Really?!?!

amber16may · August 2010

Okay so this really isn't Wedding related but....Is there anyone else that is tired of seeing, hearing, or just being around people that freak out when their SO is gone for a day, a week, a month? I know that this is the life that we chose but sometimes I just want to kick those people in the teeth! I wonder if they could even survive living apart for 6 months not to mention the year long deployments thrown in.

On a happier note, I would like each of you ladies to pat yourselves on the back for either being or supporting someone who supports and defends the amazing Country we live in. It is not easy to be or stand behind someone in the Armed Forces. You should be proud of yourself and your loved one

Luke&Sam625 · August 2010

OMG I know!! I live in the barracks, and since i'm the oldest & highest ranking female on my hall, I'm the RA. I cannot tell you how many times I'll hear or see girls crying because their boyfriend WHO LIVES ON THE SAME BASE wanted to go camping with the boys, or had watch so they couldn't spend the night together.. They learned REAL quick not to knock on my door looking for sympathy. The 3rd girl that came to me with an OMG! He got orders to another base IN THE SAME STATE, got an eye roll, a box of tissues tossed at her, and a "My FI is in Japan, come talk to me when your SO is 6,000 miles and 18 hours ahead of you". I mean, I would Love to be in the same state as my FI, I would settle for the same time zone!! I don't mean to be an unfeeling hateful bitch, but seriously?! You can't join the military and not expect to be separated from the ones you love, nor can you become involved with anyone in the military and not be able to handle the distance. My mom always says it takes very special men & women to be in the military and very special men & women to love those who serve. Congrats to all of US for being such special, amazing & incredible Women!!

mysticl · August 2010

I didn't see this but a girl whose bf serves on the same ship as my FI told me about it. The ship had been gone for 3 or 4 days and she had gone to the pier to pick up her bf (she's 21 and in school so she's still a dependent under her step-dad). She saw another woman there to pick up her sailor. The woman was holding flowers and crying like crazy. We can't figure out how she was going to survive a full deployment. This was seriously just a weekend cruise, there had been times where they stayed in port and went longer stretches without being able to come home.

My personal favorite (note sarcasm) from a friend who has nothing to do with the military was when she posted on fb complaining about how something just had to break and her husband wouldn't be home for a whole hour. She's one of my closest friends but I had to give myself a good talking to before I typed something I would regret.

meltoine · August 2010

I've heard women say that they feel physical pain being away from their SO for one night. Really? I can't think of anything more relaxing - eat what I want for dinner, go to bed when I want, take a nice, long, uninterrupted bath....

elizabethm4 · August 2010

haha I don't usually post but this one got my attention.

My DH is in Iraq, 10 months into a year deployment. I spent the last 5 months doing a study abroad program. I had this friend who would complain CONSTANTLY about how much she missed her boyfriend. She was only apart from him for like 3 weeks, then he came to visit for 2 weeks, then they were apart for another couple of weeks before something happened and she had to go home. Now she says they missed each other so much that they barely go anywhere without each other.

OMG

Honestly it makes me appreciate the strong person I have become because of the Army. Wouldn't trade it for anything no matter how hard it is sometimes and no matter how much I want to slap a B**ch for being so ridiculous

amber16may · August 2010

Haha these are so funny! I'm so glad that I am not the only one. I love my Sister to death but....Her husband left for less than two weeks and everyday it was a "I can't live without him" "I'm so alone". LOL It takes me at least a week to even miss my Fiance. I mean I love having him around but it's nice to cook what I want, read what I want, watch whatever TLC girly reality show that I want for at least a couple of days

Ebattani · August 2010

Oh LORD I think we probably all could tell so many stories about this! I think this is probably my biggest pet-peeve about my friends in non-military relationships. I guess what bugs me most is when people try to compare the situations. My fi is an infantry Marine stationed 4000 miles away in Hawaii, so not only is he far away, but he's gone all the time training with usually very little contact. I have a friend who actually complained to me about how her (non-military of course) bf is living 45 minutes away during the summer. What?!? I had to bite my lip in order to not laugh and tell her that she's lucky she sees him more than a total of 2 weeks in a year and half. Oh well, such is life! It's hard, but I wouldn't change it because I'm so proud of what my man does!

crimsonchik · August 2010

You all come across as snobs!!! Why are you putting yourself in the position to judge someone's feelings- which cannot be wrong? Yes, you heard me: 'Feelings cannot be wrong'. They are not facts to be disputed.

