Changing my middle name to maiden name when I get married... may be drama!

coopsbaby · December 2011

Okay, so backstory is when my parents got married, they had the same middle name (one that works for boys or girls) and decided all future kids would get that middle name.
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Well I hate it. Have always hated it. Everyone I know is aware of that fact. And I got a ton of crap in my family for not giving that name to any of my 3 kids (um... hello? I hate the name)

So, after my divorce I went back to my maiden name and realized I really missed it. My sis and I are the last in the line and the name dies with us. BUT I absolutely want to take fi's name when we marry. So I've decided to drop my middle name, move maiden to middle and add his last. I'm really excited about it!

I told fi right away, and he thought it was a nice idea, but you need to tell your family so they can adapt to the idea. Told my sis, she didn't care about her, but my 7year-old nephew also shares the middle name and she thinks he'll be disappointed. I think he's got legos and nintendo on his mind and could care less.

I told my dad, and he was touched that I want to keep his last name. But, he said "Your mom is going to have a problem with this. Don't tell her until after you do it".

Now, my mother resists change in all forms, but given time she always gets over it. And I know that it will likely hurt her feelings/make her sad/something, but I think I should tell her asap so she has time to get past it before the wedding. Plus, she knows I have always resisted using the name, so I don't think she'll be that mad, just surprised that it's even occurred to me to do such a thing.

So question, shouldn't I tell her right away? Especially since my dad, sis, fi, and my teenagers all know? We're going out to dinner and a musical tomorrow night, and I thought a fun girls' night out might be a good time to bring it up.

Edited for spelling

kmmssg · December 2011

I think you should tell her soon if nothing else but to keep your other family members out of the middle of things since they already know. If she finds out that they have known for a long time before she was told, that could create issues all on it's own.

I agree that your nephew will care less.

mica178 · December 2011

Just tell her and don't leave room for debate over your decision.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

Ditto PPs. If word leaks out that other family members knew, that could cause additional drama you don't need.

Stackeye210 · December 2011

Tell her asap, but don't tell her when you're out for a night of fun.

andy71781 · December 2011

You are a grown woman. You can make this decision and stand by it. Tell her soon and move on.

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2011

First off, I'm doing the same thing, and had a similar issue with my dad (my middle name is his mother's name, every female cousin on his side of the family has it, so even though he was glad I was keeping our last name in some form, he wasn't super happy that I'm dropping my grandmother's name - I don't have a huge problem with my current middle name, I just don't want to have a 27-syllable name after I'm married, you know?)

Telling him early was the best thing I could've done. He spent a week or two sulking, another week or two trying to convince me to have two middle names (which would give me an insanely long and confusing full name), then got over it, still with nine months to go before the wedding. Tell your mom, and don't let her sway you and don't make excuses. "Mom, this is the name I'm taking. I like the way it sounds, I like that it honors both of my families, and it's what I'm doing." Response to any and all shenanigans that will probably ensue? "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not changing my mind."

Sweetjadedtears · December 2011

I would just tell her as soon as you can, since other people already know it would be best that she hear it from you before it slips out accidentally. Be prepared for her to be upset, but just be gentle and firm--say that you and your FI have discussed it and this is what you have decided on.

Also, there are lots of cultures where, when the woman marries, her maiden name becomes her middle name and she takes her husband's last name--then the names are passed down to the kids so that the woman's side of the family is still incorporated. That is what they do in Brazil, and as a result I have 4 middle names (my mother and grandmother's maiden names are among them). When I get married in April, I'm planning on carrying on this tradition (although for a while I was thinking about keeping my name as-is). Good luck!

bbuckner984 · December 2011

I wouldn't put off telling her. Like a PP said, it is no fun being the one left out of information within a family.

I am doing something similar (dropping my first name which I don't use and is a family name) and moving my middle name up. It was actually my mom's suggestion.

chumlee7478 · December 2011

I'm doing something similar, and I told my parents after I made the decision. My dad could've cared less. My mom was a little upset, her reasoning being "well, your middle name means a lot to us, it will be sad to see you lose it". To which I responded, "if you liked it that much, it should have been my first name". That stopped her from saying anything more on the subject.

