Fiancee's Sisters in Wedding Party??

kachuba_09 · September 2010

My fiancee has 3 sisters and I can't decide wether or not I should have them in my wedding party?! I already have 6 bridesmaids with my sister being MoH. I can't even imagine my wedding without these girls in it. So what do I do about his sisters? I'm close to one of them and I was in her wedding. Another one will have 2 young children and I think she would understand, since she was married last year and didn't have her sister-in-laws in the wedding. And that last one...well she will probably be really upset if shes not in it, but I'm not as close with her as I am the first one?! What do I do?? Do I have all of them, none of them, or can I have just one of them??

Robyn5298 · September 2010

From what I can see you have a few options. You could make them bridesmaids, they could stand on your fiance's side and be groomswomen, or you could make them readers.

Do you think you could get away with having the sister you're closest to as a bridesmaid and having the other 2 give readings? You know them better than I do so if you think they'd be slighted by getting separate honors maybe its best to keep them all on an even keel, so to speak.

Does your fiance have any ideas on the subject?

mbcdefg · September 2010

Ask your FI what he wants to do, first of all. The decision to include them should be his (meaning, if he says not to include them and then his family gets all pissy about it, HE should be the one to deal with it, not you. You aren't automatically to blame just because you're the woman and the sisters are also women, know what I mean?).

I don't see why it makes a difference that one sister has two young kids ... why would that prevent her from being a BM?

In a very open-minded family, I think you could pick just the sister you're close to. However, in most situations I imagine that there'd be a lot of drama if you just picked the one you're close to (or also the one that'd be mad if you didn't).

If it'll prevent hurt feelings, I'd just ask all three sisters to be bridesmaids. You'll be part of that family soon, and if one small gesture will make things more pleasant for you, then why not? Or they can wear black dresses and stand as your FI's attendants (and if you have a brother/guy friend, he can stand for you). I would just make it easy on yourself and prevent drama and ask them ... they always have the option of saying no.

CaylaSummer · September 2010

Hey there,

I have the same similar situation. However I did end up asking my 2 FSIL and they have 4 kids each. I did not want to do it because I had already chosen 3 bridesmaid and a MOH so I had enough as my wedding would have about 125-150 ppl.

I did not want to have to deal with drama with his sisters and his family in general as long as they are not going to be a pain then its fine. I would personally not just ask one sister but if you think they would be ok with just one and not the other 2 then its your call.

honeybee724 · September 2010

Honestly, unless you're close to them I wouldn't ask them at all. IMO, weddings are stressful on everyone and seem to bring out the crazy so trying to build a relationship at that time is hard. Of course, I got burned on this one so my opinion is probably jaded. I'd ask them to be readers though.

trix1223 · September 2010

Only you know if you're going to be hearing about your decision at Thanksgiving and Christimas dinners and summer BBQ's for the next decade. In some families, it's a very public slight to exclude siblings for any reasons. In other families~not such a big deal.

When my DD asked her FSIL to be in her WP, her FMIL went on and on and on and on and on about how wonderful it was since another of her DIL's had not included the FSIL. She'll never get over it.

You have to know the dynamic of the family you're marrying into, and you have to decide what your response to their dynamic will be.

You don't actually HAVE to have anyone in a WP. Oh, and you have a Fiance. You're the fiancee in the relationship.

megk8oz · September 2010

I would ask you FI how his family is about that sort of thing (If you don't already know how they'll take it). If it's a family where it will not matter either way, then just ask who you want. If it's a family where it will be brought up at Christmas every.single.year "for as long as you both shall live", spare yourself the headache and include them all.

In a family where it's a big deal, trust me, after the hundreth family function years after the wedding where you realize it's never going to stop biting you in the butt, you'll be wishing you just bought a couple extra bouquets and had them stand up with you for a few hours.

kachuba_09 · September 2010

Thanks everyone for the advice! I'm also considering asking them to be usherette's and having them wear the bridesmaid dresses and treat them just like bridesmaids. Maybe even have a couple of them do a reading or a poem. It's going to be an outdoor wedding, so it wont be as traditional as a church ceremony. What do you think about that idea??

quotequeen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiancees-sisters-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49193eb9-3106-47e5-af4d-acc2513e3821Post:d13b9109-b6a9-4ec5-8017-25108faf3edf">Re: Fiancee's Sisters in Wedding Party??</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for the advice! I'm also considering asking them to be usherette's and having them wear the bridesmaid dresses and treat them just like bridesmaids. Maybe even have a couple of them do a reading or a poem. It's going to be an outdoor wedding, so it wont be as traditional as a church ceremony. What do you think about that idea??
Posted by kachuba_09[/QUOTE]

Don't make people buy bridesmaid dresses and then not give them the honor of being bridesmaids. If you're going to "treat them just like bridesmaids" then let them walk down the aisle and stand with everybody else too.