My man and I have been long distance for all but two months of our two year reltaionship, and yes, in case you care (which apparently you do) it is a 'real' long distance relationship of being on different continents the entire time. (We got married by double proxy while I was in Honduras and he was on the way to Afghanistan.) But even if we were just a few states removed, that would be too far. . ... we are so over being apart.

I think having this experience has given me perspective, and now I can extend hope and sympathy to so many other girls that long distance can work, and life goes on even through the empiness.

nicole loves chris · August 2010

You're right, sometimes people in non-military relationship just don't have tact when talking about how unbearable 2 days apart when people in mil relationships go much, much longer. My FI deployed to Iraq for 8 months, 2 months after we started dating. I still get sniffly thinking about how difficult that was. While he was deployed, my best friend would be on the phone with her FI at the time (now hubby) saying how much she missed him (2 hours after leaving their apartment) and how much she would miss him til the next day. I bit my tongue and she eventually realized that while missing someone is missing someone, it wasn't exactly tactful to kick a girl when she was down per se, while her FI was deployed.

I think it's all about mutual respect and understanding though. FI has been home a year and a half and we've only been apart a total of 3 weeks I'd say. Do I miss him terribly when he's in the field for a week, or flies home to see his family when I can't go? Of course. But I don't want anyone to minimize my missing him just because her Marine/Soldier/Seabee/Airman/Coastie has been gone longer than mine has. I think everyone has a right to miss their SO for whatever length of time they're apart (ok, an hour is a bit unreasonable haha).

I think Mil Spouses often get a bitchy rep because of how we respond to situations like this, which is where the mutual respect comes into play. If we help them to understand, maybe they'll be more tactful in the future?

Sorry for the novel, that's just my 2¢ =]

Ebattani · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:33dd2f12-a965-44f0-b705-5f5bb45f9ef1Post:dde692a6-7c47-472f-904f-7a86a49bebf9">Re: Really?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]You all come across as snobs!!! Why are you putting yourself in the position to judge someone's feelings- which cannot be wrong? Yes, you heard me: 'Feelings cannot be wrong'. They are not facts to be disputed. [/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm not disputing that people have genuine feelings about missing their SO. I get it, the few times my FI is actually home I get sad when were more than 5 feet apart. One thing I've learned quickly since entering the military life is that you don't go around complaining about how your SO is gone for a couple weeks training or even when they're deployed. No one really wants to hear it because they've been there, done that, are doing it, will be doing it soon and someone always has it worse. It's simply a fact of our lives. So, when I hear someone complaining about their boyfriend being gone for a week on vacation it really does sting. I think the last poster hit it on the head-- It is like being kicked when you're down. I WISH my fiance was on a week long vacation rather than in a combat zone. The stress and worry that come along with missing a military SO make it a completely different situation and I actually get upset when people try to pretend they get it, because you simply don't until you experience it. Sorry if that's "snobby."</div><div>
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Luke&Sam625 · August 2010

I don't think any of us are being snobby. As you said "Feelings can't be wrong" and my feelings are that most girls don't realize that they are throwing it back in our faces when they think its unfair that thier SO had to go out of town for a week, or went on a boys trip for the weekend. I'd rather my FI be camping with the boys, or sent on a business trip than being shot at on a daily basis. As Military gf's/fi's/spouses we deal with our SO's leaving and the possibility they we won't ever see them again. I understand that there is always a chance that something awful could happen, but even you have to admit that the chances are more likely for a tragedy in a military situation. I FEEL that most of the ladies on this board would agree and FEEL the same way I do. I also FEEL that you were rude to say we're snobs.

resumary · August 2010

I have had so many random people ask me negative questiond pertaining to miltary marriage..i.e. " are you prepared to raise your children alone?" or "what happens when he's gone for a year?" the answer??? we are strong women who won't fall apart at the seams when our husbands are called away, and know that the love we have is stronger than any distance you could out between us

it's not easy ladies but even if there is half a planet between you and your spouse there is always a person to turn for for advice, support and recognition! it is but a small price to pay for the freedom we enjoy and the brilliance of our love for one another.

