Joining the army

sexyangel925 · March 2012

I got engaged last July. We've been together for over 4 years.

I've been doing research before and I wanted some questions and more information before I talk to my fiance.

I know this is a life altering decision, which is why I wanted to be informed as best as I can before bringing up this conversation. I want him to support me. He has supported me through a lot and I've done this for him too.

Talking to a recruiter does not equal signing anything or joining. Obtaining the information that I need is my intention.

I took a Practice test and got a 62. I have not taken the ASVAB.

kyrgyzstan · March 2012

First and foremost, study really, really hard before you take the ASVAB again. I want you to have options.

As to your second question, I'm a little horrified you already met with a recruiter and haven't discussed this with your SO. My H knew the night we met I wanted to be a Marine, and he's even more on board now than he ever was. If you're planning on marrying him, he should know this stuff when you're thinking about it, that moment, not after talkting to a recruiter. There are plenty of ways to do research without scheduling your ASVAB.

Sammy0709 · March 2012

I would have definitely had a conversation with him about this before you went to see a recruiter. I would have asked him to go with you so that you could learn about this and go through this together. This is not going to just be a huge change that requires sacrifice from you. It will require changes and sacrifices from him to. If you want to join the Army, by all means, do it but, I really think this is a decision that needs to be made together when you are entering in to a partnership such as a marriage. DH and I had several conversations about be joining and where it would put us before I began working on my Officer applications.

BinxRose · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-the-army?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:26a44944-c6b7-4f3b-8f46-f0047db6e878Post:e2ff3cc2-eb6b-4935-a120-108c7b2a8078">Re: Joining the army</a>:
[QUOTE]First and foremost, study really, really hard before you take the ASVAB again. I want you to have options. As to your second question,<strong> I'm a little horrified you already met with a recruiter and haven't discussed this with your SO</strong>. My H knew the night we met I wanted to be a Marine, and he's even more on board now than he ever was. <strong>If you're planning on marrying him, he should know this stuff when you're thinking about it, that moment, not after talkting to a recruiter</strong>. There are plenty of ways to do research without scheduling your ASVAB.
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

That was pretty much my reaction as well. Obviously you don't need permission, but I think it is something that should have already been discussed when you were first thinking about it. I don't understand why you felt you needed to hide it. Now you have put yourself in an awkward position that could've easily been avoided.

If my FI would've come home and said "hey I joined the Navy" I would've been pretty upset. I wouldn't have stopped him, but it really would've been the honest and right thing to tell me he was thinking about it so we could discuss it first. (In our case, he was already in before we started dating, but you get the point).

iluvmytxrgr · March 2012

I'm sorry. I honestly believe this is something you should have discussed before you got this far. You've been dishonest with him and that's not fair to him at all. This isn't something that needs to be said in person. It needs to be said before you've reached this point. If you have been avoiding it for this long, I have a feeling you know he'll be upset by it. You should have given him the benefit of the doubt. You should have given him the option of having an opinion, but you didn't. By going about it this way, you've said you don't really care how he feels about it. You did what you wanted. That's what we call "Better to do what you want and appologize now than to ask permission and be told no." I'd be pissed. That's not exactly the best way to start out a marriage.
Honestly, 62 isn't a fabulous score. You can get a few decent jobs with it, but I'd be studying my but off to get a higher score. Talk to your recruiter about what your lower areas were. Get to the library or the book store and get you a study guide. Quite a few schools you'll want to further your career require higher GT scores. I had a score of 87 but my GT score was 120. I had a choice of pretty much anyting. I know someone who did really well, but is having to retake the ASVAB to get a higher GT score in order to get into a school he needs for promotion. It sucks. He's been in refresher classes for 2 weeks.
Do not go any further until you talk to your FI. Do it over the phone. You are being completely unfair to him. Then study.

calindi · March 2012

I'm with the other ladies. This is a super big step, and you need to discuss it with him. It isn't only your life that is affected by you taking this job - he'd have to move with you, which means his career choices are affected. Or, if he can't/won't move, it would mean long stretches of time apart... like years. And even if he does move, it means deployments, which most significant others don't particularly relish, even gung-ho ones like Stan get a bit bummed out by them. It's a lot to process and agree to before you get married.

My FI wasn't military when I met him. And he brought it up super casually, and he invited me to go to the OSO with him, but at that point we had been dating a little over a month and I didn't feel it was my place. But I educated myself like crazy online, joined this board as part of my process to learn a bit more about what I was potentially getting myself into, and read books. And I talked to him, a LOT. I asked questions and did a lot of thinking. I had to make sure this lifestyle would fit my own personal goals, because I didn't want to get to 40 years old and resent him for 'making me' be a military spouse and all that it entails. I wanted it to be my decision. And it is, 100%. It's the right decision for us. But if it wasn't, I would have walked away - with regrets and 'what ifs', for sure, but knowing that I did what was right.

