Officiant Dress?

AsIsTradition · December 2011

My fiance's sister will be officiating out ceremony. We are having a non-traditional ceremony as we will already have been married six month before the wedding. I have no idea what she should wear. For the ceremony we're having her do a reading of a poem or something along those lines and we will read our vows so there is no relious guidelines to go by or expectations to meet.

If this helps:

The wedding is going to be semi-casual, the only rule is no jeans. We're airring more on the side of sun dresses/cardigans and khakis seeing that it is in the spring.

Our colors are Orange and Pink.

The groomsmen will be wearing gray suits with orange lilly boutineers.

The bridesmaids orange dresses with bouquets of white hydrengeas, a large pink gerbera paisy and an orange lilly.

Any Ideas?

jagore08 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:96cd1ce1-c9a0-43a1-9783-f45f77863ac2">Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's sister will be officiating out ceremony. We are having a non-traditional ceremony as we will already have been married six month before the wedding. I have no idea what she should wear. For the ceremony we're having her do a reading of a poem or something along those lines and we will read our vows so there is no relious guidelines to go by or expectations to meet. If this helps: The wedding is going to be semi-casual, the only rule is no jeans. We're airring more on the side of sun dresses/cardigans and khakis seeing that it is in the spring. Our colors are Orange and Pink. The groomsmen will be wearing gray suits with orange lilly boutineers. The bridesmaids orange dresses with bouquets of white hydrengeas, a large pink gerbera paisy and an orange lilly. Any Ideas?
Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]
Just tell her the look you're going for and let her wear what she likes.<div>
</div><div>Out of curiosity, do your guests know that you're already married?</div>

KellyBrian2013 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:96cd1ce1-c9a0-43a1-9783-f45f77863ac2">Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's sister will be officiating out ceremony. We are having a non-traditional ceremony as we will already have been married six month before the wedding. I have no idea what she should wear. For the ceremony we're having her do a reading of a poem or something along those lines and we will read our vows so there is no relious guidelines to go by or expectations to meet. If this helps: <strong>The wedding</strong> is going to be semi-casual, the only rule is no jeans. We're airring more on the side of sun dresses/cardigans and khakis seeing that it is in the spring. Our colors are Orange and Pink. The groomsmen will be wearing gray suits with orange lilly boutineers. The bridesmaids orange dresses with bouquets of white hydrengeas, a large pink gerbera paisy and an orange lilly. Any Ideas?
Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]

You already had your wedding, since you are already married. You are planning a vow renewal.

AsIsTradition · December 2011

We never had a wedding or said vows. We are getting legally married in the next few weeks, just the paperwork aspect because I am enlisting and need to be married because we have a daughter.

Most of our guests will not know that we are already married except for a few close relatives helping us with the planning.

jagore08 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:a28f33cd-9988-4667-ba50-a8b1f8083bf8">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]We never had a wedding or said vows. We are getting legally married in the next few weeks, just the paperwork aspect because I am enlisting and need to be married because we have a daughter. Most of our guests will not know that we are already married except for a few close relatives helping us with the planning.
Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]
When you have your <strong>vow renewal</strong> in six months, your guests should know. Many military couples get married quickly for several reasons but it's not right to let your guests think they're witnessing your actual marriage. There's nothing wrong about having a vow renewal but there is something wrong with misleading your family and friends.

KellyBrian2013 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:a28f33cd-9988-4667-ba50-a8b1f8083bf8">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]We never had a wedding or said vows. We are getting legally married in the next few weeks, just the paperwork aspect because I am enlisting and need to be married because we have a daughter. Most of our guests will not know that we are already married except for a few close relatives helping us with the planning.
Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]

1) When you get "legally married", that is your wedding. It may not be the big PPD you always dreamed of, but it is a wedding none-the-less. To say that a JOP wedding is not a real wedding or is "just paperwork" is insulting to the many brides who choose to have a JOP wedding.