god bless!

bintmejnuna · August 2010

I am active duty AF and I work with a girl who annoys the crap out of me because of this. She has managed to go through tech school with her boyfriend, and then get stationed with him overseas, and then deployed with him, and at the end of her deployment, he left about 4 days before she did, and she couldn't stop talking about how bad it hurt to be apart. I get it, it sucks to be apart, but having her complain to me about 4 days when I had seen my H for less than 4 weeks in the past two years was a bit much to take.

Revangel · August 2010

This does annoy me a bit, although I used to be in that situation where I missed my fiance when he or I would be gone for the weekend, so I understand. I've never been through a 6 month or year long deployment so I can't even imagine that. My FI is away right now for 3months for basic training, and he is in another province so it isn't easy to see him. Whenever someone does complain about missing their bf or whatever for a weekend now, I just say "Yeah I know how you feel, it's been tough not seeing my FI for over a month....." and they usually get the point. I know it's only going to be harder if/when he gets deployed and I applaud you strong ladies for getting through it ok. I only hope I can be as strong when my time comes.

elizabethm4 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:33dd2f12-a965-44f0-b705-5f5bb45f9ef1Post:d87e954a-b5d4-4232-a864-828c2f7f1ebc">Re: Really?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Really?!?! : I'm not disputing that people have genuine feelings about missing their SO. I get it, the few times my FI is actually home I get sad when were more than 5 feet apart. One thing I've learned quickly since entering the military life is that you don't go around complaining about how your SO is gone for a couple weeks training or even when they're deployed. No one really wants to hear it because they've been there, done that, are doing it or will be doing it soon. It's simply a fact of our lives. So, when I hear someone complaining about their boyfriend being gone for a week on vacation it really does sting. I think the last poster hit it on the head-- It is like being kicked when you're down. I WISH my fiance was on a week long vacation rather than in a combat zone. The stress and worry that come along with missing a military SO make it a completely different situation and I actually get upset when people try to pretend they get it, because you simply don't until you experience it. Sorry if that's "snobby."
Posted by Ebattani[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>THIS</div><div>
</div><div>And to clarify, when I run into situations where I would like to tell people to not complain about their bf being gone for a day, I bite my tongue. I don't go around saying, "well DH is deployed so there" but it does hurt to hear girls miss their bf so much when they can just pick up the phone and call, or they get to see him next week. I'm not saying that my feelings are more important than theirs, I'm saying that a lot of people are extremely insensitive by complaining about that kind of stuff when they know what our situations are. They don't mean to kick us when we're down but that's essentially what they're doing.</div><div>
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Amy+Chris · August 2010

I'm really glad I'm not the only one who gets irritated by the "OMG he can't come over tonight I'm gonna die" feelings that some of my friends express to me. One in particular was really irritating. Some background: My FI has been stationed in England for over 2 years. I had to finish my degree and didn't want to move my son to another country, so I stayed in the states to finish my business while he went abroad. We have been long distance for 2 years and we won't be living together for another year because of my job. One of my friends just started living with her boyfriend and called me one night saying she "misses him so much! He has to work until 11 tonight, I don't know how I can deal with it!" Since this was about the 3rd time she did this, I decided not to bite my tongue and told her if she wanted sympathy to go somewhere else because she would get NOTHING from me!
Being in long distance relationships is hard, no matter how long the distance, and every once in a while it is nice to know that other people are in the same boat.

catemeg · August 2010

I think it's a tough position to be in, and this isn't really just about insensitivity on the part of those who aren't in a relationship with someone in the military. It's more about those who have been through the difficulties of military separation belittling the feelings of those who have not. Hear me out - I'm not arguing that military spouses have to deal with a lot harder circumstances than the average person, but it's perhaps a tiny bit of envy on our part that they don't have to experience the separation and anxiety of a deployment. And we use the reasons that comfort us (a sense of duty, responsibility to defend the country, sense of independence, pride in our men, etc.) as a tool to feel superior.