I could have kept my middle name, added my maiden name as a second middle name, and taken FI's last name as my married name. Then I realized HOLY LONG, AWKWARD name.

Just tell your parents and stand your ground. If you're old enough to get married and have children, you can choose how you want your name presented to the rest of the world.

Simply Fated · December 2011

I would def tell her just because it'll be better that the news comes straight from you and not a second hand party.

32daisies · December 2011

Not to throw a wrinkle into this, but also you should check the rules of the state you live in. I'm in New York, and I work in a clerk's office. I can tell you with 100% surety that in NYS, laws were changed in the past ten years and a woman can no longer change her middle name through her marriage license, in other words, make her maiden name her middle name. You have to go through the court system to do so legally, though you are free to use it socially.

Read more here: http://www.missnowmrs.com/Newlywed-Blog/index.php/name-change/maiden-to-middle-name-change.html
The states where you can run into problems with this are California, New Jersey, New York, New York City, Ohio (unless your Marriage Certificate shows your intended middle name), Pennsylvania or Washington. It looks like possibly Indiana now, too.

[Disclaimer: We've talked about this elsewhere on these boards, and yes, it's possible you'll find a clerk somewhere in NYS who'll "let you get away with it". But legally they shouldn't. Want to do it anyhow? No prob. But... Do you really want your marriage license to have an illegality on it? And it can cause messy confusion; read the comments on the post above.]

This may be entirely moot, in which case, forgive me for adding to the pile.

Just wanted to make sure you had all the info though, and I think it doesn't hurt to put it out there for everyone.

AmethystMSU · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-middle-name-maiden-name-married-may-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6458fd5b-5a07-4340-970a-47ecd56b2ceePost:1cfae2e3-934d-4fc7-b5cf-51d9ec0c278c">Re: Changing my middle name to maiden name when I get married... may be drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell her asap, but don't tell her when you're out for a night of fun.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
This. If she reacts poorly to it, her night will be ruined. No point to ruining her night.

I dropped my middle name for my maiden as well, but my middle name had no significance in my family. It was just a name my parents chose that went well with my first name. I kind of miss it, but it was one of the very popular middle names (Marie) so it's not like it was unique or special. I may use it with my future daughter someday.

fluttaby32 · December 2011

make sure she hears it from you. and soon. she will be hurt if she finds out you told everyone long before you told her.

lyndausvi · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-middle-name-maiden-name-married-may-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6458fd5b-5a07-4340-970a-47ecd56b2ceePost:9bb81998-bf6b-45e2-b62d-055da9cdc770">Re: Changing my middle name to maiden name when I get married... may be drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]Not to throw a wrinkle into this, but also you should check the rules of the state you live in. I'm in New York, and I work in a clerk's office. I can tell you with 100% surety that in NYS, laws were changed in the past ten years and a woman can no longer change her middle name through her marriage license, in other words, make her maiden name her middle name. You have to go through the court system to do so legally, though you are free to use it socially. Read more here: <a href="http://www.missnowmrs.com/Newlywed-Blog/index.php/name-change/maiden-to-middle-name-change.html" rel='nofollow'>http://www.missnowmrs.com/Newlywed-Blog/index.php/name-change/maiden-to-middle-name-change.html</a> The states where you can run into problems with this are California, New Jersey, New York, New York City, Ohio (unless your Marriage Certificate shows your intended middle name), Pennsylvania or Washington . It looks like possibly Indiana now, too. [Disclaimer: We've talked about this elsewhere on these boards, and yes, it's possible you'll find a clerk somewhere in NYS who'll "let you get away with it". But legally they shouldn't. Want to do it anyhow? No prob. But... Do you really want your marriage license to have an illegality on it? And it can cause messy confusion; read the comments on the post above.] This may be entirely moot, in which case, forgive me for adding to the pile. :) Just wanted to make sure you had all the info though, and I think it doesn't hurt to put it out there for everyone.
Posted by 32daisies[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I wasn't able to change my middle name to maiden without a court order in the VI either.