2) Please do not lie to your guests. There is nothing wrong with a vow renewal, but, as PP mentioned, there <em>is </em>something wrong with lying to your guests. Not to mention, do you really want to start your marriage with a lie?

(Edited because I'm exhausted from trying to pull an all-nighter and finish up some assignments.)

Soon2BeMrsTing · December 2011

I agree with the others. Please don't mislead your guests! Some brides on these boards have horror stories of friends or family members who did just that, and the ramifications of the deception were far-reaching.

Have an anniversary party and call it a day.

tldh · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:a28f33cd-9988-4667-ba50-a8b1f8083bf8">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]We never had a wedding or said vows. We are getting legally married in the next few weeks,<strong> just the paperwork</strong> aspect because I am enlisting and need to be married because we have a daughter. Most of our guests will not know that we are already married except for a few close relatives helping us with the planning.
Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]

This phrase needs to be banned from the English language when it is referring to a person's wedding. There is no such thing as "just signing the paperwork." You will stand in front of a licensed officiant and you will say vows. <em>This</em> is your wedding; what you are planning is a <em>vow renewal</em>.

When you try to say that it doesn't count as your "wedding" you are insulting many many people who were married at the JOP, including generations of military couples who came before you.

Johannah22 · December 2011

I agree with lett your sis wear what she likes as long as it compliments colors etc. Going shopping with her if you can that way you both will have a fun time and know what the available options are! It's your business on what you want to call it! What the heck does it matter if you signed the papers already? Your celebrating your union with family and friends and I personally would not give a dang what you call it, wedding or renewal, whatever, as a friend or fam member, I'd be happy to celebrate with you! Some people are too clingy to "traditions" and this is obviously not a traditional marriage! I see this line on TK all the time and I think it's suitable here; you get one day, call it whatever you want!

AsIsTradition · December 2011

I see it this way- a wedding is sharing your love for your partner with your family and friends for the first time in a formal showing. A peice of paper is not going to change how you feel about someone. Getting married and having a wedding really aren't always the same. We will be sharing the joining of our families that day, which is what a wedding means to us. It is not misleading in any way. They know we are getting married we have a daughter and live together we may as well already be, a peice of paper does not define your relationship. It is a legal document. We are having a wedding. How you define it is up to you but don't make my day less than what it is because you are petty.

I need to have a legal document on file stating that we are married before I can sign my enlistment papers. Our relationship does not change until we can share the joining of our families.

And thank you to the few people who actually answered my question instead of judging our views and life decisions.

AsIsTradition · December 2011

And as for our decision we're going to look for a printed dress with both the pink and the orange.

aragx6 · December 2011

If everyone knew, that would be fine, but you already said you're lying to most of your guests. Not OK. If I found this out before (without you telling me obviously) I would probably not attend. If I found out after the fact, our relationship would be in serious jeaopardy.

Everyone here is just telling you what others will be thinking. Just be sure you're OK with the kind of hurt you could cause your friends and family.

soohappy · December 2011

I love the idea of your sister matching the wedding colors. I think it will look beautiful in pictures too, not that's what it's abiout but I've been married once before and hated the purple robes in my red, black and white pictures. The rest is your business and because noone else mentioned it THANK YOU for your service. Enlisting and having a family is a true sacrifice and I for one and very greatful to you.

