Future MIL help!

RoverCat · September 2010

So, before my fiance and I became engaged, we got along just fine and dandy, but now I'm finding myself avoiding her. My fiance and I are trying to keep a smallish (less than 100) wedding, of family and close friends as we are paying for everything ourselves. It started when she got a hold of our extra Save the Dates (after my fiance got some names/addresses from her), and started sending them out willy-nilly--to the neighbors, her friends, everyone in her book club, distant relatives, etc. When my fiance confronted her about it, saying the STDs were supposed to be ONLY for family and -very- close friends, she insisted that oh, they're not going to show up, blah blah blah. She invited almost 100 people! I hate to be a bridezilla here, but it's my wedding and I wanted to spend that day with people close to my fiance and I, not the mother-in-law...

Anyhow, we've just started getting our RSVPs and got our first 'no-no'--someone RSVP'd with an univited guest. Surprise, surprise, it's a friend of the MIL. My fiance called his mother and very gently asked if she could call her friend to let her know that there is no space for her friend. Well, MIL started going on saying well, apparently it's a very serious relationship, it's just one person, etc. before finally saying she didn't want to "be in the middle." The MIL was the one who invited her! We saw this friend less than two months ago, and there was no hint of her being in a relationship, let alone a serious one! I am fine with calling this person and telling them they cannot come with a guest (with the knowledge that they might not come at all), but I really feel like the MIL should be taking care this, especially because I suspect it will happen again. Am I wrong to feel this way?

laurenclaire1386 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5997c9b-06f9-4321-96d9-067f7d5a293aPost:ea97e215-889e-4c44-add5-868b19611e06">Future MIL help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So, before my fiance and I became engaged, we got along just fine and dandy, but now I'm finding myself avoiding her. My fiance and I are trying to keep a smallish (less than 100) wedding, of family and close friends as we are paying for everything ourselves. It started when she got a hold of our extra Save the Dates (after my fiance got some names/addresses from her), and started sending them out willy-nilly--to the neighbors, her friends, everyone in her book club, distant relatives, etc. When my fiance confronted her about it, saying the STDs were supposed to be ONLY for family and -very- close friends, she insisted that oh, they're not going to show up, blah blah blah. She invited almost 100 people! I hate to be a bridezilla here, but it's my wedding and I wanted to spend that day with people close to my fiance and I, not the mother-in-law... Anyhow, we've just started getting our RSVPs and got our first 'no-no'--someone RSVP'd with an univited guest. Surprise, surprise, it's a friend of the MIL. My fiance called his mother and very gently asked if she could call her friend to let her know that there is no space for her friend. Well, MIL started going on saying well, apparently it's a very serious relationship, it's just one person, etc. before finally saying she didn't want to "be in the middle." The MIL was the one who invited her! We saw this friend less than two months ago, and there was no hint of her being in a relationship, let alone a serious one! I am fine with calling this person and telling them they cannot come with a guest (with the knowledge that they might not come at all), but <strong>I really feel like the MIL should be taking care this, especially because I suspect it will happen again. Am I wrong to feel this way?</strong>
Posted by RoverCat[/QUOTE]
I'd probably feel that way too. You made the mess, you clean it up FMIL. But, in this case, do you think she'll actually follow through and do what you asked her to do? I don't. If you want something done right, do it yourself. Just based on what you've said about your FMIL, I seriously doubt she could be trusted to make phone calls like that. You'd probably end up with even more people on the guestlist.

georgia_bride09 · September 2010

If the friend is in a long-term relationship, you should have invited their SO already. Just call the friend and handle it.

As for the STD's, well, that's what you get for giving a stack away. Plus, it's kind of past that time where you could do anything anyway.

noodle_oo · September 2010

Wow, your MIL sounds like a pain. How did she get 100 extra save the dates? You probably should not have let her have those.

Anyway, no you are not wrong in being frustrated/annoyed about it. But you can't change people so you are just going to have to accept her behavior as it is. She won't call her friend no matter how much you ask her, so just do it yourself. You can't control other people, only how you react to them. So just take it in stride, tell her you will do it yourself, then do it and the problem is solved. When MIL raelizes you are serious, she might back off. But she also might not, and you just have to accept that.

Best of luck!

squirrly · September 2010

Did you contact the people she sent the STDs to? And, I'd just call this person myself. I wouldn't trust her. If it's an actual SO, extend the invite. Otherwise, stand your ground.

And, let MIL know what her bill will be for her extra guests.

sep72fendr · September 2010

Tie her to the stake and BURN HER.

Not really. Talk to her. Let her know how you feel. If stuff starts to blow up, let her know that it's her fault and you expect her to take full responsibility. Do you have to worry about paying for all of these extra people? If she invited them, I would suggest to her that it wasn't in your budget to have all those extra people, but if she wants them, she has to pay for them. End of discussion. Don't let her get a word in edge wise.

akhensley81 · September 2010

I think your MIL and my (step) MIL might be sisters or something. While mine didn't go so far as to actually steal extra STDs/Invites and send them out.... she verbally (and on FB) invited the family members and friends that ended up getting cut from the list for budget reasons & space.

I did end up having to lose my temper with her a bit before she finally straightened out. H and I both talked to her and asked her to call these people and personally explain the mistake. She protested that "that would be embarassing," and our response was "Would it be more embarassing if these people are turned away at the door because they weren't on the list?"

That seemed to work, for us. The only people who showed up were the ones we expected.

JennaV26 · September 2010

Call them yourself because your FMIL isn't going to do it.

RoverCat · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5997c9b-06f9-4321-96d9-067f7d5a293aPost:84323267-01e1-488b-8214-6d9c09b537b8">Re: Future MIL help!</a>:
[QUOTE]That seriously sucks and you FMIL sounds like a pain in the you know what.... but curiousity is killing me here. If you intended to have a small wedding (under 100 people as you put it)<strong> why in the world did you have 100 EXTRA save the dates? 10 maybe even 20 okay but 100?</strong>
Posted by jillybean7582[/QUOTE]

We didn't have an extra 100 STDs--we had about 15 extra or so, but she mailed them to entire familes, with the 'kids' and their spouses/families included.

Our biggest issue is a.) money and b.) space. We purposely picked a place that only held 120 max because it would force us to limit the number of people, therefore help us in limiting the budget. Of course if we knew that this friend was in a serious relationship, we would have invited the SO, but over the past year that we'd seen her, there was no mention that she was even seeing anyone until we received the RSVP.

brookelynpaisley · September 2010

So this pretty much happened with my wedding, only the guest added 7 people, not 1. She called and invited these people (along with 5 others) verbally after I sent out the invitations. After she agreed to our modification of the first draft guest list which cut these very people.

Honestly, one person isn't worth fighting over. Believe me, I know it's frustrating. I'd call her and tell her that this really wasn't okay, but at this point, there's not much you can do. A STD = an invite, no matter who sent it. You can't say "never mind, you can't come." SInce she invited them, she should pay for them if your budget doesn't allow. If she refuses, guess who gets to call and explain to these people? Her.

Future MIL help!

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