Military marriages aren't easy. There's a LOT of divorce. And I do believe it's largely for the above reasons - people spend a lot of time apart, there has to be lots of trust, and you both need to be independent adults okay with the challenges that the military lifestyle entails. You can't hold it against each other. You aren't giving him the opportunity to find out if this is something he can or even wants to do. I know that's scary for you, but you really owe that to him if you love him and want to spend your life with him.

Call him up and talk to him. Tell him you have been thinking about this for a long time, that you didn't want to make him really think about it until you were sure it was something you were serious about, but assure him that this is a mutual decision. Take him to the recruiter with you. Ask LOTS of questions. Have him write down questions for the recruiter ahead of time. And then you two sit down together and talk it all out, after he's had a chance to think about it all and process it. Be prepared for him to have objections - it's a BIG life change if he's not expecting it. And you need to know which you need most in your life - the Army or him. Because if he's really not into the idea of the Army, you need to know what the best choice for you will be. Not just him, YOU don't want to get to 40 years old and resent him for "making you" NOT join the Army.

Good luck!

kara811 · March 2012

Ditto everyone. IMO, it's quite disrespectful to your FI that you didn't discuss this ahead. Granted you are not married yet and you are your own person, but you are about to go into a marriage and this life will affect him as much as you.

I would be so upset at my H if he had one day came home and said he's been talking to a recruiter. That isn't how marriages are supposed to work. You better discuss all of this with your FI first, and I also recommend studying(if you 2 come to an agreement about joining) to better your chances at getting a higher score.

lrh17 · March 2012

Holy crap, I can't believe you haven't discussed this with your FI! You're correct, it is life altering...not only for you, but to the man you committed to marry. I think it's great that you sat down with a recruiter to gather as much information as possible, but you probably should have included him in this process so he could learn too.

My advice would be to talk to him asap in person. Try to approach it more as a discussion on how such a decision would impact your life together rather than flat out telling him 'I'm joining the Army'. I'm glad he has been so supportive in the past. This will still probably come as a shock to him if you've never brought it up before. Best of luck...I'm sure you'll feel much better once you can be honest with him. And good luck on the test!

CAB1217 · March 2012

Ditto everyone's sentiment on talking to your FI. Think about How you would have felt if he joined without talking to you first.

crownsuperstar · March 2012

Eek!!! Ditto what all the other ladies said. That is something you should have talked about first. Military life is hard and requires a lot of trust on both parties part. For example he will be spending our first year of marriage deployed. That means missing a lot of holidays and little memories that most people make in the first year. Not to mention we will have to "readjust" to each other all over again. It is something that I understood going into our relationship however you FI may not want this type of life. You really should talk to him ASAP!

ggirl2001 · March 2012

Yeah I don't know what to tell you. My H then Bf took me when he went to the recruiter so I could ask questions. We had been dating a year at that point. You need to own up your FI about what happened and discuss it with him. At some point you have to make a choice if your FI isn't supportive of your decision.

Tiddlywinkles · March 2012

My Fi was already enlisted when we met, and a month away from going to boot camp, so at that point there wasn't much I could really do. But he was up front with me about it from the beginning, and laid it all out on the table for me, and made sure I knew exactly what I would be getting into if our relationship went long term. Which it obviously did. I was able to ask questions, and had plenty of time to think things over, and like Calindi, figure out if that was something I wanted and thought I could handle.

Give your FI that chance. He deserves to know now, way ahead of time, way before basic, and should have known before you went to see the recruiter. You're engaged to be married; it wouldn't be just you living the military life. It isn't easy, and relationships can take a huge hit. Talk to your FI about what you want to do now before you go any further on this, either mentally or physically, on your own. Give not just your FI, but also yourself, a choice. If it's something that he's not 1000% on board with, then you need to think about what is best for you, as well if you realize that joining the Army is what you want to do.

Good luck to you in all of this!

erin7264 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-the-army?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:26a44944-c6b7-4f3b-8f46-f0047db6e878Post:e2ff3cc2-eb6b-4935-a120-108c7b2a8078">Re: Joining the army</a>:
[QUOTE]As to your second question, I'm a little horrified you already met with a recruiter and haven't discussed this with your SO. Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

Agree with this, and WishIcouldbeinthe'stan - gotta say, your sig line about surprise homecomings makes me smile a bit - FI is a Marine (2/4) and an Iraq vet, and he is absolutely the last person on the face of the earth I'd EVER want to throw a surprise party for!

Joining the army

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