AsIsTradition · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:ed9dd6ad-760e-4ded-9629-272b0b38ff1c">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]Officiants decide their own dress. This couple is already legally married. That has nothing to do with tradition or etiquette (which are two entirely different things) and everything to do with honesty and integrity. People will find out, and will wonder why the couple found it necessary to hide the truth. The most obvious reasons are entitlement ("I deserve the big white party"), integrity ("I don't care if I lie to my friends.") and greed ("I have to do this or I won't get presents.") That's what will happen. Avoid trouble now, and be honest.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You are the one who seems to be greedy and lack integrity. We as of yet are not married. We may tell them before hand but the wedding is not for gifts or for the sake of a big white wedding. We are actually having it in the back yard under tents with sandwiches. Our wedding is for the joining of our families. We are being legally wed prior to that so I can serve you. Otherwise I would not be able to enlist into the military to do so. How about you drop the issue of my honesty and integrity. We have lied to noone, and if our friends and family don't want to celebrate with us before I leave for basic training that is their business not yours. I asked a question about attire not about what you believe to be right and wrong.
</div><div>
</div><div>His sister and brother in law were married for almost a full year before they had their wedding for their families and friends. They feel the same way we do; that a wedding is a joining of the bride and grooms family and friends. While some people think a piece of paper defines marriage, our families do not and they would not care if they didn't get to see us sign it they will get to hear us read our written vows (which we will not be saying at the court house) and it will be a sincere ceremony and a celebration of love. If you can't accept love for what it is and you need a peice of paper to define you maybe you shouldn't be married because the paper is a business transaction not a feeling.</div><div>
</div><div>Thank you all for your closed mindedness.</div><div>
</div><div>And a sincere thank you for the couple of people who have stood up for the integrity of a woman willing to serve and protect your country. Thank you for the support. Happy Holidays to you and yours.</div>

NOLAbridealmost · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:84ef4009-6ecf-4c52-9310-d61ea27186ec">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]I see it this way- a wedding is sharing your love for your partner with your family and friends for the first time in a formal showing. A peice of paper is not going to change how you feel about someone. Getting married and having a wedding really aren't always the same. We will be sharing the joining of our families that day, which is what a wedding means to us. It is not misleading in any way. They know we are getting married we have a daughter and live together we may as well already be, a peice of paper does not define your relationship. It is a legal document. We are having a wedding. How you define it is up to you but don't make my day less than what it is because you are petty. I need to have a legal document on file stating that we are married before I can sign my enlistment papers. Our relationship does not change until we can share the joining of our families. And thank you to the few people who actually answered my question instead of judging our views and life decisions.
Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This entire tome is <em>precisely </em>why "do-over" ceremonies after getting legally married are so off-putting. It's an "oh the marriage didn't count unless I <em>say</em> it counts" attitude that makes do-over brides seem at best immature and at worst delusional and self-centered. </div><div>
</div><div>Seriously. You're married. You'll have <em>been</em> married for 6 months by the time the do-over rolls around. Does that 6 months of being legally bound to someone you love mean nothing to you? It matters. It <em>will </em>change your life and relationship in ways you don't even realize until it happens. </div><div>
</div>

NOLAbridealmost · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:e9eb6a8f-9796-4ad2-abf9-13768f07c5a5">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Officiant Dress? : You are the one who seems to be greedy and lack integrity. We as of yet are not married. We may tell them before hand but the wedding is not for gifts or for the sake of a big white wedding. We are actually having it in the back yard under tents with sandwiches. Our wedding is for the joining of our families. We are being legally wed prior to that so I can serve you. Otherwise I would not be able to enlist into the military to do so. How about you drop the issue of my honesty and integrity. We have lied to noone, and if our friends and family don't want to celebrate with us before I leave for basic training that is their business not yours. I asked a question about attire not about what you believe to be right and wrong. His sister and brother in law were married for almost a full year before they had their wedding for their families and friends. They feel the same way we do; that a wedding is a joining of the bride and grooms family and friends. While some people think a piece of paper defines marriage, our families do not and they would not care if they didn't get to see us sign it they will get to hear us read our written vows (which we will not be saying at the court house) and it will be a sincere ceremony and a celebration of love. If you can't accept love for what it is and you need a peice of paper to define you maybe you shouldn't be married because the paper is a business transaction not a feeling. Thank you all for your closed mindedness. And a sincere thank you for the couple of people who have stood up for the integrity of a woman willing to serve and protect your country. Thank you for the support. Happy Holidays to you and yours.
Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Um, last I checked you can enlist when single. And last I checked you can get married, enlist, and skip the do-over. Thanks for the sacrifice and all, but don't use it to justify <em>choosing</em> to do something (do-over wedding) that is completely within your control.