Yes, the girls who complain about relatively minor separations are inconsiderate when they're talking to a loved one of someone in the military. But at the same time, you can't blame them for their ignorance. If we all had the choice, none of us would be separated from our loved ones. None of us WANT to have the love of our life stationed overseas, especially during a difficult and dangerous deployment. No wife wants to raise their children as a single Mom for even a small amount of time. We'd all prefer that we be with our loved ones, so it's not like these girls aren't feeling the same thing. They're just more sensitive because they haven't had to go through the difficulties of a military relationship. I'm glad they haven't had to go through it - honestly, it sucks, and I'm dreading deployment as I haven't even been through anything more difficult than my boyfriend off at OCS. But it isn't a competition about who has it worse, because all of us win compared to the husbands and wives who have lost their spouse in combat. And because we know that, we must never begrudge those women who miss their men for even a few days. We must never feel superior (or at least try not to, even when it's hard) because we're actually a little envious that these women know so little about separation that they'd be bothered by a few hours or a few days. And remember that those who have lost loved ones in combat are envious of us.

Thus, try to be compassionate, even with those who are too ignorant to be sensitive to your own feelings. Being apart from our loved ones will hopefully make us stronger, and big enough people to realize that the burden we carry cannot be compared to the burden of another.

mysticl · August 2010

Crimsonchik, we aren't being snobs, we all get that feelings are feelings. I'm a Social Worker so I've spent a fair chunk of my professional life validating feelings. And here is what we feel: Lonely, Sad, and Scared. And so when a friend complains about how constantly texting and calling her BF isn't enough or one complains that it is going to be a whole HOUR till her husband gets home from work it hurts us. But we get that they have their feelings and aren't trying to deliberately hurt us. So we don't trash the friendship over a few words, we suck it up and we come here to our safe place where we can share our feelings with other women who get it.

elizabethm4 · August 2010

Exactly. Everyone needs to vent, but that doesn't mean we run around telling everyone we are better because we deal with more. And yes, I think we're all a little jealous that some people have never had to experience some of the things that we have. And I completely agree with catemeg, I rarely complain about missing my husband because I'm lucky that he's healthy and coming home soon.

crimsonchik · August 2010

i'm sorry i said you were snobs.

i think it is jealousy that drive us to these attitudes.
that we wish the absences we deal with are as trivial as others.

amber16may · August 2010

For those of you who have been offended by my post...I was about to apologize but I have changed my mind. I am not going to apologize for my feelings. Yes I do have a very high regard for those who serve in our Armed Forces. I believe that everyone who serves or has served deserves at least that honor.

Now for those who thought I was being snobby or inconsiderate. I was not. The reason I posted this here was to see if anyone else was feeling the same or if I was just feeling the stress of Deployment and Wedding planning overwhelming. Or maybe I was just venting to a group who I thought would understand or is maybe going through similar things.

mysticl · August 2010

Amber I'm glad you posted it. Like I said above I have those moments and it's nice to know I'm not alone. I don't always like to talk to non-military types about how I'm feeling because while they try to be sympathetic they have no frame of reference and sometimes end up saying the wrong thing. The last day or so I keep checking facebook to see who is online because I really need to talk to someone but there are only certain people on there I'm willing to talk to about this because they "get it".

catemeg · August 2010

My point wasn't to tell everyone to feel *good* about your loved ones being gone. Obviously it sucks! And Amber, I really don't want you to apologize! I wasn't chastizing anyone - I was just trying to give everyone a bit of a reality check. It's fine to vent and commiserate for a minute, but when we start getting condescending towards others who don't have any idea how puny their problems seem in comparison, it makes us look bad. And we're better than that! And as military spouses, we must always remember to be just as considerate towards those who have lost their loved ones as we want civilians to be to us. While our guys may be gone for much longer than a few days, at least they're coming home. Imagine how petty we seem when we complain about our loved ones being deployed to someone who lost their husband in combat.

Just a bit of perspective, as well as a hug for all my fellow loved ones of service members!

Smithy2B · August 2010

it takes a very strong woman to be a military wife...so props to you all. It can be scary and lonely at times, but the time away just makes the reunions so much better.....

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