) and I saw first hand how difficult it was dealing with the hospital. They do find out if you're not married because they will send a social worker to check on eligibility for Medicaid, etc. and look into other issues that the patient may be having. You can get around some of the issues by having the patient sign a Power of Attorney for their partner, but that won't do a lot of good if the person arrives at the hospital unconscious and remains that way....

Trust me, OP, you need the protections that go along with the state marriage license. It's fine if you want to recognize the spiritual marriage as your "real" marriage and the state license as just a formality, but that formality is what legally guarantees your rights and responsibilities to each other as a couple.

State Marriage License

Re: State Marriage License

Choose Another Board

Search Boards