</div>

AsIsTradition · December 2011

It really is not. We have a child and "single" mothers can not enlist it is a disqualifying factor.

You can call me a bad person all you want but as far as we or our families are concerned a wedding is about the joining of the families not the formalities of legal papers.

AsIsTradition · December 2011

Also, it really won't change our relationship because we live together and have a child, we love eachother. Being legally bound means nothing to us. We don't need to be bound by a contract to be comitted. If I weren't enlisting we would have taken our sweet time in planning and having an official wedding with our families attending all of it, but we can not do that because I need to be able to fill out my paperwork.

Who are you to judge other people's life decisions? Especially people you don't know. You don't know me, our families or circumstances, so back off. We are doing othing wrong.

You may have had your day and I bet it was everything you dreamed. Every bride should be allowed to have her day to share with the people she loves.

KellyBrian2013 · December 2011

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:a342c0d2-cb81-4917-b569-dd1e90bb7be6">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, it really won't change our relationship because we live together and have a child, we love eachother. Being legally bound means nothing to us. We don't need to be bound by a contract to be comitted. If I weren't enlisting we would have taken our sweet time in planning and having an official wedding with our families attending all of it, but we can not do that because I need to be able to fill out my paperwork. Who are you to judge other people's life decisions? Especially people you don't know. You don't know me, our families or circumstances, so back off. <strong>We are doing othing wrong</strong>. You may have had your day and I bet it was everything you dreamed. <strong>Every bride should be allowed to have her day to share with the people she loves.
</strong>Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]

Lying to your friends and family to start your marriage is wrong. If you want to have a VOW RENEWAL, that's fine. But call it a vow renewal and make sure your guests know that you are ALREADY MARRIED when it occurs.

You <em>can</em> have the "day to share with the people you love" - but you can't have a second wedding unless you are divorced, anulled, or - heaven forbid - widowed in between. YOU made the choice to have a child. YOU are making the choice to enlist. So now YOU need to choose what's more important to you.

Regardless of how your families feel, the DAY YOU GET MARRIED IS YOUR WEDDING. That is the day you are planning to go to the courthouse.</div>

renegade gaucho · December 2011

As the wife of someone who has been in the Army for 17 years, I think what you're doing is wrong. You absolutely must tell your guests that you are already legally married. It's kind of ironic that you're all about joining your families, but you're going to do it by being dishonest with them.

And yeah, when you get married by a JOP, you don't just sign a paper. You actually do say vows. There is an actual ceremony performed- it takes a lot less time than a traditional wedding ceremony, but it's not just a matter of writing your names.

It's very common for people in the military to JOP it and have a bigger celebration later, so I'm sure your families would be supportive. I really don't see any reason to keep it a secret. What might upset people is finding out down the road that you lied to them.

renegade gaucho · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:a342c0d2-cb81-4917-b569-dd1e90bb7be6">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, it really won't change our relationship because we live together and have a child, we love eachother. Being legally bound means nothing to us.
Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]

So during the six months when you are "only" married on paper, if one of you has to go to the hospital, will the other refrain from visiting? If one of you becomes incapacitated, will the other let someone else make important medical decisions? Your attitude really chaps my hide- go tell all the gay people who are fighting so hard for their civil rights that a marriage license is "just" a piece of paper. The fact is that it puts you in a privileged position in society, and that you would enjoy all the benefits of it while pretending that it's meaningless is pretty arrogant.

AsIsTradition · December 2011

I think I should have been a little clearer. We are telling people just not right away. We are not married yet. I am on here asking for help with planning our celebration. Better? for everyone who is being so literal. For our friends and family when we are in front of them saying our vows is the important part. We are going to to court house and having dinner with our parents afterward.

When we send out invitations they will say join us for a celebration of the marriage of.....

