Bridesmaid committed suicide

seesawgirl · January 2012

One of my bridesmaids committed suicide yesterday. Very few people knew, but she had an opiate addiction that she refused to get help for, and her partner kicked her out because of the toll it was taking on their relationship. She apparently took some pills, and then hung herself in her partner's garage.

Obviously, she chose this, and part of me is very angry with her, but another part of me is so sad. Given the fact that she was supposed to be in my wedding party, I almost feel like I should honor her in some way...but would it be tacky, given the circumstances of her death? I don't want to replace her, and I don't want a morbid air to the wedding...but she was a close friend that should have been standing up next to me.

baystateapple · January 2012

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's natural to feel anger in this sort of situation. Do you see a counselor? It might be helpful to talk to someone through this time, and help you sort out your feelings.

Don't replace her. You can put a "memoriam" in your programs or light a candle for her at the ceremony or reception. Something like that.

Marrin713 · January 2012

Boy I cannot even comment on the etiquette of this - just so sad. I'm sorry for your loss.

jessicabessica · January 2012

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't think it would be tacky at all to do something to honor her, but you're right that you don't want to make people overly sad at the wedding. I would do something subtle. Are you having an "in memory of" section on your program (if you are having programs)? If so, I would definitely put her in it (we had one with some family members listed). You could carry something of hers or something that reminds you of her, either in your bouquet or on a necklace or something. If she had a favorite song, maybe you could dance with your friends to it.

musicalsunlight · January 2012

I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend.

I had a close friend pass from suicide as well, and it is an awful, terrible experience. I think honoring her with a candle or flowers or something in the program would be just fine. A loss is still a loss, regardless of circumstances.

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2012

Wow! How terrible! I'm so sorry for your loss.

I like several of the suggestions above: carry something of hers, dance to her favorite song, etc. Try not to worry that it will be bringing attention to her suicide; you're honoring her life regardless of how she passed.

sparent2010 · January 2012

Oh my that is terrible and I am very sorry for your loss. I would go with Bay/PPs suggestions of a memorium.

Rose March · January 2012

Sorry for the loss. As mentioned an "in memoriam" in the program or a candle is good way to honor her. Also if you have a small memento or something you could carry it with you to keep her with you on that day, play a song she loved at the reception. If you don't want to you don't have to tell every one why you played the song or carried the bracelet she gave you for graduation.

andy71781 · January 2012

That is awful and I am so very sorry for your loss. I think that honoring her with a candle is a great idea. Ditto OPs who said that you should not replace her.

Snippylynn · January 2012

Dude. It was yesterday. I think you should just mourn for now and figure out how to handle it in regards to your wedding some other time.

number55 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-committed-suicide?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5318d5db-6d6f-4434-8dbe-9ceb595b3643Post:7225b061-cbe2-4d3c-a445-89af3ac56166">Re: Bridesmaid committed suicide</a>:
[QUOTE]Dude. It was yesterday. I think you should just mourn for now and figure out how to handle it in regards to your wedding some other time.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

<div>I will be honest OP, this was my first thought too. Unless your wedding is next week, you have some time to figure out how to 'remember' her at the wedding. </div>

Kreskin79 · January 2012

Everyone who's already posted has offered on point suggestions, from allowing yourself to mourn before considering how to honor her specifically at your wedding, to ways in which to honor her at that specific event. I really just wanted to convey my condolences - I'm very sorry for your loss.

eorea · January 2012

I'm so sorry. I think PPs gave good advice. Just let yourself grieve right now. It just happened yesterday. Give yourself time.

Simply Fated · January 2012

The way in which she died should have no impact on how you remember her at your wedding, KWIM? I know it feels different because she brought on her death herself, but if you give it some time that part of her death will fade. The anger should lessen. I'd consider speaking to a therapist. Mourn now, decide later.

achiduck · January 2012

I am so so sorry for your loss. Like Snippy said, take some time to mourn her loss before you start worrying about the logistics of your wedding party.

Avion22 · January 2012

I just want to tell you how incredibly sorry I am for your loss.