</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-middle-name-maiden-name-married-may-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6458fd5b-5a07-4340-970a-47ecd56b2ceePost:9bb81998-bf6b-45e2-b62d-055da9cdc770">Re: Changing my middle name to maiden name when I get married... may be drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]Not to throw a wrinkle into this, but also you should check the rules of the state you live in. I'm in New York, and I work in a clerk's office. I can tell you with 100% surety that in NYS, laws were changed in the past ten years and a woman can no longer change her middle name through her marriage license, in other words, make her maiden name her middle name. You have to go through the court system to do so legally, though you are free to use it socially. Read more here: <a href="http://www.missnowmrs.com/Newlywed-Blog/index.php/name-change/maiden-to-middle-name-change.html" rel='nofollow'>http://www.missnowmrs.com/Newlywed-Blog/index.php/name-change/maiden-to-middle-name-change.html</a> The states where you can run into problems with this are California, New Jersey, New York, New York City, Ohio (unless your Marriage Certificate shows your intended middle name), Pennsylvania or Washington . It looks like possibly Indiana now, too. [Disclaimer: We've talked about this elsewhere on these boards, and yes, it's possible you'll find a clerk somewhere in NYS who'll "let you get away with it". But legally they shouldn't. Want to do it anyhow? No prob. But... Do you really want your marriage license to have an illegality on it? And it can cause messy confusion; read the comments on the post above.] This may be entirely moot, in which case, forgive me for adding to the pile. :) Just wanted to make sure you had all the info though, and I think it doesn't hurt to put it out there for everyone.
Posted by 32daisies[/QUOTE]

Unless the law in CA has changed in the past year, I can tell you that the marriage license allows either party to change their middle or their last name to any current or birth middle or last name or a combination thereof of either party. So you can't make up a new name and use the marriage license to change it, but you certainly can move your maiden to your middle.

Also, I'm guessing said name is Lee.

mica178 · December 2011

I can verify that there's no problem changing your maiden name to your middle name in California, or at least that was the case in 2010.

meganb1977 · December 2011

I would mention it at an opportune time (i.e. as one pp said, not during a "fun" time) and acknowledge that you know she might be disappointed or sad because it's been an important tradition in her family, but this is what you have chosen to do because it is meaningful to you and will make you happy.

coopsbaby · December 2011

Okay, didn't want to share the name in case anyone else has it, or named their children that name or something, but since people are going to guess anyway

it's Rae. Obviously spelled Ray for the boys.

It's not that I think it's the most horrible name on the planet, but it is most decidedly NOT ME. I cringe when people use it. It's always bothered me. When I had the idea to change it I giggled. It would really make me happy.

I'm glad most agree with me that I should tell her asap. I'm not worried she'll be upset because others knewfirst, since that's how it always goes in our family. You run it past others first to see if Mom is gonna cry. A lot of times my sister doesn't tell her stuff at all. They just don't want to listen to her be upset, and I think that's worse. I just know she'll get over it (she always does) and would like to get it out of the way.

And she knows there will be no changing my mind. She does not argue with me about things or try to change my mind. It doesn't work that way with me and she knows it. She will just be disappointed, and I don't want her to feel bad. I only told fi first (to make sure he liked the idea) and then sis and dad to see what kind of reaction I'd getfrom them. If they flipped their lids I may have rethought things. I had every intention of telling her the same day and my dad basically told me not to tell her till the deed is done so she can't do anything about it. Probably selfish on his part since he'll get the brunt of "Can you believe what our daughter is going to do?" She's just way to hung up on that we match. It's weird.

Oh, and thanks for bringing up the legalities of it. I haven't checked yet to make sure it's still in effect, but I'm in WI and my cousins did this several years ago, so it at least was legal. Wisconsin is pretty easy-going about name changes. Hopefully I can just do it on the license, but if not it's pretty easy to change your name here so I can do it throught the courts.

Thanks all!

Changing my middle name to maiden name when I get married... may be drama!

Re: Changing my middle name to maiden name when I get married... may be drama!

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