So everyone shove off. Like I said before we are doing nothing wrong. As of right now we aren't really discussing why we are getting married legally now and celebrating later, but most of them do know that we will be married. It's the why we are not sharing right away, I have a family kind of like all of you.... They take things out of porportion and stick their noses in places they dont beong instead of saying congratulations and giving advice when asked.

They didn't like the idea of me enlisting when I was in high school, and they would feel even more adimantly against it now. I get enough of this crap form them. If I could remove this post I would. I'm done I will be removing myself from theknot.com completely.

KellyBrian2013 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:326567eb-ebba-44ac-b225-e25dab79238c">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I should have been a little clearer. We are telling people just not right away. We are not married yet. I am on here asking for help with planning our celebration. Better? for everyone who is being so literal. For our friends and family when we are in front of them saying our vows is the important part. We are going to to court house and having dinner with our parents afterward. When we send out invitations they will say join us for a celebration of the marriage of..... So everyone shove off. Like I said before we are doing nothing wrong. As of right now we aren't really discussing why we are getting married legally now and celebrating later, but most of them do know that we will be married. It's the why we are not sharing right away, I have a family kind of like all of you.... They take things out of porportion and stick their noses in places they dont beong instead of saying congratulations and giving advice when asked. They didn't like the idea of me enlisting when I was in high school, and they would feel even more adimantly against it now. I get enough of this crap form them. If I could remove this post I would.<strong> I'm done I will be removing myself from theknot.com completely.
</strong>Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]

GBKC in 5...4...3...2...1...

renegade gaucho · December 2011

Gee, I can't imagine where people got the idea that you weren't going to tell your guests that you were already married.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:a28f33cd-9988-4667-ba50-a8b1f8083bf8">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]Most of our guests will not know that we are already married except for a few close relatives helping us with the planning.
Posted by AsIsTradition[/QUOTE]

In general, you'll find that people will have a much easier time understanding you if you say what you mean, rather than saying the opposite of what you mean.

Johannah22 · December 2011

Perfect

Johannah22 · December 2011

Wow. This entire post made me lose a lot of respect for these silly little girls on the knot, excuse me, as you say TK. Really? You girls have really nothing better to do than shove your "so high and mighty" opinion down someone else's throat. How many of you girls are already married? Okay than why are you still coming to this site? Oh gotcha don't wanna live past this part because it's all down hill from here. Go have a baby or something, geez just move on. Once I'm done with my wedding, I sure won't need to come back to these posts to reaffirm my wedding beliefs by shoving what I think is right or wrong in other peoples faces. Tacky. AslsTradition more power to you darling, do what you do and do it well, I'm certain your family is honored by you and 'majority' of people are honored by your serving. Have a blessed wedding and be save while abroad as travel.

KellyBrian2013 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_officiant-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:cb01260d-14fa-43db-9427-f15c85a4488ePost:9dd96833-2160-4740-837f-cbbfa4286541">Re: Officiant Dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. This entire post made me lose a lot of respect for these silly little girls on the knot, excuse me, as you say TK. Really? You girls have really nothing better to do than shove your "so high and mighty" opinion down someone else's throat.<strong> How many of you girls are already married?</strong> Okay than why are you still coming to this site? Oh gotcha don't wanna live past this part because it's all down hill from here. Go have a baby or something, geez just move on. Once I'm done with my wedding, I sure won't need to come back to these posts to reaffirm my wedding beliefs by shoving what I think is right or wrong in other peoples faces. Tacky. <strong>AslsTradition more power to you darling, do what you do</strong> and do it well, I'm certain your family is honored by you and 'majority' of people are honored by your serving. <strong>Have a blessed wedding</strong> and be save while abroad as travel.
Posted by Johannah22[/QUOTE]
1) I'm not married... and even if I was, it doesn't invalidate the advice given.
2) "Do what you do" at the expense of lying to and/or alienating your family? Yeah, because <em>that's</em> good advice. *eye roll*
3) OP is <strong>ALREADY MARRIED</strong>. So she's already had a wedding. And by your standards, she shouldn't even be on this site, right?

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