My recommendation would be to let your FI decide whether he wants them to stand on his side.

trix1223 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiancees-sisters-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49193eb9-3106-47e5-af4d-acc2513e3821Post:d13b9109-b6a9-4ec5-8017-25108faf3edf">Re: Fiancee's Sisters in Wedding Party??</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for the advice! I'm also considering asking them to be usherette's and having them wear the <strong>bridesmaid dresses and treat them just like bridesmaids.</strong> Maybe even have a couple of them do a reading or a poem. It's going to be an outdoor wedding, so it wont be as traditional as a church ceremony. What do you think about that idea??
Posted by kachuba_09[/QUOTE]

Nope. If they have to buy the bridesmaid dress, and you treat them just like bridesmaids, then they're bridesmaids, not ushers. (I hate the term usherette~usher is a gender neutral term in an of itself)

The only people whose attire you get to dictate are members of your WP: not usher(ettes), not readers, nor any other pity position that is offered to make people think that they're being "included" when they didn't make the cut for the WP.

mbcdefg · September 2010

Don't have them buy a specific outfit unless they're going to be bridesmaids.

If you plan to treat them just like bridesmaids, then why not just make them bridesmaids? Giving them the same treatment and asking them to wear the same dresses, but not giving them the title of "bridesmaid," is just going to come across as petty and passive-aggressive (even if that is not your intention).

Having them do readings is fine, but don't make any comments on what they ought to wear. If someone's not in the wedding party then you have no control over their attire.

Just talk to your FI and ask (a) if he even wants them as bridesmaids or his own attendants, and (b) how his parents will react if you guys do not include them.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

Ordinarily no one is owed a spot in the wedding. However, if you know that there will be drama for not asking someone in the family, and you will hear about it at the next six Thanksgivings, I would ask. I had the obligatory family member in the WP and it wasn't any sort of big deal. If you think about it, the FSILs will be at all the pre-wedding events, at the wedding, and in all the family photos. Would it really be such a big deal to have them wear the dress and stand up with you during the ceremony? It's not like it would change much.

Talk to your FI and see what he thinks. He knows whether this will be a Big Deal or if they really won't care. Don't forget that they can always stand up on his side.

As for creating jobs for grown adults so that they feel "included", I would advise against it. They know they're being given a pity job and it will suck. Especially if you say, "Wear the BM dress to the wedding, but you're NOT a BM." Kind of silly and pointless and, as PPs said, it will likely come across as petty. Either make them BMs or have them as guests. Bear in mind that many people are perfectly happy to be guests; many brides make the mistake in assuming that people really want to be in the wedding. It's not always the case.

megk8oz · September 2010

Unless I was actually going to be a bridesmaid, I'd be pretty ticked off if a bride asked me to wear a matching bridesmaid dress. Especially if it was going to be my FSIL: "What? I'm good enough to coordinate in your pretty pictures, but not good enough to stand up there with the people that 'matter'?" ... I'm sure I'm not the only person who would feel this way. Really, all BMs do during the ceremony is walk down the aisle and stand up next to the bride ... it's not like it's this incredibly complicated role.

If you want them in BM dresses, get a couple extra bouquets and have them be BMs. If you want them being ushers or readers or whatever, they get to pick their own attire.

And if you're just worried about having 9 girls standing up with you, just make them all BMs, but during the ceremony have everybody in your WP seated in the front row, except for the MOH and Best Man.

kachuba_09 · September 2010

Thanks everyone for all the criticism! But then again that's why I asked, I needed an outside opnion. The usher idea was from a friend who did this at her wedding. My FI won't exactly give me an answer to wether or not he wants them in the WP or not!!! He just keeps saying whatever makes me happy. I would love for my FSIL to be in the WP, but he doesn't want 9 on each side. SO.... I'm thinking just having 9 on my side and he can just have his 6. Then during the recesional the first 3 guys will escort 1 girl down the aisle, while the last 3 guys will escort 2 girls down the aisle? But my FI didn't seem to happy about this alternative either. UGH... this is really starting to stress me out!!!

saxy414 · September 2010

Your most recent solution sounds pretty good. If your FI is unhappy about it, he needs to give some input.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiancees-sisters-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49193eb9-3106-47e5-af4d-acc2513e3821Post:adf38075-42d8-4319-aae3-42722480a364">Re: Fiancee's Sisters in Wedding Party??</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for all the criticism! But then again that's why I asked, I needed an outside opnion. The usher idea was from a friend who did this at her wedding. My FI won't exactly give me an answer to wether or not he wants them in the WP or not!!! He just keeps saying whatever makes me happy. I would love for my FSIL to be in the WP, but he doesn't want 9 on each side. SO.... I'm thinking just having 9 on my side and he can just have his 6. Then during the recesional the first 3 guys will escort 1 girl down the aisle, while the last 3 guys will escort 2 girls down the aisle? But my FI didn't seem to happy about this alternative either. UGH... this is really starting to stress me out!!!
Posted by kachuba_09[/QUOTE]
Your FI will get over the uneven sides. Mine did after he thought about it for a bit and I made it clear I wasn't going to not ask someone just because he had fewer guys on his side. In the end he really embraced it. I think it's the best solution you've proposed so far. <div>
</div><div>It's one of those things where the first reaction can be, "Well we can't do that!" then you think about it and then you think, "Well, wait, why couldn't we?" He'll get there. </div>

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