I lost my first husband to suicide (we had been married for four years) and it tore me apart, his family, all of our friends. I really don't have anything to say except that I understand your loss, and my heart breaks for you and your friends and family.

theluckiest555 · January 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss! That is such a horrible thing to have to deal with...especially during the time when you should be happy planning your wedding.

I think honoring her at the cereminy would be lovely, and I don't think it would be tacky at all. Lighting a memorial candle or including her name in the program would be a great way to remember your friend.

mica178 · January 2012

I think right now you just need to take a little time to absorb what has happened and figure out what is the best thing to do. I am so sorry about your friend.

Melissa603 · January 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take some time to grieve and mourn.

KatoNorway · January 2012

I'm so sorry seesawgirl. I've also lost a friend to suicide. I don't have anything to offer right now except my condolences.

BryBronandAriana · January 2012

I'm very sorry for your loss. Something similar happened to my best friend's wedding, one of the girls commited sucide, almost the same... from a drug overdose. When we walked down for the processional, the groomsmen she was supposed to be with carried down a candle and put it in the spot where she would be standing. Then he went back to his own spot. There was one empty place in the line, and there was a small memoriam at the bottom of the wedding program, even though she was still listed as a bride's maid aswell.

There was a saddness in the air, regaurdless because it happened shortly before the wedding. However, I think the way it was handled was done tactfullly. Everyone missed her, but her place in the wedding was honored, and the wedding was still the main focus.

[Deleted User] · January 2012

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Dudes - I think it's really tacky to tell someone how to grieve.

brenda2011Wed139476 · January 2012

So sorry for you loss. How devastating.

You could put a memoriam to her in the programs. No need to explain. Yes, she committed suicide, but obviously was troubled. This would be a nice way to honor her.

jennipea382 · January 2012

Oh wow I'm so sorry. Not only is it terrible to lose a friend so young, that's a horrible way. I couldn't imagine :-(

I agree with PPs - take your time and just grieve, however you need to do that. When you do think about it again, I think a subtle reminder would be nice. As PPs mentioned, something like playing her favorite song, wearing a piece of her jewelry, lighting a candle, etc. You want to remember her and feel like she is still a part of the wedding, but you don't want it to be overwhelming. I liked what the PP said about walking with a candle and putting it in her spot, but I think I'd be so sad seeing that, even without knowing her. I'm sure she'd want you to focus on having a beautiful and fun wedding, and not worrying too much about her. Good luck figuring it out, and again I'm so sorry.

HeatherMKR · January 2012

I'm so sorry. Sending positive vibes and prayers your way. I agree with everyone. Just grieve for now, and worry about wedding stuff later. I think a memorium in the program is a good way to remember someone on that special day.

((HUGS))

monkeysip · January 2012

I can't believe how many people posting here have also lost loved ones to suicide. My heart breaks for all of you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. (and everyone else).

I can't say anything else that would mean anything.

davenport52803 · January 2012

im sorry for your loss, im sure you will figure out the right way to remember her at your wedding.

Also I agree that no one should be telling you how to grieve. There is no right way to grieve. Everyone does it in their own way. Some people like to stay busy so they dont have to deal with the pain.

enewsome2 · January 2012

Wow. I am so sorry to hear this!

At my wedding I am having a table with candles & photos of close friends/relatives who have passed away so that they can sort of "be there".

Don't stress too much about her part in the wedding. Just try to work through your grief first and go from there.

BMcLeodTeam · January 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a friend to suicide, and its completely normal to have those feelings of anger at this point!

We will have a table with candles/pictures of both of our fathers, as they have both passed. The table is slightly off to the side, so people who don't want to go look at it don't have it too in their face. Those losses are not recent, but I still don't want to upset anyone. I think in this case with how recent it is I would be careful about being too in your face. Everyone greives differently, and it may be too soon for people present to be able to be presented with this in too obvious a manner.

I think maybe something more subtle then having a candle carried down the aisle might be a better idea so as to avoid hurting anyone who might still be at a point of greiving where they have a hard time with that. I am having a locket pinned to my bouquet with a photo of my father and I, so that's also an option.

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